Anyone else find it hard to like people?

[Just.Fin]

Just out of curiosity I wondered if anyone else struggles with "liking people", sometimes I wonder if its because being with people is hard....or whether its hard because I don't really actually like people. Its so rare that I meet people I want to be around and value. I have no idea if that's a problem with me or if its some kind of side effect of long term SA.

[Tembo]

Yes, I certainly do, and it's become increasingly difficult to like people as I get older, and as I get to know more about what our human race is like.

There are some genuinely lovely people around, but I find far too many people to be just selfish, judgemental, and close minded. I'm a bit cynical when people say we are a more open-minded kinder society now.

I also don't think it helps that I have very little in common with most people - thanks to SA, other mental issues and physical disabilities, I've grown up with very individual and geeky interests, which very few can relate to. And now I'm in my mid-20s, people are turning into a couple, 'settling down' and all that stuff which is something completely alien to me.
There has also been a few occasions when someone I get along really well with becomes a couple, and they completely change and don't really hear from them again.

I tried very hard a few years ago to meet new people and stop being so close-minded myself, but it hasn't worked to the level I hoped it would. I'm still doing it, and I do get to meet new people and practice social skills, but haven't really made new friends from it.

[FraidyCat]

Try and stick to Agreeable people.

Agreeableness is one of the big 5 personality traits.

From wikipedia:
Agreeableness is a personality trait manifesting itself in individual behavioral characteristics that are perceived as kind, sympathetic, cooperative, warm, and considerate. In contemporary personality psychology, agreeableness is one of the five major dimensions of personality structure, reflecting individual differences in cooperation and social harmony.

People who score high on this dimension are empathetic and altruistic, while a low agreeableness score relates to selfish behavior and a lack of empathy. Those who score very low on agreeableness show signs of dark triad behavior such as manipulation and competing with others rather than cooperating.

[Schmosby]

I loathe people, but do tend to like and get on with most individuals.

[Just.Fin]

Well its reassuring to know I'm not the only one. Its just so frustrating, I set a fairly low bar for folk and they just seem to always be able to limbo right under it.

[Austere_Lemur]

I'm an easy kind of date! I like anyone who gives me the time of day (it's easy to please me, lol!).

On a more serious note... Yeah, I got nothing.

[snoo]

I think I'm perhaps the opposite.

There are some people who I dislike, some perhaps irrationally. I suspect this may be SA tricking your brain into keeping you safe by protecting you, which is stupid.
But there are people that I find annoying, I guess everyone has that.

Then again there a few people that I quite admire in terms of personality traits, admittedly few in number as I meet few of them. The trouble is becoming friends with these people, at times I have a low opinion of myself and think I am too different/have little to offer.

[BritishPeace]

Most people are unlikeable

[Moksha]

Oh god yes. I don't think you are unusual. Plenty of people without SA struggle. Why do you think everyone gets drunk at christmas? It isn't just to have a good time; it's so they can endure their brother in law or their husband's mum! And it's hardly surprising. At least a third of the people I've met have been repulsive or downright evil. Another big chunk, who aren't fundamentally bad, still bore or irritate me. Others have minds or personalities so alien to my own that we could never understand one another, not if we were trapped on a desert island for 20 years.

I cannot stand most of the people who live in my street, for example. The woman next door is a jealous, spiteful, sulky, passive aggressive piece of ***t. Literally one of the worst human beings I have ever met. As for her son, he is just rotten to the core - pure evil. The woman next to them is ok, but very fake and pretentious. Her husband was nice but he died. Next to them is an older man. Pompous, arrogant and pretentious, but basically ok I guess. The woman opposite them has a good heart but she's also a bit of a yokel - and very nosy. Her husband was a horrible little creature. Boring, sly and creepy. Still, he's dead, thankfully. Next door to her is a nutcase. I don't mind her but she's losing the plot. Her husband is a typical suffolk hick - slow, boring, selfish and thick. Then there is a guy in his late 40s. He's basically a spoilt 10-year-old show off trapped in a man's body. One of those people who are only happy when they are correcting you, showing you how to do something or telling you about their latest success. The sort of person who was spoilt as a child and never quite grew out of it. Next there is an old couple. He is one of those upper class types who think any kind of human emotion is mamby pamby soppiness. They are bearable I guess. Then there is a retired farmer. A horrible little man who used to hit his dogs every time they barked. He was one of those people who always moan about having no money, yet probably have thousands stashed away in boxes. Still, he is very ill now and on his last legs. And that's the lot. There isn't a single person in this street whose company I could bear for more than half an hour.

