saying what you dont mean

AireleeBray · #1 22nd March 2019, 05:06

Im feeling so awful, i said something at my child's parents evening that i instantly regret, i was trying to joke about my daughters behaviour at school being perfect but at home she can be a cheeky madam, which is perfectly normal & im happy thats how it is & she is wonderful & funny & i could not ask for a more perfect child. but trying to joke i think i might of went too far & i should of said i was only joking or followed up saying how amazing she is but i got preoccupied in my mind thinking what id just said.
im fearing i came across as a awful mother & i cant stop thinking about it & i just want to die

Bluebear · #2 22nd March 2019, 05:21

Well...it sounds like you’re doing a great job as a parent. I’m not a parent... although I wanted to be.

So I cant give much useful advice except for please don’t be so hard on yourself. Much easier said than done, I know. You sound like a wonderful parent to me.

Jam · #3 22nd March 2019, 05:22

No lie, I said almost the same thing during my daughter's parents evening in Feb, but my words were "cheeky monkey". Don't worry, stuff like that is what parents always say. Teachers hear it all the time.

AireleeBray · #4 22nd March 2019, 11:04

Thankyou both but what i actually said was alot worse, i said shes perfect at school but horrible at home but it was said in a jokey way & my daughter laughed & i said 'but we'll let you off if you've been working so hard at school'

i feel so ashamed, i should of used cheeky but the word horrible came out

i did make sure my daughter knew i didn't mean that when we got home & of course told her how proud i am of her & we read a story together like we often do & she told me i was the best mummy in the world but i dont feel like that at all. i keep replaying it over & over

Consolida · #5 22nd March 2019, 11:56

^ AireleeBray, pleassse stop being so hard on yourself! You said absolutely nothing wrong and certainly nothing to feel ashamed about. Good parents say that sort of thing all of the time, trust me. You're so obviously a terrific mum and it sounds like your daughter didn't for a second take your comment about being 'horrible' at home seriously as she straight away laughed when you said it. And this is because she is in no doubt at all that you love her dearly and are tremendously proud of her. She told you that you are the best mummy in the world and it's time you started believing her

anewyear · #6 22nd March 2019, 12:35

Nothing to worry about on that one at all. Your daughter knew you were joking, the teachers knew you were joking, all is good

I'm the worst for over thinking things but from the outside looking in most of these things are innocuous to others.

Indigo_ · #7 22nd March 2019, 14:06

From a teacher perspective, I used to get this all the time from parents. I would say they were good as gold at school and the parent's would look at me in astonishment and say they were little shits at home. I thought nothing of it

Dougella · #8 22nd March 2019, 16:03

One of the most important things for children, I've heard, is that when their parents make a mistake they admit it and talk it over/explain to the child/apologise if appropriate. It sounds like you did exactly the right thing, you explained to your daughter and made sure she knew you were joking and spent some time with her afterwards. Everyone makes mistakes like that sometimes and as other people have said, it sounds like teachers hear that sort of thing all the time! You're a great parent

AireleeBray · #9 22nd March 2019, 17:35

Thankyou for all your responses, i still feel terrible & it just isn't going away, i know my daughter completely knew i was being funny but today i wanted to make sure again she actually doesnt remember what i said (i didnt remind her & quickly moved on!)
thankyou indigo for your reply, but i feel like she has a bad opinion about me now & shes most likely going to be teaching my son september

i think on his parents day i will need to make sure she knows how much i love my children

my daughter said she told her teacher we treated her to chocolate from the shop after parents evening & her teacher said 'what for being naughty'

so she obviously hasnt forgotten

Consolida · #10 22nd March 2019, 20:33

^ You are doing what we are all prone to doing here - overthinking and catastrophising.

Plus, as if that wasn't enough, you are undoubtedly suffering from the syndrome that effects all good mothers - constantly worrying about whether you are doing the very best for your child. Sadly, I don't think there's any cure for that and only goes away when you finally draw your last breath!

As Indigo says and knows only too well, teachers are hearing this sort of thing all the time and think nothing of it. The fact that your child said to her teacher that you had treated her to some chocolate at the end of the parents evening shows that you were pleased with your daughters achievement and the teacher was obviously just jokily ribbing your daughter when she responded, 'What for being naughty?' I'm as sure as I could ever be that both the teacher and your daughter had smiles on their faces during this exchange

Teachers have to see hundreds of children and their parents over time and have massive workloads to keep up with so it would be plain weird if your little girls teacher was making a big deal out of your jokey throw away remark. Seriously, there will be unruly children at school that are very obviously suffering from bad parenting and these are the children that will remain in a teachers thoughts not happy little girls with loving mums such as you.

