Building confidence and self esteem.

[Freespirit]

Hi,

I am sure there are many other threads on this topic but, rather than ask for tips and advice, I was wandering if there are any persons here who have benefited from confidence building course/websites.

I have tackled a lot of my anxiety issues but now seem to be held back by low self confidence. It stops me from asking for something I want or speaking my mind and makes little set backs something to beat myself up over.

I have often thought about practicing techniques listed on various website on the web but always put it off becuase for some reason I believe they wont work.

So, anyone here having success? How has it changed your life?

Thanks,

Darren

[AAAli]

I have tried alot of self-esteem and confidence (hypnosis, affirmation, motivational stuff). But most of them just masked the problem or was very short term relief.

You have to change the way you think to a much more realistic/positive outlook.

Your self-eteem is basically what you believe to be true about yourself right? So you have to question those beliefs and find out if they are true.

So it would be helpful if you found out what your beliefs actually are, find out what you think just before it stops you saying what you think/asking what you want etc. Write them down and look at what you believe about yourself.

Then use the 4 questions from the work (link in sig) on each belief.

I used to believe I was unattractive. Everytime I thought that it made me feel sad and gave me low self-esteem. Everytime I thought it it stopped me making eye contact, drawing attention to myself, saying what I want etc. But I questioned it and realised that I could not absolutely know that I am unattractive.

If I was in the same situation and didn't have that thought I would feel releaxed, able to make eye contact, able to say whats on my mind etc.

So it was this thought/belief that was making me have low self-esteem not anything to d with reality. it doesn't matter how you look in reality, if you believe you are ugly you will have low self-esteem, but if you believe that you are attractive you will have higer self esteem Both beliefs are just as true as each other. In reality there is no pretty and ugly, everyone has different concepts of what they find attractive.
So sine both beliefs are as true as each other, think the positive one and feel happy instead of thinking the negative one which isn't completely true.

This works for any label you put on reality, that you are "worthless","ugly","boring" etc. Question them and find out that those are not true in reality.

Anyway thats how I got over alot of my self-esteem issues, link if in my signature if you want to know more. And here is a video about it:

[Freespirit]

Thanks very much for the reply AAAli.

I had read the Gillian Butler book a few years ago and was quite impressed but for some reason never put it into practice. I think I was scared of trying the techniques becuase they made me feel weak. This weekend has been a particularly bad one for my self esteem and after many years just listening to my own put downs I have decided it's time to work on changing my own perception of myself.

The technique you described is interesting and I am considering starting a blog to catalogue my thoughts and answers. I will also check out the link and video at the bottom of your post when I have more time (bed time soon..). It's good to hear that you have got over a lot of your self esteem issues and quite inspiring for me as I start to truely tackle mine. Thank you.

[AAAli]

Originally Posted by Freespirit

Thanks very much for the reply AAAli.

I had read the Gillian Butler book a few years ago and was quite impressed but for some reason never put it into practice. I think I was scared of trying the techniques becuase they made me feel weak. This weekend has been a particularly bad one for my self esteem and after many years just listening to my own put downs I have decided it's time to work on changing my own perception of myself.

The technique you described is interesting and I am considering starting a blog to catalogue my thoughts and answers. I will also check out the link and video at the bottom of your post when I have more time (bed time soon..). It's good to hear that you have got over a lot of your self esteem issues and quite inspiring for me as I start to truely tackle mine. Thank you.

Great I am glad you are so open to it A blog would be a great way to work on your issued using the work, I am going to start one myself very soon. Here is one person with SA doing exactly that:
http://janeyfromkorea.blogspot.com/

Also doing it in blog form means people can give you more evidence to support the turnarounds to get that belief deep into your mind.

Also if you need any help feel free to ask, I have used it quite alot now on many SA beliefs that have been holding me back my whole life.

Good luck with it

[SoftlySpoken1]

There is a book by Melanie Fennel called Overcoming Low Self Esteem...it's in the same series as the Gillian Butler book..

I actually saw a counsellor but she used a lot of the techniques on that book with me...but I don't think I could have done it without her...

What you have to get to the bottom of is exactly what you really believe about yourself and then work to change it...it has helped me hugely with my social anxiety because for me...it was my beliefs about how different I was from everyone else that drove my anxiety around them...

There are of course no magic cures...but I do now feel like a different person...

