how do you know its SA

[monalisa]

well ive always been shy and quiet and just say that about myself and so do others but the last few years ive been a lot worse and don't know if theres more to it or if its just shyness?

im really fed up with the limits I put upon myself, I have a car in the drive but I need some lessons as I haven't driven for years and years but I keep putting it off, I really really want to be able to jump in the car and take my son to nice places and do lots of things with him and im so angry at myself cos when I comes down to it I wont do it and we just stay at home all the time, I have no friends but he doesn't either and hes getting behind with his speech and stuff and im sure its my fault cos hes stuck with me all the time

I want to get to exercise classes too but im scared of what they will think of me. theres so many things I want to do on a daily basis but my "shyness" stops me...so does that mean its more than shyness?

im just a bit confused and don't want to be a hypercondriac and say ive got SA if I just need to give myself a kick up the arse instead, plus how to do get to a GP I think the GP will just think im being stupid and I don't know if I can face it?

ive typed this fast and not how I wanted cos I want to finish before my partner sees it cant take that embarrassment yet :-/

[Serephina]

I can really relate to your post monalisa,I have an 8 year old Son and since he was a baby i have blamed myself for everything. I can drive but I don't have the confidence to drive,and there was a time I was filled with dread at the thought of taking him out on my own,but we got used to it,we just go by bus and train and go to local places,there are sites that you cn go on where you can meet other parents and that really helped me to make friends that I could meet up with and also ideas for days out. My Son had global developmental delay when he was born and this impacted on him not being able to reach any of his milestones at the same rate as other children and I always used to blame myself for this,one of the issues that he had was speech delay,he has now got a higher vocabulary than other children his age and is very talkative. As for exercise classes, I felt like that when I first joined my gym but I have now got to the point where I really enjoy going.

[this_is_the_one]

Originally Posted by monalisa

I want to get to exercise classes too but im scared of what they will think of me. theres so many things I want to do on a daily basis but my "shyness" stops me...so does that mean its more than shyness?

People don't go to these classes to stare at others, theyre more concerned about themselves. There's too much burn, pain and concentration on the exercises.

[thequietman]

There is a definite difference between shyness and SA, My girlfriend is shy, to me the difference between the two are shyness does not stop her doing what she wants to do, She has quite a few friends etc and can easily make conversation with people. Myself on the other hand I avoid doing things because of my SA, I can't make small talk or talk to people because my mind goes blank.

[SamD]

^^^ What thequietman said. A shy person feels comfortable in a social situation, in his or her reserved little bubble...whereas a socially anxious person feels as if he/she is in a survival situation...since that is what anxiety intends to prepare us for

[monalisa]

I haven't had much luck with those netmums meetups so far
my son has no outward reason for the delay so im assuming its cos I don't talk enough/take him enough places to be around other people, hes 3 now, its good your son has come on so much, you must be so proud of him and relieved :-)

it definitely stops me doing stuff and I feel tense going to places even places I know well if other people are around, its taken me a year to get my hair cut cos I couldn't face going in to book it and I only take my son to one group cos although I hate it cos I don't know anyone there and find it hard to talk to people at least I know what to expect but I would love to take him to other things. im better if I have someone I know with me but that doesn't happen very often

[black_mamba]

It does sound like social anxiety sadly because it can creep up on anyone, it's not necessarily something you will have had all your life. A simple kick up the arse probably won't work, just like with depression, it requires a more careful considered approach.

It also sounds as if it is interfering in your life and your happiness so would you consider seeing a GP about it?

I know what you mean about your son, from his perspective. My mum was depressed (bullied by my dad) when she was growing up and despite her being normally an extrovert, she was in too much of a sad state to socialise me. I grew up almost mute. I'm OK now but it did take some work to get over. I'm not mentioning this to scare you or give you a worst case scenario or anything so please don't worry, I was an extreme case as I also had issues with my teeth so didn't talk (dental surgery gone wrong). But imagining myself as a child, I think I would've liked it if my mother talked to me more just on her own. I know mixing children with other children is healthy but if that is not possible then the next best thing would be for you to play some communication games with your son perhaps? It won't take much to get most kids to start giggling and yapping and learning new words. I don't know how old your son is but even teaching him to read might be a good way to get him to speak more? All just ideas of course, I'm not an expert! But I have worked with children and when you find that one thing that excites them they don't stop talking.

