"Being Yourself"

[sm123]

Self indulgent post alert!

Although I hate this expression, "be yourself" is a phrase that I hear a lot but am I alone in finding this impossible? I have such a fear of being judged and because of this I can never "be myself" around anyone, to an extent that I can't even talk about trivial things like films and music that I like, let alone express my opinion on more important matters.

Maybe I'm thinking too much into this but most people seem to create an identity for themselves and feel like they belong to a certain social group. Not sure if I'm explaining this well, but basically, people are more drawn t others with similar personality traits to themselves, and people are confused by me as I try to fit in with everyone I meet.

Not sure if this is due to ridiculously low self esteem or something deeper. Any thoughts?

Not sure if I should post this as i'm not really asking for or giving anyone any advice, plus it's probably complete nonsense anyway, but I felt like I needed to say it and have no one else to say it to.

[ßazzaOld]

Dont be discouraged from posting sm this is a very worthy post as any. Its not nonsense and nothing wrong in asking around here.

I think when we are in these situations that our sa thoughts/negative thoughts are flooding our mind so badly that it can be hard for the mind to process anything else. It can be hard for us to know what our personality is when we spend so much energy worrying.

[Winnie57]

I understand exactly what you mean sm. I find it much easier to be myself now I'm older and there's not so much pressure to fit in with the crowd. I also find that people actually respect me for not fitting in.

I still feel confused about who I actually am though and think SA is such a big part of me that it is part of my identity.

Originally Posted by sm123

I have such a fear of being judged and because of this I can never "be myself" around anyone, to an extent that I can't even talk about trivial things like films and music that I like, let alone express my opinion on more important matters.

Hey ya sm123

I used to feel this way too, however, you will never truly be happy until you start to get to know yourself and start to like yourself for who you are. Never allow anybody else's opinion of you dictate your right to be happy because they do not deserve that kind of power over you, they are not in control of you; you have a right to be how you want to be and what you're comfortable with, honestly nobody has that right to take away from you. Don't give them that control.

Take Care
Danny

[Mis fit]

I feel the same sm123, its like im too scared to have a personality and state my own views likes/dislikes, it annoys and frustrates me and i can understand why people would be less interested in me than someone who is more assured and comfortable with themselves. I wish that i could feel more comfortable with myself enough not to care what others thought, or to be thought of as interesting enough to be invited places, for someone to want my company. I feel like im 28 but i dont even know myself!

Originally Posted by Mis fit

, or to be thought of as interesting enough to be invited places, for someone to want my company.

It is difficult, I can definately relate to that. Sometimes all we want is to be given a chance to open up and get to know us better. Not everybody is the same, some people take longer to open up than others and I think it's really unfortunate that a lot of people don't have the patience. Everybody is different and we all have our own comfort zones in which allows us to be ourselves. It wouldn't hurt if people were more flexible. Don't blame yourself for that.

[aunty social]

It's a tricky one.

In the 'real world', I'm not sure people really want me to myself - as I'm quite depressed and people (other than close partners/therapists) don't really want to deal with/listen to it.

I try quite hard to be myself these days as I don't have much of a tolerance for falseness in myself or other people, but still I certainly subtely manipulate my personality to fit in with other people. I don't like it, but to an extent, I think that's life

[Innervision]

Your post is not complete nonsense at all.

I know lots of people shriek ''Cliche!!!'' whenever anyone talks of being yourself, but being yourself is the only thing you can ever be if you value your peace of mind, stability and happiness.

If anything, it's not being ourselves that causes us inner conflict, it's trying to be all things to all people in the vain search for universal approval that causes the problems.

You say you try to fit in with everyone you meet. Well being a decent, welcoming person is no bad thing, but trying to be 100 different personalities just to fit in and gain approval is quite counter productive in my experience. It comes across as fake, contrived and rather shallow. As though the person doing it has no opinions and no identity of their own. Also, it can be difficult to trust people who change just to fit into whatever company they are in at the time.

Poor confidence and esteem can contribute greatly to this kind of thing. For instance, I grew up in an environment where my opinion, thoughts, feelings etc were not valued. In fact, I had them beaten out of me. This led me to believe all I was as a person was worthless and useless, so I better hide the real me and fit in by being someone else instead. In short, the inner turmoil that resulted tore me apart.

That inner conflict has only subsided since I finally felt willing and able to get back in touch with the real person that I'd always been. The real me. Only by accepting myself and by being myself have I been able to move on.

