Do you consider yourself attractive & sexually desirable to the opposite sex?

[The Pearl Fisher]

Here's another one of my legendary mistakes (I've made lots of them!)

One of the first girls I ever asked out as a young teenager turned me down in a really horrible and abusive way, and called me really hurtful names. I spent years after that assuming that, because of what that person had said, I was therefore ugly and totally unattractive to all members of the opposite sex. I think that incident was a major contributor to my SA problems.

What an idiot I was.

Why? Because attractiveness is such a subjective thing; it's not a physical trait that we either have or don't have. To some girls, yes, I will be totally unattractive. But to others, particularly the ones who are like myself, I might seem downright desirable.

I don't think there is such a thing as being attractive or unattractive to everyone of 'the opposite sex', because we are all so individual in our tastes.

Take care.

[Fluppy]

i have swagger -walks like a penguin-

[Ajax Amsterdam]

Originally Posted by GoldFish

people who were blessed with good looks have it so lucky that its not even funny. i mean its just a big advantage to have, you can hide your worries easier, people will gravitate to you more in an approachable way. you'll have more attention. more of an advantage in a job interview. favourable in many ways. good looking people are usually happier and have swagger because they know that their looks give them swagger.

I think that can work both ways too. Of course, people generally considered to be good looking can have an advantage. The Halo Effect kicks in there, where people attribute other positive qualities to the person without evidence to back it up simply on the strength of their rather agreeable visual appearance.

But, lots of people are intimidated by good looks and see good looking people as less approachable. So looks can work against a person as well as in favour of them.

I disagree that good looking people are generally happier. Working in counselling I see first hand just how many people that are generally perceived as good looking are actually also very troubled and miserable. Not because of their looks particularly, but because life issues and the problems of being human are no respector of how you look. They can hit anyone and everyone. I don't think good looks make it any easier to hide your inner feelings either. The ability to mask inner feelings is not really a looks dependent thing.

Also, plenty of people considered good looking don't actually see themselves as good looking. I've come across some stunning females and handsome males who consider themselves pug-ugly. So even if others see them as good looking, they don't see themselves the same way, so don't act with any real sense of confidence.

I do agree that good looks can be an advantage in plenty of instances, but I don't think it's a cut and dried thing really. It's a bit more complex and can be a double-edged sword.

Mind you. If there was a ''good looking pill'' that I could take, I'd be taking it. Every little helps, as they say at Tesco.


PS - Good post there, The Pearl Fisher.

[diplodocus]

Originally Posted by GoldFish

people who were blessed with good looks have it so lucky that its not even funny. i mean its just a big advantage to have, you can hide your worries easier, people will gravitate to you more in an approachable way. you'll have more attention. more of an advantage in a job interview. favourable in many ways. good looking people are usually happier and have swagger because they know that their looks give them swagger.

But on the other hand if you have SA or even just low confidence and are good looking then you'll get people approaching you but you won't be able to talk with them and they will assume you are arrogant and stand offish because you must be confident so if you aren't talking to them it must be because you think you're better than them. After all you are good looking and everybody knows that all good looking people are confident.

[Ajax Amsterdam]

Originally Posted by nineofswords

yea! its just another misconception that all attractive or beautiful people must be snobs if they don't want to talk to others.
I don't know how or why we (as a society) build these notions that people must be a certain way because of how they look but I often wonder if advertising and the glorification of beauty by the media has anything to do with it.

I think it has much to do with it.

I find it quite telling that the people we generally tend to see as unattainable in life are not seen as unattainable because they are quality human beings with a good heart and with good intelligence. They tend instead to be the ones who look good and/or have material wealth. I feel the glorification of beauty and material wealth by the media drives this outlook.

The Halo Effect also contributes in that when people 'look the part' society also automatically attributes them with good personal qualities and sees them as successful even if they don't actually warrant that assumption.

The Reverse Halo plays a part in the other direction too. Where people not considered attactive are often automatically assumed not to be successful either. Even though they, in fact, may well be very successful indeed.

