So What type of SA do you have?

[hidden_away]

I know this is a very complicated question as everybody seems to suffer different degrees of SA. I notice for some it's talking on the phone for others its being in large groups etc.

I'm a 27 year old male. My SA seems to vary I think. I struggle heavily to be around other males. I feel intimidated, Judged and always think there is going to be a confrontation where I am going to have to show I am a real man. I always feel like they're laughing at me behind my back. So I am basically always in fight or flight mode when around other men and it can be exhausting!

I also struggle to be out with men and women, esp women as I feel like I have to protect them if something happens and if I cannot then I will be seen as a joke, weakling and poor excuse of a man.

I'm actually fine one on one with a woman in doors. I may be a little shy but that goes within say an hour. I can have sex with a woman fine also BUT now I know this sounds maybe harsh but if the woman is IMO not to confident and I guess average looking like myself I'm fine. If the woman is confident and attractive I really struggle in a relationship as it brings all my core beliefs to the surface about myself.

I also am a heavy catastrophic thinker. This tends to be part of my daily life and I pretty much live every other day in an adrenaline fueled state which is horrible as I only recently started to have panic attacks which I have manage to bring under control.

There are other things but I could write all day about it. It has affected my life greatly. I have two sons and I was in a ten year relationship. I took my ex out twice in ten years. Her family used to joke and call me a hermit and in the end she left with my sons. I never get to do anything with my sons. which means I don't take them out, go to their sports days or plays, parents evenings etc though I do have them EVERY weekend and I have done for the past two years.

I don't have a social life, no job, no friends and the women I meet i do so on a dating site and they end up coming to mine and I make an excuse why I cant go out. I'm on ESA and have been for about 3 years.

Anyway I'll stop going on now. It would be interesting to see some of your own variations of SA and also if you have any questions to ask me then please ask away.

[hidden_away]

Just wondering, From what I have written does it make me sound like I don't have SA? I honestly do. I have been diagnosed by a physiologist as suffering from SA, High generalized anxiety and PTSD. I'm not lying or attention seeking.

Also If you don't fancy writing much like I did then maybe just write bullet points?

[iTz0kt0Bu]

Originally Posted by hidden_away

I know this is a very complicated question as everybody seems to suffer different degrees of SA. I notice for some it's talking on the phone for others its being in large groups etc.

I'm a 27 year old male. My SA seems to vary I think. I struggle heavily to be around other males. I feel intimidated, Judged and always think there is going to be a confrontation where I am going to have to show I am a real man. I always feel like they're laughing at me behind my back. So I am basically always in fight or flight mode when around other men and it can be exhausting!

I also struggle to be out with men and women, esp women as I feel like I have to protect them if something happens and if I cannot then I will be seen as a joke, weakling and poor excuse of a man.

I'm actually fine one on one with a woman in doors. I may be a little shy but that goes within say an hour. I can have sex with a woman fine also BUT now I know this sounds maybe harsh but if the woman is IMO not to confident and I guess average looking like myself I'm fine. If the woman is confident and attractive I really struggle in a relationship as it brings all my core beliefs to the surface about myself.

I also am a heavy catastrophic thinker. This tends to be part of my daily life and I pretty much live every other day in an adrenaline fueled state which is horrible as I only recently started to have panic attacks which I have manage to bring under control.

There are other things but I could write all day about it. It has affected my life greatly. I have two sons and I was in a ten year relationship. I took my ex out twice in ten years. Her family used to joke and call me a hermit and in the end she left with my sons. I never get to do anything with my sons. which means I don't take them out, go to their sports days or plays, parents evenings etc though I do have them EVERY weekend and I have done for the past two years.

I don't have a social life, no job, no friends and the women I meet i do so on a dating site and they end up coming to mine and I make an excuse why I cant go out. I'm on ESA and have been for about 3 years.

Anyway I'll stop going on now. It would be interesting to see some of your own variations of SA and also if you have any questions to ask me then please ask away.

Originally Posted by hidden_away

Just wondering, From what I have written does it make me sound like I don't have SA? I honestly do. I have been diagnosed by a physiologist as suffering from SA, High generalized anxiety and PTSD. I'm not lying or attention seeking.

Also If you don't fancy writing much like I did then maybe just write bullet points?

Nah, I'm also intimidated around certain types of people I subconsciously prejudge by external appearance, tbrh. But then I know it's wrong, the prejudgement seems uncontrollable, like something I need to challenge.

