The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

[girlinterrupted]

I'm so alone,way more than I realised. I have my mum but she is elderly and not well and I know I'm worrying her sick with the state I'm in but it won't stop. I can't talk to her about everything,she doesn't need any more of it and wouldn't understand all of it anyway. There is no cmht,no cpn,the GP asked `what do you think I can do for you?` and was annoyed by me even contacting them `you were already given the Samaritans number`. I know that you **** but as much as a lifeline they and other helplines can be they're not on-going trained medical mh staff are they. They're also not even the same person each time you call.

I had two friends in my whole life and now they're both dead. For some reason now I have also lost faith (not religious,just some sort of vain desperate hope) in an afterlife so it's like I've lost all hope of seeing/being with all my family who have already passed.

I can see nothing,no good,no happiness,no comfort,no safety ahead of me,only terror,loneliness,misery left in this life,and not even the crumb of comfort of some self deluded hope of seeing people again after death. It's just a matter of how long the misery goes on for,2 days,2 years,20,then nothing.

Only one person left in the whole world now who loves me and whose life would be affected if I ceased to exist,after that no-one would even notice nvm vaguely give a sh*t.

I don't want to be here like this,I don't want to be here without him or all of them.

[Dougella]

^ I don't know what's wrong with some GPs, it sounds like that one didn't even show you any understanding.

[Tom1985]

Originally Posted by roro_1990

I've realized today why I have managed to make it to 29 and still be a socially inept loser, much like I've been most of my life. The answer is that I am a misanthrope with a cynical worldview who hates life.

You know how I know I'm a misanthrope? Because when people suggest volunteering for a good cause, as they often do as a solution to mental health difficulties or loneliness, I have no interest in doing so because I don't have the energy to care about people I don't know. I literally pass homeless people by in the street and don't give them anything. Because I have no genuine friends, just drinking buddies who are only tolerable when I'm half drunk. Because I managed to make it through4 years of college without a lifelong friend, because I went to Australia on a working holiday visa and didn't make a friend due to keeping to myself. I am simply not meant to get on with people.

Today I received precisely two Merry Christmas messages from people who aren't my parents. When they die, which they will most likely in the next decade (and people say your 30s can be more fun than your 20s lol) it'll be probably nobody wishing me anything.

But I only have myself to blame really. I have a cynical worldview that says people are mostly attention-seeking and inherently nasty. Everyone is out to laugh at me and point out my flaws, whether that flaw is going red or stumbling words or being quiet or not being good looking.

I'm just tired of it all. Tired of hating the world, tired of hating myself. I will never attain the popularity that even an average Joe does. Most people who live near me probably think i'm either autistic or just a complete loser who doesn't talk or who hates everyone. And they're probably right. I think this is goodbye.

I can empathise with this. I am not a people person, never have been and probably never will be. All through my life at school or workplaces etc I will usually make friends or a friend or a couple and just stick to those people and barely, if at all, communicate with the rest. At the moment I don't have any friends tbh. I have a couple I could call to meet up with if push came to shove but haven't spoke to either in about 6 months. I do feel like I want friends but at the same time feel like I don't. It's because of the need to talk, talk, talk.
It just wares me out. I don't have this unlimited well of information to talk about. I can do it but it's exhausting and I feel as if i'm putting on a persona.
Majority of the time I want to be by myself yet the longer you live a solitary life
I feel communication skills get rusty and it makes it harder to get back to being sociable. I myself am somewhat misanthropic. I find "bubbly" loud people mostly annoying and irritating. Am probably over critical of people and very critical of myself. I have a glass half empty view of life. I don't know what the future holds for me in terms of getting into a new relationship, making some new friends, getting out of isolation but what I do know is absolutely nothing will change if I don't fight against it and force changes to happen.
I think you are very self aware and to be self aware you need to be a thoughtful person. Not giving money to homeless people or wanting to volunteer doesn't make you heartless, it could be a multitude of reasons deep down why you don't do those things.

[john smith]

Originally Posted by girlinterrupted

I'm so alone,way more than I realised. I have my mum but she is elderly and not well and I know I'm worrying her sick with the state I'm in but it won't stop. I can't talk to her about everything,she doesn't need any more of it and wouldn't understand all of it anyway. There is no cmht,no cpn,the GP asked `what do you think I can do for you?` and was annoyed by me even contacting them `you were already given the Samaritans number`. I know that you **** but as much as a lifeline they and other helplines can be they're not on-going trained medical mh staff are they. They're also not even the same person each time you call.

I had two friends in my whole life and now they're both dead. For some reason now I have also lost faith (not religious,just some sort of vain desperate hope) in an afterlife so it's like I've lost all hope of seeing/being with all my family who have already passed.

