Friends

[Dannysbabe]

I've noticed on here that lots of people talk about their friends so maybe their SA isnt too bad? Apart from a few online friends I've not had a close friend for over 20 years. She was my best friend at school and we both left school age 16 and stayed in touch til about age 18, but she had a job and had a new best friend so as usual I was pushed out and despite trying to keep in contact with her she eventually faded away. I've heard she's been married for 12 years now and they have three kids, I feel so left behind!

But what I am interested to know is how and where did you meet your friend(s)?

[Pal]

The thing about me is i have very very few close friends but tons and tons of aquantances/distant friends.

[Innervision]

Originally Posted by Dannysbabe

I've noticed on here that lots of people talk about their friends so maybe their SA isnt too bad? ...

...But what I am interested to know is how and where did you meet your friend(s)?

I'm not so sure that it is a certainty that having friends means our SA is not too bad. Personally, even when my SA was truly crippling, and we are talking decades here, I still had friends.

I met my two long standing friends via work ... when I could work, that is. One goes back to 1987 when I worked as a gardener and the other is a relative of a client I had when I was a care worker from '95 - 2002 when I had to give up work because of dreadful SA.

I've since made new friends too, and I met them in college, on training courses and in a voluntary work placement. This all sounds like my SA may be pretty mild, but in reality it almost killed me on a number of occasions when breakdown resulted and suicide seemed like my only option.

To be honest, I find that putting myself in situations with other people virtually guarantees the cultivation of friendships because on some level we are going to communicate and get to know each other to some extent.

There is no law that says just because we are socially anxious we have to withdraw from social contact. Yes, that is the easiest thing to do, and avoidance does feel like the logical choice, but it is not the only choice. The only way to make friends is to work through the anxiety and still go to places where like-minded people go and try to mix with them as best as you can. A mutual interest is a great ice-breaker. I'm not saying it's easy, but to make friends we sort of have to meet potential friends half way by getting amongst them and communicating as best we can at the time. If we do that, the rest should fall into place over time.

[W!llow]

My closest friend is one I had before my anxiety became a real problem. There were times when I could barely see her but we have always kept in touch and our friendship is close again. I have some other friends but this one I can talk about most things with and she feels that way with me.

My aunty has SA and although she has got involved with men in the past (unsuccessfully) she hasn't got any close female friends I think she is very lonely in that way and I can see it is very hard for her.
My aunty's sa (or at least I think thats what makes her behave this way) does seem to make her seem quite off with people and moody at times, which I think people don't understand.

Sorry just realised I went off on a tangent there!!

[EnJay:Evolution]

All of the friends i've made in recent years were from work. I don't have any really close friends but i don't think i'm the kind of person who has close friends, SA or not. But i'm happy to have as many casual friends as i can.

I suppose it's a vicious circle. You don't have any friends because you don't go anywhere to meet people and you don't go anywhere because you have no one to go with.

I don't know how bad your SA is, Dannysbabe, but do you not do anything that involves meeting people? No work, volunteering, hobbie groups?

You say that you tried to stay in contact with your old friend, thats a damn site better than i've ever done. Every friend i've had has drifted away because i made no effort to stay in touch with them. I'm still too scared to evan text my Dad, i'm more SA when people are nowhere near me than when they are.

My rambling point is that if you had the confidence to try to remain contact with your old friend then perhaps you could be able to make new friends.

It seems hard to us SA folk but look at it from a non SA'ers point of view. They meet someone, they like them and then they ask them if they want to do something. Go for a drink with their mates or something like that. Hey presto, they've made a friend.

Obviously it's not as easy for us, what if they say no?, what would i ask them to?, where would we go?, what happans if.........?. But if you felt confident to try and stay in touch with someone who was drifting away from you then do you not feel you have the confidence to try and establish contact with someone new, someone who might want to be your friend?

I've always seen everyone i meet as a potential enemy, someone to avoid. Thats my SA. But more and more i'm seeing it as what it really is. Everyone i meet is a potential friend, not an enemy.

Of course how and where you meet someone new is something only you can decide upon. All i know is that there are loads of people out there looking for friends, evan people who already have many of them. Some people look at it as "You can never have enough friends" and i believe that.

All the best.

