Spilling the beans.

[bang]

Hello.

How do all you charming people out there feel about telling your close friends about your personal problems? And if you have already done so, who how was it for you?

I'm currently still firmly residing in the Social Anxiety closet and am content to be perceived as merely weird. A quiet man who kept himself to himself the news reports would say.

Even if people are overtly sensitive to the issue at hand I feel I would just ultimately run the risk of being labelled as different and weak which in turn would just reinforce my self nullifying behaviour. Oh cruel fate! Why do you mock me with your lame paradoxical twists?

People are intrinsically afraid of confronting jarring emotional truths, many of which are often implicitly taboo, this is especially true if you***8217;re a rugged stud of a man such as myself (I have a tattoo, love guns, almost never shave and wrestle bears almost daily).

I would sincerely love to print out the de facto definition for social phobia on clean crisp white sheets of A4, smell them, staple them and distribute them freely throughout the suburbs, but is it really worth the stigma?

Also, if you do feel acutely hopeless and surprisingly suicidal, is it morally ethical to tell someone how you feel. Surely you***8217;re placing an unfair and lofty burden on said person, especially if you actually perform the aforementioned deed. They after all will have to live with the guilt the rest of their lives, even if they do really suck for not coming through for you in your darkest hour anyway. Those bastards.

[bang]

Hi Bang. Great question and kudos on your unique brand of pithy dialogue and punchy electric style pros. I think the answer is yes, but only when the sun is in its second Solstice. Hope that helps. Bye!

[bozrena]

I found it easy to tell my friends - I have an online diary (www.opendiary.com) where I post personal stuff and most of them read that. Also I sad down with another of my friends over coffee and it came out randomly in the conversation.

Unfortunately I had no choice about teling my parents because my mum found my medication & it was a case of either telling her or letting her think I was on drugs. (my landlady did anway cos I was depressed all the time so my room was a mess & I hardly ever left it)

[Innervision]

I only keep a very small group of what I'd call 'close friends'. In fact, I only have 2 long-standing friends - one male, one female.
I've known one (the male) since 1987 and the other since 1995.

I've told both something of my issues. The female friend a whole lot more than the male friend. In fact, my female friend knows as much about me as my partner. I talk with her because she is simply one of those wonderful people in life who are fantastically understanding and non-judgemental - no matter what you tell them. A rare gem indeed.

I've told my male friend less, but only because I'm not sure it's an area he is familiar talking about and maybe also an area he may not be too interested in exploring deeper. He's also a gem, but we just don't go as deeply into stuff as maybe we could. I trust him totally though, so if he wanted to get to know more I'd tell him.

I've also made some really good friends at college. My subject is a mental health and social care one, so being open with my colleagues has been easy. They know a lot about my issues, but some more than others.

Since coming out of the SA closet I've not had a single negative reaction from anyone. Maybe I've been lucky, or maybe I've just been very choosy over who I tell, but no, not one negative reaction from anyone I've told since 'coming out' in 2002.

I have to add, though, that in the past I've been very much suicidal and in utter and total despair. In those days I never ever told anyone the true extent of my feelings. I didn't want to burden people who could never understand anyway. They struggled with what they did know, so exposing the hell that was my true inner feelings was just not an option open to me. How do you tell a parent that you hate life and never wanted to live for a single day since being born? How do you tell them that only for your guilt over what it would do to them, you'd have killed yourself long ago? How can you expect people who employ the 'stiff upper lip' and 'pull yourself together' way of being to understand even a fraction of what is going on in a mind so incredibly messed up that your only ambition in life is to survive another day?

In all honesty, what in the world can we expect from those around us anyway? Mental health professionals have their work cut out when they attempt to help us, so our loved ones and friends are going to feel quite helpless aren't they? I don't hold anything against those who were not up to helping me.

If I knew then what I know now, I'd make sure I accessed counsellors/therapists a lot soner, and actually engaged with them properly. At least you can tell these people the horrible, dirty, nasty and depressing truth about how you feel. All this without the potential guilt for imposing our issues on people who can't handle them, such as maybe some friends and loved ones.

Anyway, I'm glad I 'spilled the beans' on my SA. It took the burden of having to hide it away from me. I used to try to hide it all the time in order to 'appear normal'. If it did show through I'd see it as a complete disaster. At least now, if it shows it's no big deal because the people who know me also know I'm SA anyway. Strangely enough, now I don't have to desperately try to hide it, it surfaces a whole lot less.

[Mr Ron Burgundy]

Originally Posted by bang

Hello.

