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  #1  
Old 5th April 2008, 07:37
xsteel xsteel is offline
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Posts: 101
Default Please move if in wrong place. Sorry.

This is not a Suicide note! It was but I talked to someone who made me think different, for now anyway. I used to post here a lot, not really under this name, another guise, I just wanted to help others. I***8217;m sorry this is long, I came close this time, too close. Just wanted to say before you go and do it, make a call, just one, if you have no one the Samaritans will listen, even if it buys you time, go on, you know it makes sense.

Well, how can I put this so as not to upset people? The thing being is that it occurred to me quite a long time ago, we're talking years here, that I didn***8217;t actually enjoy life, my life. I didn't actually want to die, that***8217;s all rather serious, but basically I don't want to live either. As my dad was rather fond of saying, or that***8217;s how it seemed at the time, "I'll make you wish you were never born" and to me that equates to I'll make you wish you were dead. And he has. I don't want to be here, I do wish I was never born. Now I can't put the blame totally on his shoulders, I must have been an awful child to make him say those things; it***8217;s just that I can't actually remember doing anything so bad? Maybe I've just blocked out how evil I really was?

Anyway the past is done, nothing I can do about that is there! But that doesn't help me in the present or the future. Let***8217;s summarize what I've managed to achieve in my 37 years. A job which I'm no good at and don't deserve, a wife which I love with all my heart, which I'm separated from, two children who are my world but I'm no good as a dad . No friends as such.
Debts beyond belief. No hobbies or interests any more. Health not good.

Quite impressive don't you think? Now there are a few roads which I could take, but me being me, and I've been told this a number of times, will take the easiest way. I have tried to turn things around, but because I'm so thick, ugly, pathetic worthless and weak the outcome is as expected. So what do I do? Do I keep working out the old back muscles, pumping that spade, digging myself deeper into the pit, randomly lashing out at those whom I love because I keep hitting solid rock which I can't break through? Or do I lay down the tools and say ok, I gave it MY best shot, time to leave it.

The conclusion I have come to has not been easy, nor been clouded by irrational thoughts, although there are many on a daily basis. I've had time to think about this, and really think it's now the right time. Being a rather procedural person I now need to sort out the time line, the chain of events which will lead up to the ultimate. The crazy thing is now I've decided what to do; deep down inside I can feel a spark of excitement, at the prospect of doing something, seeing it through to the end, finishing the job! This is something I CAN control, nobody can tell me I'm doing it wrong, or it's not good enough, there are no external factors effecting me, I just have to keep my mouth shut, don't create suspicion, although laughably I don't have anyone to tell! lol...

So the next job I guess is the "Note***8221;, before I get too bogged down in the details of task. I'm guessing that Julie will be the one to find me. The one person who has supported me and stood by me, the one person I have made so miserable on a daily basis. For this I am truly sorry, I blame no one, it's down to me, and I***8217;m an adult and take full responsibility for all of my actions over the years. I was just deluding myself, thinking for the last month we were happy, I didn't realize I had "moved myself in to YOUR house" and threatened and intimidated you and our children. I guess I was just too wrapped up in my own grief, or self importance, or self loathing to notice. I never realized I was "sliming around you, making your skin crawl" when I honestly thought I was showing you love.
I could go on and on making excuses for myself, but I just don't want to torture myself anymore. I'll just say sorry, and I mean it.

There are no words I need to say to friends, since I have none. Work colleagues won't notice I've gone lol...
Parents won't notice a difference, since I might as well as live on another planet for the amount of interest shown.
So to all of you I say goodbye, it's been special.

Now I need to do the research into the technical aspects of it, already started on the process. I've been keeping myself awake for the last couple of nights, and not eating. So on the chosen night I should be pretty tired and fall asleep easily, I'll also have a big dinner and a couple of beers that should send me to sleep easily! The rest should be pretty easy. Not too sure about the size of the room yet, maybe better to use the smallest room. Seal the window and door with good old sellotape that should be all I need to do! Probably leave this note on the computer screen.

