Serious Question

Blade · #1 23rd November 2011, 20:12

No Nasty answers please , Can anyone honestly tell me why i dont seem to be able to fit in here , i have tried , i think ! , but even after all this time i just dont get along , i do find it difficult to join in other peoples threads but the ones i start just seem to fizzle out and die . I dont konw how to get on . i have talked to some nice people but i think i dont have the ability to continue this on , it seems even on a forum for people with the same problems i still dont seem to be able to fit in . I know i need to have interaction with people but i just dont know how ! .

slrrrrp · #2 23rd November 2011, 20:36

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blade

No Nasty answers please , Can anyone honestly tell me why i dont seem to be able to fit in here , i have tried , i think ! , but even after all this time i just dont get along , i do find it difficult to join in other peoples threads but the ones i start just seem to fizzle out and die . I dont konw how to get on . i have talked to some nice people but i think i dont have the ability to continue this on , it seems even on a forum for people with the same problems i still dont seem to be able to fit in . I know i need to have interaction with people but i just dont know how ! .

I don't know really - the only advice I can give is: keep trying and don't read too much into your threads seeming to fizzle out.

Sea · #3 23rd November 2011, 20:40

I don't know why you think you don't fit in?

Your threads get just as many responses as everyone else's, more than some.
From your posts on this subject then I think that you are simply expecting too much?
This place is useful at times, but if you are after loads of support, people caring when you don't post for a few days or life-long friends then forget it. In my experience this forum has never offered that (maybe it does to the fortunate few but not to most of us). Just treat it as a forum, nothing more, nothing less.

Defiance · #4 23rd November 2011, 20:40

well ... your post count seems to be awfully low (unless you've deleted masses of them), i certainly dont remember really seeing you around, and if other people dont either then it will be harder to build up any sort of rapport with anyone.

edit: actually after some thought i think i do vaguely vaguely remember you. you wanted to go to a meet once but were concerned the people would be too young so you wouldn't come. right?

if you would post more you would probably soon work out which people you click with and which people are your cup of tea, as tbh on here you wont get on with everyone, it's just the same in real life.

the posts i do see you've made, your not really talking about any fun topics where people can get to see your personality more/stuff you enjoy/etc

I Love My Cats · #5 23rd November 2011, 20:46

I think it's just about being a visible presence. I understand it's hard to contribute sometimes, especially if you worry that you don't really know the OP of a thread and maybe worry that your point of view could get discounted on that basis. Lots of people here who post regularly and attend meets can start to notice people that share their views and this endears them to those people and a sense of belonging can result for some.

As for starting a thread, it can often be hit and miss. Someone can start a thread and get 2 responses and someone else can come along with a similar topic 2 weeks later and get dozens of responses. It depends on mood, timing and whether there are people who know you and look out for your posts to contribute.

I've seen absolutely nothing that would make anyone shy away from you. you seem like a nice person, who can struggle as we all do. Maybe try to give a little bit more of yourself if you can - share what you've been up to and how you're feeling?

Johnni · #6 23rd November 2011, 20:55

Quote:

Originally Posted by Defiance

well ... your post count seems to be awfully low (unless you've deleted masses of them), i certainly dont remember really seeing you around, and if other people dont either then it will be harder to build up any sort of rapport with anyone.

edit: actually after some thought i think i do vaguely vaguely remember you. you wanted to go to a meet once but were concerned the people would be too young so you wouldn't come. right?

if you would post more you would probably soon work out which people you click with and which people are your cup of tea, as tbh on here you wont get on with everyone, it's just the same in real life.

the posts i do see you've made, your not really talking about any fun topics where people can get to see your personality more/stuff you enjoy/etc

Basically this. Your post count is relatively low and will take time and more posts to build up a rapport with people on here esp. if you only post in the SA section. You will get more luck if you post more non-sa stuff esp. in threads about a certain interests i.e football, video game, cats thread.
Above all try and make yourself more visible to people on here.

schneebeli · #7 23rd November 2011, 21:10

SAUK can feel harder to 'break into' compared to other forums, which is probably down to the condition. A few people make similar posts to yours (this thread) so it certainly isn't a fault on your part. Most people will have had threads drop like a stone, sometimes with no replies. As the others say, it just needs a bit of time and posting to make some contacts and feel more a part of the community. Hope you stay around

Defiance · #8 23rd November 2011, 21:23

Quote:

Originally Posted by I Love My Cats

As for starting a thread, it can often be hit and miss. Someone can start a thread and get 2 responses and someone else can come along with a similar topic 2 weeks later and get dozens of responses. It depends on mood, timing and whether there are people who know you and look out for your posts to contribute.

actually there is a bit of an art to it.

