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35 and nothing for me..........

Nothing down for me at 40.

Well, I am totally rubbish at meeting new people, let alone new men, since I never go out. Yup, and I mean never!
(Emote: rolleyes)

I have had r.ships in the past, so I can't say I've never had one, but I have suddenly, over the space of the last few years, become invisible to men. It's as if they've just totally lost interest in me since I hit age 33 or thereabouts.

Can anyone else relate to this?

Coupled with my SA, it's made me even less motivated to go out, if I have to be honest. I have a major "looks" issue (BDD) along with my SA, so at the moment I am practically paralysed with fear at even the thought of going out (the only time I do go out is to go to work, but only because I have no choice - gotta pay the bills).

The only way I meet men is over the internet. Thank goodness for the internet. It really is a true ice-breaker. How much easier it is to chat with someone without worrying about blushing/stuttering/being nervous and blabbering total nonsense ... and so on. (Emote: blahblah)

So, yup, people, I am an internet dater, and believe me it has brought me some fun times ... I met my ex-bf on an internet site, so it does work sometimes.

Unfortunately due to lack of self-esteem I could never meet guys any other way. I never get approached by anyone, no matter what situation I find myself in, and I never go to clubs/bars since I have no friends, so ...

It's kind of sad to have to interact with potential partners from the other side of a PC screen, but unfortunately that's the only way for me. I feel like such a minger (!) at the moment, at least I can live in hope that some of these guys will be bowled over by my scintillating personality (just kidding).

Anyway, it's just a suggestion for those of you who feel lonely out there. I know internet dating used to have a huge stigma attached to it, but that's gone now... in fact it's positively becoming the "in" thing to do. And it is (if you take the right safety precautions of course) pretty damn good fun.
Has anyone thought about setting up a dating site for people with SA? Now that would be great, wouldn't it? (Emote: kiss)

Sorry for rambling on, guys - only just joined today and love this site already... great to see so many people on my wavelength and who I can soooo relate to.

Quote: ekajati
I wish I could surgically remove the entire part of me that wants a relationship, I really hate the grief it puts me through.

I feel exactly the same. I don’t have any friends and often I feel overwhelmed by my own sense of loneliness. I know there's a part of me that's desperately crying out for a relationship, to have someone to share my life with, but these thoughts, these yearnings, these hopes and dreams, they never go anywhere – they just torture me with a greater feeling of despair and depression, of precious time slipping by. A lot of people talk about accepting who you are and what you have in life, but I don’t want to accept that I’ll always be alone. I can't stop myself from wishing I had a partner, a best friend, a soul-mate, someone to cuddle. I can't stop myself from dreaming.

Quote: scarlet diva
The only way I meet men is over the internet. Thank goodness for the internet. It really is a true ice-breaker. How much easier it is to chat with someone without worrying about blushing/stuttering/being nervous and blabbering total nonsense ... and so on.

That’s so true. I've only had the one relationship, and that happened after talking to someone online for several months. I never go out anywhere these days, so I can’t imagine any other way I’d meet someone.

Quote: scarlet diva
Has anyone thought about setting up a dating site for people with SA? Now that would be great, wouldn't it?

Yeah, that would be great! There are a few shy dating sites around, but it’s obvious from reading the profiles on those sites that the people don’t have SA. I don’t think I’d be brave enough to use a dating site for ‘normals’.
[2 edits; Last edit by Dharma_Bum at 18:55:46 Tue Jan 11 2005]

Hi Jay,

Glad you agree with me on the SA dating site thing!

I reckon it would be a great idea. "Normal" dating sites are good in a way, but you know what? It would be great to meet someone who also suffered from SA, because I would feel under less pressure to "perform" and I could be myself.

With "normal" people, if I act shy or introverted, they just automatically presume that I'm unfriendly and aloof/up myself - which is really not true!

It gets tiring to put on the sociable, chatty, confident mask on when I meet new people, until I get to know them well enough.

Can anyone else relate to that? The whole confident/sociable mask thing? I need that most days at work, simply to interact with colleagues to hide the fact that I am so shy and self-conscious. In fact most people reckon I am really confident ... when I'm really not!