Endless sleep, bring it on, can't wait!!! How do I purchase a disposable BBQ at this time of year? Hmm have to look this weekend!

Oh well better get some work done, finish this off when I know some more. Friday 4th April.

Home now, feeling rather strange!! Can***8217;t stop laughing!! Had a go out the self harm thing, decent gash on my arm but did***8217;nt satisfy me, just made me laugh my ****ing arse off!!! Tell you what though I***8217;m that ****ing thick I did it on the wrong side of my arm!!!!

Problem with the plan, no cash!! Can***8217;t go and by a bbq!!

Problem solved!! Found some instant lighting charcoal in shed! Result. Got a pan from kitchen, BBQ!! Just need to tape up windows. I think I***8217;m gonna do it in Ellie***8217;s room, she doesn***8217;t live here anymore, just me here now!! I feel a little guilty for using her room but it***8217;s the smallest, even got that scabby mattress thing in there, so should be able to get to sleep!

I***8217;m tired as hell now, no sleep, or medication for 3 nights so I reckon by Saturday night I will be tired enough to fall asleep easily***8230;

xxxxx has texted a couple of responses to my text to her, a cry for help but she***8217;s not interested, says I***8217;m blackmailing her? It was just one last cry for help, I***8217;ll leave her alone now, she doesn***8217;t want me hassling her. She***8217;s got her new friends now you see, I don***8217;t fit into her future any more. Can***8217;t say as I blame her really, who***8217;d want to be with me?

Nothing more to say really, I feel tired and dizzy, arms bleeding pretty impressively now, but feel like I***8217;m gonna pass out***8230;Boo!!

Well as predicted, world 1 Mark 0***8230; hah hah***8230;
At work today they even went round with a sweep stake for grand national, everyone had a horse, or 2? I didn***8217;t even get asked if I***8217;d like a go!! Lol***8230;. Gotta laugh eh! Or go mad! Oh I already have!! That***8217;s even funnier!***8230; Tired and weak now going to have to lay down a bit***8230;
Hopefully wil b able to wright more tom***8230;If I don***8217;t die in my sleep!! Hehha some luck!

I went out in the car, xxxxx car, the Megane, that***8217;s why I couldn***8217;t smash it, I want the kids to be safe in a decent car., tried, went really fast just didn***8217;t have the bottle! Typical.

So it***8217;s back to plan A, at least it will be peacefull, that***8217;s what I***8217;ve read anyway? I really don***8217;t want to wake up being sick or nothing!

Had a day off work sick the other day, tried to phone in but kept getting engaged signal so I emailed them. Got this in response from my boss.

Mark
In the future please phone the office when you are unable to make it to work as the people you email may also be off work like I was today. If I knew you where off I could have added extra resources to Regents Place as the issue dates are tight to say the least. As it is you***8217;re performance is sub-standard to say the least and I need to meet with the powers that be to discuss you***8217;re future if any with xxx. Other people are more committed to the job as regards to hours, family commitments should not interfere with the company workload.
Others are hitting 50 hours per week, in the office and we expect more from you. If you cannot comply with this simple request then I suggest you may find suitable employment elsewhere.
Michael.
Nice to know I have support eh!
Anyways think I***8217;ll go an spend the day in bed, can***8217;t stay awake!! Hard work stopping awake all night.
By the way I***8217;ve phoned the Samaritans, so nothing to see here, I***8217;m not ending it, they've managed to buy me a bit of time I think, just shows you how close you can get though....who knows what the future brings!? (Joke)
Thanks guys
M xxx
  #2  
Old 5th April 2008, 07:51
Wheelie Bin Bird Wheelie Bin Bird is offline
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Default Re: Please move if in wrong place. Sorry.

Just reading the first two paragraphs was enough for me,
Youve done nothing wrong
  #3  
Old 5th April 2008, 12:44
W!llow W!llow is offline
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Default Re: Please move if in wrong place. Sorry.