[Consolida]

No I wouldn't say I find it too hard to like people, it's more a case of them finding it hard to like me. I invariably end up feeling very hurt and disappointed because of them.

Sometimes I haven't much liked someone on first impressions but then if I've had the chance to get to know them a little better and can gain some insight and understanding of why they act the way that they do I've sometimes found myself warming to them. Your average person (I'm excluding tyrants and despots here!) have at least something a little bit likeable about them I think.

Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule. If someone is intentionally cruel to animals and/or children then I could never like them under any circumstances. I also dislike people who bully others and don't have any kind of empathy, although I guess if you delve deep enough you might find a frightened insecure child hiding behind their tough exterior and then I'll feel pity rather than dislike.

There was a mother who I used to see on the school run. Her views were so forthright and obnoxious that I began to dread seeing her. I pretended that I liked her though because her child was friendly with mine, I was afraid of her and it was a case of 'keeping your friends close but your enemies closer.' She was extremely racist, slightly homophobic and would talk about people who had mental health problems in quite a derogatory manner. I still fear bumping into her to this day. That said, she loved animals and was kind and supportive to me when my cat was poorly so I guess you could say that even she wasn't all bad!


Ha ha, Moksha, it's interesting hearing about your various neighbours and why you dislike them so much. I think I'm actually quite glad that I don't live in your street

[Marco]

^^ Moksha, I think you're perhaps guilty of being a tad judgmental of your neighbours lol - I'm certainly relieved I don't live in your street! Enjoyed your post though.

To be honest I don't find it hard to like people, especially those who seem to like me (for which I feel almost unworthy). I'm like Consolida that I think people find it difficult to get to know me enough to like me and at times I feel hurt and depressed that this is so. I see myself as the problem here. I do often feel angry at people collectively - for example, I despise the fat cats and greedy capitalists, and even the entire human race for the damage being caused to our precious planet. On an individual level though, I tend not to feel antipathy.

[Staring at the Sea]

SA and the general public are a vicious circle. Every time I try so give them a chance I just have my negative beliefs backed up when each person turns out to be rude/arrogant/agressive/selfish/etc etc.

[limey123]

Originally Posted by Moksha

I cannot stand most of the people who live in my street, for example. The woman next door is a jealous, spiteful, sulky, passive aggressive piece of ***t. Literally one of the worst human beings I have ever met. As for her son, he is just rotten to the core - pure evil. The woman next to them is ok, but very fake and pretentious. Her husband was nice but he died. Next to them is an older man. Pompous, arrogant and pretentious, but basically ok I guess. The woman opposite them has a good heart but she's also a bit of a yokel - and very nosy. Her husband was a horrible little creature. Boring, sly and creepy. Still, he's dead, thankfully. Next door to her is a nutcase. I don't mind her but she's losing the plot. Her husband is a typical suffolk hick - slow, boring, selfish and thick. Then there is a guy in his late 40s. He's basically a spoilt 10-year-old show off trapped in a man's body. One of those people who are only happy when they are correcting you, showing you how to do something or telling you about their latest success. The sort of person who was spoilt as a child and never quite grew out of it. Next there is an old couple. He is one of those upper class types who think any kind of human emotion is mamby pamby soppiness. They are bearable I guess. Then there is a retired farmer. A horrible little man who used to hit his dogs every time they barked. He was one of those people who always moan about having no money, yet probably have thousands stashed away in boxes. Still, he is very ill now and on his last legs. And that's the lot. There isn't a single person in this street whose company I could bear for more than half an hour.

