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  #1  
Old 3rd January 2004, 17:12
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Hello (Emote: shake)

I guess with another sad and lonely year beginning, I cant help but think about such things. I'm a 30 year old female and have never had a relationship, I must be really ugly cause it dosent happen to females. Anyway I guess I just wanted to know how others handle it, How to cope with the loneliness and emptiness?(Emote: confusedpurple) I cant help but notice in life how when you get older having a partner is the most important then any relationship. I guess I just want to hear that I'm not the only one ant the loneliness will be bearable in time.
  #2  
Old 4th January 2004, 00:10
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If it is any comfort I am a guy aged 36 who has never had a relationship, just lots of lonely weekends sat in front of the telly, reading a book or (more recently) on the Internet.

I would guess it happens to females too but it is hardly something you advertise, is it? I guess over time I have come to accept I will never have a relationship, any normal person would things there is something seriously wrong with someone who has never had a relationship by my age, and so I suppose there is. The way I cope is by avoiding situations where I see couples being affectionate, while I would not wish anyone else to be unhappy when I see them kissing I feel so lonely I could cry. So I avoid cinemas, parks, and most places on Saturday nights.

So in short you are not alone, I am sure there are plenty of others. I guess the only way I can describe it as bearable is because I do not have any other choice than to bear it (except suicide which I would not do). Not sure how hearing that would make you feel any better but I hope it did (Emote: smileyellow)

Anyone else care to admit anonymously they are in the same boat?
  #3  
Old 4th January 2004, 01:50
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Default Re: 30 or over and never had a relationship

I have had 2 relationships, but none in 12 years. I'm basically happy with that..as those 2 relationships caused me more problems anxiety wise than anything else. I never had any fun. Just nervous all the time.
  #4  
Old 4th January 2004, 07:22
Nat
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Default Re: 30 or over and never had a relationship

screw relationships
  #5  
Old 4th January 2004, 10:42
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Quote:
Quote: me_neither
Anyone else care to admit anonymously they are in the same boat?

Absolutely!!!!! Me too.

Although its only a small crumb of comfort, yes i'm willing to bet there are quite a few of us here or out there.

Still, you deal with it the best way you can and get on with things i suppose. Its far from easy though (Emote: shake)

  #6  
Old 4th January 2004, 11:03
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Hi

Is this the over 30's singles club?........no (Emote: confusedpurple)

Thought I would reply to show your not alone, its hard coping with the loneliness, even though I've never had a relationship, I still feel it will happen one day.

I think you just have to keep putting yourself in situations where you will meet other people. Keep telling yourself that there are many single people out there of all ages.
  #7  
Old 4th January 2004, 18:27
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I'm now 40 and haven't had a "proper" relationship as such, amazingly considering the state of me!(Emote: reallylaughing) I have had a couple of women who were quite interested in me several years ago, but I pushed them away as my s.a. was so bad I dreaded the thought of meeting their families etc. (never told anyone about my s.a. at that time) I have had several boozy one night stands, and one affair with a married woman, (who was the first person who I told about my s.a. and was really supportive). I think what my big problem is now, is not the s.a. (because I now tell most close friends) but that I'm really what I would describe as "emotionally fragile" and i'm extremely wary of women and untrusting, as I know,any sort of rejection of me once I got involved would have a devastating effect on my mental health.
  #8  
Old 7th January 2004, 23:20
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Default Re: 30 or over and never had a relationship

You're not the only one. I was over 30 before I had any sort of a relationship. Before that I just pushed people away if they even tried to get close. For me, it was when I started to gain some self esteem and started working on my SA that I accidently found a relationship. Now I've had two relationships (both ended) and I know it's possible. In other words, hang in there (Emote: smile).
Anne
  #9  
Old 11th January 2004, 19:45
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I'm another in the 30's club who has not had a relationship, actually I'm in my mid 30's now and to be honest have given up any hope.
  #10  
Old 12th January 2004, 22:24
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I'm another member (female, 37) of this club, more or less, having had only one relationship in my life. The one relationship I had made me feel so inadequate, sexually and otherwise, I don't think I could handle even trying it again. At least those who have never had a relationship have some hope - I have none.
  #11  
Old 16th January 2004, 13:38
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I am over 40 .Had quite bad SA .Typically I thought I was unattractive and probably never have a relationship . I did manage one "proper" relationship around 30 but nothing after that . Around 50 I proved that it was ONLY SA that was the problem . I got good therapy and managed to lower my SA to the point that I now have relationships at the "normal" average rate ie about two a year.I only wish I had got therapy 30 years ago.

