The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning - Page 15

Rianne · #**421** 29th January 2018, 12:26

^^

Can you not talk to your mum about how you***8217;re feeling? Would she be supportive or would she tell you to just get on with it? I used to talk to my mum ( when she was alive) but she generally saw things from hubbys point of view! I had issues with the fact that hubby pursued his sporting hobbies and was never around to help with the kids and in my view lived married life as if he was still a single person. Mum would point out that I was comfortable, didn***8217;t have to work, had a roof over my head etc etc - all very true. And that hubby was a good man, as you have said about your partner. Very true, but if you feel that someone is ignoring feelings that are important to you, it doesn***8217;t matter how good a person they are. Resentments build up.

Rianne · #**422** 29th January 2018, 16:54

^ It***8217;s difficult isn***8217;t it. Only you know how you feel about your partner and if the good outweighs the bad, then you need to focus on that. If the bad outweighs the good but you want your relationship to work then you need to be able to talk to each other knowing that each one will listen and not dismiss each other***8217;s view points as pathetic or irrelevant. I expect he***8217;s feeling more than a bit defensive after you discovered the amount of money he***8217;s been getting through. You probably need to find out why he was doing this. Understandably, you are more than a little upset that he has been doing this and I***8217;m sure you see it as an incredibly irresponsible way to behave when he has a family to care for. Deep down he might well realise that and it***8217;s affecting how he responds to you. He might see that how you are is because of how he is, and he might find that really difficult to handle. It might just be that you both need to be kind to each other, and give each other more consideration, but you won***8217;t either of you be able to do that unless you can talk to each other calmly and with patience and understanding.

Hades · #**423** 30th January 2018, 03:28

I am never going to get better. I am never going to have any kind of life. How many more years is this going to go on for? Am I really going to have to live another 40-50 years like this? All because the courage I lack in the rest of my life extends to not killing myself as well. I doubt there is anyone on this board current or past that has ever been as pathetic as I am. I really am a complete waste of life. I have nothing going for me. Stupid, unskilled, cowardly, selfish, paranoid, dull, clumsy, disgusting, ugly. Why does it have to be like this? How much longer is this going to go on for?

newbs16 · #**424** 30th January 2018, 07:32

^ I'm really sorry to hear that you're struggling so much, I hope in time things will improve for you. I would recommend trying to attend a forum or organised meetup, or possibly do some volunteering may help you in the long run.

Even making friends by using the forum may give you an outlet and somebody to talk to, I mean it won't happen overnight but it may help.

gregarious_introvert · #**425** 10th February 2018, 03:28

Well, it's happened. My latest (and last) attempt at joining the human race has failed. Not only was I bullied, verbally abused, threatened and then physically assaulted by my holidaymates in Gran Canaria (resulting in my spending the second week living rough), but another meetup member (who cancelled the holiday at the last minute) is trying to extort money from me, then I arrive home to find abuse plastered all over meetup because the people who kicked me out of the house I'd paid for had accused me of ripping them off and abandoning them - and hundreds of people who have never met me just couldn't resist supporting them and saying how evil I was.

In the past year, I have lent over £300 to people in need, who then avoid me when they're able to repay me; every time I think I'm making a friend, I find that all they're doing is using me and that they are quick to berate me behind my back. It seems that I have a different value system to everybody else (probably the result of spending so much time with no peer influences), but I believe in my values, my morals, my code of existence; it seems that the only way to be accepted is to abandon one's self-esteem and conform, which is a price I am not prepared to pay.

The dichotomy is this: if I remain the person I am, the rest of the world sees me as a worthless individual; if I conform to the values of the rest of the world, I will lose my self-esteem and become a worthless individual in my own eyes.

I cannot be a part of this world, but suicide is not an option, so I am returning to my former state of isolation.

umm · #**426** 10th February 2018, 09:06

^ Wow, that's insane. From what I can gather of you, you do a fair bit for the SA community. I can only imagine that the meetup people view an SA group as happy hunting grounds. Rest assured that not every person is like this, as I'm sure you know.

But yeah, sometimes, isolation sounds good.