One thing I have to say though is that it is extremely difficult to change those negative perceptions because it is the one thing that people with low self esteem believe very strongly so good luck with it...it's worth making the effort because at the end of the day...only you can actually change how you feel....

Good Luck

[Freespirit]

Sorry for the slow reply...my work means I don't always get time in the evenings to come to the site.

I haven't yet put much effort into using the techniques but I do feel the intent is there, which is a good start. I'm not sure what my underlining beliefs are and it is something I may need to think about...a lot of my anxiety comes from feeling foolish around people when I speak and think that what I have to say isn't worth saying or will sound stupid.

As well as working on my self confidence I would also like to work on being a little less over thoughtful and a bit more spontatneous. I have a bad habit of over analysing everything and taking some things far too seriously. I am hoping that with better confidence I will worry less and hopefully shift my thought process into a more relaxed one. It's quite exciting to think that I am at the begining of a journey to become more confident.

Thank you both for your replies

[AAAli]

Originally Posted by Freespirit

Sorry for the slow reply...my work means I don't always get time in the evenings to come to the site.

I haven't yet put much effort into using the techniques but I do feel the intent is there, which is a good start. I'm not sure what my underlining beliefs are and it is something I may need to think about...a lot of my anxiety comes from feeling foolish around people when I speak and think that what I have to say isn't worth saying or will sound stupid.

As well as working on my self confidence I would also like to work on being a little less over thoughtful and a bit more spontatneous. I have a bad habit of over analysing everything and taking some things far too seriously. I am hoping that with better confidence I will worry less and hopefully shift my thought process into a more relaxed one. It's quite exciting to think that I am at the begining of a journey to become more confident.

Thank you both for your replies

You don't need an exact belief to work on, just use the thoguhts that come up, looks like you have 2 obvious ones:
* What i have to say isn't worth saying
Can you absolutely know that that is true? What you have to say is 100% not worth saying? Every been in the situation where you thought what you were going to say was not worth it and it turned out thats lots of people thought it was a great idea? Who judges what is worthwhile or not?
Do the 4 questions on that thought, with that in mind

it probably turns around to:
What I have to say is worth saying :- Yes everything you think is worth saying, someone in the world will be glad you said it. if you thought it is worth saying. it is worth saying so you can allow yourself to be yourself. it is worth saying as it could be a really interesting point. What goes unsaid is worthless than what is said.

What i am thinking isn't worth thinking :- Yes because its these thoughts that are stopping you being yourself living your lifes, nothing else but these thoughts that are controlling your life.

Now aren't these 2 statements just as true as the original statement?
In reality there is no "worthwhile" it is a judgement that you put on stuff, and everyone has their own judgements. So the two statements are just as true:

What I have to say is not worth saying :- causes you to stop being yourself, keeps you quiet, makes you feel bad, doesn't allow people to hear what you have to say
What I have to say is worth saying :- allows you to be yourself, allows others to here what you have to say, positive thing to think

So if both are as true as each other why think the one that makes you sad and stops you being yourself?

Now you obviously have to do it for yourself to benefit but thats basically how I go through it. I had the exact same belief and it stopped me saying so much stuff and stopped me being myself for too long. Now people are always saying that i have "come out of my shell" and get lots of compliments on my ideas which reinforces the belief that what I have to say IS worthwhile.

Good luck with your own work

[Celine]

I tried some of these classes and they were useful to me but not the cure I was looking for. What helped me was learning cbt exercises like the thought countering tea forms etc and using them. My anxiety diminished in proportion to my self image and confidence improving

[skald]

I'm hoping to Start CBT within the next few weeks. I'm looking forward to it.
It's 50/50 If I will see results but I plan to throw myself into this.
In the meantime anything that can distract your mind. if it be books films a daily routine to follow and keep busy and then I would noticed that when I ended up in a social situation I had not worked myself up to an anxious state.
I was just like oh. and it was slightly easier.

[skald]

Oh and I recommend the Gillian Butler book too.

