How is everyone feeling? (31)

[Lone Dog]

I felt quite reasonable this morning indoors. Then I go out to get my lunch and there are a few more people and cars around now, so the SA kicks in and I feel observed, and like some kind of target. I get my stuff and head home pronto. So much for that.

[Azalea]

Feeling rubbish lately
My Grandson was 6 on Sunday, he was still 2 last time I saw him and I miss them both so much.
Still in pain from falling over the other day, first time out of the house for 3 months and I managed to trip and headbutt a wall. Now all the bruising has come out I look like a panda with 2 black eyes and nose from my glasses. The glasses hurt to wear but can't see a thing without them.
It just feels like nothing goes right, I'm a walking disaster and am terrified of having to go outside again.

[Consolida]

^ Oh no, so sorry to hear that you took a tumble on your first trip out in three months
I hope the soreness and bruising quickly heals and you soon find the courage to venture out again. I think a lot of us, SA or not, feel quite fearful about being out and about at the moment. Hopefully a vaccine will be found, sooner rather than later, so that things can start to feel safe ish and normal ish again - whatever the heck that is!

I hope that your grandson can someday soon be a part of your life again I really do Azalea x


I have been looking through old photograph albums so am in a very maudlin mood. A lot of people in the pictures are no longer alive or a part of my life and it makes me even more aware of how quickly the years roll by, how much time I wasted that I'll never get back and of how little time there is.

[Azalea]

^^Thank you Consolida

In some ways I don't want shielding to end, it's a good excuse to avoid people and the outside world but we can't stay indoors forever.

I doubt any of them will be part of my life again, I know what their parents are like and have heard all the poison being dripped into their minds from being tiny babies, they have grown up knowing no differently.
One thing that greatly upsets me is my ex who couldn't be bothered doing anything for his own kids (maternity appts, kids progress appts, parents evenings and school plays etc) is doing all that now with the boys and enjoys gloating about it.

I often look at old pics too, some parts of the past I want to hang on to but even though I can't see the boys and have a lot of of other problems, I know my life is so much better these days.
I can honestly say the IRC chatroom has saved my life and my sanity (although some will dispute the last bit!)

^Raks I've had a few appointments cancelled and a couple done as phone calls (which I hate)
It's hard keeping up with all the cancelled and rearranged appointments.

[Azalea]

Originally Posted by Raks1981

^^^^ sorry, just seen your previous post. I am sorry to hear about your accident, I hope you feel better soon. Everyone is prone to accidents, don't beat yourself up about it.

Thanks Raks (it's Insom btw in case you didn't know)
"Don't beat yourself up about it" made me laugh, I look pretty beaten up right now!

Ben is 7 and a half, Callum is 2 and the grandson I've never met is almost one now.
I hope they do get in touch one day, I've made them cards every birthday since then for Ben and Callum and kept them to hopefully give them one day but I won't hold my breath.

[Consolida]

^ As Raks says, I think even if parents feed their children all sorts of mean lies about other relatives there often comes a time, once the children are older, when they want to seek out that relative and find out what they are really like. I think that if I was prevented from seeing a grandparent when I was little I would be extremely curious to meet them later on. I'm positive your day will come, Azalea, although I hope it will be sooner rather than later so that you can be a part of their childhood years too

Sadly I know from experience how families can cause one another years of heartache when you would think they would just want to try to get a long together because...they are family


@ Raks I'm sorry that your hospital appointment didn't go to plan. I hope you won't have to wait too long until the hospital will actually see you in person.

It seems that everything has been put on hold because of Covid (not that getting an appointment was ever easy where I live).

My mother who was diagnosed with cancer several months ago still isn't receiving any treatment whatsoever. If you are old and ill it seems that you aren't important. And when I finally saw a GP last week for women's issues she was so dismissive, arrogant and clueless that she told me to just 'put up' with my unpleasant symptoms for the next how ever many years! She very begrudgingly said she could refer me for a hospital appointment with someone who knew what they were talking about but it turns out there are absolutely no appointments available and when they do become available 9 out of 10 people can expect to be seen within 8 months. I assume the 10th person (probably me!) has to wait even longer


Somebody stop this World, I've had enough, and want to get off!!!

[Dougella]

^ That's an appalling response from that GP! No-one should just have to put up with difficult and unpleasant symptoms. I'm glad you pushed for an appointment with someone more specialised, maybe you'll be lucky and actually get to see them (what a mess the NHS system is at the moment in a lot of places).

