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#1
18th March 2013, 23:36
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SA at work
OK, this is a bit of a rant as I've had quite a crap day at work today so here goes...
My anxiety around people at work is really getting to me. Its little things such as being too shy to even say hello to someone or to nod/smile at them, feeling like I'm not contributing enough to conversations, and feeling disliked and a laughing stock because of how socially incompetent I am. For example, today a colleague passed me and said "Hi". She briefly chatted about her weekend but I went straight into frightened mode and just ended up acknowledging what she was saying without offering any input of my own, even though I could relate to what she was talking about. Then we were both sat on our own at lunch and I started telling myself that I should have gone and sat with her but I was too scared to incase I froze again and struggled to speak. Then she would find me boring and find an excuse to finish her lunch early and leave. I feel as if most people in my office know each other, either as friends, acquaintances or familiar faces. There are cliques of people who are friends, and they are able to have a social life together in addition to their own personal friends outside of work. This isn't based on concrete evidence but these people seem so happy and confident that I can't imagine anything other. All I can muster is a few words to people who sit near me, and in terms of work friends there is only one guy in the office who I can class as this. I know there will be social events coming up and naturally I will go to them - a) to make an effort and b) it beats being sat at home on my own while everyone else is having a great time, then talking about it the following Monday. However I can just imagine myself being there and not having much interaction with people and feeling really inferior, then feeling upset/emotional and wanting to leave early. These experiences really just confirm how I feel about myself. I feel so rubbish and hate myself for who I am. From time to time I have bouts of emotional confidence and feel a glimmer of hope, but that soon dies and reality hits me again. I feel like most of my life has been a waste and just don't want to be who I am. I want to be confident and be able to make friends quickly and easily, have a social life, and not to feel pathetic and weird in everyone else's eyes. I have tried working through confidence self help books but I just can't change the person I am. Even if I achieve things (in and outside of work) and make the odd friend here and there I will just despise myself and wish that I could have turned out different, even though I know that looking back doesn't help at all. A lot of random thoughts came out there so this may appear as a mixed up rant but often it only takes a little minor occurence of something to trigger these feelings and realise how unhappy I am in myself. I just had to get these out as like I said I feel really rubbish after today  Thanks for reading. Its an achievement if you have. Needless to say if anyone else is experiencing similar thoughts please feel free to post them on this thread. 
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#2
19th March 2013, 04:11
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Re: SA at work
Maybe you could try and make small talk like as her what she did for the weekend or what you are having for lunch. You may have things go common related to work so you could talk about this, i know it isn't easy when you are quiet and feel like everyone else in the world is loud, i think the more you work at this the better you will get :-)
I am ok at chatting to people know just not so good with complete strangers
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#4
19th March 2013, 14:29
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Re: SA at work
Wow. This does't sound like a mixed up rant at all. This is almost exactly how i feel too. You're not alone.
If i could offer some advice, you say a colleague made the first move and wanted to chat to you. This is a positive thing, i would consider this having a good day. Ok you missed an opportunity to go over and chat over lunch but there will be plenty more. You assume she will find you boring but you have evidence showing she does want to talk to you. Next time do it. You also say you can imagine what will happen and how you will feel at a social event. This is a self fulfilling prophecy. Imagine yourself feeling comfotable, think of one or two things you would feel comfortable saying or asking. When you do manage this it will be a real achievement. Like i say i am in a similar situation and i know this is easier said than done. Hope this helps. You are welcome to message me too.
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#5
19th March 2013, 15:10
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Re: SA at work
Hi Macca
I could've pretty much wrote what you did. I've only been at my company about a year where all the others have worked together for many more and know alot about each other and their personal lives, when they're talking I dont have a clue what they're on about. The only good thing about my job is that I spend quite long periods of time on my own but then when I do have to mix with the others I feel quite isolated and a outsider. My boss is really sociable and outgoing and I struggle to keep conversations going with him, he likes taking us all out to lunch every few months which sounds fantastic but is a nightmare for me being sat at a table with all my colleagues, usually red faced as I blush alot even when just saying hi to someone. Sorry I dont have any real advice except a understanding of what its like.