Xsteel, it sounds like you are under a lot of pressure. When I showed this post to my husband (I really wanted to respond but didn't know how to - everything seems so inadequate when someone feels the way you do) he was really annoyed about how the people you work for are treating you. They should have a stress policy so they should know what to look out for in employees under stress, not kick you when you're down.

You have a really bad opinion of yourself and I can guarantee whatever problems you have that is not the true picture.
Quote:
I'm so thick, ugly, pathetic worthless and weak
That is not true. I know you are hating yourself at the moment but that isn't true.

You may see yourself of no value. I am sure your children would definitely rather have you around. Your relationship with there mum may be rocky and they might if they are young seem to take her side because they don't understand yet. (sorry if I get this totally wrong). I don't want to make you feel guilty but I do want you to see that however you feel about yourself and however rocky and agro things are at the moment your not being here would have an impact on them. You actually seem a really thoughtful person and I know you are thinking of other people,(from your post I can see that) thinking they would be better off without you but that is depression talking.

I really hope you will stick around and get some help that you deserve.
  #4  
Old 5th April 2008, 13:49
xsteel xsteel is offline
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Default Re: Please move if in wrong place. Sorry.

Thanks for replies, I know how difficult it can be to reply to someone who seems to have lost the plot!

I am under a lot of pressure, but surely, I’m a grown man for gods sake, I should be able to handle it? Everyone else does! I appear to anyone who doesn’t know me as normal, I hope so anyway, but inside I’m dying. I do hate myself, I don’t like 1 inch of myself inside or out, and I know it’s the depression, but I can’t do anything about it.
I saw a psychiatric nurse through the NHS who concluded I needed to grow up, stop feeling sorry for myself and go to relate for relationship problems, then signed me off. I had CBT and got nowhere, I had hypnotherapy, it didn’t do a thing. I’ve been on more medication than you can imagine, Citalopram at the moment, have been for years.

I really can’t see any other place to go with this, I have tried honestly.

Trouble with work is it takes me an hour to get there and an hour back, driving down the M1 is stressful enough at any time. They just want more out of me than I can give. I am absolutely exhausted to the point where I have fallen asleep while driving to work. If I carry on I will god forbid hurt or even worse kill some other innocent person. I had a month off with depression following seeing a new GP. An Indian Doctor, actually ended up hugging me and crying with me. My boss made me phone in by 8.30 everyday, and when you’ve been awake all night contemplating ways of ending your life it’s kind of hard thing to do.

I’m a fighter, but I’m just too tired now. I have developed a negative mindset that tells me there’s no point in fighting on, I have achieved nothing.

My babies are 3 and 6 and I don’t want them to see daddy like this anymore, surely they’re young enough to get over not seeing me? Whether this is the case or not I have programmed myself to accept that they will.

I’m a quiet guy, keep things to myself, this is the only place I have ever spoken honestly.
With the therapy and stuff I struggle to open up, tell myself they think I’m a pathetic freak.

My wife made me change the account to where my wages are paid in, I did as she asked, some reason I can’t really understand. I have no cards or anything for that account. I’m paid monthly and literally haven’t had a penny since Tuesday. I have no food, but that’s ok it fits in with the plan! Lol…

I’m tired now, just wanted to say thanks for your kind thoughts, hopefully I can get a bit of sleep.

M
  #5  
Old 5th April 2008, 13:59
mi©o mi©o is offline
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Default Re: Please move if in wrong place. Sorry.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xsteel
I had a month off with depression following seeing a new GP. An Indian Doctor, actually ended up hugging me and crying with me.
Negatives aside, that's the coolest thing I've read all week!

Depression sucks though.
  #6  
Old 5th April 2008, 17:34
W!llow W!llow is offline
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Default Re: Please move if in wrong place. Sorry.

Quote:
I am under a lot of pressure, but surely, I***8217;m a grown man for gods sake, I should be able to handle it? Everyone else does!
No everyone else doesn't handle it just that's what we see when we think we are total failures.

That psychiatric nurse sounded out of order, probably thought it somehow would help taking that attitude with you.

