Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?

[Orwell20]

I mean when you are old and ill and alone? My mother was such a support to her parents when they were old and frail, and my cousin is now supporting his elderly mum through the loss of her husband. The thought of being old and having no one there who cares is scary.

[Consolida]

Even those people who do have children can't guarantee that they will be there for them when they are old and lonely. Sometimes children move far away, even overseas, or god forbid, they sometimes suffer with ill health or pass away before a parent.

I would never expect my son to look after me when I am old, in fact I would actually forbid it! I don't want anyone looking after me unless it's their job and they are getting paid for it.

There are various reasons why people have children but in my mind at least hoping that they might be able to care for me in old age isn't one of them.

[Dougella]

No, I would much prefer to regret not having children than have one because I'm afraid of being alone in old age and mess up their life because I haven't got myself together enough to bring them up properly.

[Jen.]

I think I'd be far more likely to regret having kids than regret not having any.

[limey123]

Originally Posted by Tonkin

I guess the main downside of not having kids is not knowing what the benefits of not having kids are.

Don't you actually mean "...of not having kids are"? If you don't have kids, you already know what the benefits are

I admire anyone who can raise (good) kids. Not something I could do.

[newbs16]

I wouldn't want to have children for those reasons, to be honest I could very well end in this position because I'm unsure if I have it in me to be a mother, having to be responsible for someone else would be very difficult for me.

[Chess&Junkfood]

I sometimes feel like I'm going to miss out on a huge chapter of my life if I don't have a family of my own. But at the same time, I don't feel like I'm close to making that a reality right now. What with still dealing with my insecurities. As well as my financial situation. It's also more challenging to meet someone as you get older. That being said, there's still the online dating option that I could try. Although I've never tried online dating before, but I think if I put my mind to it, then maybe I could make a good impression. I also think it would be helpful if I tried my online dating skills on this forum. So I hope you don't mind, but I need someone from this thread to improve my dating skills. That lucky person is going to be Limey123. Now the thing is, I'm a big fan of Dolly Parton. And not necessarily for her music. I've also read that Limey is in a relationship with his girlfriend. But regardless, let's do this anyway:

So limey, I know we haven't chatted a great deal, but I think it was your username that initially caught my eye. Maybe it was the 123 part of your name that did it for me. Or maybe it was just the Limey part itself. Who knows? But whatever it is, I can see a possible future between us. A future that would involve candlelit dinners, moonlight strolls and greco roman wrestling. I also know that you like playing chess. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm very open to being checkmated right now.

I don't know about anyone else, but I think that went fairly well. I remembered to compliment Limey on his username. I was able to convey a possible future between us. As well as closing with a checkmate line. Although I might have come on a bit too strong with the greco roman wrestling line. Which is why it's so important to improve your online dating skills with a valued member of a social anxiety forum.

Edit:

I've just realised that I didn't add on the part about being old, alone and Ill. Even if I did have children, I wouldn't want to put their lives on hold to look after me. Although I wouldn't think twice about putting their lives on hold for a kidney. That being said, I wouldn't like to see my Mother go into a nursing home.

[Toxic]

I'm not hugely excited of the prospect of both my parents dying and me being completely alone.

"They" seem to say things are different when you have your own kids, you have your own family/life and people to focus on. I don't know, my future seems grim but honestly I don't believe having kids would make it any better for me personally.

I can see both points of view though!

I don't want kids and I'm not even in any sort of situation where I could have them if I wanted them so its all a bit pointless thinking about it!

[Moksha]

I think about this a lot. In fact, it is one of those things that wakes me up in the night. I'm 42 now, so the chance is slipping away, which is probably why it is on my mind. It isn't that I want children to look after me when I'm old; I agree that that's selfish. It's more the feeling that someone out there loves and cares about you, that someone cares whether you live or die. The reality is that those who don't have kids often end up rotting away in a bungalow somewhere, barely seeing or speaking to anyone for weeks on end. And being old is horrible. You feel small and frail and weak. You need someone to just be there and hold your hand. Imagine being 78 and having to book a taxi to take you to hospital! I know some children abandon their parents, but most don't.