[Consolida]

^ She was the worst GP I've seen yet, and that's saying something!
I don't know if she was so rude and dismissive because she was in her 20's and couldn't relate or empathise with some middle aged neurotic woman or whether it was some sort of cultural thing? I know some women are generally expected to put up with period/hormonal issues in some parts of the world? I dunno. My husband is now badgering me (in a caring way) to go private which I might if we didn't have a million and one other things that need money spending on

It seems that it's now nigh on impossible to get an appointment with a specialist on the NHS in some areas of the country. I was just watching a video where people were struggling to get NHS Dentist appointments BEFORE the Pandemic and now it's impossible. And some of these poor people were living in extremely deprived areas so had no option but to suffer in pain

[Dougella]

^ Do they deliberately employ the worst GPs possible at your surgery! There does seem to still be a lot of denial around issues that specifically affect women, particularly anything that involves pain. We're still just expected to put up with things when it involves periods or the menopause unfortunately. Sometimes it seems that female doctors can be even worse, you'd think they'd be able to empathise with other women but in some cases it seems they are even more dismissive. I've heard women say they didn't believe period pain was that bad when they heard other women talk about it until they actually experienced it for themselves Maybe some myths around women being neurotic and hysterical are still persisting.

Anyway, I think your husband could be right that it would be a good idea to go private. Your health is important.

[Azalea]

^ Consolida I'm sorry your GP is so dismissive and agree with dougella about female GPs
I'm considering a private consultation with a cardiologist to speed things along a bit, health is more important than money.

[newbs16]

^^^ If I was you I wouldn't ask for a referral, I would also consider changing GP'S because what you have told us previously they are always pretty useless.

If you have some spare money I think money well spent, your health is more important than money and they might be more interested if you're paying.

[Merritt]

I feel really sad and I don't know what to do with myself. I self-harmed my age onto my leg last night, not totally sure why, but it felt good to graffiti my body like that. I haven't done that sort of thing since I was a teenager, cutting words and the like.

[sophie79]

I'm feeling rejected. Hate it when someone stops talking to you and you've no idea what you did wrong.

[Dougella]

^ That is a really hard thing to deal with, your brain always goes to the worst place doesn't it! Sometimes you find out that they were just busy or it really wasn't anything you did though.


^^ I'm not sure what to say Merritt but I hope you're alright. Have you been thinking about your age or anything recently? (I had a complete freak out when I was 34, no idea why.)

[anxiouslondoner]

That feeling when lockdown is easing off and you think you can finally go out and be sociable
but then you remember that you couldn't really do that before lockdown either

[Toxic]

^ Yeah, now I have no excuse to not do anything, what a bastard

Did you do anything this weekend? "Binged on netflix for 12hrs a day on my own" was a lot more acceptable response back in April

[anxiouslondoner]

^ nope, apart from going to the supermarket.
I did spot someone I recognised from Youtube in Crystal Palace though, so that's something. I smiled at her, but then I remembered I was wearing a mask, so she probably couldn't even tell...
I haven't even watched any real TV or films during the whole of lockdown.

[Azalea]

Originally Posted by Raks1981

Hi Insom! I remember you, Northern Southerner-Hater

Originally Posted by Raks1981

i hope you heal up soon - you're in good hands with your significant other

I know, I'm very lucky, he has changed my life

Originally Posted by sophie79

I'm feeling rejected. Hate it when someone stops talking to you and you've no idea what you did wrong.

Most of the time you've not done anything wrong, it's hard not to feel that way though.

[Appear]

Functionally adequate.

[Professor Willow]

Increasingly depressed and lethargic.

[Tom Morello]

So bored of life right now. Before lockdown things weren't great but I at least had motivation to improve and go out. Now there is nothing, lockdown lifting isn't making any difference. I haven't felt so consistently low in years, this despite having private counselling for several months. 2019 was probably the best year of my life in terms of improvement and outlook. 2020 has been the worst by a long way.

[Dougella]

^ Was it going to uni that made 2019 so good? Do you think when things do eventually get back to a proper normal that you will start to feel better again?

[Content-Contentlessness]

Not doing well at all. My first blog post expains why. It's very hard to get the images and fear to stop. Today someone is comming over to assist me finding a pyscologist. I recently had shoulder surgery, but this pain I am now feeling is much worse. It's hard to hold my head up and I am now fearful of everhyone.

Exscuse typos. Posted from phone in bed. Just woke up. Srry if too much of a downer. Saw the Title and just felt It might be benificial to just say a little.

Have a good day/evening.