You know, a lot of people I think would admire you for the fact you've been doing that job driving that distance to work each day! I know people who have never felt able to do that sort of job. I think you are absolutely exhausted by the sounds of it which always makes depression a hell of a lot worse.

Don't tell yourself that your girls wouldn't miss you. I assure you they would.

Hope you get a good sleep.
  #7  
Old 5th April 2008, 19:45
Pal Pal is offline
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Default Re: Please move if in wrong place. Sorry.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xsteel
I am under a lot of pressure, but surely, I’m a grown man for gods sake, I should be able to handle it? Everyone else does! I appear to anyone who doesn’t know me as normal, I hope so anyway, but inside I’m dying. I do hate myself, I don’t like 1 inch of myself inside or out, and I know it’s the depression, but I can’t do anything about it.
I saw a psychiatric nurse through the NHS who concluded I needed to grow up, stop feeling sorry for myself and go to relate for relationship problems, then signed me off. I had CBT and got nowhere, I had hypnotherapy, it didn’t do a thing. I’ve been on more medication than you can imagine, Citalopram at the moment, have been for years.
Even the strongest lads go through difficulties, what annoys me is this attiude of "men should be able to handle problems etc". We're only human and human being are vulnerable to feelings regardless of sex and despite what is commonly believed men are no stronger in this then women (it's even been debated that woman are naturally stronger then men), it's just that men hide it better or make more effort to hide it.

I'm amazed at the nurses attitude, had he/she dealth with you a lot in the past or was this a recent spout of therapy.

I might suggest you ask a mod to get this moved to the SA room, that way you're more likely to get replies.
  #8  
Old 5th April 2008, 20:25
aunty social aunty social is offline
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Default Re: Please move if in wrong place. Sorry.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xsteel
, I***8217;m a grown man for gods sake, I should be able to handle it? Everyone else does!
Grown man has nothing to do with it - why so hard on yourself?

There are 4,000 members on this site; everyone else is not handling it.

Stay in touch here, I really hope you find a way through this darkness.

  #9  
Old 5th April 2008, 22:09
Mama Shaz
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Default Re: Please move if in wrong place. Sorry.

xsteel I think you are being way to hard on yourself, just because you are a 37 yr old man doesn't mean you should automatically be able to cope with all the shit life throws at you, reading your post you have so much going on I'm not surprised to hear you can't cope, your company needs reporting for the way they are treating you, nobody deserves the attitude they are giving you, I really think you need to go back to the Doctors and get the help you so justly deserve. Please don't give up on life, I have been there before and I'm so glad I didn't succeed, if you work at it your life will change, don't look at the whole picture, start with something small like going to the Docs, it can be done one step at a time.
  #10  
Old 5th April 2008, 23:48
xsteel xsteel is offline
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Default Re: Please move if in wrong place. Sorry.

I’ve just got in and thought I’d write before I go to bed again! Lol I’ve spent a hell of a lot of time there today!

So late on this afternoon I kicked off big style, only with myself, nobody else here you see. Lost it, smashed a few things, had another dig at my arm, was gonna do it again!

Then read the in loving memory sticky. I have been on this site a long time, under another name back then, but haven’t been on here for quite some time with this name.
I used to talk to a couple of those people! Broke my heart, cried my eyes out. What the F**k are you thinking of you sad selfish idiot! Get some balls man and start acting like the person you want to be!

Plucked up the courage, phoned someone who suggested I ring hospital. Well I did, spoke to an A&E Doctor who persuaded me to come down. Got my wife to pick me up and take me, didn’t dare go alone. Had all thoughts of being strapped to a bed, sedated, the works. Went to the reception, my wife had to do the talking, I couldn’t get a word out. Then saw the Triage nurse, more or less straight away, guess they thought it was serious! She was lovely, didn’t judge, made me feel calm, helped more than I can explain. She showed me to a small room where I could wait in some privacy, guess she didn’t want to scare the other patients! Cheeky cow said my eyes looked a bit crazy, had I taken anything! I said no, I’ve just managed to put my bloody contact lenses in!