The point is it is almost 99% certain that it is the SA only which stops you having a relationship . Forget those delusions about your horrible character or looks.

Sorry this is anonomous but it is 100% genuine.
  #12  
Old 16th January 2004, 15:33
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After reading this it seems logical that the people who replied to this post could make ideal partners for each other.
I am in the first few months of my first relationship ( 35 year old ).My partner is also a sufferer of SA,which is how we met.It feels so good to know you can talk honestly about a problem not many people understand.You are ideally suited to helping each other through bad times and you can be fairly certain that the other person won't use you as a doormat.

I think if you promise to be truthful with each other it can be wonderful for you both and at the very least you could get a good friend out of it.

Give it a go,it worked for me and does wonders for your self esteem.(Emote: beerchug)
  #13  
Old 17th January 2004, 20:01
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Default Re: 30 or over and never had a relationship

wondering if I sort of qualify for this....at age 15 I had a rel which lasted a year. Since that time my longest rel has been two months. maybe I don't qualify....but theres summat a bit weird about being 27 and not having had a rel last longer than 2months methinks.
  #14  
Old 28th January 2004, 11:35
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Default Re: 30 or over and never had a relationship

I’ve only had the one relationship. It was the happiest time of my life.

Now I'm alone again and every day feels empty and meaningless.

I went for a walk in the snow this morning – it was lovely looking at the picturesque scenery and hearing the crunch of fresh snow under my feet.

When I arrived back home I felt so alone.

There was nobody to share my walk in the snow with, nobody to share my memories with, and nobody to share my life with – there was only me and another dreary day of quiet desperation.

I know I'm not alone in being alone, but it's not much of a consolation... (Emote: frown)
[1 edits; Last edit by a_nobody at 12:15:15 Wed Jan 28 2004]
  #15  
Old 28th January 2004, 13:44
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I think it isn't just SA we are talking about here, more like what is called "love-shyness" - it's encouraging that a couple of people here began relationships after 30, because the prevailing opinion seems to be if you don't have a relationship by 30 there's something so wrong with you that you never will (Emote: sad)

From
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love-shyness

Love-shyness
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

"Love-shyness is a form of chronic, severe shyness of men or women who have never been able to form sexual or emotionally intimate loving relationships with others, but who have been constrained to remain that way because of severe shyness in informal social situations involving possible sexual partners. It is believed to be the result of a genetic-biologically rooted temperament, and of learning experiences with peers and family.

Love-shyness can be found among people of all ages and of both sexes. However, research evidence indicates that the problem impacts far more severely upon males than it does upon females. Shy women are just as likely as non-shy women to date, to get married, and to have children.

Love-shyness is a life-crippling condition. Victims of love-shyness are unable to marry, cannot have children, and do not participate in the normal adolescent and young adult activities of dating and courtship. Moreover, the heterosexual love-shy are often misperceived as homosexual. The never-married, heterosexually inactive man has long been known to be vulnerable to all manner of quite serious and often bizarre pathologies. In most cases, these men do not allow themselves to become involved in anything or in any activity, wholesome or otherwise, for which there is any kind of existent social support group. The love-shy do not have anybody to relate to as a friend or to count on for emotional support.

Love-shyness afflicts approximately 1.5 percent of most male populations. More succinctly, love-shyness will effectively prevent many of its male sufferers from ever marrying and from ever experiencing any form of intimate sexual contact with a woman."

