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  #31  
Old 14th September 2019, 17:09
Dougella Dougella is offline
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Default Re: Partner left me

^^ Had you been arguing a lot for a while and what was the argument about that caused him to leave? (You don't have to say if it's too personal)
It's not fair for him to blame you for his depression or anxiety, no other person can ever be held responsible for that. Maybe if you were having difficulties in your relationship that was affecting him negatively? But I expect if that was the case it would have affected you negatively too!

I'm sorry this is happening, but it does sound good that he is planning to come back and speak to you and he does want to keep up contact with your son
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  #32  
Old 14th September 2019, 18:02
shygirl2010 shygirl2010 is offline
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Default Re: Partner left me

No I'm not living at his parents house. Me and partner have been privately renting a house. His parents live in Devon which is a 3 hour drive away. We have had some arguments but always seem to resolve them and move on. He really hated his job and that's what started the argument as he wanted to just walk out his job but I was worried about rent and Bill's. It was like he just couldn't bare to go back to work so he left me and went down his parents so he didn't have to go back. It just feels rubbish now. I'm really struggling to cope. Our son has additional needs as well so hes very hard work and I think that put strain on our relationship.

Xx
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  #33  
Old 14th September 2019, 20:43
limey123 limey123 is offline
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Default Re: Partner left me

Quote:
Originally Posted by shygirl2010

and he was blaming his parents and upbringing for his depression and now it's me that's caused it and he needs to start a new life with his parents
I don't understand his logic then. Maybe now he's an adult he gets on with his parents better, though.

I'm sorry this has happened to you and your son. I think his behaviour is very poor and irresponsible. He needs to come and face you and talk the issues through like the adult he is supposed to be. As others have said, you can't just run away from your responsibilities as a parent of a young child.
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  #34  
Old 14th September 2019, 21:35
biscuits biscuits is offline
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Default Re: Partner left me

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dougella
I agree with you there, we don't have any of the facts from the other side so it's impossible to judge.

I know of people who had nervous breakdowns when they were parents, there wasn't anything they could do about it just because they had children! That's the same as saying someone shouldn't have a serious physical illness when they're a parent, it' can be impossible to prevent. Sometimes people do get in to such a state that they feel their family would be better off without them and take even more extreme measures.(I'm not suggesting that that's what's happening in this case at all)
Although Shygirl must be extremely hurt and upset by the situation atleast she knows where her partner is, it's not like he's disappeared without telling her where he was going. I really hope that after a bit of time he might be able to discuss and explain properly what's going on.
Precisely- thanks for putting it into better words than I was able to.

It's really unfair (and surprising on a MH forum) to make judgements about someone who doesn't have the opportunity to explain their feelings/actions.

I hope you're okay shygirl... and I hope in time that you can work things out x
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  #35  
Old 14th September 2019, 23:28
Dougella Dougella is offline
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Default Re: Partner left me

Quote:
Originally Posted by biscuits
Precisely- thanks for putting it into better words than I was able to.

It's really unfair (and surprising on a MH forum) to make judgements about someone who doesn't have the opportunity to explain their feelings/actions.

I hope you're okay shygirl... and I hope in time that you can work things out x
That's what I thought, it's impossible to judge the other side because we don't have all the information and the other person isn't here to put their point of view across.

And where mental health is concerned people's actions can sometimes appear a certain way from the outside when you don't have the understanding of that person from the inside.
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  #36  
Old 15th September 2019, 00:06
Dougella Dougella is offline
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Default Re: Partner left me

^ I know, and I don't disagree that his actions seem very bad from what's been said here so far. I suppose I would rather just offer support to Shygirl than pass too much judgement when we don't know exactly what her partner was feeling or what his reasons were.
But then I am coming from the perspective of someone whose parents split up and I was glad about it because them being together was awful and I don't have children myself. So maybe I would be reacting slightly differently if I was a parent!
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  #37  
Old 15th September 2019, 00:16
Utopia Utopia is offline
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Default Re: Partner left me

^^ It might be because of whatever emotional state he is in himself.

Nonetheless my sympathies are primarily with the mother and child, but depression is tough, and I know what it does to a person as I have it myself.
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  #38  
Old 15th September 2019, 00:41
Utopia Utopia is offline
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Default Re: Partner left me

^ Yep, it is a pain, don't think I could ever leave a woman alone like that though.
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  #39  
Old 15th September 2019, 01:14
Reformation Reformation is offline
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Default Re: Partner left me

It sounds like you may be the primary care giver to your son and your partner the provider? If so, is he still fulfilling all of his responsibilities to make sure you and your son have everything you need even though he has left the home?

I hope he is, as this is the right thing for him to do.

You asked if he suffers depression, should he even be alone with your child. Unless there's any specific safety reason why you would worry about him looking after his son alone, then no depression and anxiety isn't something that would directly lead to him not being able to look after his children.

