a life half lived

[pavlovsdog]

I'm going to apologise in advance as this is going to turn into a bit of a rant/whinge.

I've had a really bad weekend, not because of anything in particular, in fact, there is no reason I can think of at all, but I have been very tearful and feeling quite strange. I am trying to CBT myself, and wonder if this is the reason why. I have also been thinking a lot of all the opportunities I have missed due largely to SA, which includes career choices, educational choices, and lifestyle choices. As a result, I feel I have only had a life half lived. I have always tried to rationalise my feelings of not fitting in and general awkwardness around people by thinking I was different, but made the most of it telling myself I was independent and didn't need anyone. I have found this forum interesting and have reflected a lot on my upbringing and the affect this has had on me throughout my life. I do feel I have been damaged from an early age and I don't think I can overcome this. I have recently turned 51 years and my life is no different to what it was when I was 21 years, I remain alone and regretful for what could have been. I wonder constantly if there's any point in seeking help at this stage, as it is not going to bring my lost life back, and probably would only serve to strengthen my sense of loss. Its not just about not having a meaningful relationship; I don't think it would make any difference to me now, and going by past experience, would only make me feel more inadequate. Anyway, how could I possibly tell someone I hadn't been with anyone for X number of years? People already give me funny looks for not being married or having kids! And who would want me now, an overweight depressed socially inadequate person, with long term illnesses which means I will probably need taking care of as I get older, that's if I don't peg out first.

I look at what other people have done with their lives and feel envious, how do they do it? Then I start thinking that I should have made more of an effort to take responsibility when I was younger and tried harder to change things and do the things I really wanted to do, but it has been so difficult to see outside of this social void I have been trapped in.

I really hate my life, and actually don't know if I've ever felt happiness. If I believed in God I would pray that reincarnation doesn't really exist, as I would hate to go through this torturous hell again.

I have been feeling strange all day today, very emotional, so I have just had to get this out. I know many other people in the forum have had much worse experiences than me so I apologise to them too for this self indulgent out pouring.

I really don't know what to do, is it worth trying to change anything? I feel whatever happens will only make matters worse for me. Shall I just leave things the way they are and try to accept this as my life? If so, what can I do to make things more tolerable? I can't seem to see any way out of this that would improve my existence. Does anyone else feel like this?

[Rarebit]

its never too late

[pavlovsdog]

^ how do you know?

Thanks for the responses. I'm feeling a bit better today, but still feel weird, I cant explain it. Its this damned depression, I start ruminating and get stuck in that cycle. Not sure how I'll feel tomorrow...

[iTz0kt0Bu]

^ Although I'm not near to your age, I think you should still try cause having a good life, no matter how many years is better than wasting time regretting how much of a life you haven't had.

But idrk the solution so my answer is a bit simplistic.

[Aelwyn]

You might still have another 50 years of life! so of course it's worth trying a few things, and if you haven't yet talked to your GP, I would suggest doing so soon. I wish I hadn't left it so long to go myself. Write down all the problems you have, all the things your anxiety stops you doing, and take it along in case you forget. And don't let him/her fob you off straight away with medication - that might be a solution, but do ask about other options.

[pavlovsdog]

Thanks folks, I'll post a longer response after I've had a think

[Clockface]

Hi Pavlovsdog. I think you have done the right thing getting all these thoughts off your chest. I feel a lot of sympathy for you from what you say and I'm sure many other people who feel like you would love to just wave a magic wand and their lives would be sorted out.

I can relate to a lot of what you have said. I have stopped short of applying for jobs which, if it weren't for my SA, I may well have gone for. I always wanted a good career after leaving university, and I got jealous of my friends who were in high level jobs in their 20's, but with maturity I have come to accept that I would rather develop my career with my personality and not go for top jobs if I know I wouldn't feel personally comfortable in them. At the end of the day it is just a way of earning a living and there is more to life than work. In terms of lifestyle choices I wish I hadn't stayed at home with my parents for so many years after leaving uni, but I was too socially scared to share a house with people and it took me a few years before I could afford to live alone, which I do now.