Consolida · #**427** 10th February 2018, 15:13

@ gregarious introvert - that sounds absolutely awful

I’m not surprised you want to isolate yourself right now when you’ve been so badly treated but I’m sure the amount of people that greatly appreciate all that you’ve done to support them far outweighs a bunch of bullies. As Charlotte says, you strike me as someone who always has the best of intentions and cares deeply about helping others who are struggling of which myself and many others I am certain are genuinely grateful for

There are some genuinely nice people in this world and you're definitely one of them

Look after yourself GI

gregarious_introvert · #**428** 11th February 2018, 12:20

^ ^^ ^^^ ^^^^ ^^^^^
Thank you all - as you could probably tell, I was just venting (to an extent). However, I did enjoy my second week in Gran Canaria much more than the first, because despite being alone and sleeping "rough" (I did have a hire car to sleep in, although the first thing I wanted to do when I got home was have a very long shower!), I was able to go where I wanted and do what I wanted - so it all worked out in the end.

Yesterday, I had some messages from a lady on meetup who is struggling with social anxiety (she should have attended one of yesterday's events but couldn't bring herself to do it) and have agreed to meet one-to-one to see if I can help her to socialise and make friends. Unfortunately, at the same time the furore surrounding recent accusations and events have caused 50 people to leave my other meetup group (the travel-based one) yesterday alone, but I can only hope that these aren't the people who need most help.

Anyway, umm, candlelight, Charlotte Vale (where have you been hiding lately?), Muggins and jinny - plus anyone else who wanted to add support but didn't know what to say or thought it had been said already - thank you for your kind words; none of you know me in real life, so you have only the words I use to present myself as evidence of who I am. I'm no angel, I'm not always easy to be around (for all the work I've done, I'm still an Aspie) and I have as many, if not more, faults as most people. I do have strong values and ethics, that doesn't mean that everything I do adheres to those values and ethics, no matter how hard I try; I just hope that I do more good than harm!

Consolida · #**429** 17th February 2018, 02:06

^ I hope your days of not thinking about it get less and less Rebka

Your posts always make me smile

Keep up the fight, you have such a lot to give

newbs16 · #**430** 17th February 2018, 02:33

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rebka

i think about it everyday but Less days now than others. I keep
Thinking lot of new ways to live

You are lovely and I hope things continue to improve for you. You really do brighten up the forum and you make me smile.

jd90 · #**431** 17th February 2018, 09:39

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rebka

i think about it everyday but Less days now than others. I keep
Thinking lot of new ways to live

You have so many! All your posts make me smile or laugh

Stay strong and keep going, things can and will get better

jd90 · #**432** 17th February 2018, 10:45

I hadn't had thoughts like these for probably over a year, past couple weeks though, they've come back. I feel so trapped. Trapped at home, trapped in every way. I hate home so much, I have severe, severe, issues with my mum, I feel like i'm in Catch 22. I could beat sa if I left home, being free of here would make me feel amazing, but i can't go because of my sa, i'd just end up back here, tail between my legs (or so I think) I think about it every day though. And I've been feeling really alone recently, maybe i'm just having the month from hell but yeah thoughts have crept back in which depresses me even more. I just seem to have the same routine, shit weekdays, barely do anything on the weekend. Stressed or depressed or both almost constantly.

jd90 · #**433** 17th February 2018, 20:23

Quote:

Originally Posted by jinny

That's a terrible situation jd, I understand it very well. My mum is a narcissistic and more than being a bad parent, she is possibly the meanest person I know. I was just the same (am still the same in some ways) that I am healthier away from her, but my childhood left me unable to cope with the world. The last time I lived at home my children were babies and my husband had cancer and she nearly finished me off with her cruelty over the situation.

You need a plan to become more independent. Its doable. You need support too. Have you got any support through the health service? Seen a wellbeing practitioner or anything like that?

Hang in there xx

God that sounds horrific. To be cruel when you're going through all of that. My mum is just selfish and utterly unable to empathise.
No not any more. I think i'm just having a really hard time atm, maybe it'll be alright soon...

Rocket Spud · #**434** 18th February 2018, 01:36

Christ i'm miserable

Consolida · #**435** 19th February 2018, 07:46

I have such awful thoughts

Please don’t quote.

Rianne · #**436** 19th February 2018, 16:59

^ I think that to get the best out of life we have to learn to live in the moment and NOT stress over the past, or the future. It***8217;s much easier said than done. Letting life go by is one of my big worries. But, if I stopped worrying, and started doing, I might feel an awful lot better! We sometimes spend so much time worrying about what we might or might not be able to do that we take the enjoyment out of life and end up doing nothing.