I'm most SA around age mates due to feeling I wouldn't fit in with them and don't do the same things a typical 19 year old would. I feel intimidated around some males as I feel I might be negatively judged and looked down on.

I'm afraid of being laughed at by girls, especially fit ones.

[hidden_away]

Originally Posted by retep

Nah, I'm also intimidated around certain types of people I subconsciously prejudge by external appearance, tbrh. But then I know it's wrong, the prejudgement seems uncontrollable, like something I need to challenge.

I'm most SA around age mates due to feeling I wouldn't fit in with them and don't do the same things a typical 19 year old would. I feel intimidated around some males as I feel I might be negatively judged and looked down on.

I'm afraid of being laughed at by girls, especially fit ones.

So I guess I can say me and you are in a similar situation with ours. Do you ever worry about confrontation? I find myself when I am next to other men feeling like I am a boy. Like I am small and frail and childlike. I cannot join in on banter at all as I take it to heart. I feel as if most men are looking at me as if to try and intimidate and and thinking I am the weakest one of the group or just in general.

For instance I have just had to bike to a local shop near me. I find it easiest to go out late in the evening as there is less people unless its on a fri or sat. Anyway biking home some guy stepped out of his driveway and it made me jump. He saw this and looked a bit shocked I sort of just smiled and carried on but felt really embarrassed, He then said oh sorry mate didn't mean to scare you and laughed. Well as soon as he said scare I straight away think hes laughing at me and everything I told you about my core beliefs about myself are straight away brought to the surface.

[Miss Imaginary]

I'm at my most anxious when faced with having to interact with someone in my peer group. It's like I put more pressure on myself to get along with women as I expect to be able to instantly connect with people I perceive myself to have a lot in common with.

Due to this I often feel child like and less equipped than other women. I am far more comfortable talking to men.

Generally I am not so bad on first meetings with people, as I can excuse my performance with the fact that I don't know the person very well. It's on trying to build the friendship that the anxieties really kick in as I judge that other people are connecting better than I am.

I also struggle really badly with people in positions of authority, however tenuous that authority is (ie I panicked pretty severely when speaking to the facilitator of my local sa group).

Originally Posted by hidden_away

For instance I have just had to bike to a local shop near me. I find it easiest to go out late in the evening as there is less people unless its on a fri or sat. Anyway biking home some guy stepped out of his driveway and it made me jump. He saw this and looked a bit shocked I sort of just smiled and carried on but felt really embarrassed, He then said oh sorry mate didn't mean to scare you and laughed. Well as soon as he said scare I straight away think hes laughing at me and everything I told you about my core beliefs about myself are straight away brought to the surface.

I used to do this too, but I've learned that it's just like mind reading. People generally don't pay that much attention to others.

[hidden_away]

Originally Posted by Miss Imaginary

I'm at my most anxious when faced with having to interact with someone in my peer group. It's like I put more pressure on myself to get along with women as I expect to be able to instantly connect with people I perceive myself to have a lot in common with.

Due to this I often feel child like and less equipped than other women. I am far more comfortable talking to men.

Generally I am not so bad on first meetings with people, as I can excuse my performance with the fact that I don't know the person very well. It's on trying to build the friendship that the anxieties really kick in as I judge that other people are connecting better than I am.

I also struggle really badly with people in positions of authority, however tenuous that authority is (ie I panicked pretty severely when speaking to the facilitator of my local sa group).




I used to do this too, but I've learned that it's just like mind reading. People generally don't pay that much attention to others.

Very similar to myself then. I didn't think many other people also experience the same gender SA type thing.

Can I ask you both did either of you had a bad childhood or anything that shaped your core beliefs to what they now are?

[iTz0kt0Bu]

Originally Posted by hidden_away

So I guess I can say me and you are in a similar situation with ours. Do you ever worry about confrontation? I find myself when I am next to other men feeling like I am a boy. Like I am small and frail and childlike. I cannot join in on banter at all as I take it to heart. I feel as if most men are looking at me as if to try and intimidate and and thinking I am the weakest one of the group or just in general.

For instance I have just had to bike to a local shop near me. I find it easiest to go out late in the evening as there is less people unless its on a fri or sat. Anyway biking home some guy stepped out of his driveway and it made me jump. He saw this and looked a bit shocked I sort of just smiled and carried on but felt really embarrassed, He then said oh sorry mate didn't mean to scare you and laughed. Well as soon as he said scare I straight away think hes laughing at me and everything I told you about my core beliefs about myself are straight away brought to the surface.