[Part Crab]

I met most of my current friends and club/rave-type places. I don't really talk to 'new' people when I go out now, though

[Ross PK]

I met them at school, and then you'd end up getting to know people through them, and then one day before you know it you're hanging around with them instead of your old friends.

I've also met a few through work, but we never really hung around with each other that much outside of work.

For the record I don't have any offline friends now, but it doesn't bother me that much for some weird reason, maybe it's because I know that I've managed to make plenty in the past and I'm almost 100% sure I could manage to make some again.

[Andist]

I don't see much of my mates anymore. There's only three of them anyway.

[Ben1981]

Back at school I used to have 11 close friends to go out and about with. But when I left school at 16 and moved away I lost contact with all but 2 of them who I did meet up with on a few occasions until a disastrous holiday 4 years ago destroyed our friendship . Since then apart from a few online friends who always drift out of contact after a while Ive had no luck meeting anyone else and not really in the right job for that sort of thing.

[DMC]

Originally Posted by Pal

The thing about me is i have very very few close friends but tons and tons of aquantances/distant friends.

Same here. I have a sense of failure inside me if I lose contact with a friend, so stay in touch with people even if it's a lot of effort on my part.

However, the kind of friends you can just phone up and say "I need to talk, can I come over?" and tell them anything I simply don't have at all.

D.

[silly-moo]

I have had no real friends off line since school....My 2 best friends both got boyfriends from leaving school and so drifted apart....then i suppose my only other friend was from college and i married him since then.....theres no one and thats like 13 years nearly Have a few VER GOOD online friends but still not met them too much of a chickeny moo :embarass:

[julie6672]

i've really only ever had two really close friends, both of them are dead now. we were like really close and i sometimes realise that im the only one of us left and i wish i could die...oh well

[Dannysbabe]

Thanks for all your replies. Julie I'm so sorry to hear about your friends, hope you will be able to make some more soon

Enjay - I don't work and havent for nearly 18 years so the confidence that had been very slowly building up soon vanished again. I don't have any hobbies really and do approx one hour of volunteer work a week, feeding cats at my local cat rescue centre.
The few people I see there are nice but all older ladies (60+).

I've pretty much avoided people as I assumed that folks wouldnt want to know me as I'm a rather quiet person, and it seems these days quiet=boring Strangely though most people I have talked to over the last few years say that I come across as very confident I find it quite hard to understand this as I'm often quaking inside and worse, actually visibly shaking

I wouldnt go to bars or pubs as they are not my scene but will try pushing myself to do more volunteering, preferably in a charity shop in town, and also try and find out about part time learning courses.

[GoldFish]

well i hope this helps you, you haven't had a job in 18 years and you find it a challenge making friends. Jobs become easier to acquire through talking to people who may know a person who needs a new employee to work for them, or there is the newspapers, dont get too fussy straight off the bat, start with ANY job to motivate you, then start looking towards your GOAL career. Make it a priority

I havent had any friends for nearly a year and when i did, what i found is that people put up with alot because they just want company, you dont have to be this party animal big talker to make friends. Sue my friends were party animals but they werent all that different to me, they posessed weaknesses in aptitude, personality, but who REALLY wants to be perfect? i personally wouldnt mind a friend who was a complete clux or a real success, dorkyness? dorkyness is awsome, i love it when people just say whats on their mind even if its silly or not smooth, wackyness.
people arnt always prejudice.

So what you'll find is that its as simple as just involving yourself in sports, uni classes, learn an instrument, go to the museum, you can meet people once your THERE! because you'll find people will talk to you even if your not that forthcoming.

The trap is when you dont go anywhere so the chances of meeting others are less likely. especially if you dont venture out, and yeh you come across ego maniacs who are arrogant or condescending, thats just something you need to expect, people like that are always out there, they want control, ignore them.

How do you make friends?
For starters us humans arnt that different from each other, we all grow up in similar environments, we all get hungry, we just happen to develop varied qualities and sometimes we become over selfish and picky as we get older.

When your a kid it was simple to make a new friend, all you had to do was sa "Hi" and then your off in the playground together, you've made a new chum right there.

Once we grow older and we;ve been through the system of education & pubity things unravel and the system becomes compliated by "image" ..."peer pressure" ..we understand "prejudice" and the need for "popularity" ...becomes a standard expectation.

My advice is as simple as just to "Try"