No stigma, no scapegoating, only working like a dog *trigger warning

[Spideysenses]

When I moved in with old flame,
The evening's we spent together
Always began with him,
Throwing torrents of abuse my way.
His favourite starter was by far:
"I have the life of a dog noo"
I encouraged him to take that job
So I did feel partly responsible.
He couldn't admit that he was tired,
So he twisted "working like a dog"
Into his version "I have the life of a dog."
He refused to admit to himself that
It was his work that
Was making him ill tempered and abusive.
But he was the same when
He was living at home.
I witnessed him after work,
Where he would verbally assault
Anyone who got in his way.
He was most irrational after work.
Consequently, months later
After moving in with him,
When the abuse wouldn't stop,
I ended up in A&E after an overdose.
His abuse - the demeaning jokes, derisive insults,
Threats to hit me, continually belittling me- did not
Take long to regain momentum.
The emotional and verbal assualts
Remained fairly constant for all
The years we lived together
But the physical assualts came
In spits and spats.
He eased up slightly when
I landed a better job.
After I had to work forty to fifty hours
A week whilst attending college.
But I couldn't live like that
Not knowing when he was going to erupt.
I remember the lull and
Him saying: I thought
We were getting on better.
I was still young when I left
And I would not have
Fought to sell the house for my share.
I worked hard and I had to leave/flee with nothing
But frayed nerves and broken self-esteem.
All I wanted was to get away from
The ticking time bomb.
When I left him, he couldn't have
Cared less if I rotted away in a ditch.
One night when he was angry and drunk,
I passed out from a submission hold
Of his own invention.
All because a man
Spoke to me at the bar.
I did nothing. Didn't smile or speak.
The bar was so busy
I had to wait for space to move away.
He flipped out when we got home
And I explained that I couldn't move
In the bar when
It was packed to the rafters.
There was no remorse
From him, after what he had done.
I had learned by then
That abusive men like him don't apologise.
I was living on tenterhooks,
Stressed and worried that
If I couldn't ease the financial burden,
By gaining better employment
Or by working all the hours god could send,
The hulk was going to lose it.

[Spideysenses]

I should never have
Needed another stay in a rehab ward.
All the pressure and all the abuse I endured,
And the conspiracy theories
Stemming from the stigma,
Stacked against me,
I had to make a choice.

[Spideysenses]

Freud said work and love. Purpose and love is better.
I am reading works from Erich Fromm.
The art of loving. The art of being. The art of listening. Escape from freedom( or the rat race)

[Spideysenses]

Justice has been done?
No not yet.
Nowhere near it.
The ball is rolling.
I won't stop it anytime soon.
I do have witnesses
That will provide statements.
Witnesses at the party
He was pushing me around
Squeezing my arm
And yelling the most
Damaging obscenites he could muster,
With people around to witness.
It was obvious he would
Have hit me if we were at home.
Colleagues who saw me
Dash home in a blind panic
When I thought I'd left a tap on.
They knew I was afraid to death of him.
Everyone knew that
There had to be a reason
Why I had not left
To get my career kick started.
He fought that man for sport
And not self defence.
He initiated the fight.
He broke or cracked their ribs
Smashed their cheekbone and more,
All for his own amusement
And thinking he would be revered.
His work more or less
Told him to grow up
And had to organise a face to face meet
In order for him to apologise
And see the injuries he had caused.
The victim of old flames vicious
And unprovoked attack
Was going to press charges
And he could have pressed charges.
Look actions have real consequences.
My old flame didn't listen,
It left no impression on him.
He bragged about it -
I am the only man who has
Ever won a fight against him.

[Spideysenses]

Never once has an outted abuser sued a memoirist - see the article below. All I need are witnesses to corroborate the truth. I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

How Not to Get Sued for Your Memoir | HuffPost
https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/us_12035000

[Spideysenses]

He was not saying what others were afraid to say. To plant a seed was the only one who told old flame to leave. No one else was that heartless. I cannot ever forgive a person for setting out to sabotage a relationship knowing the other person was on suicide watch in a hospital ward.

