DA - Arguments And Communication

[toughbird]

I have a question that’s been in my mind for a while now. With so much of the avoidants’ behaviour being pulling away, I wonder how do you have a fair argument with someone who is avoidant? If you can’t talk to them or that is sort of my impression so I need some clarification on it. How do we actually have disagreements? Cause disagreements happen in all kinds of relationships, so I’m curious.

In my personal experience, as a friend I reached out to the introvert DA whom I was texting quite a few times back from Jan to May this year. Most of the time he dismissed and ignored me. He did reply back quickly within one minute after I texted him with my new number. to which he thanked me for letting him know. I believe at the time, he was going through his own emotional pain with rejection with his friends which resulted in him deleting around 20 friends from his Facebook page. I did reach out and offered emotional support and each time, he ignored my texts. Until I saw him sharing a post on a mutual friend's Facebook wall, the AP in me triggered and went into overdrive. I take full responsibility for my actions. I felt so rejected and hurt that I deleted him off from my Facebook page. Sent him a text and Facebook message wanting to hurt him back. I said some nasty things like cutting contact and how i will never contact him again. How I am fed up with constantly being rejected and ignored when I am only reaching out to be a friend. How this would be a second close friendship he has lost due to his inability to have close relationships.

Although two days passed. The anger decreased a bit and I began to question on whether I had over-reacted.

So I sent him a Facebook friend's request which he declined. I rang his phone to which he knew it was me but still answered the phone. Although he didn't talk, he just listened. I was very shocked because I wasn't expecting him to answer. So when he did, I stumbled with words and it became an awkward silence. Then he hung up the phone.

Rang again three days later and the phone rang out.

It's been almost two months and I have taken a huge step back. I've not reached out. This is the longest time in the whole two and a half years in knowing him. Mainly to give him space. Mainly to work on my own recovery.

This experience has truly been a learning one. It has made me look and wanting to explore about the DA style and about my own AP style. It has made me wanting to reflect and wanting to make positive changes about my own triggers and with how my reactions are.

I think, with now learning about the different attachment styles - this has helped me to reflect and respond with compassion and understanding better.

This is a friendship which I care and value deeply about. I would like to aim or at least aim to try to make amends. At least if I could try to get him to talk to me - that would be a start! I think the DA in him keeps me at bay especially as I'm the kind of person who prefers to talk and deal with conflict asap to prevent any resentment from happening if things hasn't been addressed. I deeply regret on how I responded and do feel my reaction could have been a lot lighter.

It's my friend's birthday towards the end of July. I would like to use the opportunity to try to reach out.

Any tips, advice or techniques that has helped you with arguments or conflict with a DA or AP that you could kindly share? How have you managed to respond or deal when the DA retreats? How have you managed to re-connect with the DA after they have retreated?

[Consolida]

I'm sure this makes me sound really thick, but can I ask what 'DA' stands for??
I'm figuring that AP refers to Avoidant Disorder.

My gut feeling is that the effort of rekindling and maintaining this friendship is causing you more angst than it is worth and that it's perhaps healthier in the long run to spend more time and energy into developing friendships where you aren't constantly left wondering where you stand.

Although you care deeply about this person, it seems that it is you who is putting in all of the effort to regain the friendship that you had. Your friend obviously has his own issues that he needs to work on if he wants healthy relationships/friendships but I don't think, despite your best efforts, that you will be able to help him with this.

You texted your friend a number of times from January to May but he dismissed or ignored them. When you reached out to him in his apparent time of need he still ignored your texts. Although he accepted your new phone number, has he ever actually picked up the phone and called you at all? Friendship shouldn't be a one way street. It's about give and take and being there for one another - none of which seems to be evident here.

Don't beat yourself up for reacting angrily to his apparent rejection. Most people would react similarly if a friend they cared about wasn't considering their feelings.

It's never easy to let someone go if you still very much care about them. I had a friendship of 20 years that came to an end because it was no longer healthy for either of us. It broke my heart, but sometimes for your own mental well being you have to try and move on and forge new friendships.

By all means, send your friend a card on his birthday but try not to raise your hopes that this will result in the two of you becoming friends again. If you don't hear from him after sending the card then I would be inclined to leave it at that.

I'm sorry that I haven't been able to offer useful advice on how to reconnect with your friend or that my response may seem negative and not what you were hoping for.
I just feel that you deserve so much more from a friendship than what you have been getting

All the best

[toughbird]

Hi

Many thanks for your reply.

DA - Dismissive Avoidant Attatchment Style

AP - Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style

From what it appears, it seems his in a better place in life now. So reaching out now may be the right time to see how he would respond - it would be great if his able to answer the phone for us to talk.

I'll do my best. I want to at least try everything I can to see if the friendship can be saved.

Cuz at least then, I can safely walk away and say I tried. I gave my all. That would be closure for me.

[Consolida]

^ Thanks for letting me know what DA and AP mean
I think I will have to read up about these 'attachment styles' as I know little..well nothing..about them

It's good to hear that your friend is in a better place these days and I very much hope that this means he may finally accept your hand of friendship. I think he would be very silly not to

Good luck toughbird

[toughbird]

Hi. Many thanks for your reply.

If he doesn't want to talk to me at the moment. Is there anything you can suggest that I can do? Especially as your an avoidant. You can identify perhaps what works and what doesn't work.

[toughbird]

I rang my friend two days ago and his personal phone went straight to voicemail. I left a message. When his personal phone is off, I know it's his way of needing space.

This evening, I rang his work phone and it rang out about five times before going to voicemail. I sent a text requesting if we could talk? But no response.

I think it's plain to see, he still needs space and I'm going to respect that. So I shall back off.

At this moment, I have tried to make amends and now the ball is in his court.

I shall get on with my life and remain focused on my recovery.

[Consolida]

Originally Posted by toughbird

I shall get on with my life and remain focused on my recovery.

That sounds like a great idea.

You tried your best

[Dougella]

It sounds perhaps like since he is avoidant and you are anxious preoccupied you might trigger eachother even more, because the more he withdraws the more anxious you get and want to try to talk to him and this causes him to withdraw even more!


I think you're right that concentrating on yourself and maybe even looking into why you have developed the attachment style that you have is the best idea.

[toughbird]

Thank you all for your replies.

I have really researched into my own attachment style and his especially over the past few weeks.

This past week has been incredibly inspiring and positive. I have been eager to seek out further awareness of my own attachment style. I have also took the opportunity to seek out awareness of the DA style as well.

Reading about my own attachment style - Anxious attachment has been really good for me. I have read a lot about it this week. A lot has actually triggered a lot of painful memories but helps me to look at some of my insecurities and the reasoning behind it.

Why some of my upbringing has impacted my behaviour and current life? With some of my trauma I have experienced as a child. A lot of it I have deliberately tried to hide away. To ignore or numb out. But with anything strong that has impacted you, no matter how much you chose to bury won't remain there unless you address it and resolve it.