Is there a 'real you' under your anxiety?

[Appear]

I always used to feel like social anxiety stopped me from being the 'real me'. That underneath it is the more playful, relaxed and jokey person I tend to be with people I'm comfortable with, and that I was with everyone before anxiety struck around my teens.

Recently though I've been feeling like the awkward, socially anxious person I'd consider 'not really me' is actually me. And that's it. I don't know if it's having had it so long and - despite improvements - still being somewhat awkward and struggling socially. And maybe also being aware that lots of people do just see me as that awkward person, and me starting to believe they're right.

I also recently had a person at work who opened up to me about having autism heavily imply she thought I did too. It upset me, not because I'd have a problem with having it (I'm pretty sure I don't given its criteria), but because it shows that people still pick up on me struggling socially.

Bit of a brain dump. And I may be talking bollocks. Can anyone else relate/provide words of wisdom?

[Percy]

Oh yes, probably true for most people.

[MissKatie]

Oh definitely.
SA now only plays a tiny amount in my life, and I'm a confident, self assured, happier person who is calm, tolerant and understanding but strong enough to say NO if is needed.

SA killed that growing up. Having a strong emotion at something and then burying it deep down in case I would be judged on what I did/said.

[Chess&Junkfood]

I feel like the real me has checked out a long time ago and failed to leave a forwarding address. It was a mistake not to reach out for support back then. And in it's place I ended up creating a persona that acts like a shield. Where this shield has helped to protect me but has also imprisoned me. Even now I still can't bring myself to reach out for support. Although I am still journaling. Which feels like a slow process, but at least it's a process that is going in the right direction.

Please don't quote.

[Sunrise]

No, I just wish there was.

I always used to think that underneath there was a strong, confident, self-assured person desperately wanting to get out, but realistically that's just wishful thinking. The awkward mess you see before you is 100% the real me. No matter how much progress I make it's always there, there's no escaping it.

[Amara 94]

I feel like anxiety is part of my identity, like I’m naturally inclined to be anxious but I also feel like I’ve lost some of the natural identity I had as a child because I tried for so long to hide it that it’s hard to just be like I was in childhood.

[biscuits]

Good question and topic.

I feel like different versions of me in different situations. Anxiety and awkwardness play their part in most situations that I'm in because I rarely feel totally safe. Even if I'm full relaxed and able to speak freely, that feels dangerous because anything could pop out of my mouth haha.

I actually like it when people pick up on the fact that I struggle socially, because I do struggle socially. I always have this shame about it, so when it's mentioned then it feels like a huge relief that it's out there and I can discuss it openly. Then I find others make adjustments for it e.g. saying we can arrive and leave together. Then I start to feel a little less awkward and more sort of accepted. But I also feel a bit strange about it as well.

[anxiouslondoner]

I don't think there's a single real me, more like I'm a different person depending on who I'm with.
I don't know if any of them are fake or real. I think I don't really have a personality, I don't identify with anything. My sense of identity is very weak, almost nonexistent.

[Merry]

Not really.
I think it's kind of the opposite in a way in that growing up in an abusive household my core self is one that's withdrawn and completely unaware of my own feelings or thoughts, because I wasn't allowed to have any as a child.

I never had a relaxed, confident personality that somehow got hidden.
I was a lonely, withdrawn and un-formed child that became a lonely, withdrawn, socially anxious adult, with very little self awareness.

It's taken a long time to build any confidence but it's easily rattled, as it's hard to change core beliefs, but I'm still trying to work on building myself up into more of a holistic human, with genuine thoughts and feelings, rather than someone who is just a sum of their defensive mechanisms.
So actually maybe I mean yes? I mean there is, it's just that the real me is evolving as an adult, I didn't have chance to develop a self as a child.
It's quite confusing to think about.
I don't know if any of that makes sense.

[Marco]

I agree with others (Biscuits and Anxiouslondoner) that there are different versions of ourselves depending on the circumstances, who we’re with, and how we’re feeling at any given moment. I think this applies to everyone, not just anxious people.

[Appear]

Some really interesting responses. And quite a lot of variety in people's experiences too.

Chess, I think what you're saying is similar to me. Sad to read you feel that way. I'd definitely say we see a light-hearted, fun side to you here!




I knew I should have worded my original post better to stave off Goffman...

I completely agree that there isn't an essential, clearly bounded, enduring 'self' hiding somewhere within us. I guess what I was talking about more is our generalised perception of ourselves as a person across contexts, that might normally be reflected in what we conceive of as 'personality'. I know you can refute whether that perception is grounded in reality (I'd be the first to), but nonetheless most of us do perceive there to be a 'you' with somewhat consistent elements across context and time. Otherwise we'd never make generalised statements about ourselves like, 'I'm an anxious person', 'I'm a fun person', etc.

