tell lies

[Emski]

I am one of the many girls who have had sex with a premiership footballer.

[Kevin Hodge]

scientists looking for substances harder than diamonds to study need look no further than my abs

[Myrtle]

I have s.a.

[Cain_Valesquez]

I love horses

[Kevin Hodge]

if you look in a snakes ear you can see out its cloaca - fact

[Cain_Valesquez]

Originally Posted by abc2

I don't have social anxiety. I joined this forum in error thinking it was for South African ukulele players.

Made me LOL


I'm currently in a relationship with Jessica Alba

[Comrade Joshua]

UK won eurovision

[Cain_Valesquez]

Im so happy man utd beat our record today, i wish them the best of luck in the future

[Kevin Hodge]

the throne of hell is currently vacant as i just succeeded in selling the devil his own soul, damning him to eternal infernal prostration.

if anyone wishes to hurry up and take the throne, i am running out of quips* along the lines of "hot enough for you", "its damned hot in here", "hell-o" etc


*only the part about running out of quips is a lie

[Kevin Hodge]

i just printed out all your posts, cut out all the punctuation marks you used with scissors, and smoked them in a roll-up.

[Kevin Hodge]

i consume your pleasure directly and shit out future happiness all over your life

[Kevin Hodge]

starfish are so-called as they are famous

[likeme]

I am confident that I am able to do my job and I have good reason to be, I trust my own judgement about what it is to do well in my role.

I am not in any way, shape or form worried about what happened at work on Friday or how last week at work went. I am not worried that helping a friend with her work issues will somehow increase my own.

I feel relaxed and able to deal with life, and my entire self worth does not rest on doing ok at my work/ being ok with the people I work with.

[Cain_Valesquez]

females dont poo

[Winnie57]

I am a personal friend of a member of the Royal Family but I'm not allowed to tell you which one.

[slrrrrp]

I'm also a member of the UK Scoliosis Association

[elvira34]

I am the reincarnation of Buddha........ooooooooooommmmmmmmmmm........

[-Simon-]

By way of a practical joke, my greatgrandfather constructed what became known as the duck-billed platypus by sticking a beak onto an otter. The 'discovery' caused such a a stir that he could not bring himself to admit to his subterfuge and my family has been keeping up the pretence ever since by supplying zoos and the like with the damned things, as well as releasing no small amount of them into the wild. However, I am the last remaining descendant of the hilarious jester and the strain, both financial and emotional, is getting too much but I just don't know how to stop it.

[Myrtle]

The beautiful Aston Martin that Prince William recently drove himself and his newly wed from his Grandmother's pile was not previously on order by my father and my father at no time was asked by Aston Martin to rescind his order so that Prince Charles could take the last of the series to be made.

[Cain_Valesquez]

Chuck Norris is WEAK

[Cain_Valesquez]

I shot Bin laden

[Winnie57]

I have a pet duckling.

[Cain_Valesquez]

I invented clouds

[Mr. Spaceman]

The town of Stevenage was founded by someone called Steve Nage

[Cain_Valesquez]

Redcar was named after a car which was red

[-Simon-]

Wind farms produce more wind than electricity. the earlier models of wind generators were quite efficicient but scientists were given huge grants to see if they could improve the yield to make them commercially viable. The result was a turbine which, once it built up momentum, rotated at such a speed as to produce an opposing air current. The government is nevertheless pushing ahead with plans to install thousands mor of these machines in order to meet our green energy quota but the reality is that we need to apply brakes, powered by coal-burning generators, to these machines to prevent them from lifting the whole country sky high.

[Winnie57]

^ Wouldn't it be cheaper just to buy some windbreaks? :grin:

I spend my evenings building my own coffin, every evening I put another nail in my coffin.

[Kevin Hodge]

i feel extraordinarily sane today. i feel INTENSELY sane. such is the intensity of the sanity that i feel, i am in danger of running through a wall, hoisting a car over my head and throwing it at someone, or stalking a deer in the highlands, and turning it inside out.

if everyone in the middle east got in the sea and i squeezed just one drop of my intense sanity into the ocean, they would all hug and perhaps make daisy chains together, and i would still be left with enough sanity to give myself a fatal heart attack ten times over. later on when i go pee my sanity will leach into the central scotland water table, whereupon dogs will stop chasing their tails, old ladies will stop talking about their bowels, young men will stop binge drinking, and young ladies will start wearing clothes.

i had a swig of david ickes pepsi max earlier on, and when he resumed drniking from the sanity-tainted bottle, he ceased all reptilian spoutage and immediately released a series of videos about darning socks and the correct method of maintain a system of cloths in your bathroom to ensure you dont use the poo-bowl cloth to wipe down the handle of you toothbrush. he has since been seen at a cafe sipping on mint tea whilst calmly contemplating which t shirt to change into for bed.

if you were even able to comprehend my current level of serenity, the magnitude of this benign and placid emotion would actually stop your heart.

brb


...yeah so uri geller just popped by, on a kite, to say he senses a violent tempest of sanity in my locale. however as soon as i took off my 3d specs he saw the sanity in my eyes and fled in a spasm of sanity.

yep, certainly is sane right here.

[Winnie57]

^

I bought all these things today...



...and still had change from a 50p coin.

[xTKsaucex]

Bruce Forysyth's death is postponed another 10 days every time he uses the 'nice to see you, to see you nice' catchphrase. The sad irony is that he is sick of his own pun but he uses it everyday to save himself the poor bastard.