please tell me about you. (a bit long)

empathy · #1 9th October 2011, 18:50

Okay, well after reading a few post's on the forum I have come to realise there are different levels of SA. I thought for years I was just anti-social as that's what my family use to say to me.

Anyway, I have come to realise that I am not anti-social.

A bit about me-

I was brought up by my mum by a black family who never liked us as we had white features. Our dads family, didn't like us either as they considered us black and always mis-treated us. I started to feel uncomfortable within myself due to not being accepted and then out of me and my sister I would get picked on most as I had the green/blue eyes brown long curly hair and complexion.

I was abused both at home and school and this continued to happen throughout my life. I was also ill so people saw me differently, and when I didn't pass my GCSE's and was in hospital a lot I was seen a failure.

I stopped attending partys I was invited to from about age 14 and family functions. I started to hesitate before leaving the house as every time I left the house everyone would stare at me because of my looks (this has always happened but only started affecting me then.

I started to txt people instead of call them and if the phone rang and I didn't know who it was I wouldn't answer it. The house phone I would prefur to watch ring than answer.

Now I hesitate before going out and always ask myself if I MUST leave the house. When I'm out I walk as fast as I can and try avoid eye contact. I find that when I do look up I look straight at the floor again. I have found I hold my breath a lot too when outside.

I'm always jumpy and scared which means the most smallest noise like say a balloon popping would scare the life out of me. I am soo uncomfortable with walking it makes me feel like I'm walking like a idiot.

When talking I can't hold a conversation and feel very intimidated if you stare me in the eyes. I can't look in one place, so my eyes are seemenly not settled on one spot (like I'm waiting for something bad to happen).

Talking is horrible for me, I'm so self concious about everything just being me is nerve wrecking. I'm quiet 24/7 and I refuse to speak unless spoken to.

I want to hear about everyone else to see if I am normal when it comes to SA or not.

Comrade Joshua · #2 9th October 2011, 19:16

I'm 16 with an older step brother and a little sister. I have lived in the same house with my parents all my life. we get on prety well i act silly and joke around them but i find it uncomfortable talking to them about anything serious and they are not very understanding when it comes to my SA, they just say to get on with it or tell me to make an effort, my mum is so mis-understanding that she calls me anitsocial and tell me to be more nice around people even though i try my hardest and i am generaly nice and try to help every one i can.

I was bullied at secondary school when ever i shared my opinion and this made me not join in conversations just sit and listen to what other people have to say. speaking feels painful and like a hard job, i don't know how to explain it, it when i speak out in public i feel that i am watching and listening to me self from a 3rd person perspective.

Anyway bullying made me become quiet out in public, i am too scared to talk to people.

i also think that everyone is judging me and because of my experience with bullying i feel that no one likes me. I have very few friends and only 2 that i can talk to about my SA. i feel like everything i do wrong makes people dislike me, i am quite critical of myself too if i make a mistake i beat my self up about it. i am very self concious.

i also flinch and twitch sometimes which makes me even more uncomfortable as i think people are seeing these un-smooth movements and think im strange or wierd.

Mr. Nobody · #3 9th October 2011, 19:37

yes Empathy,..
I'd say you have normal symptoms of SA,.. as far as I'm aware,..
though your post made for very sad reading,.. made me realise that although you would probably be said to have "normal" symptoms of SA as far as that goes,.. it does make me see how sad and unfair so many of our situations and lifestyles are,.. it makes me angry that we often suffer unnecessarilly at other's hands.

have you visited your GP or been referred for counselling / therapy ?

empathy · #4 9th October 2011, 19:47

I find that interesting as I moved out of my family home when I was 17. I don't talk to my family about SA and the only one that knows I have it is my mum who doesn't really remember I have it half the time.

It's funny that people say we are anti-social, when I said this to my therapist she told me to get it right out my head and stop thinking I'm anti-social. And again like you said, because I don't like to socialise, when I do people say I have a mean streak/vibe to me.

I can see myself in you a lot, especially with the bullying and thinking people are judging us.

Why do you flinch or fidget?