Anyways the A&E doctor came in to see me, again made me feel calm, took my blood pressure, took blood samples and sent them straight to the lab. Then the triage nurse came back to see me, she’d finished her shift, didn’t have to do it, but came and sat with me for a while. Why were these people going out of their way to help me? Because they did care about me!!

Next I saw a Psychiatrist who for the first time ever just about nailed my problems bang on! Moderate to severe depression combined with borderline personality disorder. Referred me to a psychologist , unfortunately 9 to 18 month waiting list on NHS! If I can just stay employed, which is doubtful I have health insurance through the company and can go private.

Next came another nurse, cleaned, stitched and dressed my arm and gave me a tetanus, even made me a cup of tea for gods sake. There are people that care! This all took about 6 hours but they never left me alone for more than 5 minutes. Bloods had come back by now which were all fine. They let me come home after I had persuaded them I wasn’t going to do anything stupid.

Problem being now if I phone in sick on Monday, by 8.30 mind! I’m convinced they’ll give me the boot! No private health insurance, and a 9 to 18 month NHS waiting list!!
Chances are I’ll have gone into meltdown by then!

I have nothing but praise for the people I saw tonight, guess they saved me. I have a lot of hard times ahead, but I know if I get to this point again, I have somewhere to go. Now who thinks I should tell them to stick their job where the sun don’t shine? Got to be a requirement for a structural engineer somewhere?

Thanks again for the replies, it does mean a lot when you’re trying to get things straight in your confused little mind!

Thanks everyone, bed time, again……..

M
xx
  #11  
Old 6th April 2008, 02:20
Winnie57 Winnie57 is offline
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Default Re: Please move if in wrong place. Sorry.

Life has not been kind to you xsteel but I hope the kindness shown to you by some people has helped give you a glimmer of hope to carry on.

It will get better I'm sure
  #12  
Old 6th April 2008, 15:17
david mckenna david mckenna is offline
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Default Re: Please move if in wrong place. Sorry.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xsteel
This is not a Suicide note! It was but I talked to someone who made me think different, for now anyway. I used to post here a lot, not really under this name, another guise, I just wanted to help others. I’m sorry this is long, I came close this time, too close. Just wanted to say before you go and do it, make a call, just one, if you have no one the Samaritans will listen, even if it buys you time, go on, you know it makes sense.

Well, how can I put this so as not to upset people? The thing being is that it occurred to me quite a long time ago, we're talking years here, that I didn’t actually enjoy life, my life. I didn't actually want to die, that’s all rather serious, but basically I don't want to live either. As my dad was rather fond of saying, or that’s how it seemed at the time, "I'll make you wish you were never born" and to me that equates to I'll make you wish you were dead. And he has. I don't want to be here, I do wish I was never born. Now I can't put the blame totally on his shoulders, I must have been an awful child to make him say those things; it’s just that I can't actually remember doing anything so bad? Maybe I've just blocked out how evil I really was?

Anyway the past is done, nothing I can do about that is there! But that doesn't help me in the present or the future. Let’s summarize what I've managed to achieve in my 37 years. A job which I'm no good at and don't deserve, a wife which I love with all my heart, which I'm separated from, two children who are my world but I'm no good as a dad . No friends as such.
Debts beyond belief. No hobbies or interests any more. Health not good.

Quite impressive don't you think? Now there are a few roads which I could take, but me being me, and I've been told this a number of times, will take the easiest way. I have tried to turn things around, but because I'm so thick, ugly, pathetic worthless and weak the outcome is as expected. So what do I do? Do I keep working out the old back muscles, pumping that spade, digging myself deeper into the pit, randomly lashing out at those whom I love because I keep hitting solid rock which I can't break through? Or do I lay down the tools and say ok, I gave it MY best shot, time to leave it.

