Does Anyone Think Their SA Would Improve If They Had A Partner?

[Dandelion10]

I met up on a 'date' with someone I met ages ago on Plentyoffish and it did wonders for my mental health.

SA is basically a disorder of the minds' perception of others as judgemental and threatening but for the day he was with me my mind was 'balanced' and I felt fearless and 'normal'.

We weren't a good match but it was a state of mind I'll never forget, before I had SA I had one steady boyfriend who cheated on me as I mentioned before (we were so young anyway it hardly matters) but I've never known love in the true sense and although I did have regular sex back then mostly due to pressure from friends, I have been celibate for about 7 yrs.

My sister was right when she said it was easier to get sex than find a boyfriend, although she also said finding a boyfriend was easier than making a same-sex friend.

Anyway, lately there's been a few occassions when I really could have used a boyfriend, it's hard to explain but I find myself in strange predicaments like once my tutor asked me 'don't you have a partner?' or when couples look at me warily cos they feel a bit sorry for me or times when my parents say 'don't you think it's time you moved out?' and I know it's partly cos they think I'm a w*nker.

I'm just sick of the 'saddo' image that comes with being a singleton. I think I deserve a partner I've waited so long and I'm a good person. I met an amazing guy on another forum but I haven't heard anything back :D

[karl-32]

mine got worse

[cog]

Originally Posted by MaskedGirl

Having a partner made me feel less moody and try more socially but I was still anxious and depressive at times which stressed both of us out. A lot of people who have never been in a relationship tend to view having a partner as a cure which isn't true. It improves parts of your life though as being in love and having someone who actually wants you is real tonic.

Couldn't agree more. Being in a relationship would be great, but of course it depends on the relationship (I was married, but that didn't work out).

[Defiance]

Originally Posted by MaskedGirl

I've always said it is easier finding sex than a partner and nothing will ever change my mind on the matter.

i agree. for women it is easier to find sex than find a partner. for men however it's the other way round

[Kal]

My SA virtually disappears when I have a partner I long for those days indeed! The only reason my last relationship broke down basically came down to distance, she lived in Chelmsford which is quite far from Cardiff and driving over every week wasn't practical. (also she never made any effort to come visit me..sorta felt one-sided in that respect)

[SoulSeeker]

Well..i've never had a sexual relationship..i cant believe i just said that I wont go into it..but i'd say an over sensitive persoanlity has got me into this non-sexual situation lol. I have to face the truth though and stop running.

So..i cannot predict whether a sexual relationship would benefit me..or ease my situation. Yes..i am a sexual person..but i cant let this be the 'be all' of seeking happiness. I want to meet someone who likes me for who i am..and if they dont like the fact..or think it's funny or wierd that i aint had a sexual relationship..then they arent right for me.

I can realise sex is very important in a healthy relationship ( well i can imagine it would be)..but there is more than that for me. Cuddles, kisses..being at ease with each others naked bodies..and enjoying each othes naked presence is just as important for me. Sex should happen naturally..and feel natural...something that is enjoyed and feels good..rather than something that is forced..and something that feels that needs to be done..just to feel normal. IMO.

Getting abit carried away there. I do crave a relationship..and a female companion. I dont like falling asleep or waking up alone..and i dont like the fact that i may have to experience life without a partner. Though, there has to be something in it for the partner too.

You have to have something to offer 'all round'..or things will never work out the way 'i see it' should. It's up to me to work on, change myself..and eventually be able to 'sell myself' to a possible partner.

I believe there is someone out there for everyone..not just a 'come and go' sex partner..but a 'true' all round soulmate. Life is to short..and i would like to experience this soulmate relationship..enjoy the rest of my life to the max. Happiness will be a lot easier..when it's shared..rather than on it's own.

Unless you're incredibly lucky...these soulmates..i would think are quite/very difficult to find..but i do defo feel they exist. You just have to be strong enough to keep going..until you find each other.

The answer to your question. I would say yes..depending on how severe you were...which couldn't have been that severe...taking into account that you are stable enough to go seeking this partner in the first place. Also if you truelly liked/loved the person..and you felt that coming from the other person...then nothing else really matters..so you should start to 'ease' up i would've thought.

[ShyDoll]

Honey, in a word - no!

I have a partner. I've been single and I've been in relationships or dating and it doesn't make a damn difference.