[Spideysenses]

I did not have a supportive family to go back to. I could have moved back. For a while. I was not a qualified professional who could rent an apartment or a flat. I should have been and of course I was mad knowing if I had not been in rehab I would have been a high flyer. It wasn't my home life alone to blame. A thousand papercuts so the saying goes. To be fair I did not think that not being able to gain a high paying job warranted
or deserved sympathy. On the contrary. I didn't think that anyone had an ounce of sympathy for me. False ploys to save their own skin but not genuine remorse. I had not lost everything. Things had changed. I had changed. But not all was lost.

[Spideysenses]

You need te kane far your bread is buttered
You hae a job my feel aunt can dae.
You are nuhin special .
Someone like you is lucky to hae a man like me,
A funny ferm reject like you.
I decide ahin under this roof mind at .
By #### I can dae better than you. Everyone Kanes.
Do you honestly hink anyone speaks or thinks aboot you?
This is the first remotely decent meal
You have bothered your ### to cook me ah week.
You left me like a spare part at a wedding.
If your nae first you're last.
At least you can say you were
Good at something at one point of your life.
Now you will never be anything after THONE place.
If you really need a hobby. You will never be a writer.
I hae higher principles than most men.
You need help.
It is ah in your soft mind.
If you canna hit me, quit bumping your gums.
No arguing if you canna hit me. Mon then.
You will come to bed now so you
Do not wake me up when you come upstairs.
If you leave you may as well put a noose around my neck
As I will be a hermit if I need to paye ah the bills

[Spideysenses]

If a person tries to make you question your worth and self respect, then they are the one not worthy of you

[Spideysenses]

Its not like I went joy riding, tight rope walking between buildings, planking at top of lampposts, base jumping or dressed up as a horse or scaled parliament dressed as banana man or batwoman.

[Spideysenses]

I did ask him: why did you stay with me? I asked him why he did not respect me even though I knew the reason. I was trying to show him he was wrong. I already knew he saw my stay as a sign of weakness and he enforced that he was not the only one who saw me as damaged goods. I tried to leave. He always coerced me back. He let me leave because he knew I needed more. First I had to tell my own family on the phone we were over. Abusive people don't apologise or admit it to themselves. We couldn't erase the dragon. I couldn't live my life constantly trying to prove that I was not and never was damaged goods and not knowing when his temper would erupt. I am not to blame.

[Spideysenses]

-Maybe you will get a lucky break
Maybe you will, maybe you won't.
You could start up
An exercise class for some extra cash
=If I wasn't already exhausted taking care of you while I am working and studying and cleaning up after you, seriously sigh
You just don't get it.
I am capable of having a real career.
You are wrong saying
I will never be anything because of...
If I stay here I won't
Ever reach what I could reach.
You are putting me in an impossible position.
The dust won't settle....
What could I have been?
I could have been an art psychotherapist
After art school and then doing a psychology/nursing degree.
I could have been a martial arts instructor.
I could have been a medic in the forces.
You know all this.
I was going to move and go
To horticultural college
There is more than floristry.
You gossip like a fish wife,
You should know that
I was known to be very intelligent.
I had the potential to study law or medicine.
I chose to work on my creative side.

[Spideysenses]

He said more than once when I pushed him for an answer that he was not just with me because he felt sorry for me. But he didn't have genuine sympathy for me as I never felt it. That's why I knew he was avoiding the question and skirting around it. He wanted a home maker wife where he was in charge. He definitely picked the wrong candidate. He must have known that if the dust did not settle, that I would be miserable in a dead end job while my brain stagnated and I would need more. I will never? I have a brain god d### it! I am dying inside being stuck behind a machine that a robot could be programmed to do. I am tired and getting more depressed as the days go on. I do not owe anyone anything. I should not have been made to feel that I owed a person for simply sticking by me.