Ploppy back in the day, and also cavegirl too i noticed would start topics that would attract a very large amount of posts. I remember at the time wondering how come ploppy was so successful at starting popular topics. I mean on one or two occasions his opening posts didn't even have any words ..it just had a "." or something , so i started to take a better look at his general posting style ..and compared it to topics made by users which seemed to not be very popular and it didn't take that long to pinpoint some of the things that he was unwittingly doing which were making his topics attract more posts than others.

so when i made topics, i tried to remember some of the stuff ploppy appeared to do ..and yeah it did seem to make a big difference and attract more posts (still not as popular as ploppys topics though... lol)

Cavegirl too,
we were never busom buddies, but i've got to hand it her. the girl does know how to get a good topic going.

probably hard to look back as these people's posting styles in topics now as they tend to change accounts/delete posts fairly often, but yeah, back to what i was saying, there is definitely a bit of a nack to starting popular topics...

Johnni · #9 23rd November 2011, 21:28

I think with creating threads its about 2 things, how interesting the topic is and how well/clear its written.
Some of my threads (mainly in the lounge) do alright but some of my past SA related threads hardly no one replies to. I think that's down to not many knowing what to write as the issue was probably something they knew much about (BDD for example) and/or i found it hard for them to know what i was on about as i found it hard to write it clearly what was on my mind.

Defiance · #10 23rd November 2011, 21:38

to be honest there's many many little things that all add up to how well a topic does. how much people can relate to the thread/what you are saying is probably the biggest thing to consider if you are hoping to get a lot of posts....

schneebeli · #11 23rd November 2011, 21:43

apart from an ongoing one here (that was Ploppy's idea anyway come to think of it) the most popular thread I started was just a random 'What's your favourite colour, baby?' with nothing in the first post. It went on for pages

Defiance · #12 23rd November 2011, 21:51

Cavegirl, she seems to come and go these days. no idea when she'll be back to visit..

Defiance · #13 23rd November 2011, 22:03

i think my record on here was something like 1500 replies. the internet dating thread.

schneebeli · #14 23rd November 2011, 22:04

Quote:

Originally Posted by clawhammer

I think my record on here is 333 replies.

That's a key to a good thread isn't it - specific subject, but that gives everyone the opportunity to post something.

Quote:

There's a thread I started on the Leonard Cohen forum back in 2008 that's so far had 13,093 replies and 338,596 views.

blimey!

Blade · #15 23rd November 2011, 22:26

Food for thought , maybe im just not meant to have any friends , real or cyber !

I Love My Cats · #16 23rd November 2011, 22:28

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blade

Food for thought , maybe im just not meant to have any friends , real or cyber !

Or maybe you need to start a thread on favourite flavours of crisps, or Leonard Cohen?

likeme · #17 23rd November 2011, 22:35

classic SAUK thread, you fit in just fine

Phool · #18 24th November 2011, 11:29

You had 20 people welcome you back on your "I'm alive" thread, so there are 20 suckers who like you.

Your therapy thread belongs in the recovery room not in here, hence lower number of responses.

Threads entitled "serious question" tend not to be looked into because people are busy and will only open a thread if a) the title tells you what the thread is about or b) they know the person starting the thread. I opened this because I like your posts and wanted to see what this was about.

There are lots and lots of threads on here,so people can't reply to everything all the time.

As I said in another thread, I've had threads with few or no posts,I'm not bothered, its quality rather than quantity that counts.

The Third Policeman · #19 25th November 2011, 05:37

You are welcome here Blade.
Personally speaking, I know when I am depressed I want forums, or twitter, or facebook to be what I'm missing. Good friends. Social anxiety makes it hard to build a network of social interaction. For me, only real friends will help my struggles seem less, and that means going to my group and doing things.
I hope you keep posting.

Mr Ploppy · #20 25th November 2011, 05:44

I've been here for years and never fitted in (whatever it means) or made any online acquaintances.

Defiance · #21 25th November 2011, 13:02

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr Ploppy

I've been here for years and never fitted in (whatever it means) or made any online acquaintances.

If you feel that way about things then thats mostly your own doing tbh. As in the past LOTS of people have been friendly to you on here, you can't deny that.