Yes, I do fear confrontation and do feel like a boy when around men or male agemates, I'm 19 though. I know my prejudgements are irrational but it isn't like I control these thoughts and judgements, they just automatically come.

I also can't usually do banter and am usually serious, I feel though this is partly cause of anxiety. When im anxious I feel extra sensitive.

Also your bike incident reminded me of my fear of appearing gay, I would say I'm bicurious at most though.

[Chris83]

For me, talking on the phone is a massive problem. I can't remember the last time i made a phone call to someone i didn't know. But pretty much just dealing with unfamiliar people in general is an equally huge problem. I'm alright if someone starts talking to me, but approaching people is a no go.

I find women a lot easier to talk to for some reason, even gay men, maybe its because they're feminine.

[Caribou]

Originally Posted by Chris83

even gay men, maybe its because they're feminine.

I'm gay but I'm not feminine in the slightest. That's a bit of a stereotype.

[ArkoN]

mine is generalised social anxiety. i dont understand how people can say they have social anxiety in some situations only such as big groups of people, but then they are ok in work life, meeting new people ect. or only having social anxiety over the phone and not in any other areas of life :S

[pinkwafer]

Originally Posted by defiance21

mine is generalised social anxiety. i dont understand how people can say they have social anxiety in some situations only such as big groups of people, but then they are ok in work life, meeting new people ect. or only having social anxiety over the phone and not in any other areas of life :S

I am more like you, but some things make me feel more anxious - e.g. job interviews, certain people etc.

I am anxious in general too and worry a lot. I don't get good sleep a lot of the time.

I am fine around people I know very well. Mostly, anyway.

[parent]

Perhaps we could arrange this site so people could talk to other people at their own level of social anxiety. eg Level 1 Mild Level 2 Medium Level 3 Severe

[rudster]

Originally Posted by hidden_away

I know this is a very complicated question as everybody seems to suffer different degrees of SA. I notice for some it's talking on the phone for others its being in large groups etc.

I'm a 27 year old male. My SA seems to vary I think. I struggle heavily to be around other males. I feel intimidated, Judged and always think there is going to be a confrontation where I am going to have to show I am a real man. I always feel like they're laughing at me behind my back. So I am basically always in fight or flight mode when around other men and it can be exhausting!

I also struggle to be out with men and women, esp women as I feel like I have to protect them if something happens and if I cannot then I will be seen as a joke, weakling and poor excuse of a man.

I'm actually fine one on one with a woman in doors. I may be a little shy but that goes within say an hour. I can have sex with a woman fine also BUT now I know this sounds maybe harsh but if the woman is IMO not to confident and I guess average looking like myself I'm fine. If the woman is confident and attractive I really struggle in a relationship as it brings all my core beliefs to the surface about myself.

I also am a heavy catastrophic thinker. This tends to be part of my daily life and I pretty much live every other day in an adrenaline fueled state which is horrible as I only recently started to have panic attacks which I have manage to bring under control.

There are other things but I could write all day about it. It has affected my life greatly. I have two sons and I was in a ten year relationship. I took my ex out twice in ten years. Her family used to joke and call me a hermit and in the end she left with my sons. I never get to do anything with my sons. which means I don't take them out, go to their sports days or plays, parents evenings etc though I do have them EVERY weekend and I have done for the past two years.

I don't have a social life, no job, no friends and the women I meet i do so on a dating site and they end up coming to mine and I make an excuse why I cant go out. I'm on ESA and have been for about 3 years.

Anyway I'll stop going on now. It would be interesting to see some of your own variations of SA and also if you have any questions to ask me then please ask away.

I have exactly the same problem - good looking ladies, alpha males or men in power!

I found a good way of getting a social life is going to a boot camp fitness thing - you don't have time to worry about SA and you make good friends.

[iTz0kt0Bu]

Originally Posted by defiance21

mine is generalised social anxiety. i dont understand how people can say they have social anxiety in some situations only such as big groups of people, but then they are ok in work life, meeting new people ect. or only having social anxiety over the phone and not in any other areas of life :S

My old Psychology teacher said social anxiety is when someone has the fear of public speaking, wtf. I didn't correct her cause I didn't want to say I had SA to the class or anything. There was also a lesson I missed on if shyness should be considered a mental illness, idk if that lesson was missed for better or worse as some students didn't seem to understand mental illnesses.

