Do you ever worry that you'll regret not having kids?

[Dougella]

I actually held a baby last week, not a small baby he was 6 months old and pretty big and healthy for his age. (I was allowed to hold the baby by the way, his granny offered, I didn't pick him up without permission!) They are cute at that age but I think I'm still happy with being able to hand them back

[Indigo_]

^ Would you hold mine? (for around a week please )

[Dougella]

^ Ha, not for that long i'm afraid, I've been told they don't stay happy and bouncy for all that time

[Dougella]

^ Ofcourse it is, because they need to be looked after and cared for at the very least the first couple of years of their lives. They wouldn't survive if we didn't find them cute and want to take care of their needs and make them happy! Animals never learn to speak and they don't laugh though, those are very nice qualities in young children, and since parents and carers get to be involved in their children learning to talk and walk etc I think that gives a sense of achievement to everyone involved.

[Jen.]

I don't think I've ever found a human baby "cute". They just look like weirdly smooth old people to me, and generally all exactly the same. I read once that a byproduct of the brain mechanics which make us think of babies are cute (meaning attractive in a way that makes us motivated to care for them) is that we see other things as cute when there's no reason for us to (non-human animals, toys, etc), but maybe mine is broken. E.g. I love cats, but have never found kittens to be cute. I think a cat has to be a minimum of 12 weeks old before I could begin to think of it as cute. Before that they're just kind of annoying and pathetic, the same as human babies.

[Dougella]

^ That's ok, I don't think you're broken lol. Newborn babies are often quite odd looking. when they're older and interact more they can be cute and funny, but I certainly don't find all babies cute.

[KellyUK]

Queen Victoria didn't like babies, said they were frog like and boring and she only started to find her children interesting once they turned about 2 years old - when they developed personalities. She also resented how they interfered with her romantic relationship with her husband Prince Albert

I think many parents regret having children whilst they're growing up - though they still love them of course - and only finally start to feel glad they had children when those children are adults and not causing the same amount of stress. Of course this only applies if parent and adult-child have a good relationship

[Dougella]

Originally Posted by KellyUK

Queen Victoria didn't like babies, said they were frog like and boring and she only started to find her children interesting once they turned about 2 years old - when they developed personalities. She also resented how they interfered with her romantic relationship with her husband Prince Albert

I think many parents regret having children whilst they're growing up - though they still love them of course - and only finally start to feel glad they had children when those children are adults and not causing the same amount of stress. Of course this only applies if parent and adult-child have a good relationship

"Frog like" . Queen Victoria didn't really have a lot of choice about becoming repeatedly pregnant and from what i've read she probably would have preferred not to be (atleast she was honest about it!).

I think you're right about that, the whole process of bringing up children is hard work and stressful and if people aren't enjoying having children overall they probably do feel regret.

[MissKatie]

No. Unilaterally no.

I would never ever put my looks, potential degenerative diseases and overall mental health on anyone.

I'm happy enough to help others through life but I'd never put my existence upon them

[choirgirl]

Newborn babies look like angry aliens. Just weird looking. Then they start to look cute a few months in.

[Moksha]

Originally Posted by MissKatie

I'm happy enough to help others through life but I'd never put my existence upon them

I often wonder whether other people think like this. Life has its good bits, but it’s generally so ****ing horrible that bringing a child into the world seems a selfish, cruel thing to do. As someone once said “life is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.” Maybe parents push these thoughts out of their mind. Or maybe most people find life pretty great. It genuinely puzzles me.

[Jen.]

I think the "life is objectively awful" view is definitely not one that everyone shares, although it often seems that many of those who hold the view seem convinced that everyone else does share it. I think for most people it's probably a mixture of good and bad. Many people even reach old age and, despite living through worse things than those who think life is awful for everyone, don't wish they'd never been born.

[Dougella]

^^ Yes, clinical depression can rob people of being able to feel joy or happiness, or even enjoyment of anything much. It's the most awful thing.

On the other hand I think some people who have had very difficult lives do think why would I bring a child into the world if there's a chance that they could go through anything similar, but not everyone with that kind of experience feels that. Some people actively want to have children and make sure they have the happy childhood experiences that they didn't have, or from what I've seen anyway.

[Indigo_]

Originally Posted by Jen.

I think the "life is objectively awful" view is definitely not one that everyone shares, although it often seems that many of those who hold the view seem convinced that everyone else does share it. I think for most people it's probably a mixture of good and bad. Many people even reach old age and, despite living through worse things than those who think life is awful for everyone, don't wish they'd never been born.

Exactly. I'm pretty happy with my life thank you very much.

[Tonkin]

I think maybe having kids might force you to think about the future more (beyond your lifetime), and leaving the world in a better place.

Maybe having kids makes people more invested in the future and more focused on stopping the world becoming worse than it is now?