[Tom Morello]

Originally Posted by Dougella

^ Was it going to uni that made 2019 so good? Do you think when things do eventually get back to a proper normal that you will start to feel better again?

I think so but then it fall apart in the new year with problems with the course, not being able to go back home often enough and other issues. So it can't have been that good.

And honestly i don't know, economic uncertainty isn't helping me at all and I don't feel my future is secure in the slightest. I need a boost I think because the last 6 months haven't had any positives for me really.

[Merritt]

Originally Posted by Dougella

I'm not sure what to say Merritt but I hope you're alright. Have you been thinking about your age or anything recently? (I had a complete freak out when I was 34, no idea why.)

Thanks, Dougella I guess it has been on my mind, and with my therapy ending (well, ended prematurely due to the lockdown) and my medication turning out to be no more beneficial than all the others I've taken, I've been feeling a bit hopeless. Like, nothing has made things better, I have no prospects of things getting better, and I'm getting past the age I can at least tell myself I'm still young and might still grow into myself somehow.

[Consolida]

Originally Posted by Raks1981

Consolida - what stage is your Mum at with her Cancer? (The Level). (It's ok if you don't wish to say). I ask because my previous bosses wife has Level 4 cancer (terminal), and after numerous cancer treatments, they gave her the bad news that she 3 months to a year to live. She was still offered cancer treatment though (which she refused).

It baffles me that they wouldn't offer it to your Mother asap, I guess it is a waiting list issue. My gran was diagnosed with cancer around Jan 2019, with her being 83 and her Cancer being advanced, they didn't think it would be worthwhile her having treatment (she passed away in May 2019).

Hopefully someone with sense will see that your Mother needs the treatment asap, and give you more information so you don't have to worry.

I'm sorry I've only just seen your post Raks.
Thanks as always for your kind feedback

Firstly, I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother. It's never easy losing a loved one even if they are very old and their passing is expected.

As with your grandmother, my mum is very old so even if the cancer was of the curable kind (it isn't) realistically every year, month, week, is now a bonus. When loved ones are in their 80's you know that they won't be around forever but that doesn't make it any easier and you hope that their final years will be as free from suffering as possible. The Pandemic has certainly put a big spanner in the works regarding making the most of whatever time there is, but hey such is life. Of course, things could always be worse as the families of 40,000 plus dead (some of them way before their time), would testify


I've been struggling so much lately that I can barely function or even communicate on this forum, but I'm trying my best to feel cautiously hopeful. My husband, bless him, has booked me an appointment to see a private women's Doctor next week to find out if it is my ageing hormones that are making me feel so physically ill all of the time. Maybe this time next year I'll be a new woman - yeah right

Wishing everyone on SAUK who are currently struggling better times ahead

[Utopia]

My general anxiety has got worse all of a sudden, but my mood has been way more level headed since taking a simple 1000mg Omega3 capsule daily (70%EPA 30% DHA). I feel like my positive emotions are coming back online and I have less emotional pain in response to very little thought (even if completely blank). It's surprising but it does help depression, and with that my BPD symptoms I was dealing with regularly over the last year have diminished and I can just focus on my work. So quite stable, but still not many 'good' days; I guess that's understandable given the situation.

One thing I wanted to say is - the pandemic in the UK is coming close to it's end and a vaccine and/or good treatments will be avialable soon. It is probably quite safe to go out again and this weekend hasn't (so far) lead to an increase in deaths. This is all good news for things going back to normal with most things very soon, even if we get a second wave, much of the population will have had the virus and a vaccine will be close to being rolled out I would think. People have been unable to socially distance as it is, so I don't see the point in the law. It's been a relatively miserable time for all of us I think.

[twosocks]

perplexed, i write something thats making my matter work and pushes me a bit and theres not much response. i write something thats not really anything about anything, thats quick and wishy washy and people lap it up. bizarre.

[anxiouslondoner]

^ sounds about right. Probably related to the bike shed effect (nobody wants to comment on the design of a nuclear reactor but everyone has ideas for the colour of the bikesheds)
I read something about a law (theory) about forums a while ago, which says that if no-one responds to a post, it means either nobody understood it, everyone agrees with it, everyone disagrees but thinks it's too wrong to even try, nobody cares or nobody saw it. Or some combination of the above.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Warnock%27s_dilemma
In fact on here you can add the possibility that people were just too anxious to say anything for whatever reason.

[Sisyphus]

Meh.

I have started back on trying to sort my head out and bam, awake in the early morning due to dreams that press all my buttons. Last three nights in a row.

Coasting during the lockdown was cosy and I slept so well.