[hardy]

"I used to believe I was unattractive. Everytime I thought that it made me feel sad and gave me low self-esteem. Everytime I thought it it stopped me making eye contact, drawing attention to myself, saying what I want etc. But I questioned it and realised that I could not absolutely know that I am unattractive. "

What makes such thoughts difficult to overcome is that theres a bit of truth behind them ! Many people ARE likely to be more attractive than you are on the general beauty scale.
What you need to do is dig a bit deeper to find the root thought. The real typical negative thought you have is actually likely to be " I think I am so low on the attractiveness scale that it puts people off me" This is the kind of thought you need to challenge as possibly too negative. But all too often we get stuck on the basic idea which I stated in the first part of this paragraph above which is virtually impossible to challenge.

[AAAli]

Originally Posted by hardy

"I used to believe I was unattractive. Everytime I thought that it made me feel sad and gave me low self-esteem. Everytime I thought it it stopped me making eye contact, drawing attention to myself, saying what I want etc. But I questioned it and realised that I could not absolutely know that I am unattractive. "

What makes such thoughts difficult to overcome is that theres a bit of truth behind them ! Many people ARE likely to be more attractive than you are on the general beauty scale.
What you need to do is dig a bit deeper to find the root thought. The real typical negative thought you have is actually likely to be " I think I am so low on the attractiveness scale that it puts people off me" This is the kind of thought you need to challenge as possibly too negative. But all too often we get stuck on the basic idea which I stated in the first part of this paragraph above which is virtually impossible to challenge.

Well its different for everyone that does it. For me the thought "I am unnattractive" is the same as the thought "I think I am so low on the attractiveness scale that it puts people off me". But I don't have thoughts like the second one, my thoughts are more like the one I mentioned.

In reality there are more attractive and less attractive people than you in the world. And where you end up on that scale depends on the person looking. Everyone has their own types. The work is all about accepting reality. Basically in reality there is no "attractive" and "unattractive" they are both storys that you put on objects. Everyone puts there own story on objects.

Give an example of a belief that is "virtually impossible to challenge", I have not found one yet.
I have found that everything you think is "bad" or gives you a bad feeling, is all due to a story that you put on reality and most of the time the exact opposite story is just as true as the original one.

very sound advice there! your own self worth does come down quite simply to what you believe about yourself, also i feel with overcoming sa its about creating a better relationship with yourself where you have enough respect and good feelings about who you are as a person, as your least like to feel socially anxious if you feel ok about yourself.

Yes exactly I have found most of my SA are simply caused by negative beliefs about myself.

[Candyman]

Building confidence was a slow process for me. Therefore, it's hard to pinpoint a single cause for it. It just grows, bit by bit and eventually one day you sense a difference in yourself.

[ree25]

I went on a confidence and assertiveness course. It was a 10-week course, and it helped me a bit. I can say no to people more than I used to. I'm not as confident than I'd like to be, but I am more confident than I used to be, so I feel it was helpful in some ways. I've also built up a portfolio in the class, which I can look back at whenever I want to.

I'm on a self-esteem course now - it's only 4 weeks, 3/4s way through. Through that I have learned I have not got as much self-esteem than I thought. It was a counsellor who suggested the course to me, and I thought I may as well. In one of the classes the tutor asked us "who is the most important person in your life?" and we were all supposed to answer "me", but I couldn't. I think though now I know that, I can work on why I don't feel I am, and what to do to change this.

[Seagull]

I read a KD Lang Q & A style interview in a magazine at the docs the other day, and her answer to the question What do you see when you look in the mirror? was 'A friend'

[Celine]

Originally Posted by Candyman

Building confidence was a slow process for me. Therefore, it's hard to pinpoint a single cause for it. It just grows, bit by bit and eventually one day you sense a difference in yourself.

So many wonderful replies since my last visit here, but i especially liked the one above
I also liked the counter thought about attractiveness. Great example.

[Candyman]

Originally Posted by Celine

So many wonderful replies since my last visit here, but i especially liked the one above
I also liked the counter thought about attractiveness. Great example.

Thanks!

Just to reiterate, from my experience confidence is something that sneaks up on you. One day you're sitting there talking to someone who made you nervous before and suddenly you realize you feel a lot less nervous. Another instance, you say something silly in public, but this time you don't blush you just smile and go along with it.

That's confidence at it's most basic level. It's just a silent sense of strength inside that what you say and do, no matter what, is okay. Even if you mess up, it's okay. You can't get that instantly. It takes time, it takes experience and it takes A LOT of down moments. Sometimes you have to experience a lot of shit in your life to get enough life lessons to become smarter, more understanding and therefore more confident. That's why I hate these products that try to sell confidence in a few steps/days/etc. It's just not that simple.