The conclusion I have come to has not been easy, nor been clouded by irrational thoughts, although there are many on a daily basis. I've had time to think about this, and really think it's now the right time. Being a rather procedural person I now need to sort out the time line, the chain of events which will lead up to the ultimate. The crazy thing is now I've decided what to do; deep down inside I can feel a spark of excitement, at the prospect of doing something, seeing it through to the end, finishing the job! This is something I CAN control, nobody can tell me I'm doing it wrong, or it's not good enough, there are no external factors effecting me, I just have to keep my mouth shut, don't create suspicion, although laughably I don't have anyone to tell! lol...

So the next job I guess is the "Note”, before I get too bogged down in the details of task. I'm guessing that Julie will be the one to find me. The one person who has supported me and stood by me, the one person I have made so miserable on a daily basis. For this I am truly sorry, I blame no one, it's down to me, and I’m an adult and take full responsibility for all of my actions over the years. I was just deluding myself, thinking for the last month we were happy, I didn't realize I had "moved myself in to YOUR house" and threatened and intimidated you and our children. I guess I was just too wrapped up in my own grief, or self importance, or self loathing to notice. I never realized I was "sliming around you, making your skin crawl" when I honestly thought I was showing you love.
I could go on and on making excuses for myself, but I just don't want to torture myself anymore. I'll just say sorry, and I mean it.

There are no words I need to say to friends, since I have none. Work colleagues won't notice I've gone lol...
Parents won't notice a difference, since I might as well as live on another planet for the amount of interest shown.
So to all of you I say goodbye, it's been special.

Now I need to do the research into the technical aspects of it, already started on the process. I've been keeping myself awake for the last couple of nights, and not eating. So on the chosen night I should be pretty tired and fall asleep easily, I'll also have a big dinner and a couple of beers that should send me to sleep easily! The rest should be pretty easy. Not too sure about the size of the room yet, maybe better to use the smallest room. Seal the window and door with good old sellotape that should be all I need to do! Probably leave this note on the computer screen.

Endless sleep, bring it on, can't wait!!! How do I purchase a disposable BBQ at this time of year? Hmm have to look this weekend!

Oh well better get some work done, finish this off when I know some more. Friday 4th April.

Home now, feeling rather strange!! Can’t stop laughing!! Had a go out the self harm thing, decent gash on my arm but did’nt satisfy me, just made me laugh my ****ing arse off!!! Tell you what though I’m that ****ing thick I did it on the wrong side of my arm!!!!

Problem with the plan, no cash!! Can’t go and by a bbq!!

Problem solved!! Found some instant lighting charcoal in shed! Result. Got a pan from kitchen, BBQ!! Just need to tape up windows. I think I’m gonna do it in Ellie’s room, she doesn’t live here anymore, just me here now!! I feel a little guilty for using her room but it’s the smallest, even got that scabby mattress thing in there, so should be able to get to sleep!

I’m tired as hell now, no sleep, or medication for 3 nights so I reckon by Saturday night I will be tired enough to fall asleep easily…

xxxxx has texted a couple of responses to my text to her, a cry for help but she’s not interested, says I’m blackmailing her? It was just one last cry for help, I’ll leave her alone now, she doesn’t want me hassling her. She’s got her new friends now you see, I don’t fit into her future any more. Can’t say as I blame her really, who’d want to be with me?

Nothing more to say really, I feel tired and dizzy, arms bleeding pretty impressively now, but feel like I’m gonna pass out…Boo!!

Well as predicted, world 1 Mark 0… hah hah…
At work today they even went round with a sweep stake for grand national, everyone had a horse, or 2? I didn’t even get asked if I’d like a go!! Lol…. Gotta laugh eh! Or go mad! Oh I already have!! That’s even funnier!… Tired and weak now going to have to lay down a bit…
Hopefully wil b able to wright more tom…If I don’t die in my sleep!! Hehha some luck!

I went out in the car, xxxxx car, the Megane, that’s why I couldn’t smash it, I want the kids to be safe in a decent car., tried, went really fast just didn’t have the bottle! Typical.

So it’s back to plan A, at least it will be peacefull, that’s what I’ve read anyway? I really don’t want to wake up being sick or nothing!

Had a day off work sick the other day, tried to phone in but kept getting engaged signal so I emailed them. Got this in response from my boss.