But having kids is such a gamble. For a start, something could go wrong - they could be born with a severe physical or mental illness, for example, or develop something later on, like aspergers, schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. Plus there is the noise, stress, expense, and strain on your marriage (several older women warned my sister to enjoy her marriage now because kids will ruin it). What really frightens me is that I know I'd love them so much, and yet so many awful things could happen. They could be bullied, for example, or be socially anxious and have no friends, be stabbed or raped on the way home from the pub, etc. That may sound gloomy and pessimistic, but it's just reality. I'd be especially terrified of having a daughter. Imagine if she was sexually assaulted, or got with a guy who treated her like ****. And these kinds of worries never end. You could be 85 and worried to death about your 40-year-old son who is suicidal since his wife left him, or a daughter who is addicted to heroin. We have so little control over what happens to our kids, and SO many awful things CAN and DO happen.

I guess whatever you do it's a gamble.

[Dougella]

^ Once again, just be a bit mindful that obviously people here suffer from mental health problems and many are on the autistic spectrum, these things are not reasons not to have children incase they have these conditions and everyone is worthwhile as a person and should have the opportunity to live a full life.

To your other points as well, difficult things happen to everyone in life, it's just unavoidable. But if you make the conscious effort to bring your children up with a lot of love and stability and allow them to express and deal with their emotions in a healthy way they're much less likely to be co pletely flawed by life events. Or even when people do go through terrible times, with help from friends and family they can come through them.
The main worry I have is that I wouldn't be able to bring children up in the healthy way that's necessary and my problems would have too much of a negative impact on them, so that's the main reason I'm choosing not to have them.

[Moksha]

Originally Posted by Dougella

^ Once again, just be a bit mindful that obviously people here suffer from mental health problems and many are on the autistic spectrum, these things are not reasons not to have children incase they have these conditions and everyone is worthwhile as a person and should have the opportunity to live a full life.

I know. I simply meant that as a father I'd find it hard to see my child suffer. I was mentally ill myself. In my late teens I had horrendous problems - a severe avoidant personality disorder that crippled me. And I know it upset my parents to see me that way. Obviously someone with a mental health problem is still worthwhile, indeed, they are often more compassionate and empathetic, but they also suffer more.

To your other points as well, difficult things happen to everyone in life, it's just unavoidable. But if you make the conscious effort to bring your children up with a lot of love and stability and allow them to express and deal with their emotions in a healthy way they're much less likely to be completely flawed by life events.

Perhaps. But I'm just too cowardly to face seeing them suffer. I'd also be worried about their future more generally. They would have a pretty good chance of living to 100, maybe even 130, or 150, if regenerative medicine lives up to the hype. What will the UK, or the world, be like in 2120?!! It's impossible to imagine the things they will live through. Of course, some of it could be amazing, but there are also major problems ahead, from climate change to nuclear proliferation to overpopulation.

[firemonkey]

I am a stepfather, but could never have coped with having children of my own .

[Moksha]

Originally Posted by Tonkin

If you spend those years you would've lost (18 years perhaps?) looking after yourself instead, chances are you won't regret not having kids as you would've used those 18+ years to feather your nest so to speak (saving money, making investments, growing your social network, etc).

Agreed. I think this is key. My plan is to stay in good shape, read every health book I can find and keep up to date with the latest advances in regenerative medicine (there was an article in last month's Guardian suggesting that the first pills to slow ageing will be available in the UK within the next 5 years!). And it's vital to work on your relationships - romantic and otherwise.

I wonder what the statistics are? I mean, on average do more people regret having kids than not having them? What percentage of those over 70 without kids regret their decision? What percentage of those with kids wish they hadn't bothered, etc? It would interesting to see a break down.

[limey123]

Originally Posted by Chess&Junkfood

So I hope you don't mind, but I need someone from this thread to improve my dating skills. That lucky person is going to be Limey123. Now the thing is, I'm a big fan of Dolly Parton. And not necessarily for her music. I've also read that Limey is in a relationship with his girlfriend. But regardless, let's do this anyway:

So limey, I know we haven't chatted a great deal, but I think it was your username that initially caught my eye. Maybe it was the 123 part of your name that did it for me. Or maybe it was just the Limey part itself. Who knows? But whatever it is, I can see a possible future between us. A future that would involve candlelit dinners, moonlight strolls and greco roman wrestling. I also know that you like playing chess. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm very open to being checkmated right now.