Does having kids make some selfish people less selfish, which in turn is good for everyone else?

I'm not saying if you don't have kids you don't care about the future beyond your life time. But that maybe for some people, it makes them give a bit more of a shit about the long term consequences of their actions?

I mean look how selfless the boomers are and all that they sacrificed during the War for future generations.

[Jen.]

There's probably something to that. I don't have children and I don't really care about anything that happens after my death. I don't actively want anything to get worse, but at the same time it feels like there isn't any reason for me to want to slow down the inevitable.

Boomers were born after the last war. They seem like the most selfish of currently living generations, if stereotypes were to be compared.

[Dougella]

^^ That generation seems to be a mixture. I mean on the one hand you have people who are 60+ leading the extinction rebellion protests, really concerned about the environment and the fate of the planet. Then on the other side you have the ones who benefited from all the socialist policies after the war, free education, the NHS, vaccinations, free school meals, council housing etc.......but they went on to buy their council houses, become pretty well off home owners and now vote conservative. It is hard to understand them when they don't seem to acknowledge the fact that their grandchildren aren't going to have the same opportunities that they had.

[MissKatie]

Originally Posted by Dougella

It is hard to understand them when they don't seem to acknowledge the fact that their grandchildren aren't going to have the same opportunities that they had.

This is something I went through and I'm 37.

Some of the older generations can't understand how difficult it is to get a job, you can't just walk into a place and say "hi" and start there and then. They want a pre-screening, an interview, a DBS check before you're even considered as a potential candidate and then the job for life just isn't there anymore and a lot of jobs offer less than 20 hours a week.

Is it any suprise that many younger people will never be able to even afford a deposit on a house?

[Dougella]

"This is what I tell women who are torn about having children."

https://www.theguardian.com/commenti...aving-children

[Dougella]

^ I think because it,'s an instinct for a lot of women, like the woman who wrote the article above they just have this strong feeling that that's what they want to do. Also the idea of creating a family seems like an attractive thing, especially if you're with someone you love. I have some of that, just not enough to override the rational part of my brain that knows that in my situation it would be a mistake for all involved!

Some men have a strong desire to have children too, i've certainly talked to men who have that. And lots of men are very good parents, I don't think it's something that just comes naturally to women.

I think that having more of a discussion about it being not just something you do but actually something you should really want to do if you're going to do it is good though! Because in previous generations too many people had children who didn't really want to.

[twosocks]

Don't think i'll regret it. But thinking about children gets me all sentimental about how much i miss my niece and i'm not sure if/when i'll see her given that i'm not with her uncle anymore.

[Katie25]

No because I have had plenty of time to think over the advantages and drawbacks of having children and I personally don't think I would make a good mother with my anxiety and other health issues.

[sophie79]

I wasn't huge on kids before I transitioned. However that's turned on its head and I'd love to adopt now. I guess a mixture of oestrogen and age as made me realise just how important and wonderful they are. They bring so much value and responsibility into your life.

[Indigo_]

My parents fostered babies when I was 16 for around 12 years The adoption process is a gruelling one to go through I think but ultimately worth it.

[Indigo_]

Yes, I've had similar experiences working in education.

Many families do keep in touch yes. Even though the majority of the children were adopted before their first birthdays the families still keep in touch and send photos of their now teenage children. Makes me feel very old

[sophie79]

Originally Posted by Nanuq

Do you think you will adopt, Sophie?
There's a lot of negatives about children on this thread, but for me they've been an incredibly positive experience. I even thought about fostering a while ago because I know so many children don't get a good start in life.

Yes it's certainly possible given the right circumstances in life. Right now it's not possible but who knows in future.

[john smith]

To me the negatives far out any positives of having kids

Best just to have a pet if you want company.

Cute baby stage without all the hassle and stress

[john smith]

Originally Posted by sophie79

I wasn't huge on kids before I transitioned. However that's turned on its head and I'd love to adopt now. I guess a mixture of oestrogen and age as made me realise just how important and wonderful they are. They bring so much value and responsibility into your life.

Nimh and Tazzie expecting I baby had an effect as well?

[sophie79]

Originally Posted by john smith

Nimh and Tazzie expecting I baby had an effect as well?

More just that I'm a little bit more able to look after myself than I was, with the tiniest bit more confidence. At the moment my situation makes it a no go but in the future it's a possibility.

[Indigo_]

Originally Posted by Nanuq

aw, that's lovely that they keep in touch, so nice for your parents. I can see how it makes you feel old though! I'm feeling old now my babies are taller than me. Also my eldest son is plundering my youth for music and style because it's "retro" or "vintage" but for me it's just stuff I had/listened to a few years ago!

Hope things are all well with your little one x

They are, thank you. She's almost 8 months now