People will always make assumptions based on the values of the age they live in. Our society seems to value looks and money over true personal qualities and achievements. So 'the beautiful ones' will tend to be looked up to and seen as unattainable, even if they do not actually warrant such adoration.

[StarMemory]

Nope, I'm just 'cute' =/

[ghost.of.an.englishman]

And no, apparently I'm a 6/10.

[AnathemA]

^ If the average is 5/10, that's not bad. Positive thinking!

[Toxic]

idd, id take a 6/10

i give myself a 3 on good days! , i darent ask other people i dont need them to confirm it

[alex82]

yes. and the small percentage of the population who don't find me attractive are either blind, stupid, or both

[Toxic]

yeah dont break it down you get depressed

also although i said apparently ive got a good personality (what others have said not me..) ive never really understood that as im a moody miserable bastard who cant talk to women and stares at the floor anyway so thats probably not winning me any favours..i dont think ive ever had a compliment about my looks apart from the odd slag at my old work place saying they would "do me" ..but that doesnt really fill me with confidence when they would do anything with a pulse

but whatever..im amused drinking vodka and playing strange japanese games

[Rich Notts]

People like cute pikachu, and someone actually rated you moving lines

Me nope in in the slightest although if I had a better personality it wouldn't be so much of a problem but that sucks too

[goth_jester22]

hmm not realy sure. guess i look ok but since i dont realy go out and i have a phobia of women (i just cant even say one word to them) guess i will never know for sure

[Paper_Samurai]

I actually have no idea; I have an unusual look thanks to my mash-up of different ethncities lol, and I also look really young. Sometimes, I get looks in public but I'm not sure what this is about - maybe people thinking I'm way to young to be doing what ever it is I'm doing. (drinking/driving/uni)

There have been some occasions though where I've been approached - so possibly some like it. However it tends to be by really headstrong and almost sexually aggressive women () which translates to them being overly flirty, loads of eye contact and physical touching (touching my arm etc.) needless to say, on the occasions when this has happened I'm panicking like a mofo inside and I just try and excuse myself from the situation - which doesn't go down well.* I have a problem interacting with strangers in general and this obviously is just way to much for me.

*Can't believe I've just admitted this on a public forum, I can't think of any other place (internet or rl) where I wouldn't be ridiculed for this.

[Biggie14]

It depends what day of the week it is

But even if I had total confidence in my appearance, it wouldn't matter, because I am literally unable to engage in any sort of sexual intimacy with women.

[Johnny Rook]

I don't think I'm hideous and for my age (48) I look younger, but I don't reckon I turn women's heads. Having said that, my ex-gf who was 12 yrs younger than me thought I was the bees do-dahs and was terrified a 'younger' and 'prettier' woman would steal me away from her and no amount of explaining that I thought she was the prettiest woman I had ever seen (true) would convince her.

[HardRockGlamour]

I started writing a really negative reply in which I called myself a mixture of Eeyore's sister, a deformed duck and a plain, unnoticed wallflower. But I realised it's just too self-defeating so, instead, I'll say... I never, ever, ever believe that a guy finds me GENUINELY attractive, I tend to believe I am more the second, third, or last choice... But... hmmm I'm trying to think of something positive!... Although I hate my face I think I have a nice figure. It looks nice, small-ish but still shapely, well except for days when I'm in shops and stand in front of a full-length mirror and notice what a fat chubby donkey I am...

Oh this isn't working is it.

At least I have a spectacular personality!!!!!!

[Eraserhead]

I suppose the question relates to a person's personality as well as their appearance. I would say that physically I am passable. Not repulsive, maybe average. The trouble is my personality or lack of it. I expect to most people it would seem that I simply don't have one. I just can't bring myself to communicate with most people in the way that I would like. How can you be attractive if you don't speak?

[schneebeli]

^ I was going to write almost the same. Worse than a lack of personality is that when I do speak people realise very quickly what a disfigured, developmentally-******** personality I have. A girl walked up to me in a bar once and started talking. Before I'd finished replying to her, she'd turned on her heel and walked away.

[schneebeli]

Originally Posted by PaloAlto

How rude! I know it's a bar and all, but still.

Yes, it was a shock..

