Do you have odd parents?

.....Socially-speaking that is? I ask because I wonder if this has had an effect on me in some way while growing up. My mom is fine socially, but my dad is a bit off lol. He can carry on a conversation with his work collegues, long ones sometimes too, but often aside from that he is rather quiet in my opinion. I don't really talk to him all that much like I do with my mom, just cuz I feel awkward talking with him because of the way he is. My sa doesn't help either. He's also passive aggressive and not very outspoken. For me personally I tend to accept how open others act with me as what is ok or not ok, and it changes also depending on the person as people are different. So it makes me feel that my dad's "behavior" probably had an affect on me socially, especially considering that aside from my mom he raised me. I'm definitely not saying that he caused it...just that he may have indirectly helped fuel an already timid disposition.

[Ziggy]

My parents had no friends, only ventured outside the house to visit an aunt every sunday, where they got free whiskey, and they shopped for groceries and whiskey. That was their social life.

They were dependant on each other to an unhealthy extent.

They had many other problems, but you get the idea, they died within 7 months of each other, which in a twisted way, summed up their relationship perfectly.

[talisman]

My parents have no friends either and my Dad's not much better than me at socialising. Isn't at all surprising why I'm like I am. lol

[TheOne]

Yep!

I have the most unsociable parents ever. My mum seems to like meeting new people, but never really maintaining a close friendship. My dad steers clear of any social activity!

Hence why I turned out this way eh? It definately has affected me, my bro & sis. We have all felt we've come across SA throughout our lives. Just hope I can find an extrovert GF? For my kids sake! Lol!

[Arsinal]

Hi, it sounds as though your family situation is very similar to mine, and i think that the way your parents are is the main contributor to the person you develop into as you get older. I have never seen my mum have any problem socially really. She's very outspoken, and doesn't have any trouble talking to anybody she's just met. She's also quite confident with complaining at things if she isn't happy with them in shops etc. But my dad is very different. He's very quiet and introverted. As far as i know he's had quite a number of friends throughout his life, and talks with ease to alot of people he works with. But apart from that as The One said, he steers clear of social acitivity. and i think the way he is has had alot to with the way i have turned out (not that i blame him of course though)
I don't think though that your parents neccesarily have to show signs of social anxiety or anything for you to be that way. I think it could be that one of your parents is just very odd, or is somebody who is very difficult to get on with, and has had a strange effect on you in that way.

-Rob

What you said about your parents sounds exactly like mine I wonder what it would be like if they got together

My parents hmmmmmm.......I wouldn't say they are odd.My mum is a saint.No friends or social life though,but still happy and Church going.Has a bit of SA I believe.Similar to me personality wise.

Dad is the opposite.He has to be right all the time,bossy,intimidating businessman workaholic and not really a family man.

[hardy]

You may be onto something.
My father was quite shy . My mother was able to speak to anyone but in fact they only had a very small social circle , Mostly only relatives whom they would not visit very often.

[hardy]

Unwise to jump the gun but it looks like theres a pattern.

At least for some of us it seems that one parent is shyish and the other fairly outgoing . Perhaps we Saers tend to inherit from the shy side .
Could it be that because one parent is shy the two of them have decided to live a fairly unsocial life which means the SA child doesn't get much of a social example to follow.

perhaps one of the parents has to be fairly outgoing for them to have got together in the first place.

Originally Posted by kevcantona

My mum talks to our dog like a ****ing loon..

Pfft. When you and your mother pretend to be the dog talking, then you've got problems. Especially when the dog keeps telling you you're adopted...

Seriously though, my mum's very sociable. My dad's a little quieter, but then he has got depression which can make him a bit serious and quiet at times. But compared to me, they're the most social people in the world.
I do think that SA is inherited in some part, but that's more likely to be through upbringing than genetics.

Odworthy (who also provides the voice for Buster the guinea pig)

[Medea]

My mum is very outgoing and loves talking to people, although because my dad is the dominant one in the relationship she has few friends (a lot fewer than she'd like). My dad is better with people now than he was when I was a child. He certainly isn't sociable but I wouldn't call him shy, he just doesn't like socialising so doesn't (like my granddad was before him).

