Do you think you make people around you anxious?

[daveysurfy]

Just a thought, I can remember a psychiatrist asking me that exact question many years ago, to which my reply was a big NO, nowadays though I think the answer is possibly YES, everyone gives off some sort of energy whether you like it or not, maybe it's down to body language, maybe something else, whether its an uneasy nervous one or a self assured confident one, I certainly think the opposite can be true, some people can put you totally at ease for sure, maybe it depends on the other person?

[black_mamba]

A guy came to my house today to buy a bike off me. He didn't crack a smile for the entire half hour he was here. Even though the words coming out of his mouth were dead friendly and he handed over hundreds of pounds of cash into my hands (yippeeee!!), his manner made me feel a bit uneasy.

Body language is more powerful than a lot of people realise.

[Clockface]

Originally Posted by black_mamba

Body language is more powerful than a lot of people realise.

"Your body language speaks before you do"

I read that in a book called How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends by Don Gabor. Great quote I thought

[Kam]

I dont think i make people anxious unless there an anxious person like me, id hate for people to be anxious around me and even when my anxiety was at my worst thats not what i was tryna portray,i was aiming for ...im a quite fella....leave me alone"... )

but i guess in the height of anxiety,that look of angst isnt gonna sit well with people

[dlm026]

Yeah I do feel like I give of anxious vibes and I can make situations awkward for other people too.

I just tell myself I have a right to be there and just go with the flow as best I can. There is usually an opportunity to let people know you're an alright person even though
you are very solitary and quiet.

Interacting for me is easier when I feel relaxed, so long smooth breathing and really listening to what people say are the things that help me the most these days. Also learning to not care so much about what comes out my mouth. I am really s**t at getting my words out sometimes and usually think of the right thing to say just after it is useful. It's really not the end of the world though, so just carry on and know that sometimes things will go right and other times not so right and that is okay.

Although, most of the time I can switch off in my current job and I don't have to interact too much, so it could be a lot harder if things were different. I wouldn't do a job that was obviously bad for my mental health.

[JulesH]

Originally Posted by black_mamba

A guy came to my house today to buy a bike off me. He didn't crack a smile for the entire half hour he was here. Even though the words coming out of his mouth were dead friendly and he handed over hundreds of pounds of cash into my hands (yippeeee!!), his manner made me feel a bit uneasy.

Body language is more powerful than a lot of people realise.

Maybe he just didn't like smiling?

I certainly don't most of the time... So yeah, I'd say I make people feel anxious too. You do give off vibes which people pick up on easily.

[dlm026]

Yes I agree, forcing oneself if it makes you feel really uncomfortable is not a good thing to do because it leads to a whole lot of brooding usually. Finding the right balance between showing my face and trying to be amiable and keeping myself to myself and switching off does a lot more for my mental health than always pushing myself and feeling bad for not trying harder or doing better. It's better to do things on your own terms. As you say, the general worthlessness and loneliness in my case remains, but we are a strong kind of people.

[Progress]

Yes I think I can make some people feel awkward.
It's probably a big part of my problem that people don't want to be with me because of this. But I think I've learnt that a lot of it is me projecting my thoughts/assumptions onto other people. I'm beginning to learn that a lot of people (and groups of people) are actually quite happy with someone quiet. The more I accept my quietness, the more relaxed I am and the less awkward I am. So when I do have something to say it is more natural and other people respond to that.

[buttonlane]

You were fine with me missy, non of this silent tension you speak of. If anything you were quite chatty in the end. Not quite the gobby cow but chatty non the less.

And what.

[Amber Fyre]

It really depends on the situation and who I am with. Some people as soon as I meet them I feel quite comfortable and can chat to them and hopefully seem friendly. Other times I can feel really awkward and find it impossible to create conversation, especially if I'm with another shy person. I hate the idea that I put other shy people on edge, I really want to learn how to talk to shy people.

Generally when meeting people I try to focus on my body language and do little things like try to show I am interested, look up not down, not cross my arms, give eye contact, smile, listen when they speak, say hi and bye to everyone.. But if I'm in a really awkward situation (ie. with a group of people who all know each other and are talking about things I can't join in with) then this can fall apart and I'm sure I make people feel more uncomfortable.

I'm always going to be the shy one in a group, but I'm working on making sure I don't come across as uninterested and unapproachable, which make people uncomfortable. Think I'm getting better at this.

[Morgana]

In one on one conversation situations, I'm sure I do, because I become over self-conscious of everything, and develop nervous habits, that's never very reassuring to other people. In a smallish group it's different, and people in those situations are often surprised to find out I'm nervous at all.

[black_mamba]

Originally Posted by JulesH

Maybe he just didn't like smiling?

Maybe, and that's fair enough. I just can't help this very animal/primal feeling in my gut when around someone who doesn't smile at all though.

Originally Posted by buttonlane

You were fine with me missy, non of this silent tension you speak of. If anything you were quite chatty in the end. Not quite the gobby cow but chatty non the less.

And what.

You met T-to-the-G! Did you get her autograph?

Originally Posted by Amber Fyre

But if I'm in a really awkward situation (ie. with a group of people who all know each other and are talking about things I can't join in with) then this can fall apart and I'm sure I make people feel more uncomfortable.

Sounds like they were making you uncomfortable, not the other way around. I know group dynamics are very tricky, but often it's polite for someone in the group to ease you in or explain the story/situation rather than just leaving you feeling left out.

[Amber Fyre]

Originally Posted by black_mamba

Sounds like they were making you uncomfortable, not the other way around. I know group dynamics are very tricky, but often it's polite for someone in the group to ease you in or explain the story/situation rather than just leaving you feeling left out.

These are really difficult situations as I can find no possible way to join in. Last year I had this when I met up with my friend and her old uni pals who I'd never met. They all started talking for ages about specific things and people from their uni days and I had no clue about the things they were talking about. I wonder what confident people do in these situations? Do they somehow find a way to get into the conversation? I just sat there awkwardly, her friends must have thought I was mute. But if I was in their shoes I wouldn't let it happen, I'd be really conscious about the person being left out and would try to change the topic.

[black_mamba]

Originally Posted by Amber Fyre

These are really difficult situations as I can find no possible way to join in. Last year I had this when I met up with my friend and her old uni pals who I'd never met. They all started talking for ages about specific things and people from their uni days and I had no clue about the things they were talking about. I wonder what confident people do in these situations? Do they somehow find a way to get into the conversation? I just sat there awkwardly, her friends must have thought I was mute. But if I was in their shoes I wouldn't let it happen, I'd be really conscious about the person being left out and would try to change the topic.

Several things I've noticed...

-Ask plenty of leading questions about what they're talking about. People do often relish retelling and reliving stories.
-Do nothing, busy themselves, drink, eat, listen attentively and look nonplussed/smile a bit and wait until the topic changes.

I tend to do a mixture of both. However, if they group are totally oblivious to me even after I try asking questions, they can go f*ck themselves quite frankly. Certain social groups are very open about being closed, if that makes sense.

[Mr_Bean]

I try. (kidding)