[The Lone Stranger]

No I`m not the slightest bit attractive and sexually desirable to the opposite sex. No girlfriends ever proves that.

[sammmy]

I don't wish to sound conceited, but I've been told i'm attractive before, and I do get a lot of male attention, so I guess I must be to some people.
I don't see it though, and I don't feel that I deserve it. When I do get attention I don't like it and feel that I must have some how brought it on myself with how I was dressing, or wearing too much make up or something. If I am out and I attract attention I analyse myself awfully, like "Is it this skirt? Is it because I am wearing heavy eye make up?" and then for a while i'll plain jane it up. Which I don't like to do, I like to dye my hair and wear platform shoes and things, but if I am getting too much male attention I will wash out my hair colour and put on a baggy sweater for a bit.

Being hit on somewhat causes me to resent people. I can hardly interact especially in situations like this, and yet they persevere. Despite my lack of personality or anything interesting to say. I end up thinking "you shallow ****" and hating them for that.

[Looking]

Indeed rude, but you wouldnt want to even be in the company of people like that. Stay positive. I'm coming around to the thinging that when I am positive, I meet nice people and good things happen. Staying positive also means we shouldnt worry about wether we are attractive to the opposite sex. We must try and feel good about ourselves before we can tackle the posted question!

[schneebeli]

Originally Posted by PaloAlto

Made me feel a little sad reading that, people can be so nasty. She's sounds like she could do with working on her personality, big time!

Thanks, yes it did seem unnecessarily spiteful, so I guess it was for the best. The way she virtually recoiled in horror was what stung; I'm a firm believer that all self-knowledge is good (even though many successful ppl seem to posess a healthy dollop of self-delusion), it's just the learning process can be painful sometimes

[Tom123]

Originally Posted by Looking

I'm coming around to the thinging that when I am positive, I meet nice people and good things happen. Staying positive also means we shouldnt worry about wether we are attractive to the opposite sex. We must try and feel good about ourselves before we can tackle the posted question!

Good post. I think it's important that people don't see a relationship as being a way to solve everything. It's not and being horribly insecure and desperate is hardly the way to get the girl.

[diplodocus]

Originally Posted by CaveGirl

I don't think it's fair how some label such men as lacking enough confidence to seek out slim women as it's akin to claiming any woman who isn't slim is the booby prize , an idea that seems to be based on very narrow and modern western viewpoints on body shape.

Another important factor is that there is simply less competition for larger women in most western cultures. If a guy likes larger women anyway that's great for him obviously.

I guess what some people might assume (rightly or wrongly) is that he's not with her because of a preference for her body shape but because he doesn't have the ability to find a more desirable mate (in his eyes). As you say that's not always fair but sometimes it is.

And there might be some individuals who despite having a preference toward larger women are too worried about being looked down upon by society in general if they choose to pursue them. And that is a real shame.

[AxelFendersson]

Originally Posted by schneebeli

Worse than a lack of personality is that when I do speak people realise very quickly what a disfigured, developmentally-******** personality I have. A girl walked up to me in a bar once and started talking. Before I'd finished replying to her, she'd turned on her heel and walked away.

For what it's worth, you didn't seem to have a particularly disfigured or developmentally-******** personality when I met you back in February.

[schneebeli]

Thanks gents, yes the nervousness probably was a major factor so I should keep that in perspective really. Looking's philosophy on positivity makes good sense, too

[vjplum]

I've never really found out. I think I'd be more so if I worked towards looking good.

[Szarlej]

I always found it difficult to accept how i look and when was younger I would avoid looking at mirrors at all costs. Everytime i had to i would be looking for things that make unattractive or ugly. Hence my problems with opposite sex would make me cry out of shame when girls looked at me let alone speak to me.

Nowdays I try to take more care of myself and learn to love the person that i am but deep inside i still feel like this little insecure kid that is being laught at or ignored. I crave for more intimate, emotional contact, a soul mate, but i do not think i would find it in me to break that shell that i have build around me.

I still hate myself on any camera picture though. I find myself extremely unphotogenic
and prefer to hide behind camera and record the world myself.