[socialreject-]

i would say mine is general , spread over a wide area, not just pinned to one certain area but i do have specific symptoms

[WeiJingsheng]

Originally Posted by parent

Perhaps we could arrange this site so people could talk to other people at their own level of social anxiety. eg Level 1 Mild Level 2 Medium Level 3 Severe

Would be quite cool. Those of a higher level could speak with authority and abuse the 'milds' by sneeringly referring to them as 'normals'.

[rudster]

Originally Posted by retep

My old Psychology teacher said social anxiety is when someone has the fear of public speaking, wtf. I didn't correct her cause I didn't want to say I had SA to the class or anything. There was also a lesson I missed on if shyness should be considered a mental illness, idk if that lesson was missed for better or worse as some students didn't seem to understand mental illnesses.

That's so disapointing...

[sleepyme]

I seem to have it in most of the above situations too. I can get random blush/anxiety attacks in weird situations though, like if a couple of people or group sit RIGHT in front of me on the bus and are loud.
Waiting in a queue that bit too long gets to me randomly.
Sitting say having dinner with people (even family), and i feel like I am trapped it happens, but if i feel like i can get up and walk away easily it isn't so bad.

Ok, so pretty much everything..although I feel like i don't have bad SA sometimes when I read people having panic attacks, etc. I just freak out internally and feel like I am going to explode, but people probably don't notice anything other than me blushing. Or maybe that's the same thing? I have no idea. At the same time i read about people that have/get jobs but sound worse than me and wonder how they managed it :/

I didn't mean to write that much, I feel really confused now

[AinWLA]

I have always been a worrier and my anxiety isn't just social for instance driving is a real problem and I have yet to learn (tried once but gave up due to anxiety but really need and want to learn now). My SA is worse with people in my age group and people I find attractive or I think are better looking then me, which then makes me feel worse because I don't want to judge people before I know them. However, I have made a little progress in this area. I also used to avoid picking up ringing home phone but I am better at this now, although if I still can get away with not picking it up then I will! P.S. A few have said that you can't have SA if you are ok in some situations - I don't think this is true - I think its more of a question as where you are in your life in dealing with SA.

[Excaliber]

Originally Posted by retep

My old Psychology teacher said social anxiety is when someone has the fear of public speaking, wtf. I didn't correct her cause I didn't want to say I had SA to the class or anything. There was also a lesson I missed on if shyness should be considered a mental illness, idk if that lesson was missed for better or worse as some students didn't seem to understand mental illnesses.

A fear of public speaking is social anxiety. However, there is also social anxiety disorder, which affects people's success in many different areas of life, not just one.

[Bunnie]

Talking on the phone, I'd rather email, paying for stuff in a shop, I avoid and get someone else to do it or use self serve checkout, these are a godsend !
Being in groups of people I know bigger than 3 including me, the more people listening to what I am saying the more analysed I feel. I feel sick and just want to escape all these things. I get along fine with less confident people, like you said yourself.

[Bunnie]

Originally Posted by Miss Imaginary

I'm at my most anxious when faced with having to interact with someone in my peer group. It's like I put more pressure on myself to get along with women as I expect to be able to instantly connect with people I perceive myself to have a lot in common with.

Due to this I often feel child like and less equipped than other women. I am far more comfortable talking to men.

Generally I am not so bad on first meetings with people, as I can excuse my performance with the fact that I don't know the person very well. It's on trying to build the friendship that the anxieties really kick in as I judge that other people are connecting better than I am.

I also struggle really badly with people in positions of authority, however tenuous that authority is (ie I panicked pretty severely when speaking to the facilitator of my local sa group).




I used to do this too, but I've learned that it's just like mind reading. People generally don't pay that much attention to others.

Yes I can relate to these things too miss imaginary.

[meat+bone]

Originally Posted by Martin74

Having to spend most of my time and energy looking out for and avoiding imaginary threats means I tend to withdraw into myself a lot. I am an introvert by nature so spending time alone is something I do anyway, but the fear makes me avoid others more than I naturally would. I have found that even whan I want to be sociable or reach out I am unable to do so, partly due to anxiety/avoidance and partly because I simply don't know how to interact with other human beings. I find it extremely frustrating that even when I want to be social I can't.

This paragraph speaks to my situation with eerie accuracy. I'm an only child who had very few people to socialise with while I was growing up. This lack of social experience exacerbated my already introverted tendencies, forcing me to feel chronically insecure in any social environment.

Uni was a nightmare because of this and I was the weird guy who just shuffled from dorm too class. It was like living in a prison as I was on edge at all times, fearing the next critical gesture or pooping myself that engaging in conversation would lead to me crossing some taboo.