How do all you charming people out there feel about telling your close friends about your personal problems? And if you have already done so, who how was it for you?

I'm currently still firmly residing in the Social Anxiety closet and am content to be perceived as merely weird. A quiet man who kept himself to himself the news reports would say.

Even if people are overtly sensitive to the issue at hand I feel I would just ultimately run the risk of being labelled as different and weak which in turn would just reinforce my self nullifying behaviour. Oh cruel fate! Why do you mock me with your lame paradoxical twists?

People are intrinsically afraid of confronting jarring emotional truths, many of which are often implicitly taboo, this is especially true if you***8217;re a rugged stud of a man such as myself (I have a tattoo, love guns, almost never shave and wrestle bears almost daily).

I would sincerely love to print out the de facto definition for social phobia on clean crisp white sheets of A4, smell them, staple them and distribute them freely throughout the suburbs, but is it really worth the stigma?

Also, if you do feel acutely hopeless and surprisingly suicidal, is it morally ethical to tell someone how you feel. Surely you***8217;re placing an unfair and lofty burden on said person, especially if you actually perform the aforementioned deed. They after all will have to live with the guilt the rest of their lives, even if they do really suck for not coming through for you in your darkest hour anyway. Those bastards.

Your writing style reminds me alot of Glenn Duncan if you havent read his writing, try I, Lucifer, it's great

No one knows about my SA except my parent, and he doesnt really understand it. Other people just think im weird, always have!

I've made my friends through anxiety self-help groups, so I don't have that problem.

[Vicarious]

Well, I have a couple of friends who I have told pretty much everything. They are fantastic people and haven't told me to "stop being stupid" or anything like that. In fact, one of them has suffered anxiety for over 10 years although it manifests in different ways to mine. The only other people who know about my SA are my parents and ex-girlfriend.

There are two other friends I wouldn't consider telling after the reactions I've had from letting a few things slip. One of them saw me taking SSRIs a couple of years ago and asked me what they were for. I said "anxiety" and he replied with "why? Stop being anxious!". If only! I didn't expand on that to explain how it was socially related, because it would have made me feel silly. For some reason, I'd rather people think I was a "worrier" with general stress/anxiety than someone who gets afraid of certain social situations.

The other guy I sort of touched on the subject with a couple of weeks ago. We were getting drunk at the local and chatting about pulling. This friend of mine thinks (or did think!) that I have overwhelming confidence and that I am "good with the ladies" (I'm not - I feel like when I pull it's a fluke!), but this is based on how I act when I go out with him - ie. I've had a bit to drink. We've had some great nights out and continue to do so. I proceeded to tell him that I used to be confident but am not any more and he just could not grasp the concept. I explained I'm happy to chat to women after I'd had a few but he doesn't understand why we can't just get stuck straight in. "You've got nothing to be unconfident about - just tell yourself you are confident!" he shouted exasperated, then proceeded to ramble on about comfort zones for the tenth time. He's a great guy, just like the aforementioned friend, but I'm pretty sure he would think SA was a load of shit and that I just need to pull my finger out or something.

Hmm so-called friends, Ive not really been blessed with those. My 2mates" back home only wanted me when it suited thier needs, I was always there for them but when I started having probs I didnt see them for dust, so ive left them to it they will need me before I ever need them, Ive came this far on my own I can go the long haul. Probably why im scared of trying to meet new friends etc. Only 1 true friend I have has been a mate from we were about 8 or 9yrs old. We did date for a while when we were in our teens but have always remained close and I can still tell him anything and vice versa, we are 100's of miles away tho so its just a long chat on messenger every so often. Ususally tho his girlfiends find me intimidating so the jealousy thing comes into it, he doesnt let it bother him but it bothers me.

Im sure others have lovely friends who wont avoid them like they are aliens but I only got negativity from mine when I came out so to speak.

[wobbly]

Hi Bang. This is part of the problem that I've always encountered. Feeling alone in a macho world. I've played all manner of sports, had all manner of injuries and gone back for more and more. I've run marathons and gone through the physical pain barrier time after time and consider myself a tough kind of guy. At school (all those years ago) everyone knew not to mess with me and I was left alone. But in all these years I've only ever wanted someone of a similar ilk to me to discuss all those effeminate things in life like feelings, emotions, fears, anxiety and have never had a mate to share these with. It is taboo, has always been, always will be, and so the problem perpetuates itself like an urban myth. If the truth were only known, I'm sure there are so many people out there who would like to come out of the closet and society would be a better place because of it.

