My mum is so worried and down about me, she tried to commit suicide

[tghe-retford]

I finally got to see my Mum today and she was still very down about life and me. She told me two things I didn't want to hear and a vote of no confidence.

My mum (the following will explain why she hasn't been contactable) told me that she is very worried about me and she ended up very depressed and tried to hang herself last week. My mums friend thankfully managed to talk her away from doing it.

She told me she is worried about how my life is. She knows that my sisters are settled, but she told me that she wants to see me settled in my house and get a full time job before she can die happy.

She then told me that she no longer sees or expects me to get married or find a partner and have kids.

Well, if I have to try and see that last statement in a positive light, at least some of the pressure on me is off.

[mal]

That much have been a terrible shock
I honestly think your mother needs some serious help. Your not being married, or settled, is not a reason to do something so drastic. There are surely some very deep problems with her state of mind.

[EnJay:Evolution]

I think your Mum has deeper problems than you if she tryed to kill herself. How did her friend talk her away from doing it, did her friend just appear as she was about to hang herself? I'm not doubting her, i'm just curious as to if she's trying to jolt you in to doing something.

Does your Mum do anything to help you, if she's so worried about you then how is she helping you? Or does she just say stuff and then leave you to it?

Your only young, you've got all the time in the world to find a partner, get married and whatnot. Trying to put pressure on you to do stuff isn't exactly helping you, is it?

You know, mu Mum thinks that having a home and a job is considered a success, stabilty it seems is what we should all strive for. Personally i disagree with her, happiness=success. House+Job means diddly squat if your unhappy.

[Winnie57]

I don't tell my mum anything about me as I know she'd worry.

I hope your mum is okay. You must be very upset that she's been driven to a suicide attempt through worry about you. I hope you are okay and your mum too

[tghe-retford]

Thanks for the comments so far.

I was less shocked (she has tried to kill herself before a few years ago with a drugs overdose, but she then went into a pub, told everyone and then someone called 999) but more worried about her state of mind. I'm not sure what is worrying her deep down, other than she is currently suspended from her job and the money she earns has gone down. She lives with the aforementioned friend by the way.

All she told me this morning when she said she was feeling down was that she was worried about me in life, ie. having a house (which I have) and a full-time job.

I do agree though there is more than meets the eye to this but that's all she told me today. Though she is feeling a bit better anyway, which is kind of a relief, I suppose.

I'm just thankful her friend is keeping a very close eye on her. I would dread to think what would have happened if she was still living on her own.

[EnJay:Evolution]

This is whats known as a "Difficult Situation", i don't really know what else to say.

Sounds like the two of you would be wise to really start supporting each other.

[Left Of The Dial]

This sounds like horrible news to hear tghe-retford. I don't really know what to say except i hope that your mum is ok, and i hope she can get the help she needs. Hope you are ok

[W!llow]

so sorry that must of been awful for you tghe-retford. Your mum is obviously going through problems that she needs to sort out, it is sad that she has made you feel to blame, and is guilt tripping you, though I understand she may not be able to help it entirely if she is unwell at the moment.

Is this a first, or does your mum sometimes emotionally blackmail you? It must be very hard for you to cope with.

Usually with depression, it is a multitude of things that contribute to someone feeling the way they do, I'm sure there must be more to it. It is understandable to want your children to be happy and worry about them, but this sounds extreme.

take care of yourself and hope your mum feels better soon too.

[Ross PK]

I'm sorry to hear that mate. Couldn't you talk to your mum about the fact that while it's understandable that your situation would get her down, that she shouldn't be feeling so down that she wants to kill herself, and that it would be a good idea if she talked to the doc about having depression which she could be given meds and/or therapy for.

[firewoman]

I think it's absolutely terrible that your Mum is blaming you for her state of mind. She needs help . .only she really can help herself by going to get help. You are not responsible for the way she feels, that is something SHE needs to work on.

No wonder you feel down if she treats you like that.

Ask yourself this - If you were settled and stable (by her standards) would all her problems instantly vanish? I doubt it! This is what you need to remember.

Sorry to harsh, but she needs to take some responsibilty here.

[jontyboyoh]

Yeah................Terrible news, mate.

Hope she sorts herself out and manages to accept u for who u r as well.

[Innervision]

Originally Posted by firewoman

I think it's absolutely terrible that your Mum is blaming you for her state of mind. She needs help . .only she really can help herself by going to get help. You are not responsible for the way she feels, that is something SHE needs to work on.

No wonder you feel down if she treats you like that.

Ask yourself this - If you were settled and stable (by her standards) would all her problems instantly vanish? I doubt it! This is what you need to remember.

Sorry to harsh, but she needs to take some responsibilty here.

It surely is a horrible situation you are in, tghe.

I have to agree with firewoman. Your mum obviously has her own problems external to anything you are doing with your life. It's a shame that you have been aportioned with the blame for her actions, but it's not really down to you. How could it be?

What you are doing in your life should not determine whether your mum's life feels worth living or not. There are numerous takes your mum could have on your life situation, but it is her own thinking that has somehow brought her to the conclusion she must end her life because of supposedly what is happening, or not happening, in your's.

