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  #91  
Old 11th January 2011, 18:23
filo filo is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange's real surname is actually Flange, however he changed it in 2003 to make himself sound more sophisticated.
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  #92  
Old 11th January 2011, 19:27
Boc11 Boc11 is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

The Electric Tobacconist Company has gone bankrupt due to the smoking ban.

Tomorrow, Allied Carpets will NOT be having a sale.
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  #93  
Old 11th January 2011, 23:19
-Simon- -Simon- is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

Fish developed fins in the early 20th century as a response to our insatiable appetite for fish fingers. There are now no fish with fingers left in the world's oceans today. Not even octopuses, which aren't even proper fish anyway.
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  #94  
Old 12th January 2011, 00:15
Mortigantoj Mortigantoj is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

I fought the law ...and... the law won!
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  #95  
Old 12th January 2011, 19:56
Effervescing Elephant Effervescing Elephant is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

I was the fifth Teletubby. I left the group before they got famous. There were creative differences. And a restraining order.

My character was called Slash. The costume was all black, with glowing red eyes. His favourite thing was a meat cleaver.

Slash was always the naughty one. I tried to make him different, rebellious. A sort of James Dean figure for the under fives.

Sadly, today's pre-schoolers just want bland conformity.
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  #96  
Old 12th January 2011, 20:42
Boc11 Boc11 is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

The well known game 'Jenga' was actually invented after a convoy of visiting tourists spotted the pile of spoons in my draining rack and the subsequent delicate operation every day to remove one without tipping them over.
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  #97  
Old 12th January 2011, 21:13
Boc11 Boc11 is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

****, the landlord is visiting; must hide the evidence.

Now I know why Bradley wanted to borrow the tape measure.
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  #98  
Old 13th January 2011, 02:32
Caribou Caribou is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

An amazing discovery by NASA scientists has concluded that if enough humble British Polo sweets were taken to the Moon, the air from the collective holes would create a breathable atmosphere, which would enable a party of seven to ten people to live on the lunar surface for around eight years. NASA spokesman Ivor Largeburger explained: "We discovered this phenomenon after conducting many experiments involving dropping various quantities of Polo sweets into tropical fish tanks. We found that the fish were able to exist for several weeks without the aid of the usual electric air pump." When asked whether it mattered if the Polos were mint or fruit flavoured, Mr. Largeburger explained: "It is irrelevant whether the polos are mint of fruit flavoured, it is the holes in the Polos that do the work. Even the sugar-free variety work." Mr. Largeburger continued: "We are currently developing a huge Polo transportation module, which will be capable of carrying many thousands of packets to the Moon, and we are collaborating with Nestlé who manufacture the famous British Polo sweets."

Nestlé spokeswoman Penny Lolly said: "This is very exciting news for our company, and we are confident that we can meet demand." Mrs. Lolly joked: "Although I do eat Polos, I don't wish to go to the Moon myself!" President Barak Obama remarked: "This is an incredible discovery, although, I do not eat Polos myself because I prefer Tic Tacs."
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  #99  
Old 14th January 2011, 00:41
-Simon- -Simon- is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

As you are no doubt aware, the first toilets were little more than seats mounted over open gulleys which carried our effluent to the nearest river or pond. Over time it was noted that the more inquisitive water fowl tended to swim up these channels in search of food and, in so doing, would keep the system free of blockages. Homeowners began to encourage the birds to swim up and down the sewerage system by dropping breadcrumbs and the like down the shithole and that's how the Toilet Duck came to be.
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  #100  
Old 14th January 2011, 22:38
Winnie57 Winnie57 is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

^


I feed live sprats to my cat every Tuesday as a special treat. I breed them in a large tank in my bedroom and I employ a woman to keep the tank clean because I can't be bothered. I pay her in Monopoly money but she doesn't mind as Monopoly is her favourite game.
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  #101  
Old 14th January 2011, 23:32
-Simon- -Simon- is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

Arthritis was discivered by Arthur Itis, while his brother Dermot discoverd dermatitis. His cousin Ryan was, of course, the discoverer of Rhinitis.
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  #102  
Old 15th January 2011, 00:27
Mr. Spaceman Mr. Spaceman is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

The comedian "John Bishop" is actually wanted Serbian war criminal Slavoljub Bajkovi***263;.
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  #103  
Old 15th January 2011, 01:32
SoulSeeker SoulSeeker is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

Michael Jackson once came into my paintshop and asked me to powder coat some wheel trims for him.
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  #104  
Old 15th January 2011, 02:08
Caribou Caribou is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

