Does anyone else find making conversation an effort or feel they cant be bothered?

[Silver]

Im finding now that I just cant be bothered making conversation with people, mainly if I am in a group. Its just too much effort trying to think of things to say and Id rather sit there and look at the internet on my phone or read a magazine to be honest. At the same time though, you feel so cut off and left out and like there is an invisible wall between you and other people. Even talking one to one is an effort sometimes and I will sometimes leave a room, listen to music or make an excuse to end the conversation. But then the silences can be horrible sometimes especially if it is just you and one other person. You can almost feel the tension and awkwardness in the air arrgh. Not sure why I have suddenly become like this as Ive always been quiet but never to the point where I cant be bothered talking or making conversation anymore. Sigh. I am just finding atm I wanna be on my own all the time, feel so disconnected from other people and am craving my own space constantly and yet I dont know why. Maybe I turning into a hermit

[PussyRiot]

Hi Silver,

I feel like that all the time. I often prefer the company of men because they don't seem to need to chat all the time. This is obviously not the SAUK women's way, but I often feel under pressure as a woman to join the other women who just seem to chat on for ever, while the men seem content to just sit and read a paper - they always seem to get away with it. Talking actually takes a lot of energy and so does listening. Why can't we just be allowed to sit together and enjoy each other's space without this pressure to talk all the time. If I have something useful to say, then I will say it, but I don't want to just chat on for chatting's sake. I get told all the time 'oh, you're very quiet today?' like a question as if I am expected to give a reason. I just want to be able to sit and read a book or just observe or be lost in my thoughts. I can't sustain a conversation for more than an hour. The thought of having to spend a whole day with people with the pressure of constantly talking is just too much for me and always have to have an escape plan if it gets too much. Why do people think it is rude if you go on your phone or your laptop or read a book in their company? i could go on about this all day. One Christmas my auntie who can't seem to be on her own for a second, just was too much in my face, so I offered to go in the kitchen and do all the washing up. Within seconds she had sent in my cousin to help me because she didn't want me to be alone! U just said to my cousin, I don't mean to be rude but you mum is driving me crazy. Luckily for me, she said yeah I know, she is like that with everyone. I don't know if it is my depression, but I often feel disconnected to people, the world and even my body, like I don't actually exist, but you probably didn't mean it the same way. I am rambling now. This is just a subject so close to my heart - can't you tell?

[gingercat]

I often find myself feeling this way. It's happened a lot more since my girlfriend moved in with me last year. I think I just need a lot of time to myself and I'm not getting it at home anymore because she's almost always there now, so when I'm out and about I usually want to be left alone to do my own thing, whereas before I might have felt more like having a conversation.

I don't like it because I worry I could end up a bit isolated and dependent on my girlfriend which I don't think it healthy. I also kind of miss talking to people at my dance class and walking group because I used to enjoy it and made some good friends that way, but these days I never seem to have the mental energy and it feels like too much effort. I'm not sure what to do though because I know from past experience that forcing myself to do it anyway even when I don't want to probably isn't going to work well... I think people can tell when I'm forcing myself to speak to them out of a sense that I "should" be doing it rather than because I want to. Ideally I'd like to just have a bit more time and energy to spare for this sort of thing.

[Dounia]

I think this describes me too. Simultaneously feeling isolated and disconnected from people and yet it is so difficult to maintain the effort that might bring them closer. I'd actually decided that it was like a perspex wall that separates me from others.
I find that faking some interest and being willing to talk stuff I consider dull does seem to be appreciated by others and can lead onto stuff I'm interested in. But I haven't found a way to make the effort feel less. All I can say is that other people do seem to appreciate it even though they don't realise how hard it is.

[PussyRiot]

Originally Posted by Geddalexneil

but I would find it impossible to read a magazine or look at my 'phone whilst in the company of others, which I think relates to the very strict etiquette on which my parents raised me (sometimes I wonder if the plethora of social rules which they imposed on me contributes to my anxiety, but at least I know that if I ever conquer this thing, I'm unlikely to commit any major faux pas).

