Becoming friends

[AinWLA]

How do you go from making small talk with acquaintances to becoming better friends with them?

[hidden_away]

Originally Posted by AinWLA

How do you go from making small talk with acquaintances to becoming better friends with them when a) you cannot relate to convos very well as you have little/no life experiences (you haven't been in relationships/you haven't travelled etc) and b) your other issues brought on by a bad experience in the past has lead you to alienate yourself from possible friendships/romantic interests?

It's a hard one to answer for someone with social anxiety. I guess the best way is to make small talk and then if you sort of get on well then ask if they want to meet up sometime. I'm not sure where you could go though as going to a pub might be a huge fear of yours. If you don't have much to say about your life then try talk about them. tbh I cant say much as I'm the same but it would be nice to hear someone Else advice!

[Progress]

The only thing I can suggest is try and spend as much time as you feel able to with those acquaintances, through common interests or whatever, and in time hopefully something will develop. I find if you have an interest in common with people it helps so much.

[awol]

If you find it difficult to initiate a conversation then one trick you could try is to become a good listener. Listen to what the other person is talking about, then ask questions. It does not even really matter if you are not that interested in what they are saying or you have no experience in the subject matter. You could ask how they became interested in the subject matter, how you could get involved, how you would love to do something like that one day.

You can also turn negatives into positives. Instead of saying a dead-end statement like "I have never travelled" you could say "I'd love to visit XXXX", then follow this up with a "hook", like "but I'm not sure what are the best sights to see". That way you are inviting a response from the listener.

Good conversation is about give and take. Once the listener realises they have your attention then the conversation will develop.

[AinWLA]

Thanks for the advice hidden away, yeah the hardest part is asking someone to meet up somewhere as fear of rejection and what to do cause you're right i wouldn't be happy going to pub say in the evening on a friday or saturday night (i mean i would go with family/close friend).

[AinWLA]

Thanks for the responses guys, I think your comments are very helpful. awol (nice username by the way, why you called that?) I agree that you could turn negatives into positives and using hooks helps - I have been trying to improve my conversation skills by doing some online research on how to make good conversations and asking questions and showing an interest in other people has been quite a dominant response. However, I kinda have to disagree with the fact that it doesn't matter if you have no experience in the subject matter as people see this and you become the subordinate one in the conversation and others can (I am not saying everyone) recognise this and take advantage of it.

[db838]

Originally Posted by biscuits

^ You could ask them questions about the subject though.

Maybe you could invite people to things that don't necessarily revolve around talking. I mean where talking isn't the focus of the activity, as it would be if you went to the pub. Going to the cinema is good because you can talk about the film. Or going to see a local football or an ice hockey match etc. Or going to a pub quiz. Then it's a bit less awkward because it's not like, TALK! TALK! TALK!!

I totally agree. Find a hobby like cycling where you are with other people but conversation isn't the be all and end all. That's what I did and my confidence has improved and I am a lot more flowing with my conversation in general.

[Morgana]

Yes, agree with the above posts, interests could be the way forward, something other than a potentially uncomfortable situation of 100% one-on-one conversation. I think a pub quiz can be a great one as you have to both focus on that, you don't have the full glare of the spotlight. Going to a concert could be another shared activity - although depending on the kind of music you might not be able to talk much!

[AinWLA]

I didn't know whether to make this into a new thread or post it here because it is related to the post awol said about using hooks/coversational threading - so I have been testing this out on my family/best friend and online and I think it is very helpful - I don't know if any of you have heard the guy Sean Cooper - he says about it in his stuff on SA as well. Basically, you pick up on topics in a sentence to carry a conversation on. Although, I think without going out and creating great memorable experiences and generally just living it still hinders a persons' conversation skills. So anyway just to say thanks again for that piece of advice awol and will have to try to use it more in face-to-face communication not just online !

[SA sucks]

Certainly talking about shared experiences help, but in my experience I find taking an interest in a wide variety of topics and forming an opinion on them is more helpful. I find that some topics are universal and most everyone can talk about them such as food, TV, music, movies, news, fashion, the city you both live in, transport, the cost of living, etc. But additionally I take an interest in a wide variety of things such as art, history, social issues, the environment, science, the paranormal, books, world cinema, you name it and I have an opinion on each and every one of those things. I find this really does help to provide material for conversation. So definitely broadening one's interests really helps with conversation. I can really recommend talk radio stations such as LBC (which you can listen to on the internet) to hear how ordinary members of the public express their opinions on a wide variety of topics, and also to hear how presenters get callers to talk.