I can see nothing,no good,no happiness,no comfort,no safety ahead of me,only terror,loneliness,misery left in this life,and not even the crumb of comfort of some self deluded hope of seeing people again after death. It's just a matter of how long the misery goes on for,2 days,2 years,20,then nothing.

Only one person left in the whole world now who loves me and whose life would be affected if I ceased to exist,after that no-one would even notice nvm vaguely give a sh*t.

I don't want to be here like this,I don't want to be here without him or all of them.

If you are feeling lonely GI and in the mood to talk you could come into SAUK chat and/or jumpinchat that tends to be more active than the forum.

[Sunrise]

I really need help, but I despise having to deal with any type of mental health worker as I don't trust them and I don't think they have my best interests at heart. In fact I don't "think" that, they don't have my best interest's at heart.

I don't have any sort of support network. I don't have anyone I can turn to about anything. I don't have anyone who I can hug or who's shoulder to cry on. Nobody who I could telephone or text. The only outlet I have is this forum, which I've used on and off for nearly 17 years (!) but am just an anonymous person in the background. Nobody know's me anywhere. My own family don't really know me. I'm completely alone.

It's weird. I don't know what's really keeping me alive. It's not other people. I'm not worried that I'd upset them or they'd miss me. That sounds horrible but I doubt anyone would really feel anything because nobody knows me. I honestly think it's just morbid curiosity that keeps me going. Absurdist nihilism is what someone pretentious would call it.

People who don't deserve it die everyday. Yet someone who doesn't deserve the gift of life carries on. I don't see life as a beatiful gift I've been given that I should make the most of, and for that reason alone I probably don't deserve it. I'm the worst kind of person, and I don't care, which makes me even worse.

Sometimes it feels like suicide would be the best thing I could do. Morally it would be the right decision. A sort of redemption. I'm not actually going to do it though. I just get this thought constantly. It feels like it wouldn't be a tragedy, it would be the one good thing I've done in my life.

[Sunrise]

I'm not sure I even see myself as a failure. I don't really see myself as anything. I'm not depressed, and I don't think my life is terrible. I don't think my life is anything really. I just don't really have any interest in living anymore. I feel like I'm an impartial observer of life. It's not something I'm a part of and it's not something I want to be a part of. I don't think this is a symptom of severe depression. I haven't hit rock bottom. I haven't hit anything, there's nothing to hit. I know what the lows of severe depression feel like. Right now I just feel empty.

Suicide is a horrible thing. There's nothing romantic about it. The whole Kurt Cobain tortured genius aspect of suicide is vile. If someone told me they were suicidal I would try and do everything I could to support them. Yet when I feel this way I don't feel anything. I don't feel sadness or shame, and I don't feel happy either. I don't really feel like it would be an emotional decision. It's a bizarre feeling.

[Consolida]

@ Sunrise - I'm glad that you don't intend to act on certain thoughts because it certainly would be a tragedy if you weren't here. Although you may find it hard to believe, family and friends would be devastated by your loss and it would greatly sadden people here who have come to know you and, yes, like you through the posts that you share


@ HH - I hate to burst your bubble, but you've already touched the lives of others! For what it's worth (and I personally think it's worth a great deal) lots of folk on the forum missed you, myself included, when you hadn't posted for awhile

[Sunrise]

Sometimes I think by staying alive I'm being very selfish. All the people out there who think I'm pathetic would probably feel some sort of perverse pleasure if I died, and I don't want to give them the satisfaction.

Sometimes I feel like my entire motivation for living is just being very unpleasant. I've sort of started to embrace the freak caricature I've become. Trying to fight it didn't work so I'm sort of rebelling by being as repulsive as possible.

It's horrible really. I'm a hideous person. Monstrously ugly, ignorant, stupid, rude, unfriendly, attention seeking, irrational, unpredictable. The worst character traits you can have, and I seem to have started to embrace it.

If I had any sort of conscience I'd do the right thing. I've often thought I'd die by murder - I think a few of the local hard men would love to bump off the local oddball. But again I don't really fear it, I just don't want to give them the pleasure. I don't want to give them the bragging rights. I'd rather just wipe all trace of me from existence. I can't win whatever I do. It's either live as a freak or die like they expect me too.

It's quite upsetting to think like this, but I think about it every day. When I walk down the streets I'm always on my guard. I don't see anywhere or anyone as safe. I don't trust anyone, and I'm quick to get very defensive. It's a horrible way to live.

[Tom1985]

What is it you've done that makes you such a horrible person?
why do you think you are so bad?

[Consolida]

^ Thinking all of those things (that you're hideous, stupid, etc) doesn't make any of it true. I'd confidently take bets that nobody thinks of you in such a derogatory way apart from you.

Most people are so wrapped up in their own lives that they barely give you, or the likes of me, a moments thought. We are insignificant in their lives and they in ours. It's only those closest to you - the people you care about and who care about you (a parent, sibling, maybe a friend) who are important. Nobody else.