Consolida · #**437** 24th February 2018, 17:55

Just so lost

Consolida · #**438** 25th February 2018, 01:19

Thank you for all the kind words x

newbs16 · #**439** 25th February 2018, 02:50

^ I hope you're okay muggins, please take care of yourself.

newbs16 · #**440** 25th February 2018, 13:27

^ I agree with you biscuits, Muggins has always had time for me on and off this website. A few years ago, she would always take the time to respond to posts and provide great comfort when I really needed someone. She is such a lovely day and just deserves to be happy, take care muggins.

Consolida · #**441** 25th February 2018, 15:32

Aww, thanks Biscuits and newbs, you’re both such sweet ladies xx
I’m feeling a little better today thanks, even stepped outside briefly to plant a few spring pansies. It was flipping cold mind you!!
I’m so glad that I sometimes say something helpful or comforting in my rambling posts because often I feel I have very little to offer. Likewise, I greatly appreciate all the feedback from the lovely folk on this site

newbs16 · #**442** 25th February 2018, 19:49

^ I hope you start to feel a bit better soon Skitz.

blancmange · #**443** 25th February 2018, 22:28

There isn't one redeeming quality about me. I hate myself so much it's really sad. I'm struggling with self harm today, I wish I could do something about my pathetic existence.

newbs16 · #**444** 25th February 2018, 22:38

^ You have lots of lovely qualities, I know you do.

Consolida · #**445** 25th February 2018, 23:03

^^ I agree with newbs, Dimplesxo!
Try not to give those negative thoughts about yourself the time of day because they clearly can***8217;t see all the good qualities about yourself that your friends can. Although I don***8217;t know you like newbs does, I***8217;ve read your posts and have seen how caring and supportive you are towards others. That, in my book, is the greatest quality anyone can have especially in a world where a lot of people don***8217;t care nearly enough.

Take care Dimples, you***8217;re lovely

x

Quote:

Originally Posted by Skitz

I feel like just giving up and jumping off the bridge later. Dont think there is any point in me existing anymore. Went out today wiyh friends but i just couldnt keep up cos of my suicidal thoughts. I feel lonely even when around people. What is up with me why cant i just enjoy life and be normal... i have always had depression even as a child mum said i never smiled and had to get me to smile in school photos. I swear falling out the window when i was 2 has messed me up.

So sorry you are feeling like this Skitz

I know you***8217;ve felt this low before and eventually with support you started to feel a little better so I hope you are able to hang on to the thought that these feelings of not being able to carry on will pass too. You did really well to go out with your friends today when you were feeling so low and I hope that they are able to comfort and support you right now. I can relate to those feelings of being lonely around people. Sometimes it can feel like you***8217;re the only person in the world who suffers such thoughts and feelings but of course there***8217;s so many of us out there as you can see from the many posts on here.
Look after yourself skitz

Pink*Lady · #**446** 26th February 2018, 22:34

Feeling very low since yesterday. Felt a strong urge to self harm in work and kept looking at the knives in the kitchen. I'm not sure why I feel this way. Work has become very bitchy lately for some reason and conversation is minimal. I'm very withdrawn and only speak when it's in relation to work. My chest feels as if it's crushed by a heavy weight and I'm finding it difficult to breathe.

Gomen · #**447** 27th February 2018, 01:46

Just a painful day. My younger brother acting like he hates my existence. My mom trying to make things hard on me. Work sucks, the job and pay. Its probably going to be months before I can afford a car. Im not even looking for a near new one just something with four wheels.

Consolida · #**448** 27th February 2018, 10:05

@ Pink Lady - I***8217;m sorry to hear you are struggling

I hope you are able to resist your urges to self harm and are receiving support from people. Take good care of yourself Pink Lady

@ Gomen - Are you feeling any better today?
Aw, I***8217;m sure your brother doesn't really hate you. I think most siblings share a bit of a complicated love/hate relationship. Perhaps I was lucky to have grown up as an only child!

I hope your mum lays off you a bit. They usually mean well, but seem to forget what it was like to be young!

Don***8217;t give up all hope on getting yourself a set of wheels - I***8217;m sure you will get them in the end

jd90 · #**449** 27th February 2018, 20:09

Been hellish 24 hrs, feel like i'm gonna have a heart attack. Been hitting myself with a hammer, stressed so bad my body feels like it's gonna burst. Feel like i'm on edge atm. Just feeling so down and living at home.... is ruining my mind. I'm at the end of my tether really.

Circlesquare · #**450** 27th February 2018, 21:49

Why does nothing ever work out for me? It would be so much better if I wasnt alive anymore. No more pain no more heartache no more hoping that someone will love me