I fully understand how difficult it can be to be ourselves. I had my own personality crushed out of me to the point where I didn't even know who or what I was anymore. So I appreciate how easy it is to totally lose ourselves and feel the need to adopt bits of other peoples personalities so we fit in with them.

Something I learned along the way is that people who are judgemental will judge regardless of whether we are being true to ourselves or not. They judge anyway. Once I realised this, I also realised that if I'm going to be judged, I may as well be judged for being who and what I am rather for being something I'm not. I'd rather stand or fall being what I am than stand or fall for not being true to myself at all.

I can see the attraction in hiding our real self, though. If we adopt a fake personality just to fit in, but get criticised, at least we feel the real us is not being attacked. Rather the fake 'us' is instead. So the real us underneath is still free from criticism because no one actually sees it.

These days, rather than me changing to fit in with others, I just accept who I am then be who I am. I know what I like, the type of people I like, the lifestyle I like, and I simply meet and spend my time with likeminded people. There is no need to make conscious efforts to change in order to fit in.

I'm not suggesting all this is easy. It took me decades to feel ok being me. But we have to make a stand at some point and look inside ourselves to find out just who we are and what we stand for. There has to be some level of self-acceptance and a belief that we are an ok person. At some point we simply have to be ourselves, because ourself is all we can ever really be. However hard we try, we can never be somebody else.

EDIT:

Originally Posted by aunty

In the 'real world', I'm not sure people really want me to myself - as I'm quite depressed and people (other than close partners/therapists) don't really want to deal with/listen to it.

I see what you are saying, but your issues do not define you as a person. They may get in the way and cloud everything, but the person underneath the issues is surely more complex, diverse and deeper than those surface issues. Underneath our issues we are all people who have likes, needs, desires, opinions, thoughts, goals, dreams, attributes, qualities etc etc... It's these things that define who we are, not our problems.

[david mckenna]

Originally Posted by sm123

Self indulgent post alert!

Although I hate this expression, "be yourself" is a phrase that I hear a lot but am I alone in finding this impossible? I have such a fear of being judged and because of this I can never "be myself" around anyone, to an extent that I can't even talk about trivial things like films and music that I like, let alone express my opinion on more important matters.

Maybe I'm thinking too much into this but most people seem to create an identity for themselves and feel like they belong to a certain social group. Not sure if I'm explaining this well, but basically, people are more drawn t others with similar personality traits to themselves, and people are confused by me as I try to fit in with everyone I meet.

Not sure if this is due to ridiculously low self esteem or something deeper. Any thoughts?

Not sure if I should post this as i'm not really asking for or giving anyone any advice, plus it's probably complete nonsense anyway, but I felt like I needed to say it and have no one else to say it to.

i have this problem myself too. i know exactly who i am deep down on the inside but i just cant expresse it to other people. when im around others they witness my behaviour (which is not a reflection of my real self) and they make their own minds up about who i am ( usually little shy david) .

people think they know me and know wot im like but the fact is that they dont know me one tiny bit cos the real me is hidden. ive used a lot of cbt to try and uncover some of my beleifs and i discovered that i hold the following beleif '' i have to act according to who other people think i am'' and the assumption that goes with that belief is '' if i don't act according to who other poeple think i am then they will misunderstand me ''.

those beleifs bring me a lot of guilt , guilt that makes me feel like im not allowed to be myself and that i have to just go along with who other people think i am and hide my real self int he process. i think that if i show a bit of the real me people just wont able to accept or understand it cos it goes against who they beleive i am

[Zarrix]

If we went through life, simply 'being ourselves' then we would be in a grave sooner rather than later. We cannot have the same persona around different people, different situations require different reactions and emotions. If I was an angry person, would I act angry when talking to an important boss, or in the courts? Where it wouldn't be the best way to go about it? However, I think your core personality, your core beliefs are the main ingredient, you just need to add the right spices to this ingredient to make it work for the situation. SP sufferers think that they cannot add the right spice and/or their core beliefs are inferior to others around them.

[Innervision]

Originally Posted by Zarrix

If we went through life, simply 'being ourselves' then we would be in a grave sooner rather than later. We cannot have the same persona around different people, different situations require different reactions and emotions. If I was an angry person, would I act angry when talking to an important boss, or in the courts? Where it wouldn't be the best way to go about it? However, I think your core personality, your core beliefs are the main ingredient, you just need to add the right spices to this ingredient to make it work for the situation. SP sufferers think that they cannot add the right spice and/or their core beliefs are inferior to others around them.