Assuming he's a loving and doting father, i'd imagine he's keen to see him soon and regularly. You can encourage that, as the problems in your own relationship shouldn't affect your sons relationship with his parents. But this also gives you two the opportunity to sort through your own problems as you'll still be in touch with each other as you arrange him seeing his son. Good luck, hope things start looking up soon.
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  #40  
Old 15th September 2019, 07:58
shygirl2010 shygirl2010 is offline
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Default Re: Partner left me

I haven't been managing to feel this week as been in shock and feel devastated for my little boy. I have my parents close by and my two sisters who have been supporting. Not sure what to do about money and the house which is my main concern at the moment. I dont work so have been on benefits, I do wanna find part time work but need to find summit that works round the school run. I'm hoping I should get more money now I'm a single parent and can afford the rent and Bill's short term and going to have to see if landlord is happy with that and I will put name down on council waiting list as well. Not spoken to school yet but I have a meeting with his teacher and the senco on Tues so will tell them then but dreading it as might start crying. Thanks for all the support. Its helping me greatly. X
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  #41  
Old 15th September 2019, 09:27
Indigo_ Indigo_ is offline
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Default Re: Partner left me

I'm not a parent but I really agree with Consolida here. Based upon what shygirl has said here I think his behaviour is appalling. Mental health issues or not, you cannot simply walk away with no responsibilities. If he doesn't want to be with shygirl anymore then that is fair enough, he cannot be forced to stay in a relationship he doesn't want to be in but he still needs to be contributing financially.

He may have mental health issues but people with mental health issues can still be twats.
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  #42  
Old 16th September 2019, 13:10
shygirl2010 shygirl2010 is offline
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Default Re: Partner left me

Hi. Thanks for your support. Finally heard from partner but only by text and he is going to come down Saturday to see our son and collect the rest of his things. I just dont understand any of this so looks like he definitely wants to split up. I just love him so much and everyones telling me to do all these things and sort it all out and I haven't even seen him yet. Just dont know how to just move on like this.

Xx
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  #43  
Old 16th September 2019, 17:41
sophie123 sophie123 is offline
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Default Re: Partner left me

I'm so sorry shy girl but if he doesn't have the decency to even call you and runs to his mum when things get tough then he doesn't deserve your love,I know you don't think so just now but your son will help with keeping you busy and you will get over him in time.
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  #44  
Old 16th September 2019, 17:50
Utopia Utopia is offline
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Default Re: Partner left me

Yeah exactly, just get another man who actually cares about you enough not to do this to you. I don't know the details as to what you've done to make him leave you, it does seem quite odd.
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  #45  
Old 16th September 2019, 17:57
Indigo_ Indigo_ is offline
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Default Re: Partner left me

Quote:
Originally Posted by Utopia
I don't know the details as to what you've done to make him leave you.
Er...that needs rephrasing surely? Sounds like you're suggesting that she is to blame and made him walk away
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  #46  
Old 16th September 2019, 18:10
Utopia Utopia is offline
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Default Re: Partner left me

No, why would a guy just take all his things and leave for no reason? I mean she would know all the details but we only hear it from her perspective.

I mean if you were cheating on someone, your partner would in all likelyhood leave. Is it ok if she was cheating on him?

She seems very confused, so I don't think it was -- it just seems odd to do that to her.

If someone makes a mistake, they need to learn from it, although, admittedly she most likely isn't to blame at all. I was just thinking what would make me do that in that situation, because I certainly wouldn't break up with her and leave her alone with the child just because I was depressed and didn't like my job.
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  #47  
Old 16th September 2019, 18:16
Indigo_ Indigo_ is offline
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Default Re: Partner left me

I'm not suggesting that he left for no reason but this is a thread where the OP needs to be supported, not accused of cheating on her partner.
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  #48  
Old 16th September 2019, 18:20
Utopia Utopia is offline
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Default Re: Partner left me

^ Well I've done that, I don't feel I would do this just because I'm depressed -- no way. If you read the rest of what I've said, that one sentence was written out a lack of understanding as to why her partner would have done this. Depression and hating my job would not be enough make me leave my partner and child.
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  #49  
Old 16th September 2019, 18:22
Indigo_ Indigo_ is offline
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Default Re: Partner left me

^ But you're not her partner, you're a completely different person.

I highly doubt the OP would start a thread confused about why her partner had up and left if she had in fact been cheating. The reason behind him leaving would be fairly obvious to her wouldn't it?
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  #50  
Old 16th September 2019, 18:27
Utopia Utopia is offline
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Default Re: Partner left me

^ Well great point, there you go, in that case the reason should be clear but she might feel that same way if that's who she is in love with.

