Why doesn't she want me?

[xNelliex]

hi

i was a teacher for many years but was dismissed at christmas through illness and difficulties with social anxiety

ive just started doing voluntary work in a forest school

i did a day last week

i was really scared but i coped

last night i texted the lady and asked her what time she wanted me today, as we'd arranged

she texted back saying leave it for this week

well of course my mind has been running on overdrive all night

what had i done or said last week so that she didnt want me today?

ive tried my best to follow the cbt guidelines of looking at emotions and fears and weighing up the pros and cons of my feelings but i still cant get past the fact that im useless

i know that theres probably a good reason why she didnt want me but its just hit my fragile confidence so much as its been hard to even start to go

my feelings that im not good enough for anything and people can not like me even when i dont think ive done anything are so strong

ive even started worrying cos i can remember putting my hand on a child's shoulder when she was needing support and my brain is telling me that praps i shouldnt 'touch' the children

what can i do to stop these feelings and try and live a normal life

usually ive been fairly balanced regarding my paranoia since ive been taking antipsychotics but this is a new 'high'

ive tried therapies to gain my self esteem and establish why im the way i am but i really need to move forwards

i just cant seem to find balance in relationships with others

last night was awful even with the meds. i tossed and turned with vivd 'dreams' of not being capable, with ppl in work trying to catch me out, with feelings that i cant cope. ending in panic attacks and tears. i havent been this bad since i started the meds

i know that work is not out of my unconcious system yet, but how long before im 'normal' again?

does anyone have anything to suggest to try and gain lost confidence back?

why do these 'small' things bother me so much and cause such mental distress?

any comments appreciated

nell x

[stripeymouse]

I'm so sorry that happened nellie! Things like this can affect you greatly and start you questioning everything esp when you were so proud of yourself for going.

I'd suggest firstly trying not to beat yourself up for feeling this way, it's understandable you are reacting this way.
Secondly, try to be patient and think of reasons that aren't about you why she might not have needed you this week - maybe she had other help or something. Wait and if it happens again, then consider that maybe it is something to do with you - NOT that it's your fault or that you're 'useless', but some clash in personality perhaps and maybe then gently ask her if there was some reason you weren't suited to it in her eyes. Then remember that this doesn't mean you won't be completely suitable somwhere else.

*big hugs* it's a long journey to go from a bad place to somewhere you want to be and it sounds like even going was a big, important step for you and you will make others, i am sure.

[xNelliex]

praps its cos shes v young?

but i tried really hard to take the back seat and not to talk 'shop' with her

i was polite and in no way assertive

just dont know whats wrong with me mouse

[the_woolly_mammoth]

Originally Posted by xNelliex

hi

i did a day last week

i was really scared but i coped

Congratulate yourself for that, it must have been hard but you coped.

last night i texted the lady and asked her what time she wanted me today, as we'd arranged

she texted back saying leave it for this week

well of course my mind has been running on overdrive all night

what had i done or said last week so that she didnt want me today?

Highly likely nothing, i'm sure they're really grateful for you doing voluntary work, could you maybe ring the person you txted and have a chat, might put your mind at ease?

ive tried my best to follow the cbt guidelines of looking at emotions and fears and weighing up the pros and cons of my feelings but i still cant get past the fact that im useless

Your far from useless, you've already said you coped in a difficult situation, and now your putting the CBT into place to deal with the situation, thats not the doings of a useless person.



does anyone have anything to suggest to try and gain lost confidence back? believe in yourself, i know its easier said than done, read back what you wrote here as if it was wrote by someone else, what would you suggest or think?


why do these 'small' things bother me so much and cause such mental distress? because small things are easily magnified into big things?

I think you've done really well and should be proud of that.

[xNelliex]

thanks wm but my heads not telling me that atm

sorry to be so down

[teal]

I am sure you did nothing wrong, mostly because if the worst you can think of is putting your hand on a child's shoulder and anyway, if you had done something, it is her job to tell you what you should have done.

The most likely reason is this:

It is very important that volunteers are treated properly and not as unpaid labour. This means that (despite your experience and previous career) she has to make sure that you are properly supported (not cos you have 'issues', just because you are a volunteer) You have only done one day so far, and supervising volunteers takes a bit of effort and time, maybe she has stuff this week that means she doesn't feel she can spare the time or energy?

It is also possible that she feels a bit inadequate, maybe her confidence is low and she didn't feel she did very well last week, and as you are experienced you might be judging her. Not that I mean you are judgemental at all - I just mean that when I was teaching I dreaded having people who knew more than me in my class.

What you should do is call her. Tell her you would really like to do it again and ask about next week, if she is vague, ask her if she thinks she will need you again at all, if she says 'no', ask her why.

[xNelliex]

ty for ur reply

ive already texted her and asked about next week

im going on thursday

ive got to try and toughen up and not be so sensitive i think

when something goes wrong i feel its the end of the world, and always my fault

volunteering is my way back to employment i hope

ty for ur concern xx

[Winnie57]

I hope that it goes well for you Nellie and that you feel better about it after your next session.

[whisper]

I totally agree with some of the other posts Nellie, it was so brave of you to go when you obviously were worried about it. I can also sympathise cos I feel the same way when little things go wrong, sometimes it's hard to get things in perspective. Plus I also tend to make assumptions & take things personally when often it's nothing to do with anything I've done or said. So blooming well done & enjoy the next time x