Wow, Moksha, don't mince your words. You don't think you're perhaps being a tad harsh to some of these people? Calling people evil etc. I wonder what they think of you? Why don't you move somewhere else if things are this bad?

[Just.Fin]

Sometimes I wonder if its a respect thing. I feel like a lot of people automatically put me below them on the ladder of respect when they first meet me...and this in turn makes it much harder for me to like them. I used to spend time/effort then earning that respect but found this fundamentally flawed too because even tho people do come around and like and respect me....they have done nothing to earn mine..and that's really hard to accept. Im not sure what the other options are..possibly to be more assertive/less kind, easy to deal with on first contact? But it just seems so counter productive to deliberately put others in a position of discomfort. It is a puzzler.

[Consolida]

^ Yes, it's certainly a puzzler, Just.Fin...

Like you, I feel because I am often quiet and timid people automatically see me as being below them on the ladder rather than on an equal footing. Perhaps it's because my nervous mannerisms can come across as rather simple or childlike. For others to like me as an equal I have no idea what the answer is apart from a total body and brain transplant! As you say, there's the option of being more assertive and hence less of a people pleaser, but people don't seem to like that either and I'm left feeling guilty and horrid.

[Consolida]

^ I agree totally, Change.

I was brought up to respect other people from the outset and I taught my son to be the same. I always remember regularly repeating the mantra 'treat others as you would like them to treat yourself.' However, I will quickly lose respect for someone if they are generally rude and insensitive to the feelings of others. Then I'll try my best to ignore them until they annoy me so much I'll tell them how rude I think they are

[Ronnie_Pickering]

This quite a hard topic for me. I find I have to change my thinking from 'this person is an idiot' to this person has 'annoying features'. I have a boss who I think is mostly a good natured guy, but has not so good qualities of being a moody ass. It can be tricky navigating two aspects of a person.

[Consolida]

Originally Posted by Fungus

However its like looking at Youtube videos or almost anything online and there is often lots of insults and nasty comments to even quite normal nice people on average subjects which makes me think that a lot of people are quite nasty deep down but just dont say anything in public. Its like gogglebox where they speak their mind and are often quite cruel or judgemental when in reality most people would be quiet which makes you think that many people are thinking such things all the time.

Tell me about it Fungus.

Since becoming more involved in online social media I've noticed that my view of people has started to change, and certainly not for the better. I've always tried my best to see the good in people but I'm shocked at how nasty and vicious people can be in the comments section even towards people who are generally polite and respectful.

For example, I once posted on a relevant post, on Facebook, about how I loved my golly as a kid but that once I learnt about their extremely racist origins I would never have bought one for my child and added that such caricatures no longer have a place in todays Society. Fair enough, I totally understand that not everyone will agree with my 'mamby pamby' views but I just got laughed at and ridiculed for my opinion and ended up deleting it.

I would be better off, doing what I did for years, just sitting in the corner like a meek little mouse. But I have opinions too that I want to express. It's not fair that the loud mouths think it's okay to intimidate others who also would like to express themselves, but in a civil manner.

I frequently come so close to getting rid of all of my Social Media (Facebook, Instagram, even here) but then I worry that I'll just be sticking my head in the sand like those old folk who haven't a clue whats really going on in the real world. It would be so lovely if I could just forget all the vile comments I've ever read on social media and start deluding myself again that most of the people you meet in real life are like warm, cuddly bunnies

[Just.Fin]

Originally Posted by Fungus

^
Yes,I can understand that completely Consolida. Its like looking on a popular social forum a few weeks ago where there were about 10 pages of comments just mocking people with SA for being cowards and not trying hard enough. If anything I think many younger people are less tolerant of mental health or maybe the intolerant ones are the most vocal.

I dont use Facebook, twitter or Instagram(no mobile!) and I would have deleted this account many times due to past events if the option was available but as then as I have SA that has affected my life in every-way I think why the folk should other peoples opinions be more worthy than mine.

Originally Posted by Consolida

Tell me about it Fungus.