JazzGuy · #5 9th October 2011, 19:54

You're not alone. Loud noises get to me too. I was sitting in a waiting room a few weeks ago, which was bad enough, when someone dropped their keys. It made a loud noise and I flinched and then had to really struggle not to cry.

I used to be the same as you with going outside but I'm alright with that now. I used to walk as fast as I could too. Got so bad at one point I would only go out in the dead of night when there was no one about and walk as fast as I could to the all-night shop. I'm actually more comfortable outdoors than in nowadays so that shows how things can change.

Comrade Joshua · #6 9th October 2011, 20:02

i just get nervous and instead of a smooth movement, my muscles just flinch slightly it only happens to my head most of the time. this only happens to me rarely

empathy · #7 9th October 2011, 20:05

Alcoyne

Yeah I have had counselling throughout the whole of myy teenage life, and I was recently referred for CBTherapy but after 1 session they stopped it and said I needed a psychiatric evaluation because of the dissociation I suffer, and tbh I think that was just to 'get rid of me' as that was about a month ago and haven't seen them since. So, there is no more therapy

MalcolmXYZ · #8 9th October 2011, 22:44

Hi - it's disgraceful that a follow-up hasn't been offered to you in the last month. I really hope you will contact them in case there's been an administrative error. It's our health service and you're entitled to it so please do follow up with a call or letter.

Chris

empathy · #9 10th October 2011, 00:10

Hi chris,

You see this is what happenes with me, I get thrown from one person to another and nobody can be bothered to read my histrory because there is A LOT and when they find that out they try passing me on.

I have always felt like I am to much of a problem nobody can help me. I felt this with my illness at first. Started wondering how bad was bad. And they say everything that's broken can be fixed but then who's to say it's broken, and when it is who will fix?

After years of being thrown from one place to another I eventually give up and rectify my own errors.

MalcolmXYZ · #10 10th October 2011, 20:37

You sound like you need somebody on your side. In this case I would recommend calling Rethink just to have an independent chat about what you're going through and what can be done about it - they specialise in advice on what you can do, particularly what support's out there for you - that is why it's there - FOR YOU when it's needed.

0300 5000 927 or 0207 840 3188 (10am - 1pm)

I used to have the symptom which you described with difficulty walking. I felt like I was being watched intensely and almost forgot how one goes in front of the other. When that disappeared other worries took it's place. When things just aren't right it's either one thing or the other! But it can get better with time and support I promise you.

Brutalness · #11 10th October 2011, 22:48

hi there a lot of what you say i can under stand

being called anti-social being diffront from your family when out walking i do the same head down go as fast as i can or so don't pick up the house phone ect

i know what it like haveing to fight for help but keep fighting and u will get there with the fight i have had to do has been very hard but it or most over i have been doing CBT for months and months now 1 time aweek and not not been helping me so to find what will work 4 me has been the hard bit as all thay said well with the cuts don't think we will take you on and so on

this made me very low and i have lost all of larst month all i can rember from it is seeign it was the 2nd and the netx hour it was like the 23rd

my hart gose out to you and hope u find the help you need gl *hugs*

justdo · #12 12th October 2011, 20:44

I think you need to try to not to over-think things and not hesitate so much. Like when you are walking, try to focus on your surroundings or your plans for the day rather than on how you might be walking. If you just get on with things instead of thinking what might (but probably won't) go wrong then that may help quite a lot because it's helped me alot of times.

I started to txt people instead of call them and if the phone rang and I didn't know who it was I wouldn't answer it. The house phone I would prefur to watch ring than answer.

Now I hesitate before going out and always ask myself if I MUST leave the house. When I'm out I walk as fast as I can and try avoid eye contact. I find that when I do look up I look straight at the floor again. I have found I hold my breath a lot too when outside.

I'm always jumpy and scared which means the most smallest noise like say a balloon popping would scare the life out of me. I am soo uncomfortable with walking it makes me feel like I'm walking like a idiot.

When talking I can't hold a conversation and feel very intimidated if you stare me in the eyes. I can't look in one place, so my eyes are seemenly not settled on one spot (like I'm waiting for something bad to happen).