Mark
In the future please phone the office when you are unable to make it to work as the people you email may also be off work like I was today. If I knew you where off I could have added extra resources to Regents Place as the issue dates are tight to say the least. As it is you’re performance is sub-standard to say the least and I need to meet with the powers that be to discuss you’re future if any with xxx. Other people are more committed to the job as regards to hours, family commitments should not interfere with the company workload.
Others are hitting 50 hours per week, in the office and we expect more from you. If you cannot comply with this simple request then I suggest you may find suitable employment elsewhere.
Michael.
Nice to know I have support eh!
Anyways think I’ll go an spend the day in bed, can’t stay awake!! Hard work stopping awake all night.
By the way I’ve phoned the Samaritans, so nothing to see here, I’m not ending it, they've managed to buy me a bit of time I think, just shows you how close you can get though....who knows what the future brings!? (Joke)
Thanks guys
M xxx
did u, by any chnace, watch the 2005 champions league final. im sure u did, if not liverpool were 3 nil down at half time to the best team in europe at the time ac millan. millan walked all over them in the first half, tour them to pieces.

at half time liverpool were down and out, demoralized, deflated , no hope for the future of the game. even steven gerrard theier heroic captain who has rescued them many times before with wonder goals even confessed that he himself was deflated at half time and that he had no hope for the rest of the game. he confessed that he beleived that the game was over and that they had no chance of turning it around.

at half time there situation was bleak but wot happen? THEY TURNED IT ROUND. they scored 3 goals to make 3-3, then they won on penaltys.

there situation was bleak but they turned it into something magnificent.

ur situation is extremely bleak at the moment , so beak that u r considering ending it but YOU DONT KNOW WOT THE FUTURE HOLDS.

u might turn this around and ive the ife of ur dreams and one day ook back to now and say ''THANK **** I DIDN'T END IT ALL THOSE YEARS BACK, THANK GOD''.

DONT MAKE A RASH DECISION MATE COS U JUST DONT KNOW WOT THE FUTURE HOLDS.
  #13  
Old 7th April 2008, 13:53
Mama Shaz
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Default Re: Please move if in wrong place. Sorry.

How you doing xsteel?
  #14  
Old 7th April 2008, 23:08
mark1111 mark1111 is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: in a hole
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Fine

Default Re: Please move if in wrong place. Sorry.

hi xsteel,

I hope your feeling better, your posts are so articulate im afraid mine wont be but i just wanted to reply
  #15  
Old 8th April 2008, 08:43
W!llow W!llow is offline
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Default Re: Please move if in wrong place. Sorry.

Quote:
How you doing xsteel?
ditto
I am really pleased you got some support that you needed and its good to know they take you seriously and are there.
  #16  
Old 8th April 2008, 17:59
xsteel xsteel is offline
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Posts: 101
Default Re: Please move if in wrong place. Sorry.

I'm still here lol..
I'm a bit empty, very sad and lonely as hell. But I'm quite determined not to go back down again, just haven't figured out how to stop it yet!
Thanks guys for asking after me, it means a lot...

M
x
  #17  
Old 16th February 2009, 18:26
Mel1 Mel1 is offline
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Location: DERBY
Posts: 191
Default Re: Please move if in wrong place. Sorry.



Hiya Mark,

I cannot believe how moved I was reading your post!
My god, some parts of it run parallel to mine, I am so very sorry that you have felt/feel this way hun.

I know I have my rants but I really wish you all the very best on your journey!

I really can feel for your pain, and my heart goes out to you!
I only wish I could find more strength for the pair of us !!!

Ps: Nice avatar - So Cute!!

Melx
  #18  
Old 16th February 2009, 18:42
simon1989 simon1989 is offline
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Cloud_9

Default Re: Please move if in wrong place. Sorry.

Hope you dont do anything drastic,
  #19  
Old 17th February 2009, 12:53
hardy hardy is offline
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Inspired

Default Re: Please move if in wrong place. Sorry.

suppose your father was a liar and you were actually a good child!!
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