Since becoming more involved in online social media I've noticed that my view of people has started to change, and certainly not for the better. I've always tried my best to see the good in people but I'm shocked at how nasty and vicious people can be in the comments section even towards people who are generally polite and respectful.

For example, I once posted on a relevant post, on Facebook, about how I loved my golly as a kid but that once I learnt about their extremely racist origins I would never have bought one for my child and added that such caricatures no longer have a place in todays Society. Fair enough, I totally understand that not everyone will agree with my 'mamby pamby' views but I just got laughed at and ridiculed for my opinion and ended up deleting it.

I would be better off, doing what I did for years, just sitting in the corner like a meek little mouse. But I have opinions too that I want to express. It's not fair that the loud mouths think it's okay to intimidate others who also would like to express themselves, but in a civil manner.

I frequently come so close to getting rid of all of my Social Media (Facebook, Instagram, even here) but then I worry that I'll just be sticking my head in the sand like those old folk who haven't a clue whats really going on in the real world. It would be so lovely if I could just forget all the vile comments I've ever read on social media and start deluding myself again that most of the people you meet in real life are like warm, cuddly bunnies

I actually did delete all my social media account a few years after they came out. I've been a lot happier since and I don't envy anyone the pressure they bring to an already pressurised existence. Also, as you its a platform for people to express views without direct repercussion....which shows up a lot of darkness in many people. I always new that darkness was there., sadly ive never had much nativity about people, but it is worse and more depressing to see it depicted so clearly.

[Consolida]

^^ That's great that you deleted all of your social media accounts and feel all the better for it Just.Fin

I know this sounds extremely sad but I'm not sure how long I'd last without any social media as, apart from my family, it's often the only contact I have with people. I have just a small amount of lovely SA people on Facebook that I do like to share the occasional message with and there's one or two people that would disappear from my life completely if I deleted my account.
I also enjoy looking at the wonderful Art and photographs of people I follow on Instagram. They have never been anything but lovely.
It's just the nasty vicious comments that I read on certain articles that come through on my newsfeed that really upset me, but then it's my own stupid fault for looking and/or getting involved in the first place

Originally Posted by Fungus

^
If anything I think many younger people are less tolerant of mental health or maybe the intolerant ones are the most vocal.

That's an interesting point. I have no reliable evidence to support this, but I had kind of hoped that because there was so much more awareness of mental health issues in Society nowadays (the royals and celebrities have spoken very openly about it and it's widely talked about in Schools now) that younger people would be much more tolerant than the 'pull yourself together brigade' that made things so much harder for me as a youngster.

Although my teen is fairly confident and stoical he is totally accepting of others who struggle mentally (I guess because he's grown up with a neurotic mother!) When a girl at school was self harming to my knowledge all the other students were pretty supportive of her. Unfortunately there are intolerant idiots in every age group but I generally think the younger generations are more accepting. You've hit the nail on the head I think about the intolerant ones being the most vocal though. I've also noticed they are often the...erm..less intelligent ones and don't seem capable of engaging their brain before spouting out nasty insults!

Originally Posted by Fungus

I dont use Facebook, twitter or Instagram(no mobile!) and I would have deleted this account many times due to past events if the option was available but as then as I have SA that has affected my life in every-way I think why the folk should other peoples opinions be more worthy than mine.

Exactly!! You have every right to express your opinions too. I'm glad that you have continued to post here Fungus because I especially enjoy reading your very knowledgeable posts regarding environmental matters and Politics. And of course there's your amazing photos as well

[Messer]

I find it hard to like people. I think I'm quite sensitive, and pay too much attention to what people say and how they say it. And then I take them as I find them.

I've resorted to avoiding most people, or only seeing them in measured doses. Bad interactions affect me badly, and for a long time.

[Consolida]

^ Yes me too

[char1ie]

I find the more anxious I'm feeling generally the more I dislike people. Guess it's a bit of a self-destructive pattern.

[Just.Fin]

Originally Posted by char1ie

I find the more anxious I'm feeling generally the more I dislike people. Guess it's a bit of a self-destructive pattern.

You may very well be correct about that. Maybe i am lumping stuff on people that's more about me than them.