I know you said about people thinking it's odd if you don't have a partner but to be honest that's just rubbish if that's all they can think of to associate you with. You're your own person, you don't need a partner it just happens.

I'm as SA now as I was when I was single. Please don't put pressure on yourself to get a girlfriend/boyfriend just to make your SA easier cause it really won't make much of a difference.

[cog]

Originally Posted by ShyDoll

I'm as SA now as I was when I was single. Please don't put pressure on yourself to get a girlfriend/boyfriend just to make your SA easier cause it really won't make much of a difference.

At the beginning of my last relationship, I was happier, but, yes, it didn't actually help my SA. Threw me into a lot more social situations, so made it harder in some ways, but the relationship aspect is good (while it's good).

[ShyDoll]

Originally Posted by SoulSeeker

Well..i've never had a sexual relationship..i cant believe i just said that

Me neither! It's fine, nothing to be ashamed of!

[IRIS]

I can honestly say having a partner has no effect on my SA

[Munky]

I have found that relationships both now and in the past has halted my recovery from SA. It means that I have someone who I grow dependent on, and so I find that I don’t HAVE to leave the house for shopping etc so I won’t, my partner will instead. It has stopped me from pushing myself and exposing myself to anxiety provoking situations, i just hide away behind my partner instead.

[Meek]

Yes.
Yes.
And more yes.

Every since I've started speaking to a girl (on another thread lol) my life has improved so much. Yes, I still get the thoughts of SA like today I was walking to tesco and there was a traffic que and I felt like I was walking like a idiot, but the thoughts weren't as bad. And the other day I went to the cricket and I had to find a seat while everyone else was sitting down. :rolleyes: Even though the seat was right near the begining of the entrance I still managed to do it

[Fingerscrossed]

I am married - to someone who is very loud and loves being the centre of attention, so no it doesnt help me, think this has something to do with what attracted me to him, thinking that it would rub off on me - and it doesnt - it just makes me look even worse!!!

[Narwhal]

I've found that it does nothing for my SA, but just makes me more accepting of the way I am.

[Superfly]

Well I have never had a gf, but my best guess from my limited experience with friendships and dating would be

NO

I dont think being in a relationship would directly change the anxiety in one way or another. However, I do think it could reduce the depression that many of us suffer from, and so increase general satisfaction in life, especially if the cause of depression is bad self esteem or loneliness.

If you are lucky, being in a relationship could also provide you with a stream of good "exposure therapy" moments. But this is far from given, it could do the opposite too.

[ItsNotAPorkChop]

Mine hasn't really improved at all. I'm more or less the same. I always used to think having a boyfriend would change me completely, and that I'd be happier and have no reason to be depressed etc. Gutted when I realised I wasn't changing. Yeah sure I'm happy I've found him, I don't know what I'd do without him, he's my world... but it doesn't make everything go away.

[karl-32]

Originally Posted by Munky

I have found that relationships both now and in the past has halted my recovery from SA. It means that I have someone who I grow dependent on, and so I find that I don’t HAVE to leave the house for shopping etc so I won’t, my partner will instead. It has stopped me from pushing myself and exposing myself to anxiety provoking situations, i just hide away behind my partner instead.

exactly what i did

[Ajax Amsterdam]

My SA is not dependent on whether or not I have a partner. I'm SA with a partner, and I have been SA when without too.

In my teens and twenties I fell into the rather dangerous trap of thinking that a partner would provide me with things that only really come from within. You know, confidence, esteem, validation etc.

This was dangerous because it creates dependence on others just to feel ok in yourself. That gives partners a lot of power and control over a person if they wish to abuse it. It also treats the partner with great disrespect because it places a lot of pressure on them, because in essence, they are being used as an emotional crutch. Most people want to be wanted for who they are, but not many want to be wanted because they make a convenient crutch that may help improve someones mental health issues.

For improvements in one's own issues is to be real and have longevity, they need to be made by ourselves, for ourselves. If we rely on others to provide our improvement, our improvements are dependent on them. In short, if they leave, so does your confidence, validation and esteem.

I suppose the crucial factor is whether we hope a relationship will be supportive of our own efforts to improve, or whether we hope a relationship will provide the improvement in itself.

Another factor worth considering is that relationships bring responsibilites and demands which can actually stimulate anxiety. For anyone who practices social avoidance, a relationship can be a real challenge.