Quote:
Originally Posted by SoulSeeker
Michael Jackson once came into my paintshop and asked me to powder coat some wheel trims for him.
...are you sure you didn't powder coat his face in white?
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  #105  
Old 15th January 2011, 23:08
SoulSeeker SoulSeeker is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

Quote:
Originally Posted by Poltergeist
...are you sure you didn't powder coat his face in white?
Lol aye I think he was inspecting his trims when I was actually in the process of powdering them matt white..I accidently powdered his face and then accidently pushed him in the oven..then accidently stoved him..all by accident of course
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  #106  
Old 15th January 2011, 23:45
Caribou Caribou is offline
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  #107  
Old 16th January 2011, 01:05
Kevin Hodge Kevin Hodge is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

last night i wrapped my christmas lights into a pentagram configuration, placed them on a copper ornamental dish full of milk and LEDs, and put it in the microwave. i then put the microwave in my oven, filling the remaining spaces around it with cans of lynx africa. i waited til my oven was heated to precisely 66.6 degrees and switched the microwave on at 66.6% of full power. the microwave pinged but somehow it was different from usual - the same, but more evil. all my appliances swiftly clouded into a hellish nightmare - the last thing i remember was a cobalt-skinned leprechoid form handing me a pencil shaped like a raspberry ice cream cone. i woke with my hand saturated with melted ice cream, and i had written a number on the linoleum. when i entered it on google an image of chuck norris was the only search result. however, when i typed the number into my landline (389 digits long! O_O), light came out the mouth piece. when i shone it on the wall, it turned out to be a projection of the planet jupiter. when i looked through my neighbours telescope at jupiter, it turned out the image coming out the phone was LIVE!

the most amazing bit is that my phone got cut off three days ago
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  #108  
Old 16th January 2011, 01:11
Mortigantoj Mortigantoj is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seth Brundle
I woke with my hand saturated with melted ice cream
That sounds so wrong
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  #109  
Old 16th January 2011, 01:54
diplodocus diplodocus is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

The human testes, when exposed to a pressures of at least twice atmospheric pressure will spontaneously ejaculate their entire contents with terminal velocities reaching around 120 mph. The spermatozoa will however be rendered infertile to all compatible mamillian species (except for baboons) by the tremendous forces generated upon their nucleolus.
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  #110  
Old 16th January 2011, 02:28
Kevin Hodge Kevin Hodge is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

cucumbers make excellent natural candles.
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  #111  
Old 16th January 2011, 09:13
-Simon- -Simon- is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

Paul McCartney (Sir Paul to you) had Michael Jackson killed when a bidding war for the Beatles' royalties turned nasty. And John Lennon, he did for him and all, the spoon-faced Scouse tosspot.
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  #112  
Old 16th January 2011, 14:54
SoulSeeker SoulSeeker is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

The queen sent me a message on pof requesting..
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  #113  
Old 16th January 2011, 18:12
Winnie57 Winnie57 is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

After work I am going to knock over a pot plant and jump on it.
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  #114  
Old 16th January 2011, 18:31
-Simon- -Simon- is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

At 11am on the 11th of the 11th this year ('11), there will be a total eclipse of all the planets, moons, suns, stars and everything. It's a 1 in 7.6 gahamalamajozillion event when all the heavenly bodies will be in perfect alignment for 11 minutes and 11 seconds. You won't see anything though, just total blankness.
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  #115  
Old 18th January 2011, 10:32
Winnie57 Winnie57 is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

^ I'll have to make a note in my diary! Just have done and I'm going to go to 11th Street, Philadelphia where it's said there will be the best view of this historical astronomical phenomenon.
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  #116  
Old 18th January 2011, 20:51
SoulSeeker SoulSeeker is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

KITT kindly dropped me off at work this morning.
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  #117  
Old 18th January 2011, 20:54
LmaoZedong LmaoZedong is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

I was originally cast as the fresh prince for the pre season pilot episodes, as will smith was still recovering from a sherbet addiction.
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  #118  
Old 18th January 2011, 22:50
xTKsaucex xTKsaucex is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

My incredible witch like psychic abilities once predicted the rise of jesus christ, and that was 5 years ago.
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  #119  
Old 19th January 2011, 14:08
Mr. Spaceman Mr. Spaceman is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

The SAUK Discussion "Board" is so-called because it was originally just that - a section of chipboard erected in Birmingham city centre in 1978, that people could come and stick post-it notes on detailing their social anxiety related issues. Thankfully, technology has come a long way since then!
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  #120  
Old 20th January 2011, 11:06
Admiral Fool Admiral Fool is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

Janet Street Porter fantasizes about having sex with you.
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