I think its called acting scarlet and yes i can totally relate....my brain just seemed to shut down last year and told me it was no longer prepared to take the stress of acting like im ok when im not in social situations.....so as a result i didnt socialise at all and i too think i would be better off with someone who understands social anxiety

bud

It makes a huge difference meeting sa women, you immediately lose the pressure to be ,as Scarlet said , sociable, chatty, confident. In the end it's the same though, you need to be attracted to each other and have common interests.
I too use internet dating sites , I havent had that much success in fact so far I've only met one person which went quite well but she had kids and so ultimately I knew it wasnt for me really. I made a friend though and we stil keep in contact. Previously I just didnt have the balls to cut to the chase and ask women I'd talked with to meet never mind actually going through with it.
Im struggling a bit now though, as I'm not getting that many positive responses. I suppose its a bit hit and miss like anything else and I suspect that you're fighting for attention with about 100 other guys for every woman.
Anyway, still worth trying if you dont like the standard dating avenues as you never know. [1 edits; Last edit by madhat at 03:10:05 Mon Jan 17 2005]

Quote: madhat at 03***58;07***58;56 Mon Jan 17 2005

. I suppose its a bit hit and miss like anything else and I suspect that you're fighting for attention with about 100 other guys for every woman.

Thats what it feels like to me everywhere,certainly at work where lots of blokes are around pretty girls trying to impress them all the time.

If feels like a job interview where there are many people after only one job and they all have far better qualifacations that me.

Rufus - you are qualified, its just the SA can hide who you are. (Emote: smile)

Cheers Chris but I think I'am qualified in different subjects.(Emote: rolleyes)

Quote: introverted_guy
Nothing down for me at 40.

You seem much younger from your posts Lee (Emote: smile)

(((((Rufus)))))
You have many attractive qualities. Tis, like Chris said, just that most people don't get to see them (Emote: sad)

Yes I totally agree with Kerri and faerie and us girls are seldom wrong (Emote: smile) Rufus you are a wonderful fella with such a lot to offer(Emote: smileyellow) we see it here with knobs on, it's a damn shame sa tends to hide that fact from other peeps. (Emote: sad)

Hi all,

I am a 29 year old women and have never had a relationship - definately because of my SA. There is nothing that I want more than a loving relationship and loneliness is the main reason for my deppression. When people find out that I have never had a relationship they think that there must be something wrong with me. Sometimes I have hope that I will meet my soulmate and other times I feel as if I will be alone forever - only time will tell. I feel for those of you who feel as lonely as I do, I wish that you all find love and happiness

I'm sure through out centauries of civilization many millions of people have never had relationships in their lives. Maybe because of religious beliefs, physical disabilities, work and family comitments etc. Dont think that only people who suffer with SA never have relationships. My great aunt died age 82 10 years ago, a dedicated christian and community member, she was never married, never had a man in her life from what i remember and was told.

I understand peoples' needs for company and love, as they are natural human needs but should us single SA people feel bad and "abnormal" for never having a relationship? I've never had a relationship, I'm single and doesn't bothered me... maybe i'm becoming more thick skinned in my old age. [1 edits; Last edit by robbie777 at 17:48:25 Fri Jan 21 2005]

True robbie but isn't it other people that make us feel abnormal.I always hide it from starngers because I'am so used to the reaction which is more like as if I was an axe murderer.

It seems there are so few people around like us that you are considered exceptionally weird.I feel that I have to justify myself and people are often rude enough to say "Why?" like you have done something immoral or evil.

Quote: Rufus1 at 21***58;19***58;51 Fri Jan 21 2005
I feel that I have to justify myself and people are often rude enough to say "Why?" like you have done something immoral or evil.

Kev, you don't have to justify yourself to anyone! Stuff 'em!

Just because a person has never had a relationship, that doesn't make them any less than the next person. Most of the people on this forum are over flowing with warmth, compassion and empathy. (Emote: smile)

Yes but thst the reactaion I get if people just know I'am single now.God knows what it would be if they new I'd never even come close.

Anyway Chrissy says stuff em so thats good enough for me.
STUFF EM ALL!!!!!!!!!