[Spideysenses]

To combat the stigma attached to mental health. To contribute to the advancement of psychiatry. To heal my heart and mind. To show how I was smashed to pieces and how long and gruelling the process is to put the puzzle together. To highlight other forms of abuse - verbal, emotional, psychological and controlling behaviour. To write a memoir that isn't tragic but has humour and hope. To follow my heart. To find myself again and confront the ghosts of the past. To show how societal stigma can be the most damaging after effect of a breakdown. To fight back. To kill the elephant in the room. To attack the fear surrounding mental health stigma. For respect. I am worthy. For my future. For everyone who like me has had to battle or will battle stigma.

[Spideysenses]

You will set up a meeting with my parents to stop me leaving? Go ahead and try. I am not a child. I am a responsible adult unlike them.
You will have me put in hospital?
You honestly think you can do that? What will you tell the doctors? Don't you remember that they ignored my parents and listened to me? I was kept for 28 days. A full recommended rehab stay is seventy days. They won't keep me for a single second once they interview me and see I am fine. Do you realise how evil that is to even contemplate trying? I know my job is dire but I need it! If we moved I would have a better job today!
Why do you always say if I leave I may as well put a noose around your neck? You claim it is just money. Is that only what that means?
We can easily afford holidays and to actually go away at the weekend. Buy hot food for lunch.What is stopping you? We should have been celebrating being able to have gotten a deposit together.You know I will get a better job. I should already have been beginning my career.

[Spideysenses]

We stopped arguing because trying to get an answer out of him was like trying to get blood from a stone. He would not apologise if he would not admit that he had crossed the line in the first place. He truly believed he was a man of high principles who did not need to explain himself to a woman. He did not want a woman who would challenge him. Take me as I am or go to hell. I know he was still young and insecure when he said I would never be anything. But why go to such desperate lengths to avoid saying he was wrong?

[Spideysenses]

He admitted that we needed both our wages. He would take it back in an instant -but my feel relative can dae your job. He had evidently decided that he wanted me to stay in the rutt where he could call the shots. That no one would believe me over him.

[Spideysenses]

It was not a question of what I wanted. It was a question of what I needed and what I deserved. I had been in hospital for 28 days. Should I have to carry a millstone around my neck until I die?

[Spideysenses]

I was crushed enough. Even though I had chosen to write, if it were not for ward thirteen, him adding insult to injury and my unsupportive family, I should have been able to gain better employment. He reeled me in when I was at a low point in my life. But art therapy was not going to show me that just because the people in my past had been unkind and cruel, the future need not be that way. As interesting as Jungs archetypes may be, it was not going to get me out of the rutt or make a dent on the stigma I had endured. I was used to having to work for everything. I was used to tempers flaring. I was used to criticism. I was used to people being too quick to judge. I fought back when anyone tried to bully me. A person who loved me would not be content to have me as a shadow of my former self.

Yes I had doubts that no one would have me after that place even if it was only 28 days. A person may see me for who I was but could they put up with the stigma from others? Could I put someone else through that? Would someone else stick up for me? Too many questions. Too much doubt. He made me feel ashamed of my past. And all he did was talk about the past. I needed a future. I didn't need to know what was going to happen in the future. I just needed someone to assure me, I had one. Come rain or shine they would wholeheartedly stand in my corner because I would do the same for them. Not enforce that them and others saw me as nothing but damaged goods.

[Spideysenses]

Not forgetting being treated with reprehensible flagrant disrespect. His possessiveness turning to control. Disrespect manifesting into abuse. What is worse is that he was being machiavellian because he thought that no one would listen to a woman over him. I wished I had called his bluff. I had the feeling that when I left it was enough to shake him up into knowing he could not treat anyone else that way or they would leave like I had, but he would attempt to take everything else to the grave and fight for dear life, no matter how wrong he was. He enjoyed being feared.

[Spideysenses]

I knew what he meant. It was not my surname. It was the nuthouse ward. Twenty eight days at eighteen years old. It only made me more determined to fight against this unjust misfortune. It is about taking responsibility for one's actions. I needed someone other than a health professional to give me some positive encouragement and hope. Not a person intent on controlling my life. I tried to end the relationship dozens of times.

