Regressing, and as far as I can tell I have no options

[Pablo Huntsbach]

Every so often I just feel compelled to make a really self indulgant thread and I apologise for that, but it's time again.

I had the weekend off work and I've done absolutely nothing with it. In a perfect world I'd have at least one friend who I could call up and arrange to spend time with, but I don't so I decided that I'd get some uni work done instead, but every time I try and concentrate on it my mind just wanders and all I can think about is how lonely I am. So I just stick on a dvd or watch stupid youtube videos because that seems to be the only way to distract myself.

I'm still obsessed with a girl who got under my skin by vaguely suggesting that that there was a potential for a relationship at some point in the future. She dashed my hopes almost a year ago, but she's still the first thing I think about when I wake up and it seems like theres something around every corner ready to remind me of her. I feel like a complete stalker and freak for feeling this way but I can't stop, the last time I was actually happy it was because of her. I'm haunted by the idea that I could have been with her but I missed my chance or drove her away somehow.

It just seems like theres no way out of my current lifestyle. I've tried to make friends, I speak to people at Uni but I either don't connect with them, run out of things to say or they ditch me. The 'social scene' at work is dominated by the above mentioned girl and I can't handle that. If I ever did get a new job I'm not sure it would make a difference. I've had enough fresh starts in my life to expect disappointment if I get another one.

I havn't even got an excuse. I have a normal, loving family. I'm fairly sure I don't have a mental illness. I just have no idea why my life is like this, what I can do to change things... It feels like I've already lost to be honest. The longer I spend alone the more awkward I feel when I'm around people, the less I have to talk about, the less I have to offer others. None of the traditional advice works for me (take a class, join a club, talk to people etc). People want to be friends with happy people, therefore they don't want me right now, but I need friends to be happy.

The reason I've written this is because I'm desperate for some reassurance. I need someone to tell me that they've been through everything I've been through and come out the other side, even if it didn't last. I need as many details as possible, including how you got out. I know it's kind of a big ask but it just feels like I'm staring into a big empty future where every day is more or less the same as today or yesterday, and I don't know how I can do it for much longer. I'm sure my hair is thinner than it was last year and my heart feels weak.

[mhealer3]

i've been really stuck like that before, friend. you must change your thots.

our events follow our thots...you must choose 2 stop being STUCK on that girl.
no girl is worth your mind, your life, your future.

i tend to build people up like that too--
believing it'll all be ok,... as long as i'm with him/her.
maybe it's because i feel worthless on my own,
& need someone 2 validate my existence.

it will continue to hurt, & you'll continue to rot
as long as you consent to that feeling that u r too weak to be strong.

i feel bad 4 u, of course...(i lived that same situation for over 15yrs).
that's why i'm telling u the truth.
to help u be free.

turn off the sad thot(like a light switch), every time it comes 2 u.
have a new, hopeful thought ready to replace it immediately.

keep a journal, track your progress,
& most important: pray... it works.

[Pablo Huntsbach]

To be gonest all that I want with regards to her is to just forget that I ever knew her. It's mostly the continued loneliness thats getting to me.

The only hopeful thought I have left is 'maybe i'll find a way to be happy one day', and when I've gone for days without contact with another human being it's not really enough of a replacement for the negative thoughts.

[Pablo Huntsbach]

I don't really know why I can't connect. I talk to people from my lectures and stuff but it just doesn't go anywhere. I don't feel as though I've made enough of an impression on them to suggest doing anything outside of uni. Besides, it just doesn't seem right to ak someone to spend time with just me.

There was one person who I was getting along with really well and met up with in the summer a few times but there was kind of an awkward 'is this a date or are we just going to be friends' situation which I think we both picked up on but didn't really address, and now she's snubbed several attempts of mine to go out after uni and is all over the place when it comes to talking to me.

There were a couple of societies that I thought about joining. One meets on a night when I'm at work and the other was the student newspaper. It requires people who can dedicate time, hard work and professionalism. Between my job and depression I can't really promise that.

Similar excuse for meets. The nearest ones to me always take place on a saturday, it looks as though the ones on other days get cancelled due to lack of interest. It's another reason to want to switch jobs, something else I need but can't have.

[softlyspoken2]

Have you ever considered talking to a counsellor about how you feel? If you are at Uni there will be counselling available. Cognitive behavioural therapy can be really helpful for SA. You definitely aren't alone in feeling how you do but it is up to you to change it. Good luck...