Resuscitate/do not resuscitate

[BritishPeace]

This is such a conundrum.

My Dad died 6 months ago suddenly. My Mum has dementia and gradually gets worse slowly. My Mum is in hospital with pneumonia now and seems happy. It's hard to lose both your parents in your twenties.

The doctors have asked can we discuss resuscitation/do not resuscitation. We are having a debate over this and I have thought about it a lot. My brother wants to resuscitate my Mum no matter what because once you're dead you're dead. I am undecided, I said let's come to a decision with my brothers and sister all together. My view is I would like my Mum to be resuscitated if she had a good quality of life but if she was to be much worse I think it is prolonging the pain. And I think resuscitating her would cause unnecessary pain. She already has catheters in her hand to give her fluids but I think that needle would have caused her so much pain and she never even knew what it was for.

Howewer, my Mum seems like a baby in her reactions, e.g. eating soft food, not being able to toliet, but society would never put down a baby though it's the same but in reverse. So what's right?

[Schmosby]

Originally Posted by BritishPeace

My view is I would like my Mum to be resuscitated if she had a good quality of life but if she was to be much worse I think it is prolonging the pain.

This would be my view too.

Probably best to see what the doctors opinion is too when you are all together.

[Consolida]

It’s terribly sad to hear about the recent loss of your Dad and also that your Mum is suffering with such poor health BP.

It’s painful losing a parent at any age but I think it’s particularly tragic when you lose them far far too early and at a time when you have only really gotten to know them properly as an adult. My Dad died after a long battle with Cancer when I was 23 and I do feel sad that he hasn’t been here over the ensuing years to see the birth of his grandchild, etc...

Yes it is a conundrum for sure, but I am pretty certain I would share your view about not resuscitating a loved one if, with the Doctors advice, it has been proven that they have no quality of life and there is zero possible chance of improvement. I think in all honesty we would all prefer this for ourselves when the time comes.

Like Schmosby, I think with the support of your Mum’s Doctors you need to gather around with your brothers and sisters when making such a painful decision.

I really do feel for you BP and I hope that whatever happens your Mum will be as comfortable and as pain free as possible and that you are receiving emotional support during this difficult time

[newbs16]

I would agree with what the others have said. If your mothers dementia gets worse I do think it would just prolong any suffering by resuscitating her, it must be a terrible choice to have to make. Talking to the doctors and your family would be my suggestion and don't rush in to making a decision, take care.

[Ronnie_Pickering]

it is harsh when people have to deal with this in their 20s.

[BritishPeace]

Erm to answer your questions my.mum has gotten better since my first post but for now long? It is obvious to say we should all come to a decision but none of the four of us agree with each other and some of us actively hate each other so don't have anything to do with one another unless desperate. E.g. My older brother abused my so I find it hard to talk to him about these things. Anyway. My Mum is getting worse she will probably die within the next year could live less much longer. I think less she has lost so much weight and does not walk any longer. I go the hospital every day. She is like a baby like I said, feed her a bit but she can't eat much, drinks a bit but doesn't know how to swallow or eat really. Not long to go and what can hospitals do?

I think its awful that people with dementia have to live this way. when you think of a hospital you think of a&e etc,.not someone in a bed who cannot speak or even walk or eat.

[Schmosby]

Glad to hear she's got better BP and sorry to hear things are not going well with the family. It's probably best to have as little as possible to do with them if they are toxic.

My thoughts are with you.

[Consolida]

It’s reassuring to hear that your Mum is a little better, for now at least, although I know the Dementia is sadly only going to get worse

I think you are so good to visit your Mum every day at the Hospital (not all relatives would do this) because I imagine it must be terribly draining for you to have to witness your Mum’s gradual deterioration. Dementia sucks for sure.

As Schmosby says, it’s probably for the best if you only get together with some of your siblings (especially your older brother) when you need to discuss your mothers treatment and care as they do sound like they don’t bring anything very positive into your life.

Look after yourself BP

[BritishPeace]

Yes that's true

I don't want to go to the hospital for sure but as I love my mum I feel I have to. Same with my dad didn't want to see him dead or in the funeral place but felt it was right for me to. Only five years ago I had an outwardly perfect life. Funny how it can change.

[BritishPeace]

The doctors took me into one of those rooms, you know THOSE rooms, and said my mother's prognosis is that she has three months left to live and they will not be providing any more treatment to help her love longer.

[Consolida]

That’s very sad to hear. I hope the remaining few months will be as comfortable as possible for your mum and that you are receiving plenty of emotional support.

[Mr. Nobody]

that's really sad to hear BP,
hope you can stay strong and be there for her in her last months,
hope you have a good support structure around you in your siblings

[BritishPeace]

My.Mum died today

[newbs16]

^ I'm really saddened to hear this, thinking of you x

[Consolida]

I'm so sorry to hear the sad news about your Mum BP
Sending you my heartfelt condolences at this difficult time.
Take care xx

[Sisyphus]

That is sad news BP. I have been through that thinking of you.

[BritishPeace]

It's ok.