My parents (and their families) are polar opposites and whereas my mum's family scares me (people always walk into their house, they know everyone and his dog and try and get me to talk to them) my dad's family felt "safe" because you knew when you visited that no one was going to walk in.

I don't really understand how my parents got together, but it sounds like a lot of quiet/loud parents exist.

[Zayed]

Originally Posted by kevcantona

My dad's the polar opposite; I swear it's his ****ing mission to achieve having talked to 90% of the world's population at some point in his life. To have a conversation lasting less than five minutes with someone, even if they'll die if they don't reach a hospital in that time and are desperately trying to escape his conversational clutches, is failure in his eyes, it seems.

That in itself is probably 'weird', since most people are capable of figuring out when someone else doesn't really isn't in the mood for a long yack.

Ha ha!! This sounds exactly like my mum. It takes 25 hours to do anything, because she needs to have a five-hour conversation with the taxi driver/waiter/till person/ticket inspector/bin man/postman. She even made friends with the town nutter. He was a drug pusher/been to prison, but she thought he was ‘lovely’. (I didn’t tell her) and this total hardnut used to come up to me and say: "How’s your mum?". Lord.

[Zayed]

One word. Perfectionist. Oops that was three. Shit, I’m not perfect.

Yes absolutely. Sometimes people are extremely receptive to my mum as she has a what-is-perceived-as a sunny personality. Other times, however, she goes into verbal overload, when, to me, it is obvious that the other party is trying to extract themselves from the conversation. It is rather hit and miss.

I think though, it is important to try and take the positives from it, although I cringe at points. At least, I would think, that you have been shown ‘how’ to be entertaining/communicative, and if you had been brought up by two quiet parents you may not have been able to experience some of the things that you have done. However, I do realise the negatives on this one.

[willow]

Hi

My parents are rather reserved people too. My dad comes across as quite confident when he talks although he can be very outspoken and cold with it. He never had any close friends whilst I was growing up and only ever seemed to like to make enemies for himself. My mum is very quiet and will go out of her way to avoid people. She likes her own company a lot I think. My brothers and sister come across as being very reserved and introverted which is little wonder really. None of them have any really close friends. We are all depression sufferers though and had a really harsh upbringing from my dad.

[diplodocus]

Hmm my dad was very domineering with an explosive temper. He didn't really have any friends so to speak. Didn't appear to like going out very much or socialising at all. Cold, serious and unemotional. Don't ever remember him telling me or my brother that he cared about us.
It was always don't do that or this never well done.
But I knowing what SA is now I suspect its something my father suffered from too.

My mum, well I was much closer to her. She was shy but much more sociable. She had a few close friends. Pretty sure she loved me but can't really ever remember her saying it outright. Fairly inhibited emotionally in that respect. Mum was a likeable person, my friends would always say how cool my mum was.

Both parents were shy so I definitely got that. Generally got mix of most of my parents traits but I feel I have got a better understanding of my weaknesses. Still got SA though!

[hardy]

so it looks like generally one or both parents are "unsocial" not nessesarily shy.
Are there any Saers out there who have average parents?
Can I call having a few or many friends and going out socially fairly often average?

[custardcreams]

my dad is a bit odd, he often talks about how he 'hates being around morons all the time' (morons being pretty much anyone) and likes to spend his spare time away from people, isnt keen on parties and family gatherings but does his 'duty' fairly cheerfully, has a sort of general good-natured contempt (dont know how else to put it) for most people. however he is quite a warm person, not your typical aloof misanthrope or anything like that...

he is not a shrinking violet by any means. he is extremely confident... he just doesnt like people that much. i think when he was young he used to have sa to an extent but compensated by building up his confidence... some might say over-compensated

i am sure that the way he is has rubbed off on me, he can be a bit obnoxious which i have definitely inherited, i also have a lot of his vague dislike for pretty much everyone until they 'prove' themselves

my mum though, she's the total opposite, loves people, really 'bubbly' etc.