EDIT: Apologies if I'm repeating anyone else's thoughts on this, as I've not read the thread yet, just the OP.

[GhostOnMagneticTape]

This topic has been done to death over the years but I understand peoples' needs to talk about this, so from a neutral point of view I think it's really dependant on how much effort each person puts into the relationship to support each other with empathy and to be honest about problems that are occurring and what can be done.

Some relationships are doomed to fail from the start and can be highly destructive but people are "loved" up initially and fail to see the consequences.

[ShyDoll]

Originally Posted by Quiet bloke with cow

Even just being with a female friend I was sweet on, did wonders for me. You feel as if you can't be that bad, it gives you an inner peace.

Yes but you need to feel that about yourself rather than rely on having others think it of you. If you get what I mean. You need to learn to love yourself and have faith in yourself rather than use others to boost your confidence.

[cog]

There is still a part of me though that imagines this wonderful romance with someone "on my wavelength" (perhaps with anxiety issues too). We would then have our own happy little world together, and the rest of the world wouldn't be such an issue. Probably lame, I know.

[bunkoff]

If you're with someone very outgoing it can be really helpful, giving you opportunities and reasons to push yourself and initially it may be very helpful but ultimately the source of improvement has to come from within you.

[mg83]

Originally Posted by Quiet bloke with cow

Even just being with a female friend I was sweet on, did wonders for me. You feel as if you can't be that bad, it gives you an inner peace.

The inner peace part was really important for me. Personally it helped me a lot and gave me confidence that I could do things. SA is such a mental thing that you feel much better about yourself. People might say that confidence comes from within but everyone needs some type of outside confidence (whether it's a partner, family, friends, whoever) before you can feel good about yourself.

Originally Posted by Unknowing

Absolutely. It's no magic solution. It changes nothing. It can make you feel happier, loved...even on occassions more confident, but it brings with it a whole host of problems. The pressures of meeting parents, family, friends, you're expected to attend family celebrations, christmas dinner, friend's parties. You're not in a position where you can just say 'no' without consequences, unlike when you're single and only have to care about your own feelings.

I think it depends on the situation and what type of people you are meeting. In a weird way, I actually enjoyed these occasions. People were interested in me and in a way it made me do things that if I was single, I would never have done.

For me it ended up being another knock on effect in a good way.

[яemus]

Having a partner is no magic pill

There is no magic pill

[Alex76]

Never had one, but I think if I did it'd probably make it worse.
I'd probably come under alot of criticism from them for not wanting to work full-time, and the fact that my life is more like that of a teenager (without a social life) then a 30 something guy.
Then as someone else said, there's all the stress of meeting the other half's family, friends, work colleagues etc, and getting negative judgement from them.
Might work better with a fellow SA sufferer though.

[Peyre]

It would give me a boost and someone to concentrate my thoughts on, but it wouldnt fix anything.

I think I'd still be very concious that she could find someone else etc, but I could work on that.

I do believe it would help, but there still would be need to be a lot of work put in and I would need support from my partner. There is no magic fix to SA, its as simple as that, but surely for people that struggle to strike up meaningful relationships, being loved and the chance to love someone back is a postive step.

My sister had a lot of issues with her confident and self worth when she was my age, she met her boyfriend and it was the best thing that happened to her, they are now married and she is expecting a baby boy, they are perfect for each other. It can help, as long as its the right relationship.

[Ben1981]

Originally Posted by bobblehat

If you're with someone very outgoing it can be really helpful, giving you opportunities and reasons to push yourself and initially it may be very helpful but ultimately the source of improvement has to come from within you.

Very true

[brakesgirl]

Being with someone has made my mental health so much worse and it ended up that he left me because of my problems (he cared as much as he could but I was too much for him and he was interested in someone else anyway).

Going out with him has killed me off completely. The biggest regret I ever made. If I didn't and I stayed on my own then I very much doubt I would be feeling as lonely as I do now because I wasn't quite as bad as this before him.

[Kal]

I guess everyone's different. Everyone's SA get's affected differently by being in a relationship - some find comfort/support while others just get worse for various reasons.

It's probably an even split between people that think it helps and people that thinks it does more harm than good.

[Silver]

It wouldnt change my sa as only I can do that but it would defintely make me feel happier, fill the hole in my life, take away the emptiness and make me feel more fufilled. However I would hate to rely on a partner for everything, happiness and all