Talking is horrible for me, I'm so self concious about everything just being me is nerve wrecking. I'm quiet 24/7 and I refuse to speak unless spoken to.
[/QUOTE]

empathy · #13 12th October 2011, 22:01

Quote:

Originally Posted by MalcolmXYZ

You sound like you need somebody on your side. In this case I would recommend calling Rethink just to have an independent chat about what you're going through and what can be done about it - they specialise in advice on what you can do, particularly what support's out there for you - that is why it's there - FOR YOU when it's needed.

0300 5000 927 or 0207 840 3188 (10am - 1pm)

I used to have the symptom which you described with difficulty walking. I felt like I was being watched intensely and almost forgot how one goes in front of the other. When that disappeared other worries took it's place. When things just aren't right it's either one thing or the other! But it can get better with time and support I promise you.

I have never called a help-line before and wouldn't even know where to begin with what to say to them. I don't even know what's going on with me, I don't understand it so how do I expect them to?

You said you use to have symptoms like this, do you know what it is?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brutalness

hi there a lot of what you say i can under stand

being called anti-social being diffront from your family when out walking i do the same head down go as fast as i can or so don't pick up the house phone ect

i know what it like haveing to fight for help but keep fighting and u will get there with the fight i have had to do has been very hard but it or most over i have been doing CBT for months and months now 1 time aweek and not not been helping me so to find what will work 4 me has been the hard bit as all thay said well with the cuts don't think we will take you on and so on

this made me very low and i have lost all of larst month all i can rember from it is seeign it was the 2nd and the netx hour it was like the 23rd

my hart gose out to you and hope u find the help you need gl *hugs*

Thank you. I'm glad I'm not alone in what I do or how I feel. I feel like I'm splitting in half and I'm also close to loosing control. Thanks for understanding.

Quote:

Originally Posted by justdo

I think you need to try to not to over-think things and not hesitate so much. Like when you are walking, try to focus on your surroundings or your plans for the day rather than on how you might be walking. If you just get on with things instead of thinking what might (but probably won't) go wrong then that may help quite a lot because it's helped me alot of times.

I try to take my mind off things, I try txting while walking (then I realised I haven't mastered the art yet) so I tryed being on the phone when I'm out, which helps A LOT until we have to end the call. Iv tried music, which was good, until I started to notice I couldn't hear the world when they spoke to me (made me even more anxious)

Tryed to think about the days planns and how fun or watnot but that don't help. I went to meet my mum the other day, and I found that I held my breath the whole of my journey and when I saw my mum it was like a big relif.

I'm fine if I'm with people, if I'm not..... (Which 99.9% of the time I'm not) I'm like this.

xTKsaucex · #14 12th October 2011, 22:08

Basically,

a load of crap happened from 1994 - 2009, 2010 got diagnosed with Bi Polar Type II, then I left high school and life has been alreet since.

Now at uni and so far so good.

mhealer3 · #15 13th October 2011, 00:53

hi friend,
i'm sorry you have nobody there 2 support u.
i grew up rejected also, & i didn't realize how it made me so terrified of life.
when i went to a small 2 year college it was brutal due to the choking panic i suffered whenever i was 'put on the spot' to execute a task for a grade.
still, it was not as bad as the huge university i had tried first.
i couldn't go there more than a few days...huge auditorum style classes.(uugghh).
i think i would have felt better back then-- just knowing what anxiety was about,
so i could understand that i wasn't just a freak or a complete loser.
because that's how i felt & i wanted to die.
i want you to know that you will get better, but it takes time & experimenting with what
works 4 u. i use some herbal relaxants like valerian sometimes.
other people need prescriptions. they are great, but people tend to get very
dependent on them. (i use them rarely,for occasions i can't just avoid--but would like 2).
everyone's tolerance of discomfort is different, but many of the alcoholics you meet
are just suffering from sa but they choose to self-medicate with booze.
you can choose 2 avoid certain things when they are too much for you.
you don't need permission from others,
but i do know people sometimes think i'm unfriendly, because i don't socialize.
i don't bother giving people details or long explainations anymore--
i just say have other committments.
your personal things will never be appreciated by most people, they just don't get it.
so please take comfort that we are here for you.
most of all: let God Love you. He's never angry or judging, since Jesus died 4 us.
be blessed.
new york mama