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#6
19th March 2013, 17:54
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Re: SA at work
Like me, im sure a lot of people on here read your post and thought "wow this could have been written by me!". Everyday in work is like that for me really.
Maybe we should just accept that this is life and this is who we are. Everyone is different and we dont know what goes on in the minds of people who outwardly seem so happy. Ive tried to beat social anxiety but now ive sort of reached a point where im focusing more on accepting it and living with it and trying to be happy despite it.
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#9
20th March 2013, 07:26
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Re: SA at work
Quote:
Sometimes the reasons are because of justified reasons, such as alot of challenges in comparison to comfort and sometimes you need more comfort to feel right in your job. you can only work on improving the areas within your control, such as relaxed breathing, drinking water to stay hydrated, protein shakes are also good, even in an office the workload can make you dehydrated because of adrenaline. so the physical affect can be similar to working a hard physical day outside. also you need to be able to block out everyone whilst you focus on work, its not easy but listen to music or even wear ear plugs, as long as you can still hear the phone ring. try and switch off the room noise and banter. I have found that usually teams at work can be a mess. when you get 5 really nice people with humility and empathy and everyone is nice, its a great place to work. when you get a group of egos and smug people together it's just confusing and frankly uncomfortable.
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#10
20th March 2013, 10:30
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Re: SA at work
I have been working at various places since the last 13 years and I have never talked much with colleagues except work related chat. I take the attitude that I don't care what they think about me behind my back but as a human being somewhere deep down I really care about what other people think about me.
I don't the solution other than just to carry on or try to change yourself which is easier said than done. I just accept it that I will always be the quiet one.
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#11
20th March 2013, 19:43
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Re: SA at work
This is very much how I am at work. Sometimes I can go a whole day and barely speak to anyone (excluding telephone conversations). I don't have any work friends and on the rare occasions that there are any social events organised outside of work I never go, as I feel that I would be unwelcome. Also, I would go as far as saying that my social anxiety at work is actually getting worse, rather than better, even though I've now been in my job over two years. I feel as though I am being judged negatively by people all the time.
The only positive points are that there is one guy who always goes out of his way to say "Hi" to me, which is because he is a very sociable type of person. Also, my manager seems to like me and appreciates the work that I do. I don't have much to offer in the way of advice, but I hope that things improve for you, Macca82. 
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#12
20th March 2013, 21:27
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Re: SA at work
Thanks folks for all your kind responses. Most of you sound just like me and on reading some posts I was fascinated at how you guys could have written what I'd written. Nice!
 I agree it was positive that my colleague said "Hi" to me and briefly chatted to me. There are quite a few people who will smile and say "Hi" to me when, for example, I go to make a drink at the workstation. Whilst I am flattered that they are not just ignoring me and in some cases actually want to talk, I get so frustrated with myself that I can't relax with them and contribute more to the conversation, and then I worry that they won't want anything to do with me again and will moan about me to their co-workers. Can somebody please tell me - am I just being mega paranoid and reading too much into the whole thing? Or is it classic SA? Or both??  Considering that I spend most of my time in work (don't we all!) I would just like to be able to have more social interactions there and feel part of a clique. Yes I know that I am going there to earn money, not to make friends, but I would just like to feel more comfortable with people and feel accepted. At the end of each day I usually leave work feeling down in the dumps, when I should be happy about going home. However this may have something to do with the different moods of a human being during the day i.e. one may feel more energetic in the morning but after a day at work may feel more mentally tired and so they feel more irritable/depressed  Claire74 - I know exactly what you mean about your boss taking you and your team out for lunch. I have had this several times in the past, across different jobs, and just feel so rubbish about myself as I don't feel I fit in with my colleagues on a social level and as we are not in the office I can't focus on my work while everyone chats, I just have to sit there and watch them This is certainly a key feature of my SA at work.Thorn - I have a feeling that if there was a company where only SA people worked, we might actually talk to each other quite a bit as we would feel more relaxed about ourselves being with like minded people, IMO anyway Apologies for any negative content above folks, but its important to me that I share these thoughts