I'm almost 40 and have never so much as kissed a woman, what's even worse (in a culture where men are expected to make the first move) I've never even had the courage to ask. I feel such shame about my secret but even worse is the pain of going everywhere and doing everything alone when everywhere I turn are couples.
  #16  
Old 28th January 2004, 21:08
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Default Re: 30 or over and never had a relationship

Wow! There's a name for it!!!
Thanks for that info a_c_n cheers (Emote: beerchug)

Just found this too

http://www.angelfire.com/ab6/polepino/toc.html#chapter5

Lots of fascinating reading!









  #17  
Old 31st January 2004, 17:16
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Default Re: 30 or over and never had a relationship

Hi guys saw this and it also reminded it of me, ive had only 1 propper relationship, a few flings which i didnt want but had thinking they would stay....now im very careful, I dont want to be negitive but most men, this maybe with women as well only want ahem then thats it, or their married, gay, or going out with someone,.. their commitment phobic or something, I do still try I talk to many men, I go to pubs, swimming, activities, my friends friends but either i dont like them, or its just not their... sometimes their are people out their who are just not sutible partners. I havent been in a realtionship going on for 4 years now.. before that i used to find it hard to meet men then i found one, broke my heart bought on my sa, im better now but still dont find it easy, i dont think it has anything to do with looks etc, though having looks could be a burded men just want something and thats it, sometimes it is someone we meet and click with who likes us 2, I sware their is a shortage of men lol.

I do have many male friends but their all my g/fs b/fs lol, sometimes we have things in out head of the perfect partner and we stick to those till death and we dont meet anyone thats something thats happend to me.

anyway if you want a femalefriend im here 29 nearlly 30(Emote: eekyellow) [1 edits; Last edit by sammie at 17:21:15 Sat Jan 31 2004]
  #18  
Old 1st February 2004, 01:07
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Default Re: 30 or over and never had a relationship

Helloooo.... Anyone remember me?? I haven't been here for quite a while, but I'd like back-in if you'll have me...(Emote: smileyellow)

I am about two months away from my 30th birthday and the fact that I am single is weighing heavily on me. I've had two relationships in my life, and since the last one ended I've been trying to convince myself that I should just get used to being on my own; mainly because I just can't imagine anyone finding me attractive again, and also because even now, two and a half years after my ex left me, I still haven't fully gotten over the grief, pain and despair losing her caused and I don't think I could go through it again when the inevitable happened with someone else.

The trouble is that I'm so unhappy being on my own. I can relate totally to what 'a nobody' said above about not having anyone to share things with- a few months ago for example, I went to London to see an exhibition at the Portrait Gallery and have a bit of a mooch around the city centre. I had a really good time- I didn't feel all that nervous using the underground, the exhibition was great and I enjoyed myself; but for about the first hour or so of the coach journey back home, I found myself fighting back tears because I had no-one to talk to about what I'd seen... I know that sounds pathetic but it just made me think "what's the point in doing anything when there's no-one to share the experience with?" (Emote: shake)

I was fascinated to read what statico posted about love-shyness (although I didn't read all of it...) I think I must be a male lesbian- I've always preferred female company to male company- women are generally far more patient, understanding and interesting to talk to than men- I find most men are boorish, arrogant and only interested in football, cars or putting people down. I normally feel inferior to other men as well- I'm really short and slight, and not very masculine, so I'm usually a target for ridicule. I don't really have any close female friends though because I get intimidated by them- I'm terrorfied that if I try to be friendly to a woman she'll think I'm coming on to her and be really creeped out (I think most women find me creepy anyway, because of my diminutive stature and shyness!) Why do women find short men so unattractive I wonder?

Anyway, getting back to being remotely on-topic, I hope that I will find someone one day who can put up with me, for two main reasons: I miss the companionship of having a partner- someone to care about, to curl up and watch a video with, to hold hands with, to talk to about things you can't talk to anyone else about! And secondly because when I had a partner I felt so much better about myself- more confident, more self esteem- I cared much less about what anyone else thought about me, because I knew that if I was having a bad day there was someone to go home to and have a cuddle with!

Sorry... this is just rambling on isn't it? I always find it difficult to express what I'm trying to say... And it's not really in keeping with the topic... and I'm not saying anything useful- I'm just depressed at the moment and being single seems to be the root cause of it...