Ben1981 · #22 25th November 2011, 16:47

Blade it might be an idea not to restrict yourself so much to this part of the forum and maybe be a bit more active places like the lounge where things are a bit more uplifting. Even if you just post in the non serious threads (i.e Rate the last film you watched, what are you eating/drinking etc) it will give other members some idea what sort of person you are and a good platform to start building up a rapport with others.

Blade · #23 25th November 2011, 20:50

All good answers , thanks , lots of replies , looks like its my own fault , which is a shame really because i do try , phool of the 20 people who replied only nine were not me after bumping the thread to try and get a response ! and some of them were not replies just statements in general .I know some posters get 1500 replies but how does that help me ? i guess because none of you know or understand me its difficult but i kinda thought this place above any other place would understand , some take any minor criticism as a attack on the site , which it really isnt , im just trying to make sense of SA with similiar age people who can relate to my problems . I do know its my own fault , honestly i do , and im trying , so ill take on board what you all say and try harder . I just want to be normal

Mr Ploppy · #24 25th November 2011, 21:30

Quote:

Originally Posted by Defiance

If you feel that way about things then thats mostly your own doing tbh. As in the past LOTS of people have been friendly to you on here, you can't deny that.

I can deny it as I don't agree. There is a difference between being polite and being friendly/making friends.

Golz · #25 26th November 2011, 02:17

Quote:

Originally Posted by Johnni

You will get more luck if you post more non-sa stuff esp. in threads about a certain interests i.e football, video game, cats thread.
Above all try and make yourself more visible to people on here.

For me, I found that ended up causing a split where chat about them subjects like football has probably been my most active area allows me to build up some banter/ chat in there but it felt a bit confined to there where I feel like I 'fit in', so I can see the point the OP is trying to make, and I don't think u should view getting a lot of replies to a topic as the only way of 'fitting in' as that probably depends on subject choice, the topic title and timing of who's around when u post it to if it'll get a lot of replies or not.

That said I just realised what part of the forum this topic in, I shouldn't be fitting in here at least (age), didn't notice as came across it from the index.

firemonkey · #26 26th November 2011, 06:16

I always seem to be on the outer edges of things,never really fitting in. I don't blame anyone else for that.I have always had problems
with the mechanisms/processes of social interaction.

Artificial Rose · #27 26th November 2011, 08:42

I feel the same as you Blade

I feel I am the only one who simply does not fit in here, everyone else -despite their sa- seems to gel. But that is the sa way of thinking.

Most of us will feel this way. Just a small number actively participate on the forum, compared to the amount of members there are.
A lot of member are never even posting probably, just reading.
My post count is also low. I think I started about 15 threads in the 6 years i am a member, and i always feel like i am on the outside looking in.

Try posting lots for a week or more.
I know it can feel daunting, but it might be good "exposure" therapy for you ?!
I remember your username, and read some of your posts, and never felt that you dont fit in..as far as i am concerned you are one of them!

T · #28 26th November 2011, 09:19

Quote:

Originally Posted by firemonkey

I always seem to be on the outer edges of things,never really fitting in.

This is what i feel about SAUK maybe its my paranoia kicking in...

MrMr · #29 26th November 2011, 09:35

I think you fit in fine Blade

You post in the over 30's room, which doesn't get checked a lot, at least I often forget that the room is even there so maybe others do the same? Post around the forum a bit

, comment on other people's posts...etc.

I don't start threads anymore, or very rarely, so I don't think it's about that...it's more a question of our own individual perceptions of what you think other people are thinking, and the truth is, that is: fear of the theoretical. I'd imagine most of us on the forum tend to ruminate and worry about things and suffer unduly as a result, as well as for actual tangible reasons too.

The tendency with these problems we all struggle with to varying degrees and in different ways, is that is can tend to encourage you to place more stock in a forum, than a forum can ever realistically provide. Just see it for what it is, imperfect, lots of different opinions, but a helpful resource and a nice little community where we are not completely alone with these things...that's all, no more, no less

Johnni · #30 26th November 2011, 12:41

Quote:

Originally Posted by Defiance

If you feel that way about things then thats mostly your own doing tbh. As in the past LOTS of people have been friendly to you on here, you can't deny that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr Ploppy

I can deny it as I don't agree. There is a difference between being polite and being friendly/making friends.

Takes two to make friends though. I agree with Defiance and after a while its like why should people even bother with some people if they don't put the effort in.