Even though my child is now 16, I remember looking shocked at the last parents evening when a teacher told me what a studious hard working pupil he is. I said something like 'That's hard to believe because it's an uphill struggle getting him to do even a tiny bit of revision at home' (not good when GCSE's are looming!). Studious?? My a***!!

I don't know how it was for you, AireleeBray, but I received quite a lot of criticism as a child and never felt good enough. I think that this kind of thing can make us irrationally fearful of inflicting the same kind of feelings on to our own offspring and hence we are forever overcompensating with our children by wanting to always be boosting their self esteem and fretting if we feel anything we say could be misconstrued as critical or negative. I don't know if I'm making any sense here?

But...
So long as we praise our children more than we criticise they will be just fine. It's the parents who never say 'well done' or say 'I love you' to their children that should be feeing bad not great mummy's like you

Hope something in that long ramble helps

Bluebear · #11 22nd March 2019, 20:55

Yikes.. yeah. And the maternal unit who threw me out and failed to want to support me or speak kindly to me thought she was a “normal” person............

AireleeBray · #12 23rd March 2019, 10:16

Quote:

Originally Posted by Consolida

^ You are doing what we are all prone to doing here - overthinking and catastrophising.

Plus, as if that wasn't enough, you are undoubtedly suffering from the syndrome that effects all good mothers - constantly worrying about whether you are doing the very best for your child. Sadly, I don't think there's any cure for that and only goes away when you finally draw your last breath!

As Indigo says and knows only too well, teachers are hearing this sort of thing all the time and think nothing of it. The fact that your child said to her teacher that you had treated her to some chocolate at the end of the parents evening shows that you were pleased with your daughters achievement and the teacher was obviously just jokily ribbing your daughter when she responded, 'What for being naughty?' I'm as sure as I could ever be that both the teacher and your daughter had smiles on their faces during this exchange

Teachers have to see hundreds of children and their parents over time and have massive workloads to keep up with so it would be plain weird if your little girls teacher was making a big deal out of your jokey throw away remark. Seriously, there will be unruly children at school that are very obviously suffering from bad parenting and these are the children that will remain in a teachers thoughts not happy little girls with loving mums such as you.

Even though my child is now 16, I remember looking shocked at the last parents evening when a teacher told me what a studious hard working pupil he is. I said something like 'That's hard to believe because it's an uphill struggle getting him to do even a tiny bit of revision at home' (not good when GCSE's are looming!). Studious?? My a***!!

I don't know how it was for you, AireleeBray, but I received quite a lot of criticism as a child and never felt good enough. I think that this kind of thing can make us irrationally fearful of inflicting the same kind of feelings on to our own offspring and hence we are forever overcompensating with our children by wanting to always be boosting their self esteem and fretting if we feel anything we say could be misconstrued as critical or negative. I don't know if I'm making any sense here?

But...
So long as we praise our children more than we criticise they will be just fine. It's the parents who never say 'well done' or say 'I love you' to their children that should be feeing bad not great mummy's like you

Hope something in that long ramble helps

Thankyou so much Consolida for being so kind & taking the time to write this, its good knowing alot of parents would have said something along the same lines.
I don't really know why but i have a huge problem of anyone thinking negatively about me, & more so when it comes to being a parent.
I don't know if its linked to not being close to my mum & she would make me feel like i was the worst child/teenager in the world & she would happily tell everyone how bad i was when with her.

I just realised that for the first time I did to my daughter what my mum would always do to me, as a child id feel embarrassed & shamed & hated my mum for telling people in my family or on the phone (cant remember her telling teachers but i dont think i went to parents evening at primary school)
I was known as nice quiet & shy and i was comfortable being that person & didn't want anyone knowing the 'real me'
I know now that my behaviour as a child was normal & i wasn't at all a bad teenager, apart from being on the computer too much.

Ive tried my hardest for 9years to never do this to my children

Im trying to get over this by thinking that i don't care what 2 teachers out of the many think (although im sure they all gossip about parents) & im sure i can do better next time its parents evening.
but still its sticking in my mind.