My guess is that your mum needs help of her own, and her issues go deeper than either she realises or is letting on. All parents are going to worry about their offspring, but your mum's feelings have crossed this line and gone much further, and that is down to her ... not you.

Your mum's fears over your future are not necessarily reflective of how your future will actually pan out, either. They are her fears , not your reality, so try not to see them as such.

Your mum is in her own head-space there, and not thinking of you. If she was thinking of your best interests she would probably not have dumped all that guilt onto you, because that is definitely not going to help you, is it?

If you can, try not to internalise what she has said and take on the blame for what is happening with her. Sometimes in life, for many reasons, people blame anything and everything other than themselves or their own problems for how they feel. The world is full of parents worrying about their offspring, but most are not reacting like your mum has. Obviously your mum has her own issues to address here. That's no criticism of her, and I really feel for her and hope she is ok.

Take care, tghe.

[blubs]

I agree with innervision...try not to feel responsible for the way your mum feels.
I think sometimes when you get depressed it distorts your reality & judgement....& things which you normally cope with ok seem too much. Maybe your mum is focusing on your problems because she's depressed....rather than being depressed because of your problems.

[tghe-retford]

Thanks everyone.

What I think is a bit of a shock is that my Mum was the one who supported me and believed in me from when I was a teenager. She was the one who I could move back to when my Dad's girlfriend (now ex) kept throwing me out, though she had money problems, so I was always forced to move back in with Dad now and again.

I think through my life so far, my Mum has always been the one to be there if I needed help. I do have my close mate in Retford, but as I mentioned, he will not be around for much longer when he goes into the army and moves away. My Mum was the one who suggested I should go and see a doctor regarding my social anxiety after another suggestion I got on another forum to do so.

And my Mum was always defending me when everyone else would ignore me or go against me.

Now she is so down and she has lost a lot of hopes of what she wanted her son to become, I think that is what is worrying or shocking me, regardless of her obvious mental health issues which need to be addressed.

I know a lot of people disagree with me posting that I would never find a partner, but from my own Mum, who I would expect to be the first person who would have hope for me.

If my Mum was gone, then I would really feel so isolated. My Mum is kinda like most of the hope in my life because she is the one person who has seen me through all these years. If she died now, I would be in such a state, I would dread to think what my mental state would be. It's not worth thinking about.

[firewoman]

It sounds from your latest post that your Mum is using you to make herself feel better. That is not your role in this life. She has made you dependent on her, so much that you feel like you can never leave her, and that you can't live without her. I know what I am talking about because my Mum manipulated me in the same way from many years, until I got wise to her and set up a new relationship with her where I would make it clear that I was not a rubbish bin for all the shit in her life.

I think all you can really do is make sure she gets the professional help that she obviously needs. I don't think you will be able to help her by yourself.

Sounds to me like you feel like you have let your Mum down. Godsake, that is just not the case. You are her son, not her guardian angel.

My Mum used to threaten suicide to me as well - made me feel like it was my fault, that I was useless because I couldn't heal her pain and stop her feeling that way. But now I am an adult and have a bit more perspective on things I see that her state of mind was not due to me. I hope I can help you see that you are not responsible for your Mum.

Yes, it is awful, the thought of losing her. I used to worry about my Mum killing herself too. Do all you can to make sure your Mum gets proper help.

I can't help but wonder too if she has contributed to you thinking you can't live without her - is that her talking or you talking? Something worth thinking about.

[Jules07]

Crikey, that must be quite traumatic.

I obviously dont know the situation at all...but for what its worth, mums are often afraid of their children becoming independent of them, so maybe when your mum said you would never find a partner, she was expressing a wish (albeit unconsciously) rather than a statement of fact.

Trying to kill herself over you also sounds like a rather dramatic way to guilt trip you into paying her more attention.

im afraid that quite often, our loved ones cant really help us with our mental problems, we have to sort them out ourselves, perhaps with the help of professionals or medication. its the same with your problems, youll have to sort them out yourself, even if that means leaving your mum, and shell have to sort out her own problems too.

we cant be responsible for other adults, ultimately. we can only be responsible for ourselves and our own thoughts, and your mum blaming her problems on you is just wrong.

[Grah08]

I'd say just calm/reassure her you're working towards those goals and in the meantime she could make sure shes looking after herself and not dwelling too much over things and that. Sounds like something is getting her down a bit much.

[Moksha]

Originally Posted by tghe-retford

I finally got to see my Mum today and she was still very down about life and me. She told me two things I didn't want to hear and a vote of no confidence.

My mum (the following will explain why she hasn't been contactable) told me that she is very worried about me and she ended up very depressed and tried to hang herself last week. My mums friend thankfully managed to talk her away from doing it.

She told me she is worried about how my life is. She knows that my sisters are settled, but she told me that she wants to see me settled in my house and get a full time job before she can die happy.

She then told me that she no longer sees or expects me to get married or find a partner and have kids.

Well, if I have to try and see that last statement in a positive light, at least some of the pressure on me is off.

It is just not fair when parents do this. I feel sometimes as if I have failed them if I am not happy, that I have a duty to be happy...which makes me unhappy I have often had my mum in tears, saying she can't bear to see me this way, so I kind of know how you feel.