Like you I feel I have missed out on life a lot. Like also, I feel very naive compared to everyone else and I think one of the reasons I feel anxious around people is that I'll get 'found out' in terms of poor levels of general knowledge, streetwiseness and experience. This is because my SA and being over protected as a child made me want nothing to do with people or the world and so I would just shut myself away and build a wall with people, in school for example (where I was also bullied), so I was not picking up general knowledge and social skills, and I wasn't adjusting very well to the world around me. Once I went to university I realised just how behind in the world I was and I must have appeared strange to most people (some of whom made this bleeding obvious), and even now I have trouble fitting in with people and just don't feel I belong in society. Interacting is very hard for me and again like you I often come away feeling rubbish about myself. However since coming out of my shell more and being more in touch with people and the world around me I have become more knowledgable and more people appear to respect and accept me more than they would have done say 7 or 8 years ago. I really kick myself now that I wasn't developing quicker as a child, but I now just try and say to myself "shit happens, I've just gotta put it behind me and look forward". Its the only solution I'm afraid.

You should definitely get help if you can. As most people on this thread have said, you are still young and have got years and years ahead of you. Start thinking to yourself "Today is the first day of the rest of my life!" and try and make an effort to start afresh. I am sure it will make you feel better about yourself. Plus you are entitled to have days/weeks where you feel emotional for no apparent reason, otherwise you wouldn't be human. Because of how you feel about yourself this is perfectly natural but at the same time its not nice for you to feel this way.

Hope this helps you in your recovery

[pavlovsdog]

Originally Posted by Martin74

The past can't be changed so no point beating yourself up about it. Just do what makes you happy. Always believe you can change things though - it gives you hope and hope is an important thing. Even if you don't succeed you can at least say you tried.

You are correct, of course, but I've had a lifetime of hoping and trying, and I'm very tired. I do try to remain positive, but I think deep down I just don't have any hope left.

Originally Posted by retep

^ Although I'm not near to your age, I think you should still try cause having a good life, no matter how many years is better than wasting time regretting how much of a life you haven't had.

But idrk the solution so my answer is a bit simplistic.

Again, you are correct, and your answer isn't simplistic at all.

Originally Posted by Aelwyn

You might still have another 50 years of life! so of course it's worth trying a few things, and if you haven't yet talked to your GP, I would suggest doing so soon. I wish I hadn't left it so long to go myself. Write down all the problems you have, all the things your anxiety stops you doing, and take it along in case you forget. And don't let him/her fob you off straight away with medication - that might be a solution, but do ask about other options.

My GP's pretty good. They have suggested therapy and I've been on anti depressants for nearly 2 years which has helped me keep my head above water. I do want to go for therapy, but I'm in a bit if a situation at work (another story!), its nothing bad, but I don't feel I can face therapy until I get this sorted out.

While a lot of people here do still seem to lead quite active lives despite their SA, I think a lot of people will still relate to that. I feel like that, more like a life quarter lived! I feel like I'm very behind in everything and forever playing catch up. I feel ver out of my depth and naive about a lot of things really, due to isolating myself so long.

Totally identify with this! I have always felt like I've just missed out on things and suffered some developmental gaps due to SA. For example,
I never experienced that hand holding gazing into the eyes thing when I was younger that seems to be a rite of passage for teenagers.

I do feel like you do, wondering if there's any point in bothering to try. I don't foresee any big changes and I have looked into it so I know my condition inside out pretty much. The changes I'm able to make would be small but I'm still going to try to make them, however I can. Baby steps. Because I owe it to myself after years of suffering this shit, to put up a bit of a fight at least. But I'm realistic. I just want some improvement in my quality of life not a miracle. Maybe that's the thing to do, try to do the little that you can, that you are in control of and sometimes good things happen when you do this. Starts a sort of domino effect. I've seen it happen and if I wasn't such a depressive, I'd have taken more advantage of it.