(((((((Rufus, dahling)))))))) You will get there sweetie-pie, I'm certain of it (Emote: smile)

hic
hic
hic

Thanks tipsy faerie woman.(Emote: pirate)


KEV

(Emote: roundnround)

Quote: curiousfaerie at 00***58;03***58;22 Tue Jan 18 2005

You seem much younger from your posts Lee (Emote: smile)

Sorry Roz, I've only just read this post, yeah well I am young at heart yer know and I don't look my age - well so people tell me. (Emote: embarrassed)

Um madhat, could you elaborate on what you meant by "ultimately she had kids" or something like that...I am dating a guy who is divorced with a six-year-old kid and have never been in this situation before. Can it never really work?

My personal experience with partners having kids has been bad but it was my insecurities which ultimately caused the relationships to fail in retrospect. I dont think it is a doomed scenario at all each person is different.

Thanks, yeah pretty stupid question really. Funny, I have seemed to have got quite a lot of negativity from friends and family about the situation. I've just turned 33 with SA, I am lucky to have a partner at all.

It's really none of their business as long as you are happy in the relationship.

Take care

Thank you, yes you are right, it is ultimately my decision about how I feel about the relationship.

Cheers, and I hope things work out for you.

Hi just read your message. I am in the same boat as you. I am 30, female and have never been in a relationship, i am also a virgin, have never so much as been on a date or kissed any body on the lips, so you are not alone. I feel I'll probably be a virgin all my life because what man or woman (I am theroretically bisexual ) is going to want to have anything to do with some one so inexperienced as me. then their is the chronic low self esteem and weight problems and the fact that the idea of having sex terrifies me.

At the moment though my complete lack of sexual/romantic experience is low on my list of worries, as I can't even leave my house without my mum or sister being with me and can't work my S.A. is so bad.

Anyway hope you feel you are not quite so unusual.

For some reason I find this thread really moving, I shouldn't be surprised that there are people over 30 like this but somehow I was. I am not much better off having been in very few relationships and always finding them difficult too. The only constructive thing I have to say is that people can meet likeminded people at any age. Especially nowadays with the Internet, people can meet through chatting or being penpals etc and not just through internet dating. Perhaps a more manageable goal would be just to make a friend with someone of the opposite sex as a start, to prove to yourself that they are not some alien species after all. In my case when I was at uni I got to meet some nice girls through doing martial arts (aikido) classes. I would imagine that a yoga class or similar might be a good way to meet people in a relaxed setting. It can't be nice thinking you will go through life never having a relationship, as some people have said in their replies here, but I am sure with many of the people here it is lack of opportunity rather than being somehow unloveable.

Quote: Aurora_Sky at 15***58;04***58;58 Fri Feb 18 2005

For some reason I find this thread really moving, I shouldn't be surprised that there are people over 30 like this but somehow I was. I am not much better off having been in very few relationships and always finding them difficult too. The only constructive thing I have to say is that people can meet likeminded people at any age. Especially nowadays with the Internet, people can meet through chatting or being penpals etc and not just through internet dating. Perhaps a more manageable goal would be just to make a friend with someone of the opposite sex as a start, to prove to yourself that they are not some alien species after all. In my case when I was at uni I got to meet some nice girls through doing martial arts (aikido) classes. I would imagine that a yoga class or similar might be a good way to meet people in a relaxed setting. It can't be nice thinking you will go through life never having a relationship, as some people have said in their replies here, but I am sure with many of the people here it is lack of opportunity rather than being somehow unloveable.

Agreed, try and make friend with the opposite sex before anything. In fact just make sure you have some worthwhile friendships there in case things go wrong and you need someone to turn too. I disagree and defy with anyone who thinks they are not attractive to the opposite sex, optimism has to be more powerful than cynicism. There are so many example on this board of ppl who said they would never ever have a relationship, who guess what, do have one! Someones future is 99% constructed by themselves, so long as you give yourself a chance, others will too.

I am 30 years of age, nearly 29 years of age(June).

Never had a bird. It sucks. [2 edits; Last edit by WhyMe at 15:34:48 Sat Jun 4 2005]