Had a "confrontation"!

[W!llow]

I ended up having a bit of a 'blip' yesterday. The day before I went for a coffee after being in town and bumped into a friend and then his girlfriend arrived who through him we have become friends. I am using the term loosely as it does take me a while to feel that real bond with someone.

They have both got mental illness the man is like a gentle giant his condition is controlled with meds. She is manic depressive according to the doctors but she thinks it may be just her personality not an illness. Anyway quite often when we have talked she is talking about her boyfriend because he doesn't work and she thinks he could do more. She is quite obsessed about work, what people are doing, she doesn't think mental health is an excuse and thinks most people at the local mental health place could work. I kind of agree, if the person could get exactly the right work for them and a boss who is flexible enough so if they have bad times they are allowed to have time off. In reality it's not that easy.

The problem is she also asks me every time I see her in quite an analytical way about my work, what my husband does, our relationship but it feels like an interrogation and I feel she is making judgements. (I know a lot of that is probably me). I know I am far from lazy I do the majority of the housework and gardening (that's not a complaint btw just that is my way of helping out) as well as my few part-time jobs.

When I walked into town yesterday I bumped into her again and the first thing she said 'not with your husband' kind of irritated me to start with and so it just came, I said ' I didn't appreciate you going on about work yesterday, it feels like you are judging me' or something that definitely started like that and was equally uselessly worded. She responded with 'you're crazy just like the rest of them' meaning the people at the mental health place she has been involved with in the past, I do not go there but have done a long time ago. She said it again angrily and loudly, walking off stormily when she said 'you're crazy!' I replied 'Good!' (childishly and with nothing better to say)

I haven't yet apologised. I feel I want to I think probably by her response she was genuinely surprised so again it is my own feelings getting the better of me most likely. I don't want to bump into her as I'm not sure if she is likely to fire off again if I see her. She is also a lot bigger than me and I think has got physical when she hasn't been well in the past. I don't think she would do that.

It has been a funny relationship because early on when her boyfriend was trying to get us together as friends we made an arrangement and I had to cancel she was like don't bother being friends. Then she got over it and totally forgot an appointment we had made another time.

I think it is just certain personality types with me, their way of talking, the fact they are probably quite opinionated the problem is I have quite a few of those type personalities in my life and it probably has a drip drip effect. I probably don't like that feeling of being analysed and summed up and having to prove my worth to someone who is supposed to want you as a friend. (again that is how it makes me feel).

I do feel I was wrong. I'm not sure she will be gracious enough to accept an apology though as that time when I couldn't make an appointment it was all very final, I had let her down (in advance) and that was that! I probably will text an apology later and leave it to her to decide what she does with it.

[brian_maiden]

Sod her, she sounds like an idiot. Let her do the apologising.

[W!llow]

Thanks Dan. I think these feelings happen too much for it to be other people's fault though. I think other peoples personalities can be the type that antagonises but I think it probably is a lot to do with me internalising things. I wish when it got to that feeling of interrogation I could skillfully move on to another topic etc but that is part of my SA I am not skillfull when it comes to my speech. I feel more like the one in Knights Tale who can't get his words out and feels all frustrated..

[png]

It doesn't sound as though you have anything to apologise for there, W!llow, though i realise you might want to to avoid future awkwardness. You were understandably unhappy with something and assertively made that known. That is a recognisable difficult personality you describe, I wonder if she's got something like Borderline? Anyway, certainly doesn't sound as though you have anything to feel guilty about.

[iloverain]

I would't apologize willow.That will immediately put you in her eyes in the wrong and then expect you to initiate any grovelling.You hardly acted out of order. In fact the way you acted sounds very much how most would react.

She sounds like she got all arsey all too easily,Just leave it and try to put it behind you,when and if you see her again just wait and see if she makes the first apology..and if she doesn't then you don't either.

The fact that she shrugs off manic depression as a personality trait immediately says to me that she is deluded into thinking she is better than others...i.e deluded.

[brian_maiden]

This is a bit of a generalization, but it is my experience. People with SA and/or depression tend to clash with people with Bi-polar/manic depression.

I spent a lot of time being treated at the mental heath ward of the hospital, and there were several people there with Bi-polar there, and I have to say, when they were in their manic phases they really got on my tits. No personal boundaries, constant questions, completely insensitive comments such as "cheer up, it might never happen" said to me while I was suicidal and had spent basically my entire first 3 days there crying in a chair.

I know not all people with bi-polar are like this, don't get me wrong. But when you meet people who are, as this woman sounds like she is, it really doesn't go well with someone who has SA and doesn't like to be bombarded with questions and comments. It's like oil and water, they just don't go.

[W!llow]

Thanks for the support all.

A couple of things that make it a bit more awkward if I don't apologise, one is knowing her boyfriend so if I don't bump into her I usually see him around. He will probably want me and her to be friends again. The other is she took up a beauty products round a while back so I made an order and that is yet to come and me to pay for.

I spent a lot of time being treated at the mental heath ward of the hospital, and there were several people there with Bi-polar there, and I have to say, when they were in their manic phases they really got on my tits. No personal boundaries, constant questions, completely insensitive comments such as "cheer up, it might never happen" said to me while I was suicidal and had spent basically my entire first 3 days there crying in a chair.

Oh dear, like you need that when you are at your lowest ebb.

I would say this person does seem fairly 'together' maybe the personality traits are indicative of her condition though.