And I guess what I was trying to get at is that I used to feel like anxiety was separate to that consistent self and basically hid it. But now I'm starting to feel like it isn't separate but part of it. It's more about my perception of where anxiety sits in relation to myself, rather than where it actually is.

/still could be talking bollocks.

[billy_brown]

^ It's hard enough to try and find the right vocabulary to frame something as intangible as 'a self' before you even get started with things like other people's perceptions, multiple selves etc. Not bollocks at all btw. I guess seeing as everything around this subject is elusive and hard to define, maybe that gives us a free hand to choose whatever framing/analogy is easier/more helpful to work with?


@merry that makes sense and sounds familiar to me.

[NeverWas]

I have no real personality of my own. I frequently borrow other people's.

[gregarious_introvert]

What a great thread - and no bollocks whatsoever. I don't think my personality has ever been hidden (except perhaps online, where it's difficult to portray my humorous side), because autism brings everything close to the surface - I'm either "me" (whichever me that may be according to circumstance) or I'm reserved and shut down. In recent years, I have developed a filter (finally) and become more tactful, but it's still a slightly self-moderated me which the world sees. Usually (when appropriate), I let others know that I'm autistic and anxious, so I don't have to hide.

I've always had a strong sense of identity and considered myself self-aware (although that self-awareness is fluid - life is a learning curve and I'm still discovering new things about myself). If anything has been hidden, it's my confidence (it is possible to be confident in one's self but anxious about revealing it), but although I still feel that I can handle most situations, I'm not as confident as I used to be.

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[Merry]

^ Your posts are always so insightful, though I'm sorry that you are still living through your trauma.

That describes what I was trying to say (badly) is that I don't think there has been a chance for a "real" me to develop. Social anxiety isn't something I need to treat for the real me to shine through.
But I am trying to develop my "authentic self" (apologies to everyone if that sounds a bit nobby!)
I hope you are able to do that too at some point. I think it's harder than just showing your true self, as, like you say, the true self is kind of stunted and withered away, it's more like trying to build it and show it at the same time, so the sense of self gets stronger, not weaker.

[choirgirl]

Appear, you come across as jokey and playful on here, fwiw, so I can believe that's real you.

I have always assumed there is a real me somewhere. I did hack off a few bits of myself, although most of me was still intact, enough to be getting on with, meant to retrieve them somehow, didn't quite get there, had to hack off more to cope with more stuff, and went sort of numb. When I'm angry, I wonder if I should have hacked off different bits in my formative years. I think at first I wanted to destroy as little of me as possible so that is why I made the choices I did.

I'm now sort of seeing myself as a human with a particular temperament reacting to various experiences and influences, and I'm just the sum of that. In that case, is there a real self? And certainly, I have always been in some kind of conflict between different parts, often multiple ones.

I also find I'm rarely truly relaxed, but when I was younger I could cope much better. Maybe I just had more energy, maybe I was getting more positive than negative from being around others. I actually have craved more alone time than most people since adolescence at least, and that's probably a neurodivergent thing.

[Hopeforme]

This is a really interesting question with equally interesting replies. I think like so many of us here, I wanted to believe underneath there was a strong, confident man there but covered up and inhibited by social anxiety. Sometimes, just for very short periods of time I do get a burst of higher confidence compared to my baseline. It seems short lived. don't know though if I could say that is the 'real me' popping out.

When I look at photos of myself at prep school and think back to how I was then, I realise that social anxiety, low self-confidence and low self-esteem were things back then. It's just that it got worse and worse over time and over the years, creeping ever slowly downwards until one day I had a full-blown case of it and was really in it. It's become part of my thinking, feeling and behaving now. Social anxiety runs through everything. I find it hard to dis-identify with it.

[Hopeforme]

Just had a thought. Mayyybe social anxiety is something I have rather than who I am. But when you've had it for so long and so severely it shapes and molds your personality such that you end up basically having thoughts, feelings and behaviours that are so coloured with social anxiety that you end up being a socially anxious character. But if that anxiety can go then there is the freedom to develop a personality that is different and who you want to be.

[Spuggy]

Its a good question and one that I've asked myself many times.

When im really struggling or just feeling down, I'll often have a mini emotional breakdown at the frustration that my kids will have never met the 'real me' as they mostly see (though I try my utmost to hide it) this character that can make odd decisions and have slightly unusual behaviours.

it was much easier to hide it when the kids were younger but now that theyre in their teens, theyre not as easy to fool.

Having spent so much of my time flipping between the relaxed me, when Im either on my own, with my wife or the right friends and the SA riddled nervous persona its hard to know who is the real me.

Youre certainly not alone. I wish I could offer some advice on this one but Im still muddling through it at 47!