I don't think anyone should feel bad about themselves for not having had a relationship at any age... I've always counted myself very lucky to have had one at all! Quite a miracle really!

(Emote: beerchug)
  #19  
Old 1st February 2004, 21:45
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Hi Neo,found your post really interesting, I remember being about your age, and I was really depressed about not being in a relationship while all my friends and aquantances were, as you get older I think you come to terms much more with being single. I've never been in a "proper" relationship as such, but to be really honest it doesn't bother me at all now, the only thing that worries me is what others might think, (he's 40 now and still not married, whats wrong with him!) I can honestly say, that for a lot of the time now I really do prefere being on my own, as long as you have got some sort of support if you really need it. As an example, in a few weeks time i'm going on a short trip, I have a friend who I have known for about six years and met through an anxiety support group, we were having a chat on the phone the other evening, and I was telling her about my forthcoming trip, and she was saying she would love to come along also, but in the cold light of day I thought " oh bugger, I really don't want to be chatting to her on the train and plane while I could be looking out of the window at the sights" and when we get there I'll feel obliged to poke around the shops with her instead of looking at the sea and checking out the pubs so I made me excuses and put her off. I'm sure a lot of people here would find that quite strange, and I would of, ten years ago but what I'm trying to say, is that I think for most people with S.A. things do get better as you get older and more confident and most of all, more "at home with yourself".
  #20  
Old 5th February 2004, 20:14
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Hi

Hope I'm not hi jacking the thread or taking it in too much of a different direction.

A while back someone mentioned about some people(pros) who charged £2500 to teach men about sex. A lot of SAUKers replied by saying I would or have never payed for it. not sure if this is a pride thing. I read this post and thought this would be the answer to a big problem of mine. Getting over an SA problem to a certain extent, not having the sexual experience someone of my age should have. I really fear getting down to the sex thing and not knowing exactly what to do. if I had £2500 spare I would use it to sort out the problem I have got. is prostritution right or wrong? Can you really worry about that when your clinging on to your life. I would do it tomorrow if I had the money.

Conquering SA is by far the most important thing in my life right now. I would be interested in other peoples thoughts.(Emote: confusedpurple)
  #21  
Old 5th February 2004, 22:02
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HI Guest (anon), yep I can relate to what you're saying, It seems quite funny now, but when I was in my teens and hadn't had sex, because of my s.a. I thought all sorts would happen when I had sex. My biggest worry was that I would be sick (honestly!) in the middle of it!, luckily, the first time, I was so overcome with other emotions/feelings that being sick didn't get a look in! I had to go to the pub first and have a drink though, I think there is a lot of bullshit amongst blokes, and I'm sure lots of blokes don't do "It" till at least their twenties. Why not pay for it? again,I think there's more blokes who have done than let on, I would certainly pay for it if I thought it would be that beneficial for me, I would be somewhat embarrased though if anybody found out!!
  #22  
Old 6th February 2004, 12:10
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don't know where that £2500 came from, perhaps that's the price for a week-long course with a surrogate. If money was the only problem everyone would just go off to punternet.com where you can put in whatever tickles your fancy and probably find it for £80 or less ... but as the saying goes - "just because you can, it doesn't mean you should".

I saw a documentary about this frankly unappealing man who frequented a place in Yorkshire. His point was that he was happy to pay whatever and be guaranteed a good time, when otherwise he would be shelling out the same money buying meals and drinks for girls that acted like they were doing him a big favour and only "putting out" to get what they could from him. The guy seemed happy enough and gave the impression that, if he was a girl, he wouldn't be going out with someone like him either, so it wasn't like he was cursing fate or how cruel people can be. It comes down to whether it is better to accept the fact that either no one wants you (or alternatively you don't have the courage to go through the rejection or other pain on the road to finding a suitable partner) and be miserable, and resign yourself to your fate, or to keeping hoping against hope that something will change, fate will intervene, etc. etc. It is all too easy to escape into a fantasy world but in the end does that cause you more pain that what you are escaping from.
  #23  
Old 6th February 2004, 14:00
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"don't know where the £2500 came from"

Someone here pointed out this story a while back, not sure if it was in the press or on the NET. I think the £2500 was for a six month course. The pros involve specialise in helping men who have a fear of women or sex. I don't how many times you visit in six months (honest). They are supposed to just make you comfortable around women at first and later leading to sex.

