Stuck in a ten year rut

[HighlandCowboy]

Where do I begin?
I find it hard to express myself, especially since I have talked about my situation on other forums before and have been totally ignored. However, this forum looks different.

All throughout my life I have found it hard to socialise with people (especially to women) due to an incredible anxiety. I am now in my mid thirties having never been in a relationship, have barely held a job and I have no friends. I wish my problems ended there but they did not. I had lived in Scotland all my life until about ten years ago when the bankruptcy of my father forced our family out of the home we had been living in for over twenty years. This ultimately led us to sadly leave Britain and move to another country where we had family. At the time, I only had a job in the local supermarket and it would have not been enough to support me living on my own, (or so I believed at the time). I never wished to leave the UK and each day away from my home country has been a nightmare. Since then, I have received no help from the country I currently reside and have failed to find a job here due to many reasons, (including language). Now, my parents and family have little means to support me if I was to return back to the UK and with only a school leavers education, I have little chance of returning home without help. There is no-one back in Britain whom I can contact and after being effectively stranded in another country for so long, I am beginning to loose hope with each passing year.

As you can imagine I am almost always depressed and simply put, I don't see a way out of this situation. I regularly contact charities and other such places but know one replies or wants to know...

[Rianne]

Not sure quite what to say, BUT, I'm hopeful of you finding some support on here. It's horrid when you feel alone and trapped. When we get depressed it is very hard to see any positives in our current situation and even harder to take any sort of action ourselves in order to improve things. Have you thought about taking any courses in order to study the language? I get the impression that English is not widely spoken where you are? It may be that this is not an option for a variety of reasons- just trying to come up with something!

[Aelwyn]

It's difficult to offer advice without knowing more about your circumstances, but I agree with Nervous that learning the language of the country you're living in does sound like a good move. Even if you can't afford to take a formal language course there will be other things you could do - maybe offer to teach English in exchange for lessons - get teach-yourself books, look for online courses, ask for help at libraries etc. With better language skills you could aim to get a job - you say you worked before at a supermarket, so surely that's not impossible? Then you could save with a view to returning to the UK.

I think it does help to think of things a step at a time like that.

[HighlandCowboy]

Thank you for the replies. Unfortunately, when I attempted to integrate, I was bullied by the job centre staff over here. Already suffering from social anxiety, this completely put me off any further integration. A complaint was made but it got nowhere.

However, one idea I have given serious thought is to apply for a collage/ university course back in Scotland. Since I am Scottish, I should be entitled to free higher education although I realise there would still be many complications and other costs. The greatest obstacle would be the fact that I would have to go back to the UK alone and most likely live on a campus. I have rarely had to fend for myself and it would be a great struggle (and perhaps shock) but at the moment it appears to be my most realistic way back home.

[Hayman]

Hi and welcome to the forms, @HighlandCowboy. I can relate to what you say. I'm 32 and have never even been able to have a date, yet alone a relationship. I feel let down and utterly humiliated. I also only have one friend which to be honest the friendship can at best be described as tenuous. He used to be my best friend in school and until 18 months ago, we went a whole ten years with no face to face communication with one another. Other than him, I have no other friends and haven't since I was about 17 or 18 years old. Life very quickly progressed for them (as it does for most people) and left me behind.

I really do genuinely understand the gut-wrenching thoughts and feelings you must be having. Sadly, men's issues of this nature are always swept under the carpet. No one understands as few find themselves completely left behind (although this number is growing…) and no one is willing to care or accept the very real problems we face.

Social Anxiety, in my opinion, remains a condition that's very much misunderstood both by regular people and medical professionals alike (regular people…but dressed in white coats who might have read a textbook or two about the subject, rather than knowing how it feels to live with). People assume you can flick the condition on and off like a light switch to suit any given situation – which categorically is untrue. A lot of people assume it's all our fault that we have this condition and don't want to understand that if we're treated poorly by others, ignored by them, joked about, insulted e.t.c when we make an effort to fight it – that all this are major contributory factors. I do strongly believe it's something we cannot solely deal with alone and it does take external help and understanding to also improve matters.

If it comes as any consolation, you certainly aren't alone out there. There's plenty of other people in exactly the same boat. The only difference is that we have the guts to actually speak out about our issues, here… In the real world, we're either ignored or chastised the moment we try and explain some of the real injustices we face… You might not find all the solutions to your problems here, but you'll certainly find people willing to offer a sympathetic ear, words of respect and the opportunity to discuss these issues with people who may have had similar situations. A chance to 'compare notes' as such…

I wish you all the best.

[HighlandCowboy]

Thank you for sharing this, it gives me some strength to know that I'm not alone. For a long time I believed that I was the only person with this problem and it's true that not enough is being done for people in our situation. I see help offered to others with genuine problems but people like us are expected to ***8220;soldier on***8221;.

Because of the general lack of understanding from others I have received both on and offline, I hesitate whenever I attempt to explain my situation. It's utterly humiliating when you get no response online and yet, see over one hundred views. Most times I have to keep my feelings bottled up, even to my parents and older brother. They can't deal with it and although sympathetic, they don't truly understand what it's like.

I'm glad to have found this place and be given the opportunity so express myself without fear of ridicule, thanks again and I also wish you all the best.

[Mr. Nobody]

Originally Posted by HighlandCowboy

Because of the general lack of understanding from others I have received both on and offline. It's utterly humiliating when you get no response online and yet, see over one hundred views.

most of that is net-bots,..

this is a social anxiety site, so it's fair to say most people are in the same boat, and yes, you have come to the right place. - welcome