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#13
20th March 2013, 23:36
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Re: SA at work
Quote:
i work in a small practice so and i cannot begin to know what it is like to work with more people around u. the thought is truly frightening. There was this one instance where I tried to initiate a conversation with somebody at work, I remember saying ‘have a good weekend?’ she said something, I couldn’t understand exactly what, but something along the lines of being tired. I then was about to say something, lost my nerve and muttered the word ‘hope……..’ and then stopped because I really was thinking hard about what to say next. I was so embarrassed because she paused and I looked confused. I was thinking so hard that I just froze.  Sometimes my boss gives me a lift home from work so I have to try and talk to him in car. I sit their planning what to say before work finishes and plan how to space out the questions so I will not be silent but most of the time I still can’t think of anything. So on these journeys home he would do most of the talking and quite a lot of the time I can only say ‘oh right’ or ‘yeah’ or try to fake laugh because tbh we really have nothing in common and we are at such a different level in terms of knowledge and experiences I literally know nothing. I mean don’t get me wrong they are really nice people at my work but I feel so socially inept that simple conversation is alien to me. If I could give you any advice it will be just to keep soldiering on. Ur doing well in the sense that ur still working despite all the difficulties u mentioned above. It takes a lot of will power to carry on and keep going so I want you to feel proud that you still continue to do it. U are not alone anyway I have so many experiences of this in only a small office. Anyway macca, hope u feel better and gd luck with work.
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#14
21st March 2013, 09:31
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Re: SA at work
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So don't get too canught up on that side of things, i think its better to make friends in much more casual and relaxed settings then at work. It's too weird at work, there is alot of ego and fakeness at work.
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#15
22nd March 2013, 16:27
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Re: SA at work
Well, I made it through your post Macca, so I achieved something today right?
I have not worked for a living for twenty years, but I remember feeling much like you when I did work an office job. In my lunch break I wanted to stay alone because I was more comfortable that way, but at the same time it's seen as odd to be a loner, I would go for long walks outside so as not to be noticed on my own, anything to avoid the awkward silences that would ensue if I had to eat with others. Nothing much has changed since then, but due to long term mental health problems I have been spared the need to work for many years.I feel for you.
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#16
23rd March 2013, 11:35
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Re: SA at work
I don't understand why we are expected to pretend to have the same interests and 'fake' laugh. Is that what life is really about? Isn't it about making connections with people who share your values and principles. The people you work with never began as your friends, they are just random people your forced to be with. Instead of worrying over whether they like you, ask yourself do you even like them. If the answer is closer to 'no' then who cares whether they think your a loner or a freak.
I welcome the awkward silences, I can sit with co-workers and not feel the need to say anything, unless of course I genuinely like them in which case the conversation should be effortless. The truth is, I first try to learn the type of person am dealing with, often co-workers just back stab and gossip. They insult someone behind their backs and then are nice to their face. I've questioned why they do this, its often to do with just keeping the peace and creating a bond through hate, jelousy and often just boredom. But its fake, manipulative and in-human, they are the abnormal ones not you.
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#17
23rd March 2013, 15:38
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Re: SA at work
Hi Macca. I can relate to pretty much all you said in your post. Ive been in my workplace for decades and still feel a lot like that. I noticed that you say you usually attend work related social functions so that in itself tells me you have the potential to be successful socially. I never attend work related social stuff ( or any non related social stuff for that matter lol) because I just generally cant socialise - I honestly cannot hold a conversation for more than a few minutes and feel really awkward with people.
As for break times at work, I just take a daily paper and its up to others to interact with me if they really want to - and if they do I have immediate small talk available in the shape of that days latest scandals and propaganda! Dont be too hard on yourself though because most of the more confident people you encounter at work will probably have the same fears as you about not being accepted by co-workers, they are just better at dealing with those fears.