[Spideysenses]

I beat myself up for a long time. Practicing self compassion was a long journey. When I look at the big picture, I know I made the right choices. That doesn't mean I made no mistakes. They are countless. I am done with explaining myself. Explaining why. Explaining what would have been better. Done with saying other people had it worse than me. I must own my pain first. No one else can do that for me.

[Spideysenses]

I have been listening to mindfulness practitioners/authors on the go for years. Eckhartt Tolle, Haenim Sunim, Thich Nhat Hanh to name a handful. I have downloaded books on a Japanese philosophy called Ikigai. My summer audio listening commences.

[Spideysenses]

A good prognosis - The liklihood of healing, rebuilding or a cure

[Spideysenses]

I was young when I made jokes about being sent to the potato shed where I would learn how to distill vodka. (I know that not all vodka is distilled using potatoes) It was not what I pictured my future to be. I was good at my sport, I trained six days out of seven. I did not lack will or discipline. I could never have someone map out my life for me. It would be like trying to fit a square peg through a round hole. I wouldn't compromise. I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to create. That is why. I almost steered towards art school. But thank heavens I chose to write. I never anticipated that my stunt would have such a detrimental impact on my chances because I thought I would one day not be where I was. Being in hospital was a double edged sword. It saved my life and at the same time gave me a fight I never went looking for.
I greatly respected my Grandfather and I really tried with my blood father. When he came into my work, I gave him another chance. I was never going to apologise for choosing my own path. I just wanted a job with training that was a little more interesting and less mind numbing than retail. If I couldn't make my art work and write, I wasn't going to compete with people who had come from more privileged circumstances than me. Have my family alienate me and call me a snooty so and so who had nothing to be high and mighty about and should remember where she came from. My teachers seemed to be of the disposition: if you are so smart you will figure it out on your own. A lot of them, not all of them. I considered doing horticulture and being a landscaper. But this demon at that back of my mind, wouldn't leave me alone.

[Spideysenses]

What Is Psychological Invalidation? How It Happens And Its Effects | Regain
https://www.regain.us/advice/psychol...d-its-effects/

[Spideysenses]

It is proving impossible. I can't write a memoir post eighteen without including flashbacks to earlier times. So I have to recant some of my promises.

[Spideysenses]

You are an honest man with high principles, so why can't you give me one reason why you stayed with me?
How hard could it have been to say - lots of reasons! Loads. Instead of saying he wasn't just with me because he felt sorry for me, he could have said - I meant that it's good how you don't feel sorry yourself. You deserved that job where you got down to the final three. You are like me, we both have had to work for what we have got. You don't expect anything to fall into your lap, you go out there and search and graft. And of course I think you are pretty as well as smart. You will get a lucky break. Was that hard? I felt I had nothing going for me. There must be something worth salvaging if you stayed? I didn't feel pretty. Just not as ugly as I was when I wore health service bad boy prescription glasses. I knew I was smart. I had accepted my choice to use my right brain over logic. Logic can get you from A to B but imagination can take you to unknown limits and boundless places. I tried harder at a lot of things than I let on. I pretended it was effortless. But yes I was good at problem solving and puzzles and not just memorising. I had a mind of my own and I did not like being told what to do. I didn't intend to put myself into an all or nothing, do or die scenario. But that was where I wound up. It wasn't my fault alone. I felt like my family and old flame barely knew me. I was an inconvenience and then not worth it. Nobody wanted to see me do well. I was always going to burn out after my upbringing and life as a youth. It was plain as day. One day it was going to catch up on me. So I thought it may as well come faster.

[Spideysenses]

If anyone was to complain about not having the life they should have, it was me, not him. I was the one who was expected to give up my hopes and ambitions for him, not the other way around.

[Spideysenses]

I understood and knew that it was male windup procedure. I will decide. It is used to delay answering usually or another way of saying: I am too busy right now. But odd flame found a way to have a dig at me at the same time. I'll decide.
I decide ahin under this roof.
Is your name on the mortage? Nut it isna.
So quit bumpin your gums.
I decide I told you I'll decide.
I wear the troosers,
A woman could niver dae my job
So ahll decide. Get the picture?