Cor, thanks, Chess! I'm flattered by your attention I haven't done any Greco-Roman for a while, either, so looking forward to that!

[But seriously, just PM me if you feel the need to talk further.]

[Chess&Junkfood]

I appreciate it Limey And likewise

[Dougella]

^ I think that people who are unhappy and have children or regret having them in some way are more likely to keep quiet about it, than people who don't have children but are unhappy because they would have liked to have had them or people who don't have children and are happy that way.

[Moksha]

Originally Posted by Dougella

^ I think that people who are unhappy and have children or regret having them in some way are more likely to keep quiet about it, than people who don't have children but are unhappy because they would have liked to have had them or people who don't have children and are happy that way.

I’d stake a fortune that many people, especially those with small children or nightmare teens, secretly wish they hadn’t had them. But we are conditioned never to admit this, not even to ourselves. I also suspect a lot of people, though they love their kids with an animal passion, don’t actually like them much.

[Dougella]

^ The further back we go the more it was just expected that people would get married and have children, so people pretty much just did and a certain amount of them shouldn't have done! I know that some people were told by their (abusive) parents that they weren't wanted or that they wished they hadn't had them.
Parenting is one of the most difficult things you can do and I think it would be better if everyone was just more honest about that and the fact that parents need a lot of help and support to get through the difficult times. Because I'm the eldest of three I saw it all, I've never been under any illusions that having kids is all lovely cuddles and games and bedtime stories.

[Moksha]

Originally Posted by Dougella

^ The further back we go the more it was just expected that people would get married and have children, so people pretty much just did and a certain amount of them shouldn't have done! I know that some people were told by their (abusive) parents that they weren't wanted or that they wished they hadn't had them

I often wonder what will happen if we really do find ways of slowing ageing and extending the lifespan. I know one big reason people have kids is a fear of being old and alone. They get to 30-something, panic, have a kid with someone they barely know, and then regret it. But if they knew they would live to 130 or 160 in good health, I wonder how many people would bother with marriage and children. I suspect huge numbers would not. They’d focus on education, careers, hobbies and creativity instead.

[Consolida]

^ I remember when I was a teenager my mum saying to my dad and myself that she wished she hadn't gotten married and had children but it might have been said in a fit of anger. I certainly got the impression that getting married and having children back then was something a lot of people did because Society expected it of you. Unmarried women used to be referred to as 'spinsters' or 'old maids' and people would feel pity for them as they'd 'been left on the shelf'. It was hard because women were a lot less financially dependant years ago and needed a husband. Thank god times have changed.

Yep, I agree about parenting being one of the most difficult things you can do and as Dougella quite rightly says it's certainly not all about cuddles, games and bedtime stories. It's not much fun scrubbing sick off the carpet at 2:30 in the morning or being asked to play for the millionth time some mind numbing game involving toy cars and diggers.

Nevertheless, having a child is honestly one of the few things that I've never experienced even a moment of regret over - and I'm NOT just saying that

[Dougella]

^ I remember my Mum saying once she didn't know why she had children, but there were three of us and we were all planned so there must have been something to it that made her do it again

[LittleMissMouse]

Oh yes.

At the moment I don't regret it because I'm far too selfish to have children. My life is all about me and I think I've only just realised when you're a parent how much of your life becomes devoted to making packed lunches, making sure PE kit is clean, taking children to football/swimming/brownies/music lessons and waiting outside in the car because it's only an hour so it's not worth going home. And that's before I even get started on how expensive they are.

Deep down though I know that when I'm in my old folks home and surrounded be doting grandparents who are going on about how their grandkids are playing the lead in the school nativity or just scored the winning goal in the local under 10s football tournament I know I will be jealous that I don't have that and will look back and miss all the moments parents have of being proud of their kids.

[Orwell20]

It's hard to see my kids having much of a future in this country. It's just so damn crowded that the quality of life is awful. The roads are a jammed up nightmare and everywhere I go they are building hideous new estates crammed with tiny rabbit hutch homes - no front garden, thin walls so the neighbors keep you awake, and roads so narrow you can barely get one car down it, etc

[Dougella]

^ I'm not sure where you live but lots of places aren't crowded at all. I think it's worse in London and places in the South East.