Absolutely disagree with the highlighted portion of your post.

You sort of assume that people are one dimensional and limited. In fact, the opposite is true. Being yourself is not being the same rigid one dimensional person in all situations, it's about using the whole person and all it's resources,

You mention the 'angry person' as though angry is all that person may be. As though the angry person has no other aspects to their real self than their anger. This is untrue. I counsel a number of people who have come in primarily to deal with anger issues ... but their anger is just one part of a very complex personality with numerous facets.

There is such a thing as 'configurations of the self'. What I mean is human beings are not just one rigid and narrow entity. We are made up of more that. Our personalities are wider than that. Just fror examples sake, imagine that you were made up of 100 different parts that make the authentic self. In any given situation we only show a certain configuration of those aspects.

We don't show everyone the whole 100 parts. We are more guarded and hide more parts with people we don't trust. We show more parts (more of our real self) to people we trust and we love. We show a certain configuration to mates and another to a partner. Another configuration to our parents. So we are adaptable to our surroundings but still true to the authentic self.

In your post you appear to show little belief in the depth and diversity of the true self. Anyone who is in touch with their true self is left in little doubt about the depth of resources within the self. So the person can be themselves in situations whilst still behaving in context with that situation.

We can still be our authentic self when being angry in anger provoking situations, assertive when being assertive is warranted, aggressive if attacked, diplomatic when necessary etc etc...

So the authentic self is made up of many parts, and is far from a rigid structure. Being aware of our authentic self is to recognise our many facets of personality and showing different facets at aproppriate times. Being ourselves is nothing to do with being the same rigid persona in every situation in life.

[[MiffyKoala]]

I used to find the thought of being myself terrifyin, mainly cos i didnt really know who i was, and when i id i though peope would find me dumb etc...but these days im starting to accept myself alot more and therefore i feel more at ease just being myself, i still feel worried sometimes but then i think, well lots of other people are themselves n i accept it without a second thought, its a growing thing defo.

[raul]

Alot of people suffer from that problem,me included.All you have to do is bite the bullet and do it(easier said than done).This is no way to live.This is the bottom line.Do you want to look back at your life(20+ years from now) and regret of not discovering your full personality/potential and think of yourself as a little spineless coward? I definitely don't want that to happen to me!! I personally have made "an agreement with myself" that i am going to live my life as i see fit(be true to myself) and if other people don't like it,stuff them.Other people don't really care what others think of them,so why should we?The call is yours,you can always watch the game of life from the side-lines and envy the players inside or man up and step in and be a player yourself.

It is inevitable,you will have to make this choice sooner or later and the sooner the better.So all i have to say is if you decide you want to do something JUST DO IT (nike slogan) lol and to all the naysayers out there(who try to beat you down) i have only two words for them "FOOK THEM" hehe.

So what are you waiting for lad...............? Let's go out there and kick some ass haha.

[Granville]

Originally Posted by cj0hn0

- C) You can have no sense of who you are, that is you don't feel comfortable in the you people see, but you also don't know who you are to yourself "I don't know who I am at all, I have no sense of myself".

I'm not sure anyone else feels they fit this -- I just made it up as I typed it like...

Yes it makes sense, I think I'm a C havn't got a clue who I am, so "being yourself" means nothing to me. Half the time I don't know what I think or feel, so I can't express opinions about things or manage basic conversation, I just draw a blank. I missed out on far too much when I was younger.

[pink_ego_box]

Originally Posted by Granville

Yes it makes sense, I think I'm a C havn't got a clue who I am, so "being yourself" means nothing to me. Half the time I don't know what I think or feel, so I can't express opinions about things or manage basic conversation, I just draw a blank. I missed out on far too much when I was younger.

I feel exactly the same- I haven't got a clue who I am. I don't know what I like, what I enjoy or what I live for really. If i'm asked would I like to do xxxxxxxx, I'm lost, I just don't know. I have no opinions, identity or sense of self. Life is pretty damn empty- even after doing something it is rare for me to know whether I enjoyed it or not and whether I would want to do it again. I do things simply that fit in with what I think society expects of me. I don't know where to go from here

[Andy]

The only time I can truly be myself is when I’m in a comfortable environment with people I can trust. It’s not that I don’t know who I am, I do, it’s just when I’m with strangers or whatever I can’t be myself because I constantly worry about how I am being perceived. For example when I’m in the company of ‘cool’, ‘social’ people I try and put an act on that I’m a ‘cool’, ‘social’ person just to fit in.