After reading everyone's comments yesterday, I reflected on what my life goals had been and whether there was any way I could get closer to them. I know I need to increase my activity to lift my mood, so I went for a walk when I got in from work - it certainly blew the cobwebs away, it was freezing! I'm going to try to do this daily whenever I can. Its a start.

Don't sell yourself short. If you are down, in a bad place atm it makes sense why you are only seeing the worst. I'm sure those above things don't define you and there is more to you than that. Maybe you don't value them because they're not as valued out in the world as much as they ought to be. But you should accept and appreciate yourself regardless. From your posts, you sound like an intelligent, lovely and interesting person (with great taste in punk rock if I may say). You have every chance of one day meeting someone who will value you for being you. Don't give up, you're only 51. Use the frustration/regret to propel you into rolling up your sleeves and giving it another go!

I hope you find a way and I wish you all the best.

Thanks for your kind words

Originally Posted by Macca82

Hi Pavlovsdog.


Like you I feel I have missed out on life a lot. Like also, I feel very naive compared to everyone else and I think one of the reasons I feel anxious around people is that I'll get 'found out' in terms of poor levels of general knowledge, streetwiseness and experience...., and even now I have trouble fitting in with people and just don't feel I belong in society. Interacting is very hard for me and again like you I often come away feeling rubbish about myself. However since coming out of my shell more and being more in touch with people and the world around me I have become more knowledgable and more people appear to respect and accept me more than they would have done say 7 or 8 years ago. I really kick myself now that I wasn't developing quicker as a child, but I now just try and say to myself "shit happens, I've just gotta put it behind me and look forward". Its the only solution I'm afraid.

You should definitely get help if you can. As most people on this thread have said, you are still young and have got years and years ahead of you. Start thinking to yourself "Today is the first day of the rest of my life!" and try and make an effort to start afresh. I am sure it will make you feel better about yourself. Plus you are entitled to have days/weeks where you feel emotional for no apparent reason, otherwise you wouldn't be human. Because of how you feel about yourself this is perfectly natural but at the same time its not nice for you to feel this way.

Hope this helps you in your recovery

Hi Macca, thanks again, and I'll take on board what you have said. Its hard to apply it to yourself though isn't it?

Originally Posted by jinny

Hi, I always notice when people post on this site about wasted time and getting older, because I felt like this for a long time when I was (ridiculously!) only in my early 20s.

Me too!

The quality of your life can be something you can work on at any time. What sort of things did you enjoy as a child, that your depression has stopped you doing? Have you thought about any volunteering work? The more you can enjoy the here & now, the less you'll dwell on regretful thoughts. Don't give up, you deserve to enjoy your own life.

I have always been an active a busy person until about 12 years ago when my physical health started to deteriorate, leaving me with fatigue issues. Reading and music have always been my saviours, but I can't even summon up the energy to do either of those things now. I don't think I could manage any voluntary work - I work two jobs and am also studying, so adding anything else in might just finish me off! I have been trying a bit of mindfulness today, and was quite surprised how effective it was! I have given myself a good talking to so thanks for your suggestions and ideas, I'll try to take them on board.

Thanks all of you for your support. I don't have anyone to really talk to so I do appreciate it xx

[Mr_Bean]

Originally Posted by jinny

Hi, I always notice when people post on this site about wasted time and getting older, because I felt like this for a long time when I was (ridiculously!) only in my early 20s. I think it's a symptom of our society, because it values youth and sexual attractiveness so very highly.
There are lots of posts from people who feel like they've wasted their life and they might be in their 20s, 30s, 40s or like you in their 50s & the point is that none of these ages is old in real terms, but we all feel old very quickly when we look at who and what's celebrated in our culture. I stopped feeling like this when I did my degree in my late 20s. I studied ceramics and before I started I was worried everyone would be 18-20 & I'd seem really "old", but the ages of people on my course ranged from around 20 up to people in their 60s, with people of all ages in between. It made me see that life isn't linear, just because you've been here a certain number of years shouldn't mean you should be somewhere on a life timeline. The quality of your life can be something you can work on at any time. What sort of things did you enjoy as a child, that your depression has stopped you doing? Have you thought about any volunteering work? The more you can enjoy the here & now, the less you'll dwell on regretful thoughts. Don't give up, you deserve to enjoy your own life.

