Another day, another communication failure

[Lone Dog]

Another horrendous disaster in social miscommunication.

I went to the shop and when paying for my stuff at the checkout the woman serving me chatted a little bit. As ever, with panic, anxiety and a million other thoughts and feelings running around in my brain there's no mental bandwidth to do things like hear what other people are saying and respond to it.

I misunderstood what she was saying/asking and responded with a few non-commiittal semi-comprensible pieces of gibberish. She said something else, and again I misunderstood and replied with some passive-aggressive piece of mysterious nonsense. I was angry at myself really, it would have been different if I wasn't in a queue with other people listening, if there weren't people using the self-service tills nearby... if I was someone else entirely!

It's so easy for some: think of something to say and say it. For me, it's try to understand what they've said, scrape the barrels of your brain to come up with something to say and then try to find the words to say it, and get them in the right order. Then say it. Unfortunately you don't have that long, just a couple of seconds and then the moment has passed.

As usual, the ****ed and broken communications interface has let me down. No-one would possibly understand this. Although, some of you might.

EDIT: I was chatting to the neighbour a little while before this, and was doing pretty well. But it was just the two of us in the street. You see what kind of difference being with strangers, under stress and with others listening makes.

[Dougella]

I always find this troublesome. Trying to get your shopping into bags whilst listening to what someone is talking about and respond appropriately is too much at once! I don't know how people do it.

The reality is probably no-one at the self-service tills was taking any notice of your conversation and people in the queue were probably thinking about their own stuff.

[Lone Dog]

^ When there's too much going on, especially in your brain, it is like multi-tasking. Too much going on. Listening to the woman, thinking about what to say, thinking about anxiety, thinking about this that and the other, and also you have to pack your bag. I probably packed it on auto pilot without any thought going into it. Hopefully I didn't leave anything behind!

[Jen.]

The good thing is, this negative experience only really exists in your mind and nowhere else. Even if it did register with the cashier or people in the queue at the time as being awkward/embarrassing, the chances of anyone dwelling on it after it was over is very, very low so it probably doesn't exist as a memory in their mind, or it won't for much longer if it currently does. I know that trying to forget about it for this reason is far easier said than done (I still find myself cringing over things like this that happened a decade or more ago, for example) it's still worth trying to keep in mind that situations like this don't register much to other people.

I get what you mean about the addition of strangers. For some reason it can make even the easiest of social tasks unbearable if it feels like people are listening.

[Lone Dog]

^ I did chat briefly to her after the awkward bit, and she replied, so I think the event was concluded on an amicable level. She would have picked up on the awkwardness, but not on any unpleasantness, which I felt mainly about my own poor social performance rather than being anything actually expressed towards her. As you say, the bulk of this was in my mind and nowhere else. As usual!

[Azalea]

I get this a lot too, sometimes I will try to say something and something completely different comes out of my mouth, usually making no sense at all. That makes me even more anxious and I start fumbling and dropping things.

[Chess&Junkfood]

I wouldn't be so hard on yourself Lone Dog. No one can be like William Shakespeare everyday. Although I'm not sure if that example is the best one:

Tesco store:

Checkout employee:

Would you like any help with your packing?

Me:

By the pricking of my thumbs, Something wicked this way comes. Open, locks, Whoever knocks! Oh and can I have a bag for life please?


So that's probably not the best example.....

But lately I usually go with the neutral approach when it comes to checkout conversations. And by that, I mean I try my best to be polite, courteous and move like the wind when it comes to leaving a store. Not because I don't want to improve my conversational skills, but it's just that some days can be a challenge to get through at times. So when it comes to checkout conversations, it's just easier to go with the mirrored themed conversation. But of course you also need to be mindful of doing that as well. Otherwise, it's easy to get complacent:

Morrisons Store:

Checkout employee:

Are you having a good day?

Me:

Not too bad, thank you. How about you?

Checkout employee:

The same. Although I have another 6hrs before I finish my shift.

Me:

Well hopefully it will go quickly for you.

Checkout employee:

I think I'm having chest pains!!!

Me: Yes, me too. Oh and can I have a bag for life please?

Anyway, I'm sorry I can't offer you any better advice on this. Other than saying that I can relate to what you are saying. And again, I wouldn't be so hard on yourself.

[alpha]

It matters less than you think it does. I don't mean how much it matters to you because it clearly matters a lot. But to the other people involved. The checkout assistant probably thought nothing of it, other than maybe they could possibly have noticed you were nervous. But in any case their attention would have switched to the next customer pretty quickly and pretty quickly I suspect they'd have more or less forgotten about it. The other people in the queue were unlikely to be focussing on you. Even if they were their thoughts and experiences would probably resemble the checkout assistant's.

The truth is that anybody who places enough pressure on themselves to socially perform will slip up. The people who handle those situations with ease are the very ones it matters to the least. They may even slip up, not care and carry on with the conversation.

I can relate to the thoughts and feelings you describe, I've experienced them myself on innumerous occasions. And also not being able to hear/comprehend what somebody is saying because I'm too inwardly focused on my anxiety. But these days I try to remind myself of how little it matters to the other people involved. And that so what if I slip up or mishear something? Everyone does from time to time anyway. And that does help.

I just want to emphasise again that I'm not downplaying how important it is to you that you get it "right", I know the feeling well.

[Marco]

I can totally relate to the OP. I've been there so often myself with exactly the same thoughts and feelings, but I agree with alpha and the others. It's down to extreme self-consciousness and the pressure we put on ourselves that builds and builds and becomes totally out of proportion to the situation. It's crazy when no one else present really gives a sh!t.

[Aelwyn]

I too can relate to your experience, I've sometimes stammered over my words at the checkout. But I think you're making things worse by your harsh judgment of yourself ("a horrendous disaster"), much harsher I'm sure than that of the checkout person. If she noticed anything at all, she may have thought you were a bit shy, which doesn't disgust and horrify most people!

[Lone Dog]

I often wonder if I have some element of mild autism; it seems to be clutching at straws to pin the social dysfunction on SA and related stress. People are very good at talking, and having facts, opinions and points to make and I'm not like that. My mind doesn't go blank, it just seems that way to start with, so I do not engage in conversations, unless with people I know. Even then, I can only go so far.

I was suddenly put on the spot when the checkout woman talked to me, and I couldn't respond as I didn't have anything to say. Also, it didn't help that I misunderstood what she said. Normally at checkouts I say 'Hello' and they don't reply, so it was a shock that she talked.

[Lone Dog]

^ I think if either of the chats had gone badly I would have felt frustrated and worthless. SA drags you down very easily.

Thanks.

It's good to see these replies and consider other viewpoints.

[GhostOnMagneticTape]

I struggle in situations similar to this one, it could be a symptom of my ADHD, I can't multitask and speak at the same time especially with the added layer of anxiety.

I always try and use self check outs when possible, alas today I was directed to a check out attendant, and she was speaking to me with a mask on, I'm not sure what she said (probably would I like any help with packing) and I just nodded my head and smiled (behind my mask hehe), then I frantically packed my bags, paid and left quickly.

Wearing masks makes the whole verbal and non-verbal communication more challenging at times.

[quietguy]

Another instance similar to this in a scenario where you are forced to talk to someone for a period of time (no matter how cool or nice they are) is getting a hair cut, it can be fine when you feel like you have got just enough to say to pass the time relatively uncomfortably (sometimes it can be fine) but I had to go the other day (long overdue actually) and, due to not really doing much at the moment other than working from home, I didn't really have a whole lot to say so just ended up talking about work, and there's only really so long you drag that out for. Oh the pain it was horrendous