I don't think you can compare a man doing this to overcome a genuine fear to the man in the documentary. That's a bit like saying all people for example have plastic surgery for the same reason.

  #24  
Old 7th February 2004, 17:15
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Thanks for putting that up, I couldnt find the thread
  #25  
Old 7th February 2004, 18:42
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Hello,

I started this thread and must say its depressing for me to see where its gone. I wish you had started your own thread as my thread was nothing about where its gone.

My post was about the loneliness and isolation and not having someone to love and be loved by it wasnt about sex courses and men being the only ones alone. I wish there were males out there who wanted love and just someone to care about, etc. Anyway, I'm just upset as I started this thread.
  #26  
Old 8th February 2004, 12:11
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Default Re: 30 or over and never had a relationship

Quote:
Quote: Guest (Unregistered) at 18***58;42***58;26 Sat Feb 7 2004
I wish there were males out there who wanted love and just someone to care about, etc.
There are .... we are just a rare breed

I have been in too many bad relationships myself ( 3 long term to be specific ), they have made me worse rather than better, the stress of being in a relationship and its aftereffects have caused nervous breakdowns , worsening my Anxiety and depression, the last bad relationship, took me three years to get over.
  #27  
Old 8th February 2004, 12:13
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Default Re: 30 or over and never had a relationship

Oh and guest, make an account so we know who we are replying to m8
  #28  
Old 8th February 2004, 16:18
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Default Re: 30 or over and never had a relationship

Did anyone see the moon last night? It was the biggest, brightest, roundest moon ever. As I gazed at the sky I wished there was someone beside me, someone I could turn to and say, “Come to the window my love and look at moon – isn’t it beautiful tonight!”

But I was all alone… there was just me and the moon and another night of despair. When I woke up today it was the same as the last morning and the same as the next morning. Another day of emptiness - no one to share my life with, no one to share my hopes and dreams with, no one to grow old with.

You know how the song goes: “You’re nobody till somebody loves you. You’re nobody till somebody cares.”

That’s how I feel.

I’m “a nobody”. I don’t fit in anywhere. I’m just a stranger in a strange land.

http://www.social-anxiety.org.uk/mem...ile.htm?id=955
  #29  
Old 8th February 2004, 16:35
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Default Re: 30 or over and never had a relationship

Quote:
Quote: a_nobody at 16***58;18***58;13 Sun Feb 8 2004
I’m “a nobody”. I don’t fit in anywhere. I’m just a stranger in a strange land.

http://www.social-anxiety.org.uk/mem...ile.htm?id=955
Felt that way many a time. We are social creatures, and the need to feel part of a group is built into us. You can make steps to achieve what you want, I know several of the 'older' generation who have hit there goals later in life. Takes persistance though.

Read your profile btw a_nobody. Feel free to add me on to your MSN list (benmyersend@hotmail.com). Talking to people who genuinely know what you are experiences can be a tremendous help, and can be a launch pad to other things.

Take Care

Ben
  #30  
Old 8th February 2004, 21:50
Dazz
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Default Re: 30 or over and never had a relationship

Quote:
Quote: Guest (Unregistered) at 13***58;44***58;36 Wed Jan 28 2004

I think it isn't just SA we are talking about here, more like what is called "love-shyness" - it's encouraging that a couple of people here began relationships after 30, because the prevailing opinion seems to be if you don't have a relationship by 30 there's something so wrong with you that you never will (Emote: sad)

From
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love-shyness

Love-shyness
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.
I've also heard of this described using another expression "fear of intimacy" which is the term I used recently in a post of mine...

I'm 38 & haven't had any experiences at all, I'm wondering if "love-shyness"/"fear of intimacy" is one of the things I'm suffering from... By the way I should post more here instead of just in the main SA room...I keep forgetting about "the old folks home"!
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