Please start the New year off by trying to be a little kinder to yourself Sunrise

[Utopia]

^ Well tbh, mental health and suicide is an issue that I understand from first hand experience, and I wouldn't wish suicidal levels of depression on anyone, but I totally get that way of thinking, but our emotions can colour reality; we can be in the same situation but see it in a completely different way according to mood, this is why medication can help sometimes. I completely understand why people would feel suicidal, but many of us here, and others with bad mental health conditions, struggle to be understood or move on, this is because these conditions are real, but they are misunderstood by much of society, or simply not cared about. It's amazing how much of the brain and things like emotional regulation are subconscious, just try to put your faith in the right evidence based treatments, personally I think human life has value, I understand the emotions, but there are reasons to carry on.

[Pink*Lady]

**** off already...

[newbs16]

^ I hope you're ok pink lady, please take care of yourself.

[3stacks]

^

[girlinterrupted]

I'm so sorry you're feeling so badly Nanuq I understand a tiny little bit of what you described,I feel I am only marking time now and `hanging on` to not upset my elderly mum. Outside of her I have no real friends now,no family,and no hope of any of either. The future is a scary,empty place now where I just go through the motions and `try` so as to make other people feel less uncomfortable.

I think hope going might have been the hardest thing of all,I've always had that in the past,even when there seemed very little rational reason to.

Try and hang onto the fact your children love you and that no-one could love them more than their mum who is willing to stick out her own misery just for them. That kind of love is irreplaceable,and so would you be to them. Tc of yourself

[girlinterrupted]

I don't want to be here without my friend and I don't know how to make myself want to. Or be able to.

[girlinterrupted]

^ yeah in the life effed up stakes I think I've done brilliantly. I hope today was a better one for you,even slightly.

Ty for the sympathy...not sure I deserve it,I have lost a lot of people before from grandparents,a parent,family friends,`honourary family`...this though,worst of the lot,no disrespect to the others. Not sure what is going on tbh.

[alpha]

What kind of a world... makes me wish so much I was dead because it would be so much easier than this (Don't worry, I don't have the guts to kill myself. Sadly.)

What kind of a world leaves so many of us feeling isolated, chronically lonely. And staring at screens for most of our ****ing lives regardless?

What kind of a world kicks us whilst we're down? And kicks us again every time we try to get up.

Sorry for this incoherent rant but I really have had enough right now.

[Dougella]

^ The thing is that we need caring people like you in the world

[alpha]

Originally Posted by Dougella

^ The thing is that we need caring people like you in the world

Thank you, it sadly doesn't feel like that right now, it feels like the opposite. I just don't know what to say or think right now. All I want is to stop feeling so lonely and empty. At the same time it feels like I can't find a solution to that anywhere or with anyone. But thanks for showing concern, I honestly appreciate it.

[Mountainstream]

Originally Posted by alpha

Thank you, it sadly doesn't feel like that right now, it feels like the opposite. I just don't know what to say or think right now. All I want is to stop feeling so lonely and empty. At the same time it feels like I can't find a solution to that anywhere or with anyone. But thanks for showing concern, I honestly appreciate it.

@Mountainstream, I don't feel better because you feel bad, I just wish you didn't feel that way either.

Thanks, I just meant that I'm useless at expressing myself.

[alpha]

Originally Posted by Mountainstream

Thanks, I just meant that I'm useless at expressing myself.

OK so there was another post then, strange! Sorry, I meant what I said before I edited it out.

[Mountainstream]

Originally Posted by alpha

OK so there was another post then, strange! Sorry, I meant what I said before I edited it out.

Sorry, I posted in this thread earlier and nobody replied. So then I posted again but deleted my post. I appreciate your reply. I hope things get better for you x

[john smith]

Originally Posted by Nanuq

I wouldn't attempt suicide, because I have children and I know it would affect them, even though I think I have a negative impact on their lives.
If I died and my husband remarried someone normal, they would have a much better life than with me uselessly hanging around.

I wouldn't kill myself but more and more I am thinking about it because I don't see any change in the future. I am so lonely and useless, with no friends at all. I am physically weak and often a burden if I can't do much.

My life's a framework where I have a role to play, but haven't got the ability to do the role and whoever I am, or was outside of that role doesn't exist. So I am clinging on to not hurt my babies, but have also given up on myself.

How old are your children Nanuq?

Can you not discuss how you feel with your husband?

Any meets here on SAUK forum on here near near you that you can go to?

[limey123]

Originally Posted by Nanuq

.

I don't talk to my husband much about it...I don't want to burden him really with my hopelessness.

Surely that's (partly) what he's there for? If he doesn't understand, who will?

Hope you feel better very soon

[girlinterrupted]

I'm glad you're feeling a bit calmer Nanuq

[Mountainstream]

Originally Posted by alpha

What kind of a world... makes me wish so much I was dead because it would be so much easier than this (Don't worry, I don't have the guts to kill myself. Sadly.)