I'd agree that listening and asking pertinent questions is definitely useful. I may not be necessarily interested in someone's subjects but what I do is that I try to put myself in the other person's shoes and think about what it is about their subjects that interests them. Take a random subject like fishing which I have absolutely no interest in - to get a fishing hobbyist talking I might ask them what bait they use, why they use a particular bait, what kind of fish they catch, where the best place to fish is, etc. I try to put myself in someone else's shoes and imagine what aspects of their interests might excite them.

It's important to bear in mind that sometimes you "click" with others and sometimes you just don't, and to try not to take it personally if there isn't a mutual click. For me friendship happens naturally when there are enough common interests, a similar way of looking at things, similar humour, shared values and a reasonable amount of give and take. Give and take for me means amongst many things that if I am a good listener for you, I expect you to extend that same courtesy to me, so I expect you to ask me questions about my life and to show an interest and to not talk over me, because I would do the same for you. Making new friendships is also a numbers game - the more people you meet the more likely you'll come across someone you will "click" with, and I firmly believe that there is a friendship match out there for everyone. Unfortunately only extroverts have the luxury of meeting as many people as they like, it's harder for SA people.

[DragonWing]

I like this thread. I have been starting to look at this at my CBT sessions tho there I don't learn the specifics of how to do it so this is good. I feel like my interests are not shared by many people at all and I really don't want to have to learn about fashion, TV, sport etc just to make conversation. I don't have room in my head for info about everything for a start!

Asking questions does seem to work well but I then am not sure when I am asking acceptable questions and when my question may be inappropriate. I mean, I would never be offended if someone asked my age. it is a number, it is a fact, can't see the offense some people feel to their age.

I am the same in that I do not know how to ask someone out somewhere and whether it would be creepy with just me and one other, more people lessens the intensity of conversation. I am not even comfortable with a night out just two of us when it is with my one proper friend.

I don't know how you know know that your acquaintance now considers you a friend and therefore it is ok to suggest meeting up.

None of this helps you at all but I like this thread so will keep reading

[Troublemaker]

Not surprisingly I've yet to solve this conundrum. However I'd suggest just taking interest in the other person, make small talk sometimes and keep in contact.

[Marie8434]

I struggle with this a lot. I can chat a little, but the problem is when I try to take it further then that. I've never asked someone to go for coffee or a drink. I'd probably run a mile if someone asked me. A group I can hide in is ok but then I can't do small talk or make any personal connection.
Thanks to other posting for good ideas. I think I need CBT or something to help me actually do things though.

[SA sucks]

DragonWing, you make a good point, you shouldn't have to learn about a subject just so you can have a conversation. I'd agree with you and I would say it's more important just to have an opinion (of any kind) about a subject in order to make conversation, rather than being an expert in the subject. And we all have opinions on so many subjects, more than one might realise. Take TV, I haven't had a TV for years now but yet I still have so many opinions about it, like how I feel so much healthier now without it because I feel that there are lots of messages that unconsciously seep through from TV and adverts that could be bad for one's psyche and for society for that matter, for example messages like you're not pretty enough, thin enough, outgoing enough, or even not foul-mouthed enough if you are susceptible to reality TV. It's really not necessary to know anything in depth about anything, but you can certainly still have an opinion. I certainly don't know anything in depth about the latest fashion, yet I still could talk endlesssly about what I think about fashion, such as the different trends that I've noticed over the years in the streets and how some of them made me laugh like wearing your trousers halfway down your knees, and how much I dislike the fashion industry with their unrealistic ideals for what they think beauty is, the clothes that they sell that no one would want to buy or could afford to buy; or I might talk about the things I wear, where I shop (thrift shops), why I chose them and why I couldn't give two figs about the latest fashion. There really is an aspect to almost any given subject where you could have an opinion. Anyway, for me I find conversation enjoyable when people tell me what they think about things, even if they aren't experts on a subject; in fact it's also interesting when people tell me their reasons and opinions for why they don't care for a subject and why it doesn't interest them. It also makes conversation much easier when someone has an opinion, then we can discuss it together, as long as it's not too controversial lol.