Hey where in Nottingham are you if you don't mind me asking? I'm just the other side of the Notts/Derby border. Some of us were thinking of organising a meet nearby in later summer or autumn.

[monalisa]

yeah ive had depression twice, even though ive got some of the stuff that went with that I don't think im depressed as well thank goodness but I have very low self esteem and I get angry quickly and stressed about the silliest things so some of the depression stuff but not the low mood constantly like I got with that.

I do talk to my son -hes just turned 3 -but I just worry that its not enough, hes not interested in anything much except getting dirty, jumping in water and CARS haha he knows all the makes of cars already, just hes got to the age where hes picking up on my moods and stuff too and everytime I get annoyed or upset even if its not with him (its usually with myself) he gets upset and says sorry mummy its so awful!

so awful how you grew up black mamba, that's a lot to overcome! the silly thing with me is I had a perfectly normal upbringing and school was ok I wasn't bullied I think its just my natural shyness has tipped into something more the last few years cos so much has happened the last few years.

ooh got to go the baby is crying. im in ravenshead btw :-)

[Dounia]

This sounds like a similar situation to the one I was in when my children were little. If your son is three you could put his name down for a playgroup. I had to pay when mine went but I think so many hours a week are free now.
Would it be any easier if you could meet a mum one to one? If so look on mumsnet.com because there is a section where you can contact other mums to meet up to chat find a gym buddy or whatever.
I know you said you are embarrassed but can you talk to your partner about how you feel? Presumably he's noticed already that you are quite isolated. He knows you so he might have some better ideas.
If any of this is beyond you just go to the doctors and see if they can help. You could take your partner for support or write down what you want to say to the gp.
Hope things improve for you.

[Dounia]

Get a part time job? Hesitate to suggest this because I'd have said I don't need more work! but it might be worth a try.

[black_mamba]

I agree with the above post maybe a play group is a good idea, encourage your son to play with other kids? Or meeting another mum one on one if that seems more manageable? Even if he continues to be shy that isn't a problem really. Many of us grow up and shy and we're OK. I know you said you're prone to over stress so maybe just focus on making sure he's happy and healthy. Being a little shy isn't the end of the world, he's got a mother who cares for him and sounds like a happy boy.

Hehe jumping in water is ace! My partner's little nephew and niece spend all day jumping in and out of a paddling pool. Simple pleasures.

If you ever fancy a day out come visit the children's farm I volunteer at (it's a bit far tho, near Long Eaton).

[monalisa]

Dounia, hes he goes to nursery a little bit already which we pay for but hell go a lot more in september
it sounds strange but I prefer small groups to one on one or big groups, that way the conversation seems to keep going even if im not talking but not so large that I feel intimidated, I actually went to a coffee morning this week at someones house and felt like I wasn't a disaster, I don't think I fit in with them though as they are very very different to me other than being mums to young children but at least I went which is a major thing to do
my partner doesn't realise the extent of it and just thinks im shy, he sees me getting stressed about going out somewhere and just gets annoyed with me for getting stressed about nothing :-/
ah that sounds ace black mamba, that's why I need to get refresher driving lessons so I can take him places like that! he would love it I just need to give myself a push to get ini that car again, ive got the forms sitting in front of me now to renew my license and then I need to find an instructor, really want to do it before the hols but that's only a week away so its not going to happen just yet

[black_mamba]

Well done on going to the coffee morning!

Yes I imagine there is a little more pressure to keep a conversation going in one on one situations.

Whenever I've had a partner who hasn't understood my anxiety it's always made me worse. Could you maybe show him some stuff online about social anxiety so he realises it's a very serious and recognised problem? Because it's not like you're getting stressed about nothing at all, even if it is a trick of the mind, your body is probably terrified.

Driving is terrifying around here I wouldn't recommend it! Half-blind OAPs in cars in narrow country lanes ... eeek! Recipe for disaster.

But if you can get to either Derby or Nottingham town centre there is a bus that drops you right outside the farm and we're doing an open day in August with loads of kiddy stuff, bouncy castles and games etc. Come along.