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#19
12th April 2013, 19:26
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Re: SA at work
Hi,
I have had another horrible day in relation to my SA at work. I thought it more appropriate to re-open this thread rather than start a new one. Thanks for the further comments and advice following my initial reply. Goldfish, I certainly welcome what you say about work not being the place to look for friends and Julian 3000 I agree that the people we work with were not originally our friends and that they are just people we are forced to be with. It is still very depressing for me however that the people around me appear to be groups of friends but its as if I am not wanted in any of the groups. I can only think there is something drastically wrong with me if I can***8217;t create close relationships with people I spend 8 hours a day, 5 days a week with. Tonight somebody was having a leaving night out and lots of people around the office were planning in their groups to go. Although I was included on the e-mail announcement, nobody, even those who I feel well enough acquainted with, asked me if I was coming. So they are now having a wonderful night out and I am stuck at home missing out! This seems to be the story of my life! It is bringing back really harrowing and distressing memories of a previous job I had. Everybody in the department got on really well with each other and they were like one big group of friends, but they froze me out simply for being quiet and reserved. In fact it went to the extent that they did not like me and tried to have nothing to do with me, yet I was polite to people and tried to make conversation, but they clearly saw me as pathetic and weird and so just excluded me as if I was unimportant and worthless! Needless to say I didn***8217;t get invited on any nights out and was the ultimate social outcast. I***8217;ve slowly been coming to the awful realisation that I am stuck like this for the rest of my life. I can***8217;t make friends with anyone I meet. I will never be able to enjoy works nights out like everyone else. I will never be confident. I will never be happy and able to accept myself. Other people will never accept me. I will never feel comfortable around people. So I am thinking to myself - This is it. My life feels like its over. Apologies everyone for yet another long rant. I just can***8217;t see any hope for myself and I am at my wits end with it. I don***8217;t have any friends that I see regularly so can***8217;t meet up with someone to talk to them about this. As with the OP, if you***8217;ve read this you***8217;ve done well. Apologies too if I sound extreme and dramatic but this is really how everything feels now. I don***8217;t expect people to respond unless they want to, but I just really had to get this off my chest tonight. Thanks for reading.
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#20
13th April 2013, 09:36
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Re: SA at work
Quote:
None of the group are really friends. But they do hang out together at lunch time and all are really good at joking around and have similar blokey personalites. Their lingo is very similar, they share similar wit and interests. So of course, they are going to gel together. But this just means that perhaps it's the wrong industry to make friends in, even though the work is somewhat enjoyable, well, sometimes. some people are more suited to individual roles in a job, separate from departments, or may be suited to a desk job, customer service, something that keeps them busy all day. there are many different scenarios But so many work places have different dynamics. I wouldn't take it to heart at all. Just accept that you are a certain way, i mean, you said you show interest, you are pleasant. Maybe you don't have to be close friends with your work colleagues. many prefer to separate work from their outside lifestyle. The most important thing. I remember being friends with 3 very talkative co-workers, we worked together and would eat lunch together, but before that they were very solitary and had the same issues in regards to, finding it hard to make relationships at work. This coming from the most talkative people i've ever met. So what does that ell you? I think it tells you that work places are complex, clique places, and that even very chatty people find certain work environments difficult. Also picture the world, there are so many work places. think about the two work places nearest you, one may be suited to you, the other may be even more suited, but nobody really knows, unless they look for the work space that really suits them. It's way too complex to even worry about. I think you're doing fine as it is. I have worked places where i was in a group of friends, and once 2 of those people left the job, i no longer had a group, and would eat out at a cafe alone instead, so that shows you how things can change or swing from one situation to another. There will be many places that are just hard to join into, because they could be cliquey, there could be politics. the set up makes it difficult to join into. also you may find the fakeness, or the work-role-hat of people to be somewhat uncomfortable. What you could try is to find one person you click with and ask them if they want to go somewhere for lunch, or just ask show more interest in those people.
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