[threadbare]

i find my parents odd. and definitely socially odd. my dad was a very high achiever career-wise, i think due to his fearsomeness and bullying manner but has very ill-concealed misanthropic tendencies and does nothing to cultivate any kind of social life whatsoever. he has no real friends. and apparently has no desire to have any. my mum on the other hand is very submissive, insecure but seems to be a people-magnet. she gives off a warm demeanour publicly, and prefers to be around people, but has confided to me that she has no real friends either. she is actually quite an aloof person, but very lonely. i have come to the conclusion over the years that neither of my parents has any idea of how to connect with people in a genuine way socially. they are both extremely unhappy and dysfunctional people., with very little insight into their own situations.

[Jasper]

My childhood circumstances are odd, and not necessarily my parent's behaviour. I grew up with my grandparents who are both outgoing people socially with lots of friends. I only started living with my dad when I was a teenager, my parents had split up. My dad is a bit introvert but not shy or sa. He doesn't socialise as he's an indoors type but he can converse with people well. My mum is an extrovert and not to mention a complete bitch. I'm proof that you don't need to have sa parents to become an sa personality.

[scarlet_diva]

My parents are about as average as you can get, nothing unusual or odd about them at all, apart from my Mum being fairly cold & unaffectionate towards me & sis. But on the whole, they're both pretty stable. Which is ironic considering what a screw-up I turned out to be!!

[Admiral Fool]

my mum is quite normal and doesnt do so bad socially, she still has her friends from when she was a kid and stuff and isnt afraid to speak her mind, my dad was really well liked and could charm the pants of pretty much everybody he met, unfortunatley he was also a compulsive liar who only treated people well when he thought he could get something out of them...

still, at least he wasnt as bad as this uncle ive got who likes to shout at people on buses

[Pili-pala]

I think the nurture thing def has a lot to do with how we are.

My mum doesn't have SA, but she is neurotic. She worries a lot and has got a bit of a negative view of many things. She also had a breakdown when she was a lot younger. She hasn't loads of friends but she's fine socially and enjoys going out with the couple of good friends she has.

My parents got divorced when I was a child, due to my dads temper. I have never been close to him, due to fear of him flying off the handle and he can also be possessive. He hasn't any close friends and never has done really but he's always had many aqaintances and is fine talking to people, howeveer I do think he has problems of his own but wont admit to them.

[Kwix]

My dad is very socially disinterested. The sort of guy at work who goes and sits in his car rather than in the canteen with the rest of the staff. When he is in social situations he goes into a weird (to me at least) monotone, monologue voice that sounds nothing like him and mostly kills continued conversation dead.

Mum is capable of being pleasant, smiling/laughing in all the right places but ultimately doesn't really seem to get on all that well with people.

Neither has very many friends, don't really go out visiting beyond family and then only really to there parents/children.

As to how they have affected me I think dad is majorly critical of anything he doesn't agree with/understand. Also when I was a lad there was never any push for me to socialise, if we where out and i got a little shy my parents would talk for me (still do in fact). They where happy for me to sit in front of a computer and play games.

[jontyboyoh]

Funny you should mention it. When I was out a couple of weeks ago I bumped into guy who used to live opposite us. He's knocking on 50, smokes gear like a trooper and goes out a lot.

While we were talking, he said: 'I love your mum, I think she's great. But you're dad..... I can't work him out: he seems a bit odd'.

And you know what, its fcucking true...... I mean, the man's just rang me now, asked a bunch of questions about work, asked if my mum was in and then hung up without saying bye.

I wouldn't have been able to talk about my immediately family a few years ago because of the guilt, but fcuk it!

Another thing is: years ago when we were at family parties and my dad was having a go at me, one/two of my cousins would say: 'Why don't you tell him to fcuck off'/ 'Tell him to get off of your back'?.... I didn't understand it then, but do now.

Originally Posted by Kwix

Also when I was a lad there was never any push for me to socialise, if we where out and i got a little shy my parents would talk for me (still do in fact).

I can relate to this a bit. My mom used to pull this with me and it was really frustrating. It was alright if she answered on my part if I was being asked something that I wouldn't know how to answer but she would....but then she also tried answering for me on things I was capable of answering. When she did that she didn't even look to see if I wanted her to answer. So naturally I'd give her a shut the f up look. I don't have to deal with it much anymore because since I have a car I rarely go with her anywhere.