.

Me too Ged. I suppose what I meant was when there is a lull in the conversation, you know when you have made the introductions and had a conversation, I would like to just think that everyone felt relaxed enough to just do their own thing for a bit, but people just seem to think that if you are not engaging in conversation, you are somehow being rude don't they. That is why I have to eventually make my excuses and leave, go for a walk, say I am going to have a lie down.

[black_mamba]

Originally Posted by smellycat

I can't sustain a conversation for more than an hour.

You mean non-stop talking for an hour?

[David K]

^ AN HOUR?! Smelly, you're some sort of conversational goddess compared to me.

[black_mamba]

For the record, I enjoy silences and don't mind at all when people go off and do their own thing. Conversations are not expected to go on forever. My fave type of social interaction is usually lots of silences punctuated by short bursts of conversation. Nothing wrong with that.

In jobs where I've had to talk non-stop for over an hour I usually go home and literally collapse and sleep until the next morning. Too draining (typical introvert).

[PussyRiot]

I can't do an hour of intense chat either - just thought if I said half an hour is enough for me, it might look bad!

[PussyRiot]

Originally Posted by black_mamba

My fave type of social interaction is usually lots of silences punctuated by short bursts of conversation.

Me too (I wish I could get the point across in only a few words Black Mamba - I ramble on and on and still don't make the point...)

[Serephina]

I don't like being in big groups,I prefer to have one to one conversations,I am always more quieter when I am in a group well certainly now that is the case when I was younger it was different because I use to hang around in a large group of people. It also depends on the person,if I am with someone who is chatty I find the conversation flows better than when I am with someone who is too quiet and really not interested in the conversation,I find it takes more effort when I am trying to carry the conversation by myself.

[David K]

Originally Posted by smellycat

I can't do an hour of intense chat either - just thought if I said half an hour is enough for me, it might look bad!

HALF AN HOUR?! *worship*

[MLP James]

It's a big effort for me, none of it comes naturally to me. I do want to have conversations however, it'd be nice to be able to talk to people about stuff. I just can't seem to keep a conversation going, I always seem to run out of things to say before the other person does, then the level of nonsense I come out with just increases as I try to find something to say. I don't really think I ever really contribute anything to the conversation anyway, it's all so difficult. Seems like at my age everyone has already learned all this stuff.

Even on this forum there are people having conversations for pages and pages on some threads, I wish I could do that. How do they do that?

[black_mamba]

^Comes with practice.

[MLP James]

Originally Posted by black_mamba

^Comes with practice.

Bit difficult to practice though, since I need to know people who want to talk to me to practice, but people will only want to talk to me if I know how to keep a conversation going.

[black_mamba]

Never said it would be easy.

PS. we had a long conversation via visitor messages on here. So you are already completely capable of it.

[Progress]

I think it's important to learn the good side to silence. When I was in group therapy (sometimes we would sit for maybe half an hour in silence) the therapist once said that silence was an important part of the group. I think he meant that we should learn that silence is not such a bad thing. It needn't be embarrassing, and we could simply use the time for thinking.

^^^ Emma, tell the leprechaun to shut the **** up, they're wrong. I get that sometimes when I'm in full flow. I think 'is this really me, I shouldn't be so outgoing'. It's good though, to be animated.

[Amber Fyre]

Originally Posted by MLP James

Bit difficult to practice though, since I need to know people who want to talk to me to practice, but people will only want to talk to me if I know how to keep a conversation going.

Well you are successfully having a conversation now and keeping it going And you write well and have things to say so maybe you're being too hard on yourself. If you want to have conversations with people on the forum best thing to do is post more frequently and respond to what others say. Eventually you get to know people better and they get to know you, which makes it much easier.

[black_mamba]

Just googled "how to make conversation" and came up with tons of good shizzle.