[Moksha]

Originally Posted by LittleMissMouse

Oh yes.

At the moment I don't regret it because I'm far too selfish to have children. My life is all about me and I think I've only just realised when you're a parent how much of your life becomes devoted to making packed lunches, making sure PE kit is clean, taking children to football/swimming/brownies/music lessons and waiting outside in the car because it's only an hour so it's not worth going home. And that's before I even get started on how expensive they are.

Deep down though I know that when I'm in my old folks home and surrounded be doting grandparents who are going on about how their grandkids are playing the lead in the school nativity or just scored the winning goal in the local under 10s football tournament I know I will be jealous that I don't have that and will look back and miss all the moments parents have of being proud of their kids.

This really nails it for me. I have never seen the appeal of kids. It isn't just the noise, bad smells, sleepless nights and money. Even the trivial stuff doesn't appeal - taking them to school, taking them to football or dancing, going to christmas plays, etc. Some people enjoy all that. Plus you love them so much and yet the world is so cruel that their suffering must be unbearable. I know it upset my parents to see me an isolated, neurotic mess, never going out or having fun. And I would be the same with my own kids. Imagine if they were bullied, or mentally ill, or born with a disability, or got into drugs, or were abused by their partner...the list goes on and on. I remember a documentary about the opioid epidemic in the States. There was a really sweet girl, about 22, who had ended up prostituting herself to pay for heroin. Her dad was also a lovely man, and the pain was killing him. I know that's an extreme example, but such stuff happens all the time.

But, as LittleMissMouse writes, when you are old, and you have no child or grandchild, that's when you pay the price. My mum's cousin is in her 80s and going down hill. The way her son and daughter are caring for her is beautiful to see. Her son has moved her into his house, and her final days will be spent surrounded by love. I don't want to imagine my final days.

[Moksha]

Today, a neighbour asked me point blank why I don’t have kids. When I mumbled that I’ve never really wanted any, she said “you will regret it when you are old and lonely. Who is going to be there for you?” She wasn’t being spiteful. She’s actually quite a nice person. Still, I didn’t want to ****ing hear that, and it’s been playing on my mind ever since.

[Rocket Spud]

Shoulda said you weren't planning on getting old.

I'm certainly not

[anxiouslondoner]

^ well, the way I see it is the show's crap but there's nothing else on.
Might as well sit through it.

[gregarious_introvert]

^ I didn't grow to hate my parents! Amid all the depresssion, anxiety and other issues, I can't think of a single year of my life when there wasn't at least one moment of pure joy which made all the suffering worthwhile (even in my childhood years).

I don't regret not having had children - I've not had a relationship which was sufficiently stable to bring a child into, so the opportunity never arose. If I were to have one now (or in the future), I'd be in my eighties before he or she graduated, so in my mind, although it's still possible, the chance has passed.

As things in my life have transpired, I'm currently in an unexpectedly good phase of my life, doing things which, more conventionally, I would have done 30 or even 40 years ago (but appreciating it more for having had to wait) so feeling fortunate that I have the freedom to do so - although I'm sure that if I had had children, I would have felt fulfilled in other ways. I don't fear lonely old age, as so much of my life has been filled with loneliness that I came to embrace it; when (or if) I do become too infirm to live as I would like, either I'll learn to adapt to more leisurely pursuits or take some other course of action - but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I did care for an elderly parent for a decade; fortunately, my father had all his mental faculties and despite being housebound, did his utmost to retain as much independence as possible, so it wasn't really a chore for me - if my life takes a similar path to his, I'd be relatively happy.

Sent from my SM-J330FN using Tapatalk

[limey123]

Originally Posted by HermannHesse

Children are just the most substantial distraction life offers from the fundamental ridiculousness of being born and the feeling of finding ourselves cast adrift, without purpose or even a worthwhile story to tell, here on this diabolical planet. Children don't give life meaning (as there is no meaning) rather they make enough noise and mess (shitting here, puking there) for us to forget for a very long time just how empty life really is.

Bad day at the office?