Bottom line, keeping doing what you think you need to do and don't let the crappy moments put you down. They're necessary. It's all part of growth and it's painful. It's life, accept it, because I think in the grand scheme of things we're on this planet to learn.

[loner1]

excercise and healthy eating plus going to raves has boosted my confidence

[Celine]

Candyman you have done it again. I totally agree about the way confidence sneaks up on you. Keep sharing all those great points you have

[W!llow]

^ me too.

[Celine]

hey candyman how are you? I am looking forward to reading more of your great posts! Hope you have a good holiday

[peterjohn]

I've very much enjoyed this thread. I think there is a lot of wisdom in the replies. Put simply you are what you believe yourself to be. If you always behave in the way you wish to be then that's what you will become. Even if all my past has been lived in terms of negative perceptions that does not have to be my future. My future lies firmly in my hand. I have now got the life I wish to have and that will be so for my future. I chose to decide that this very new belief is unshakeable !!!
I so wish for you success in your journey. It would be great to hear how you get on.
Very best wishes from all of us.

[pinkwafer]

I am definately better in both of them compared to say...three years ago.


Now I think more like this:

1) I am human like everyone else. I deserve to to respected like anyone else. (cos I used to feel inferior to just about everyone).
2) I am not the most beautiful person in the world. But really, there are people more unattractive than yourself. (cos I thought I was the most ugliest person in the world).
3) Not getting a 'good' job isn't the end of the world. You have proved to yourself that your reasonably intelligent through credentials, this is all that matters. (I used to think I was stupid, various teachers/'friends' in school also made me feel this way).


Confidence - I forced myself to do presentations at uni. aha! I so wish I had them on film!! And I think confidence is a lot to do with self-esteem, so you know, if that grows confidence should too.

[Celine]

Originally Posted by peterjohn

I've very much enjoyed this thread. I think there is a lot of wisdom in the replies. Put simply you are what you believe yourself to be. If you always behave in the way you wish to be then that's what you will become. Even if all my past has been lived in terms of negative perceptions that does not have to be my future. My future lies firmly in my hand. I have now got the life I wish to have and that will be so for my future. I chose to decide that this very new belief is unshakeable !!!
I so wish for you success in your journey. It would be great to hear how you get on.
Very best wishes from all of us.

Another fine post Peterjohn
I am so proud of you and appreciate the positivity you bring to these boards and the world!
Keep up the great work you are doing

[Celine]

Good job Becky
Keep up the good work and you will continue to feel better and better I think

[hardy]

quote
"Give an example of a belief that is "virtually impossible to challenge", I have not found one yet.
I have found that everything you think is "bad" or gives you a bad feeling, is all due to a story that you put on reality and most of the time the exact opposite story is just as true as the original one."

sorry to split hairs but I think that its not true that the fully negative view is as true as the fully positive one . The truth lies somwhere in between . The point is that in SA we quite commonly delude ourselves that we KNOW we are near the negative end . When we dont really know how the average person sees us . So the first step is to stop being so CONFIDENT that we know our own "faults"
( ironic that it is a kind of negative self confidence that is leading us astray!!)

[Celine]

Speaking of splitting hairs.... I think it is more useful to find and counter the inaccurate thoughts that lead to anxiety and replace with with objective rather than positive thoughts. That is where my success was found.

[PositivePoemsbyme]

Originally Posted by Celine

Speaking of splitting hairs.... I think it is more useful to find and counter the inaccurate thoughts that lead to anxiety and replace with with objective rather than positive thoughts. That is where my success was found.

Hmm never thought about that but what kind of objective can I use instead of positive thoughts. I feel that positive thoughts are helpful but at times a real struggle to maintain. I am trying to find my spiritual strength to beat this as well as looking at many different techniques and ideas to see what might help and be beneficial to me.

[Celine]

I just replied on another thread to you about the TEA form question you asked. They teach you how to identify the thinking errors you make and replace them with Objective thoughts which are way more useful in getting us better than positive thoughts!
Positive thoughts are great and all but they don't last and change the underlying problem for the better like objective thoughts do. Objective thoughts tend to be positive but there is a big difference between them and one difference is that they are easy to maintain because they can't be argued like positive thoughts can be because they are not subjective

[Celine]

Hi everybody
Hope everyone is doing well? I am great