My lovely mum was shy and overly polite. She chatted to people but it always seemed to be a bit of an effort for her, not natural. She had friends, but I don't think any of them were close. I was very close to her, she was one person I could chat away with and not feel self-conscious! She didn't understand my depression, but she loved me as I was.

My dad had a nervous breakdown after my little brother was killed in a road accident, and he has since been diagnosed as manic-depressive. My parents were also very dependent on each other. I can't remember my dad ever having any friends, until they sarted going to church. When my mum died, about 6 months later he had met a girlfriend through a Christian dating site, and now he is socially dependent on her. I've never been close to my dad, our conversations are awkward. He can be a bit of a pain, too, he is intolerant of some groups of people (eg overweight people) and can be very opinionated. He used to embarrass my mum on purpose, which I found infuriating!

As a family we were very insular, socially. We didn't often have adults round the house, only the kids' friends. We never went out socially either, unless it was to relatives (painful). Both my brothers have married and had children, although I don't think my older brother has any friends outside of church. But they say one child usually displays all the symptoms of a dysfuntional family, so in this case, it's me!

[png]

My Dad is very shy and has no friends, but he's a friendly, easygoing person and has a good sense of humour (unlike me). He does have a really severe neurotic obsession with saving and not wasting anything tho - it's pretty much governed his whole life.

My mum otoh, is superficially sociable but is really acutely insecure and emotionally immature. She has very poor conversation skills and apart from gossip, her technique is just to let someone say something and then jump in with whatever she knows about it. She only knows how to talk about herself, and I'm the same.

As for the nature/nurture debate, I think for most saers, it's probably 35% nature, 65% nurture, though an upbringing leaving the person with low self-esteem is prolly the single biggest factor.

Here's a couple of relevant bit from two articles i posted under the old board - links at the bottom if you want to read the whole articles before they get lost in the ether:

"At the Nuffield, Dr Norris says there is not one cause of shyness, but many. 'Apart from any genetic influences, childhood and upbringing are important: the way children are treated, whether they are given messages that they are special and that people will like them, or whether parents give messages to their children that they must be on their guard, that the world is potentially hostile and people may be out to take advantage of them.' But he also says, 'I have seen parents who have done their very best, but in trying to help their children avoid the pitfalls, they have actually made them more fearful and equipped them less well for life. They see every situation as a potential threat.

"'We think it's a maldevelopment of social function,' explains Professor Lader. 'All children go through a stage of being scared of strangers, but this is different. They may be quite remote and isolated schoolkids, afraid of socialisation. I wouldn't want to alarm parents, but if they notice their children are behaving like that, there might be a problem at school or tension in the family which might be open to remedial measures. These children might need to be taught how to socialise.'

http://tinyurl.com/7pkcu

http://tinyurl.com/bl8wm

trough

[bobbert84]

My dad has been an alcoholic since as long as I can remember. I don't think he sees anybody he used to know anymore. My mum worries a lot, but used to a lot more, I think she thought she was too nice a person at some point and flipped into an opposite way of being, almost. I don't ever remember talking to them much about things going on with me, general small things like what happened during the day and stuff, I think I do more now but it feels like there was a massive lack of communication in our family that I only really realised when going to other peoples houses. but maybe that's just how I percieve it. but yeah, i'd say i have fairly odd parents

[LilyLady]

I've always found it odd that they say SA isn't genetic when I think in my case it clearly is. I obviously take after my dad's side of the family. I look like him, (in a feminine way - ) and I've always been shy like him. My mum always had to push him to phone people up and go out and do social things although he's a very friendly guy and is great once he gets himself out there.

My mum can be a little insecure about herself and how others perceive her but she is more sociable and tends to get the ball rolling.

I tend to think that it's more genetic rather than upbringing because my sister is the polar opposite social wise. She has since senior school had a fairly large social circle and has no problems going out and doing things by herself, and going here there and everywhere to catch up on old uni friends.

Although I do believe that events in your life affect you. I'm pretty sure I know what made my shyness more of a problem but I've always had the tendancy to be shy since a very early age.

[TimJ8]

My mum and dad show no SA symtoms. My mum is probably a bit shy, but my Dad is just normal. My older brother is very un SA and my sister is probably just normal. Why I am like I am I don't know, although I do think I was born like this, I don't think it is genetic or learnt from my family.