Struggling

[gregarious_introvert]

TL/DR: I'm feeling despondent about being lonely.

I feel that I may be about to "go off on one", so I apologise in advance for the potentially long post (it may also be that I find I don't have as much to say as I thought I did, I never plan my posts, I just start typing and see where it leads); I've been feeling this way for a while now and I'm hoping that, by typing this, I can exorcise some of the negativity which seems to be encircling me at the moment.

I am not depressed: I have suffered with depression all my life and know that feels. I am not feeling great about life, but I am full of optimism, hoping and expecting that I will feel better tomorrow and I am making plans to change things, something I was never able to do when suffering from depression. I do feel more agoraphobic than I would like - yesterday, I had to travel into Mansfield (to be fair, it's Mansfield, nobody wants to go there ) and put off leaving the house for two hours, whilst last week, after returning home from Tunisia, I put off going shopping for two days (which meant cooking very basic meals from the freezer) because I couldn't face it. On the other hand, on Saturday afternoon, I attended a meet of the "Solo Travellers UK" Facebook group; although I had to force myself to go (which is not uncommon, I have to do that pretty much every time I leave the house), I did and didn't feel unusually anxious whilst I was there.

Over the past few months, I have been increasing my efforts to build friendships and sometimes I think I have made progress, at other times it all seems hopeless; I know these things don't happen overnight and I am realistic, but I can't help wondering whether making new friends at my time of life is virtually impossible, especially given my lack of "normality". I did make two prospective friends, both female and living a fair distance from me (one in Luton and the other in South Wales), but it transpired that both wanted more than friendship and when that prospect didn't materialise, the contact ceased. I'm not about to give up, in fact I am exploring new ways to meet people with whom I may have some degree of commonality, but I am aware that the world is unfair and that effort is not always rewarded. I should also add that I appreciate, more than they know, the friends I have online and on WhatsApp, all of whom are contributors to this forum.

I have a good life with a lot of positives, for which I am grateful: I have no financial concerns (my last PIP assessment, which took fifteen months, resulted in an "ongoing" award which means it won't be re-assessed for at least ten years, possibly ever), a roof over my head (local authority housing) and no having to choose between heating and eating, as I know that many people do. I travel, attend music festivals and gigs, enjoy the theatre, opera and other pastimes, have good health... In most respects, I am a very lucky and privileged person. I don't take any of these things lightly and most of the time, when I am in a better frame of mind, I find myself smiling spontaneously at how good life is. I know that I am fortunate in so many respects.

I have been thinking about what is causing my current state of mind: could it be the restrictions of my broken hand (yes, I do think that contributes a little, I am still scared of falling over before it has healed fully and doing further damage), the time of year (I lost both my parents around this time and the anniversary of my father's death was only four days ago), the approach of Valentine's Day (last celebrated in 2022), post-travel blues (I arrived home from Tunisia on the 8th)... I have considered all these things, but I think it can be encapsulated in a single word: loneliness.

It was at the beginning of December that I thought I had found a new friend in Luton: as circumstance would have it, I was flying from Gatwick (which has a direct Thameslink train service from Luton) that month, plus also from Luton itself in January and February, so it wasn't difficult to arrange meetings. On my trip in December, I met a handful of people with whom I was able to pass the time, then in January, a second potential friend appeared (we met only once). On my most recent trip, I had conversations with others at the hotel, before last Saturday, I had the company of four other people at the meet. All these things should be positive, proof that I am capable of human interaction, but instead they feel like missed opportunities (at the meet, for example, some people exchanged numbers but I wasn't invited to do so) and just highlight how easily others seem to bond whilst I remain on the periphery.

It isn't that long since I was repeatedly rejected socially, so the fact that I am able to have any kind of positive social interaction should be seen as progress - and of course, it is; however, it's been more than eight years since I took those tentative steps with meetup and still my only friends are people I didn't meet in real life, but got to know through an exchange of PMs and who live so far from me that I only get to see them once a year, if I'm lucky. I know that it doesn't help that I live in an area where I have little in common with people, but there are cities within an hour's drive (Sheffield, Nottingham, Derby etc.) where there must be people who are more attuned to my core beliefs and values. I remain hopeful and the search continues, perhaps I will feel better about life in the morning?

[Marco]

Hey GI, it's really sad that a great guy like you is lonely and struggling to find friendship at the moment. I'm sure that this is just a blip and you'll meet someone soon. Just keep doing what you're doing and stay strong!

[Clumsy*]

Sorry you're struggling at the moment, Greg

I don't know what advice I could offer, unfortunately, as I'm myself mostly clueless about how to make friends in real life. I am surrounded by lovely and interesting people at work but I find myself unable to create that connection, and it is very painful.

I managed to become friend with one colleague, because she is an extrovert, and she was the one actively befriending me.
She's recently quit, though, so I'm alone again (at work at least).

All I can say, is that Marco is right, anyone would be lucky to have you as their friend, so I hope you carry on looking, maybe avoid the ladies this time?

[Aelwyn]

Very sorry to hear you're feeling down at the moment, GI. We all go through these patches, especially when a few difficult things come together (as they often seem to do).

However, knowing something about your past and the difficulties you've overcome, not to mention the wonderful adventures you've been having abroad, I would guess you have an excellent chance of pulling through the gloominess and finding friends.

If where you live is not helping matters, would it be possible for you to move? I had a friend who was in a council flat and she was able to swap with somebody in a flat in London. Perhaps you need to be somewhere with more going on?

A final thought, agoraphobia can creep up on you very quickly, do try to get outside as often as possible. I nearly fell into that trap myself at one time.

[gregarious_introvert]

Originally Posted by Marco

Hey GI, it's really sad that a great guy like you is lonely and struggling to find friendship at the moment. I'm sure that this is just a blip and you'll meet someone soon. Just keep doing what you're doing and stay strong!

Marco! It's always great to hear from you (can I now claim that my post was just an elaborate hoax to get you to post? )! Thanks for your support and yes, I'm not giving up, I think I just needed to have a moan in public and a bit of sympathy

[gregarious_introvert]

^^^ Clumsy, I'm sorry that you, too, are also struggling to make connections and that your friend left (I hope you're keeping in touch?); I know that you will make friends, you have age on your side for one thing! I am trying to avoid women and I joined the friendship group on Facebook specifically to make male friends, but all the responses I get there are from females (I do have one online friend from there who lives in North Yorkshire, but we don't have a lot in common).

^^ Aelwyn, thank you, it is just a bad patch, I'm sure, I still remain optimistic and my sense of humour (sadly for some!) and self-esteem remain intact; I do also realise how far I've come and (especially with the agoraphobia) have no intention of going backwards (I don't think I could now, I have too many trips and festivals booked and my autistic mind doesn't allow me to cancel anything).

Moving isn't really an option, I hate upheaval and I'm pretty much settled where I am - the issue, anyway, is only with the immediate area and I am sure that, eventually, I'll connect with someone in one of the nearby cities. I do have a good friend in London (where I am a frequent visitor, for the West End theatre, opera and other things), but because of his family and work commitments, I'm not able to see him every time I'm there. As for the agoraphobia, I know, of course, how easily that takes hold (recently, I've been trying to encourage someone on Facebook to leave the house, but that is still a work in progress) and I'm off to a goth festival in Leicester this weekend, so I'm hoping that my full diary will take care of that - and as soon as my hand heals properly (I'd say it's about 80% of the way there, but at the stage where another fall might do irreparable damage), I'll be out for my daily walks again.