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  #1  
Old 30th May 2020, 10:38
Charefudge Charefudge is offline
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Default I give up...never feeling enough

So, I've really tried this last year to go against my instincts to hide and shy away from people and the world. I've done things so far out my comfort zone, like therapists tell you its never as bad as you think its going to be, fight or flight!

But what if it is that bad? Nothing changes because you never will fit into society the way you'd like to. That's how i'm feeling at the moment. I've tried reaching out and making friends, something I would never have done a few years ago, always pushing people away scared of rejection. What if you do all the things your suppose to and still end up with nothing? How do you not get disheartened into giving up and just accepting that your alone in the world
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  #2  
Old 30th May 2020, 10:54
Nanuq Nanuq is offline
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Default Re: I give up...never feeling enough

I think what you say makes a certain sense, to me anyway. I think a lot of cbt makes an assumption that the anxiety is disproportionate to the reality and if you can just make yourself do stuff then gradually you become more comfortable. But I have done that all my life and it never worked, because the underlying issues have never been addressed and fundamentally I have never changed. So throwing myself into different situations, trying different courses, forcing myself to go to work, none of it helped me.

I think for me the answer is to try and add a few more things into my comfort zone, rather than force myself out of my comfort zone every day. The simple fact is that for most people, normal life is within that comfort zone, so the idea of forcing yourself out of your comfort zone to do normal things is very specific to people with disorders, it isn't just what everyone has to do. So basically I am tired of working harder than everyone else to do essentially normal things, I'd rather do less normal things and be less stressed.
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  #3  
Old 30th May 2020, 11:00
Nanuq Nanuq is offline
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Default Re: I give up...never feeling enough

Also, I notice you're in Cumbria, a lovely part of the world
Maybe when lockdown ends a meet in Cumbria might be a good idea? I bet a few saukers would want to visit the area.
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  #4  
Old 30th May 2020, 11:20
gregarious_introvert gregarious_introvert is offline
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Default Re: I give up...never feeling enough

Charefudge, I can relate completely to what you've written: I spent years trying to find a way to relate to the world and got into a cycle of trying and failing to make friends followed by periods of avoidance. I agree with Nanuq, that underlying issues need to be addressed first in many cases; trying to socialise when one has poor social skills, or an underlying condition (in my case, autism) which affects how others see and react to you, can be counter-productive and lead to more intense feelings of isolation.

I like what Nanuq says about adding things to the comfort zone; you mention doing things far outside your zone and perhaps you need to be a little less ambitious - if you step just a little outside your zone, then the comfort zone increases and you can progress from there - the good old "baby steps" routine! Another thing that you can do is (and I may have said this on this forum a few times previously!) instead of trying to fit in with others, find others who fit in with you: focus on your interests, the things you enjoy doing and look for others with similar interests - nobody is ever going to be universally popular, so it makes sense to find others who complement our lives rather than trying to change to complement the lives of others, which means that we're uncomfortable from the beginning as we've had to change who we are.

I have issues with CBT in that, very often, it's about changing the way that we think and act without addressing the underlying issues; there are therapies, like ACT - Acceptance and Commitment Therapy - which are more suitable for a number of people, but these are not available (as far as I'm aware) on the NHS, although many people do research the methods from books (there are many available) and apply them to themselves. You mention doing all the things that you're supposed to do, but who defines what you're supposed to do? If all you are doing is forcing yourself into situations which aren't suited to you, then you're starting at a disadvantage and you're more likely to become disheartened because not only are you putting yourself into situations which you'd prefer to avoid, but at the same time nothing is changing.
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  #5  
Old 30th May 2020, 17:43
Raks1981 Raks1981 is offline
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Default Re: I give up...never feeling enough

Quote:
What if you do all the things your suppose to and still end up with nothing? How do you not get disheartened into giving up and just accepting that your alone in the world
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  #6  
Old 30th May 2020, 23:20
Rufus Rufus is offline
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Default Re: I give up...never feeling enough

can I ask if your are taking any medication to help ?

I am only starting on my journey and trying to expose myself to the things that cause my anxiety, its all trial and error, as said, baby steps.
We all want to be "normal" asap and I for one have tried to fast and learned from that, but whats normal for one may not be for another. I will never stand up and make a speech, I hate being the centre of attention - I accept that and Im happy with it, it doesnt mean I cant be good at something else (i just need to find it)
I dont think you should try and force yourself into being something you are not or you will never be happy, find the middle ground - slowly slowly catchy monkey.
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  #7  
Old 2nd June 2020, 10:26
Mr. Nobody Mr. Nobody is offline
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Default Re: I give up...never feeling enough

Quote:
Originally Posted by Charefudge
So, I've really tried this last year to go against my instincts to hide and shy away from people and the world. I've done things so far out my comfort zone, like therapists tell you its never as bad as you think its going to be, fight or flight!

But what if it is that bad? Nothing changes because you never will fit into society the way you'd like to. That's how i'm feeling at the moment. I've tried reaching out and making friends, something I would never have done a few years ago, always pushing people away scared of rejection. What if you do all the things your suppose to and still end up with nothing? How do you not get disheartened into giving up and just accepting that your alone in the world
could be that you are still holding onto your original idea of their being comfort in staying away from people, but at the same time also making attempts to do the opposite, so there is internal conflict?

what can help is seeing where the original instinct of avoiding will ultimately lead you to and actually seeing clearly for yourself how damaging that is for your own wellbeing in the long-term.

if you see for yourself that it's damaging to you to follow that route then you will naturally and easily start doing things to open to people, you will naturally be open to contact and start moving in the opposite direction from avoidance.

could be that deep down you still maintain, still believe in the notion that avoidance is okay, that there is 'safety' in staying in comfortable situations and take comfort in keeping yourself alone, and so any attempts to move away from that won't be coming from a place of understanding or acceptance,
it will feel like an unwanted imposition?

if you look at it from a 'quality of life' perspective and maybe ask yourself what quality of life will the past behaviour lead to,
all that happens with avoidance is that your world gets smaller and smaller, and your experience of life gets narrower and narrower,

if you can see that clearly then testing boundaries will feel easier, more natural and will be something you will welcome and have zest for rather than fear.
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