What kind of a world leaves so many of us feeling isolated, chronically lonely. And staring at screens for most of our ****ing lives regardless?

What kind of a world kicks us whilst we're down? And kicks us again every time we try to get up.

Sorry for this incoherent rant but I really have had enough right now.

I know I am not any help but I really hope things get better for you, I have particularly experienced the..

''What kind of a world kicks us whilst we're down? And kicks us again every time we try to get up.''

I am one of ''those over sensitive people'' who are hurt by cold insensitive words. Particularly when intentional... And I feel that you are perhaps one of the few on the planet who maybe can relate to some extent. Not in being ''over sensitive'' but in having compassion and some understanding for others.

I have experienced one of the most severe depressions of my life with suicidal ideation for longer than I care to say. The past week or so has been one of the worst for a while also. But today I feel less.. despair (for want of another word).. and you and a few others here have helped me with your kind words. Also your opening up here has helped me to do so (despite being so terrible with words and having been repeatedly told that or ignored, not here) I have always been ''excessively shy'' (labelled by many and programmed to feel guilt for any ''negative'' feelings especially if not stuffed....) so I will be sorely tempted to delete this. But I will leave it here.

kind regards

[Mountainstream]

Originally Posted by Nanuq

^ I suppose that's why I feel so alone in life. To be honest if I am not feeling very good and try to talk about it it usually ends in an argument, generally I am quite optimistic and cheerful. If I am very low or quiet it has a negative affect on my husband and he gets frustrated I think.

Not everyone understands living with social anxiety If you don't suffer from it then it's probably hard to imagine just how emotionally devastating it can be to know that you have never lived a life that you've chosen. It's hard to explain to someone who just does things they want without worrying about it.

I've tried to explain some of this and have not succeeded. It's very hard for those who have not experienced it to understand.

[gregarious_introvert]

Nobody who hasn't experienced real depression (as in, the illness which creeps up on you when you least expect it, not feeling down as a reaction to something which has happened) can understand it, no matter how much they may try. The term "depressed" is over-used these days by people who are describing a temporary state with an indentifiable cause. The problem with depression is not that it makes feel sad, but it makes us numb, hopeless, lacking in energy, feeling like we are viewing life through a fog - it takes away everything positive and leaves us empty.

When you add disorderly levels of anxiety to that (something else misunderstood because everyone has anxiety, but not necessarily to levels which exert control over leading a normal life - so when we say that we suffer with anxiety, others only relate to their own levels of it) then there is a toxic combination whereby, even if we had the energy and will to find our way out of depression, we have a fear of doing the things we need to do in order to get there.

Nanuq, alpha & mountainstream - and anyone else who finds themselves in a seemingly hopeless situation, all I can ask is that you remember that it's never hopeless, that eventually - though it may take a long time - the fog will begin to lift and when you see that first chink of light at.the end of the tunnel, hold on to it and make it brighter. In the meantime, try to remember when things have been better - a time when a friend made you laugh, when someone gave you a hug which made you feel warm inside, when you felt the sun on your face, did something creative... whatever it might be, hang on to it as a reminder that times can better and will be again.

Sent from my SM-J330FN using Tapatalk

[Bluebear]

Originally Posted by gregarious_introvert

Nobody who hasn't experienced real depression (as in, the illness which creeps up on you when you least expect it, not feeling down as a reaction to something which has happened) can understand it, no matter how much they may try. The term "depressed" is over-used these days by people who are describing a temporary state with an indentifiable cause. The problem with depression is not that it makes feel sad, but it makes us numb, hopeless, lacking in energy, feeling like we are viewing life through a fog - it takes away everything positive and leaves us empty.

When you add disorderly levels of anxiety to that (something else misunderstood because everyone has anxiety, but not necessarily to levels which exert control over leading a normal life - so when we say that we suffer with anxiety, others only relate to their own levels of it) then there is a toxic combination whereby, even if we had the energy and will to find our way out of depression, we have a fear of doing the things we need to do in order to get there.

Nanuq, alpha & mountainstream - and anyone else who finds themselves in a seemingly hopeless situation, all I can ask is that you remember that it's never hopeless, that eventually - though it may take a long time - the fog will begin to lift and when you see that first chink of light at.the end of the tunnel, hold on to it and make it brighter. In the meantime, try to remember when things have been better - a time when a friend made you laugh, when someone gave you a hug which made you feel warm inside, when you felt the sun on your face, did something creative... whatever it might be, hang on to it as a reminder that times can better and will be again.

Sent from my SM-J330FN using Tapatalk

Good post. I usually try to avoid this thread (not because I can't relate )
(I think I probably have posted and deleted a few times...and maybe replied to a few people)

Kind thoughts to all