[Tiger]

Hi there

I found by telling everyone I knew took a huge weight off my shoulders. I think the trick is to remember SA is an ILLNESS not a weakness.

If you have difficulty explaining what you suffer from, access 'moodgym' on the net and their exercises allow you to print off results, which are basically a snapshot of how you are feeling, try it I am sure you will find it worthwhile. I printed the exercises off and talked through them with my father, which was interesting as the main aspect was the suffering I had as a child!

Good luck anyway

[Innervision]

Originally Posted by wobbly

Hi Bang. This is part of the problem that I've always encountered. Feeling alone in a macho world. I've played all manner of sports, had all manner of injuries and gone back for more and more. I've run marathons and gone through the physical pain barrier time after time and consider myself a tough kind of guy. At school (all those years ago) everyone knew not to mess with me and I was left alone. But in all these years I've only ever wanted someone of a similar ilk to me to discuss all those effeminate things in life like feelings, emotions, fears, anxiety and have never had a mate to share these with. It is taboo, has always been, always will be, and so the problem perpetuates itself like an urban myth. If the truth were only known, I'm sure there are so many people out there who would like to come out of the closet and society would be a better place because of it.

That was a very good post, and highlighted why males, in particular, can find it difficult to be open about their SA and vulnerabilities in general.

Stupidly rigid roles have been set out for the genders, and social pressure is placed upon us all to adhere to them. This totally ignores the fact that despite our gender, we are all diverse and feeling human beings. Unfortunately, males are expected to be super-efficient, unfeeling, chin up, stiff upper lip robots who never acknowledge an emotion in their lives, that's for women and children after all. No wonder men die younger. We are brought up to be emotionally repressed and stunted.

Men actually acknowledging feelings and vulnerabilities? It's just not cricket is it? This makes it all the more difficult for men to feel comfortable accessing help. Many men have physical and mental problems but are too scared to go to the doctors because we are all supposed to soldier on with a brave face aren't we?

Even in your post, Wobbly, you talk of feelings, emotions, fears and anxieties as "effeminate things". In reality, though, they are simply human things. I'm sure you are aware of that yourself, but your phrasing just highlighted for me how deeply entrenched within us is the notion that 'real men' don't feel such things.

Chances are that there are mllions of us out there wanting to share how we feel, or at least get it off our chest, but the criminally oppressive social pressures to conform to the stupid and unhealthy gender role models set out for us makes us too scared to buck the trend and do what is right for us as human beings.

If we were more honest as a society we would realise that we are not biological robots. We do all have feelings, insecurities, vulnerabilities, fears etc etc...

Oddly enough, to me at least, the more 'macho' a guy attempts to be, the more insecure and riddled with doubt he actually is. Macho bravado is little more that a defensive posture designed to warn others off. It is all about avoiding being hurt and appearing vulnerable, so it is drven not by toughness, but by fear.

In this society it is actually harder and more gutsy to admit to having feelings. Few males can see this, though, so they carry on pretending to be 'hard'. Society wonders why young males act as they do, but we have brought males up to act just like this. Scared young boys are so terrified of being seen as feeling human beings that they feel the need to go to the other extreme (anything less exposes them as 'soft'). A world where the phrase "I don't give a f***" is spouted like a mantra that earns respect from other males too scared to admit they are actually human and do actually care about at least some things in life.

Males have been sold down the river by these stupid gender roles assigned to us by god knows who. No wonder males with SA may be terrified of 'spilling the beans' on how they feel. No wonder many males come into counselling saying how their mates think they are weird or mad for admitting to seeing a counsellor. With stone-age attitudes to males with feelings and emotions still so widespread, no wonder some of us find it so difficult to feel part of this world, let alone seek help for how we feel.

Even today I know a few people who equate men who acknowledge their feelings with ... homosexuality.
Good god, there is nothing wrong with homosexuality anyway, but what a crazy conclusion to arrive at. Having human feelings = homosexuality. If that were the case, maybe we'd all be better off gay.

Sorry I've not brought in the female angle on this. I'm sure it is also difficult for females to come out of the closet, SA wise. It's just that Wobbly's post hit a raw nerve for me. It's a cold world for the male who admits to having feelings. Wobbly highlighted this, and it struck many a chord for me too. Thankfully I've never really bought into the macho bullcrap, so I managed to sidestep it eventually, but it is still difficult. I'm open about my SA, but I'm choosy. There are many males I'd not bother telling even if a suitable opportunity arose.