That's a great post, thanks.

[redderrose]

I'm 51 too Pavlovsdog. And my life is a twilight existence to a certain extent. More so since I entered my 50's and hit some kind of mid-life crisis. There is less time to play with. How do I re enter the workplace for instance, when I haven't done paid work for twenty years (long term mental health problems).

Apparently those with MH problems die an average of 10-15 years younger than others. I can only hope that will be the case for me...sorry to be a downer, but that's the sad truth. My existence is a pointless waste of life.

[softlyspoken2]

Hi PD

I'm 51 too and I can relate. I would suggest that you see a therapist because having some support when you travel back into the past is really helpful. Don't give up, there's a lot more effective therapies and help out there these days! The time is now...the past is over and the future is yet to come. Good Luck and keep posting!

[aVoice2use]

Hi Pavlovs
You and I share some similairties as we have discovered.

I come across posts on this site that I read and think blimey - that's me posting that (90%) of - yeah the differecne is we all react in our own ways.

But I find these posts good - as I find it hard to formulate the words / sentences to put down how I feel - so give sme a good insgiht into myslef.

Not a great deal of helpful response for you tho! other than forget the past - it is dead wood / gone / dust - regardless if you have done nothing or done everyhting.

Believe me - you have worht and are as worthy as anyone - give it a go - try some new stuff out ans see where it goes -no expectations.

Feel free to PM - as I say I was so gla dto read these words as I could have expressed most of them myslef.

Keep well

[pavlovsdog]

Originally Posted by redderrose

Apparently those with MH problems die an average of 10-15 years younger than others. I can only hope that will be the case for me...sorry to be a downer, but that's the sad truth. My existence is a pointless waste of life.

Its not a downer, I'm really not worried about dying, I just don't want to suffer pain. Even though I am struggling with my own feelings about myself, I find it hard to believe your life is a pointless waste; the fact of being alive means your life will have touched someone else's and made a difference.

Originally Posted by softlyspoken2

Hi PD

I'm 51 too and I can relate. I would suggest that you see a therapist because having some support when you travel back into the past is really helpful. Don't give up, there's a lot more effective therapies and help out there these days! The time is now...the past is over and the future is yet to come. Good Luck and keep posting!

Yes I'm trying to shake this off, but its difficult to let go of the past even though I know its not healthy. I am starting to looked forward though and made some plans for small changes. Thanks for your thoughts x

Originally Posted by aVoice2use

Hi Pavlovs
You and I share some similairties as we have discovered.

I come across posts on this site that I read and think blimey - that's me posting that (90%) of - yeah the differecne is we all react in our own ways.

But I find these posts good - as I find it hard to formulate the words / sentences to put down how I feel - so give sme a good insgiht into myslef.

Not a great deal of helpful response for you tho! other than forget the past - it is dead wood / gone / dust - regardless if you have done nothing or done everyhting.

Believe me - you have worht and are as worthy as anyone - give it a go - try some new stuff out ans see where it goes -no expectations.

Feel free to PM - as I say I was so gla dto read these words as I could have expressed most of them myslef.

Keep well

Hi, thanks for the offer, I will probably pm you sometime if that's OK. And it does help to hear others share the same feelings, so thanks to you and everyone who has posted, you have given me a lot to think about. I'm going to take a short break from the forum for a few days cos I need some time to think, but I will take on board all your suggestions. Thank you all for being so kind and thoughtful. I'll be back again soon!