[W!llow]

Sorry to go on.. but.. I think I feel bad because even though what I said wasn't delivered in an angry tirade it was the wrong wording to be assertive in the right way. It probably is what would be called passive aggressive because it immediately would have made her feel wrong, attacked. I think if I'd said 'when you said this it made me feel that' it would have been better but it wasn't planned and so didn't come out in a text book appropriate way.

[brian_maiden]

I think I'd have wanted to have just dispenced with words entirely. The "not with your husband?" remark would have been enough for me to go into a Reggie Perrin style imaginary cut away where I disembowel her in the middle of the street.

[W!llow]

It's amazing really how loaded an innocent seeming sentence can feel. Though its only when someone regularly says things that I would take it the wrong way so I don't think it is just me being overly sensitive, I hope.

[Sandyjw]

Hi! She is the one in the wrong and out of order and should apologise to you. I have had certain friends just come out with comments criticising me and I never used to say anything - it just seemed that they knew they could get away with it and carried on. I am now in a position where I feel I have had to stand up for myself and tell them that I do not like what is being said - if they are real friends they will understand and apologise.

[Diluted]

Tell the bloke what happened and ask what he thinks of it. If he offers excuses, tell him you don't wish to socialise with her, or with him when she is there.

From your account there is no need for what she said. If you can get her to acknowledge that, then things may start to improve.

[brian_maiden]

Originally Posted by Dryslyd

I've started doing this also, 'standing up for myself'; but it always ends up with me looking like the bad person, because the ones I have 'confronted', inevitably deny they had any ill feeling or judgment towards me; but if they REALLY listened to what they say, I think they would see my point of view. Of course in some situations, (because of the way I am), I have got the wrong end of the stick; there's no going back after that and some people just can't take confrontation even though they see fit to dish out 'put downs', judgments and criticism of others.

I've had similar experience to this when standing up for myself with people/friends. You put up with a lot from them and never say anything, and I think they get used to it. When you do one day stand up to them, they get all defensive and angry and turn you into the bad one, when you're not at all... I've lost friends that way. The good ones calm down and realise they were wrong eventually, the bad ones never do, but you're better of without them anyway.

[W!llow]

Thanks Sandy and Diluted. I suppose I dread confrontational situations happening when I'm not prepared for them, probably like I gave her yesterday and I suppose if I don't clear things up that could happen when I'm not ready for it. Sorry just saw two more posts will have a look in a mo.

Thanks Dryslyd, yes I suppose my intention was to let her know it does get to me and I don't want it to keep happening but what it probably came across like you are wrong and her response was you are mad. Maybe she thought I wanted to end contact because of it when I just wanted to let her know I was feeling judged by her. I think it isn't so much that I want necessarily to be private but if I've told someone my situation but then they ask me over and over the same things in an analysing manner I feel they are trying to make a point especially when they pull those summing up type faces after you answer. I have a real problem with telephone calls at the best of times so I don't think I will be able to do that. Yes I too have found sometimes with 'strong' characters if you do take the move and apologise for peace sake they can sometimes be patronising like pat on the head you got the wrong end of the stick but with no admission on their part that they are possibly insensitive or whatever. To be honest I can't be arsed with right and wrong to a degree. I do want peace and I suppose I also don't want to let more people in my life who are likely to have a negative rather than up-building effect on me. What you say about clarifying what I meant is probably a good idea but I think it could come across wrong in speech. I know a text isn't great but I might do that.

[W!llow]

*added to above post*

[teal]

Originally Posted by brian_maiden

I've had similar experience to this when standing up for myself with people/friends. You put up with a lot from them and never say anything, and I think they get used to it. When you do one day stand up to them, they get all defensive and angry and turn you into the bad one, when you're not at all... I've lost friends that way. The good ones calm down and realise they were wrong eventually, the bad ones never do, but you're better of without them anyway.

This is me too. Except I blame myself more. They don't know that the 299 times they've done it before, I've been biting my lip and then going away and having an imaginary argument with them in my head. So when they do it the 300th time and I've finally had enough and by now am thinking to myself 'I bet they do it again', I am ready to explode, so they get 300 times the anger they would have got if I had said something right at the beginning.

Then I hide and usually never speak to them again.

[Raks]

Ask yourself does she bring any good to your life?

If not, cut her off - you'd be better off without people who are a head f#ck. Saves the time and agro. If she's worth having as a friend, then you two will eventually make up.

[W!llow]

Thank you all for your responses. I have messaged her earlier this evening I explained why I reacted that way rather than apologise as such, but I was friendly, hopefully it will work out for whatever is best.

[Nikkos]

I suppose you could have just tryed to talk with her about what was getting to you i know its not easy as SA sometimes makes you defensive when theres no real reason and you end up putting across things in the wrong tone sounds like what happened.

[W!llow]

Yes I think that would have been ideal Nikkos, unfortunately I can't seem to string the right words together when I want them most of the time hence usually my role is listener and contributer rather than storyteller etc with most people. So most of what I say isn't too long, of course once you start trying to talk about how something is making you feel it requires more talking and because it is about how you 'feel' it has an emotional element so is harder, with me more stumbling, and still not getting the message across how I'd like to. So this is very much a problem related to my SA. Unfortunately it isn't until that final push that makes me who finds talking hard suddenly say something that is upsetting me of course it isn't going to be the right moment and in the right way. That is why I rightly felt wrong about it. I need to do some assertiveness training.

[Nikkos]

I think most of us need that training bud