I am a completely different person, but I suffer with depression and I've been through breakups.

I don't know why you are picking on me when I've said so many other supportive things in this thread and I'm just simply being honest. I still have sympathy for her.
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  #51  
Old 16th September 2019, 18:31
Indigo_ Indigo_ is offline
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Default Re: Partner left me

^ I'm not picking on you. I simply wanted to challenge the comment that you made where you wondered what she had done to make him leave. I felt it was pretty insensitive and unsupportive to the OP.

I don't see why she has to have done something that caused him to leave her
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  #52  
Old 16th September 2019, 18:39
Utopia Utopia is offline
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Default Re: Partner left me

^ Yes, sorry, I think you misunderstood what I was saying. It wouldn't be the right thing to do to them.
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  #53  
Old 16th September 2019, 18:56
Utopia Utopia is offline
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Default Re: Partner left me

^ Well she shouldn't be wasting any sleep over him if he is that kind of person. No, you are probably right about it being him and not her, but I mean she would know what the argument was about, it's probably him just trying to have some control in his life.
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  #54  
Old 16th September 2019, 19:24
shygirl2010 shygirl2010 is offline
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Default Re: Partner left me

Hi everyone. I didn't cheat on him to clear that up lol. I dont think I did anything wrong. All I've ever done is tried to help him. I think what it boiled down to was the fact he hated his job and I even helped him to do his CV and apply for some jobs the day he left and then he just kinda said he cant go back to work and I just couldn't understand why he didn't wanna support his family so that's when we argued and then I had to pop out to do my sons prescription at doctors and when i came back he was packing all his things into his car and wouldn't talk to me when i asked and just said he has to go and just left and seems he is moving on and making a new life for himself so quickly. Just cant believe hes done this to me.

Shygirl xx
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  #55  
Old 16th September 2019, 19:27
Rocket Spud Rocket Spud is offline
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Default Re: Partner left me

Why does he hate his job? What's going on there?
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  #56  
Old 16th September 2019, 19:37
Reformation Reformation is offline
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Default Re: Partner left me

Good luck for Saturday Shygirl. I hope he is able to give you some time too, not just his son. Either to explain things so you have some more understanding and be left less confused, or (hopefully) potentially with view of you two fixing things.

This is why, if you want the best chance of making it work, try hard on your part not to fall into an argument. Where he could leave again in anger. If you're understanding and he plays his part too, he may open up and give you what you need to know to either make things work or understand why it is ending.

And if you have tried hard to make sure you're both in a good position to talk openly and honestly, and he doesn't fulfil his part in this, well you've got your answer and lots of people in this thread would have been right... he's not worth it as he didn't give your 9 year relationship the dignity is deserves.

I'm still thinking positively for you all though, I hope he pulls through for you. You love him and you have a family together, it's worth fighting for. I hope he thinks so too.
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  #57  
Old 17th September 2019, 14:58
shygirl2010 shygirl2010 is offline
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Default Re: Partner left me

Hi again. Decided not to contact my boyfriend for the last couple of days and then today he rings me to see how I am and if our son is ok and it still seems like he wants things to be over though as he said we also need to sort out house contract. The thing is if he gets a new job then there be no hope. I just get why he would wanna talk to me before the moving on process. Not sure how to approach Saturday when I see him because i still feel angry about what he did but i know that wont get me anywhere.

Shygirl xx
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  #58  
Old 17th September 2019, 15:02
Dougella Dougella is offline
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Default Re: Partner left me

^ Is there no chance for instance that you and your son could move to live with him where he is now? I realise that would be a huge change.

It's understandable that it will take you a long time to come to terms with what's happened and I think it's alright for you to be angry with him!
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  #59  
Old 18th September 2019, 12:43
shygirl2010 shygirl2010 is offline
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Default Re: Partner left me

Hello. Keep thinking if I move down there he might wanna give things another go but I'm so close to my family I think it would be really hard for me and our son. It seems he has just moved on. Hes having job interviews this week, hes changed his town on Facebook and hes uploaded some pictures and he looks really happy without me just dont understand how he can just walk out on me and move on like that after 9 year and I'm completely heartbroken and devastated.

Shygirl xx
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  #60  
Old 18th September 2019, 13:19
Marco Marco is offline
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Default Re: Partner left me

Shygirl, it's difficult to know what to think and how to advise or console you. For someone whom you have lived with and loved for over nine years and who is the father of your child to walk out on you like this without any warning or providing any reason must be devastating; but also the way he has conducted himself, as you describe, is unforgivable I think. To rub salt in the wound by posting happy pictures of himself on FB demonstrates to me a deeply callous and uncaring streak in his personality. It's quite shocking in fact! For the sake of your son you should try to maintain contact with him, but I think you'd be wise to move on from him yourself, as painful as that will be. Take care.
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