I like this article, mostly because he just reiterated what I said about practice. But also it is a very insightful article.

http://www.succeedsocially.com/conversation

[PussyRiot]

Originally Posted by MLP James

I always seem to run out of things to say before the other person does, then the level of nonsense I come out with just increases as I try to find something to say. I don't really think I ever really contribute anything to the conversation anyway, it's all so difficult. Seems like at my age everyone has already learned all this stuff.

MLP James - I've got to stop you there. I have read a lot of your posts and you have a lot to say. Your posts are interesting to read and you come over really well. I know it is the damned SA - when you are face to face, the nerves or insecurity take over and your mind goes blank - those skills you can improve with practice - you come over a lot better than you think you do.

[PussyRiot]

MLP-James - just read Amber Fayre's post to you - I rest my case

[PussyRiot]

Originally Posted by *Emu*

One of the first times I met my ex's mum, we were chatting about pets and I ended up making our first proper conversation about the fact my rabbit got a disease where it's head went wonky and died. I'm pretty sure I did an impression of the rabbit with a wonky head.

Emu, I know I shouldn't laugh because your poor rabbit, but you did make me smile, especially with the impression of the wonky head. I would definitely want to hang around and hear more

[MLP James]

If I come across well here it's not without effort, but to be honest I'm quite surprised to read that. I worry about how stuff will come across for ages, and I edit and correct the hell out of everything before I post, but I do over think everything. This forum does make it all easier though.

[PussyRiot]

Originally Posted by MLP James

If I come across well here it's not without effort, but to be honest I'm quite surprised to read that. I worry about how stuff will come across for ages, and I edit and correct the hell out of everything before I post, but I do over think everything. This forum does make it all easier though.

I constantly edit every single post I write. I delete more of my posts than I leave alone. That is why face to face conversation scares me. Whatever inane comment I make, I can't delete or edit - I wish I could

[Flowerbomb]

I can't always be bothered to speak, can be chatty when I want to be, it depends whom I'm talking to as well.

[black_mamba]

Originally Posted by MLP James

If I come across well here it's not without effort, but to be honest I'm quite surprised to read that. I worry about how stuff will come across for ages, and I edit and correct the hell out of everything before I post, but I do over think everything. This forum does make it all easier though.

I'm surprised that you're surprised. For me anyway it's about people's general attitudes not exactly the phrases they use (even though I am also constantly editing my posts) - you come across as open minded and friendly.

Re: effort, that's normal. I guess you mean it doesn't quite feel "natural" ... ? That will come with time, honest!

But yes, silences are a healthy and normal part of most conversations. But you do have to put in at least some effort to make friends.

[Hades]

No. I actually enjoy talking to people and try to do so when the opportunity (rarely) presents itself. The problem is that other people don't enjoy talking to me. We've just had another "volunteer" (read: conscript from the Job Centre) start at one of my shops: she's about my age, same socio-economic background. But like the others she doesn't want to know. All my attempts at talking to her, asking questions, making jokes etc. she completely rebuffs. The volunteers we've had in the past have been completely the same. They've shown absolutely no interest in me, made absolutely no effort to sustain the conversations I start etc.

So what's going on here? Maybe the problem is with them - they are shy or simply dead inside. Maybe the problem is with me - I come on too strong, or I give off lots of "wanker" vibes. I just don't know. The only thing I do know is that people are never as interested in me as I am in them.

[russianenthusiast2013]

I do too. This isn't really applicable around people I know well and whom I feel comfortable around or can confide in, but rather with people who are acquaintances or distant friends. I find small talk to be the most tedious thing ever; I just never know how to proceed beyond the boring questions about the weather, and in a way I don't particularly have an inclination to do so. It tires me out and makes me feel lethargic. In many ways, I much prefer just sitting and reading a book or something like that, even though I know that's it's regarded as 'rude' by some people.

[Sleepless]

Sorry you feel that why TG. If its any consolation, I quite enjoyed our convos whenever we met.

[MeMyself&I]

Yes.