I got a little better after uni, did more activities and engaged with my co workers more fluidly. But Ive slowly fallen back into my old ways and I'm terrified to interact with anyone on my commute, too the point that I'm taking more sick days.

[Silver]

Mine is linked to low self esteem. I feel awkward around most men and dont know what to say to them. Around women I also feel awkward but mainly because I compare myself to them and feel inferior, different and uncomfortable as a result. My biggest fear is running out of things to say as I absolutely hate awkward silences. I cannot cope with long conversations as a result and usually end up drifting out of conversations or if I am on the phone, making excuses to end the conversation. I tend to feel most sa around very judgmental, bitchy people...you know the ones that fly off the handle if you say or do the wrong thing, even if it wasnt intentional I tend to feel I am walking on egg shells around them and always try to ensure I say and do the right thing to avoid upsetting them. I dont suffer from anxiety, more just an awkward, tense, worrying feeling if I know I am going to be around certain people or socialising. I have definitely become more introverted recently and now feel unable to do things (like go to meet ups or socialise with new people) that I previously used to be able to do with no problems.

[anna123]

Mine varies I think depending how I feel. But I think mostly I'm ok with people I've know for ages, so the more I see people the more confident I seem to be( though most people don't wait to get to know me long enough, so think I'm quiet all the time!) I'm ok with maybe 4ish in a group , but much more than that I can't seem to cope, and go back to being quiet etc. I also think I'm better with most men than women, especially very confident women, and ones who wear all the right clothes and make-up etc. I wish I could find more women who have the same interests as me, they always seem to be completely opposites. I'm ok at parties as long as I don't have to sit and talk, well until everyones drunk then I'm ok.lol. But I prefer to dance if I go to a party! I hate having to sit in a group, especially in a circle, and just be sitting there, I would rather be doing something like darts or bowling etc. Theres probley loads more but I'm gone on to much now lol

[DragonWing]

with females ... im females
on the phone
lots of people
one to one formal conversations such as gp or kids teachers
kids that arent my own
public places with people i am comfortable with as i am worried about being overheard speaking

[Sevenofnine]

Some women, especially those a bit younger than me who seem to have their act together or those who are more aggressive
Some men
Groups of people
Public places
I can act as if I'm confident, aloof, or give of that "don't mess with me look" but that makes people think I fit into their groups or they think I have something of interest to say, so this can backfire. Thankfully my method has worked most of the time, but there has been a few occasions when I've been challenged. I'm not an argumentative or confrontational person, never have been, but I think my fight n flight mode kicks in and I can become verbally aggressive if I'm challenged by an aggressive/ and or ignorant person as I don't want them to know that I have SA and am really very scared and insecure. But this leaves me drained and plays on my mind and I find that I go out of my way to avoid that person or the place the situation took place.
I think I fear people knowing I have SA as I feel a lot of people don't understand what a challenge it is to lead a so called normal life with this condition and are not sympathetic, and will see it as a weakness and ridicule me.

[OllyAvoid]

I am on the severe end of the spectrum of social anxiety.

I have no friends, have never been in a relationship, and have not been employed for over a decade.

My social anxiety is complicated by a number of other mental health problems: panic attacks, general anxiety, occasional depression and hypochondria (health anxiety, which began as anxiety about the physical symptoms of social anxiety and then developed into its own problem that has actually become more destructive to my life than social anxiety). But social anxiety disorder is the basic problem underpinning these other mental health problems.

CBT and talk therapy has so far been unproductive although at the time I had these therapies I was not really in a state to make the most of them, and never really found a therapist who I "clicked with", which is vital, I think. I am looking towards trying therapy again in the new year, mostly with a view to unburden myself of memories from my teens. Somehow I feel if I can take that weight off my shoulders, I have a chance to begin to tackle my social anxiety - and from where I am, any step, no matter how small, is a positive one.

So to sum up, the answer is that I would say I have severe social anxiety. (I recently found out about personality disorders so asked my psychiatrist if I might have "avoidant personality disorder" but he was reluctant to make such a diagnosis. Severe SA and AvPD seem to be pretty much the same thing anyway).

I hope this post doesn't sound self-pitying as its not meant to. I am just stating the facts as baldly as I can.

[Titan_Jon]

In a social situation or team meeting type setting I find myself unable to speak.
If I am asked a direct question I tend to go red, sweat and say something that makes little sense.

I find one to one conversations quite hard too. Especially if with someone of a similar age and harder still if they are of the opposite sex. Like some of you have said I also find it impossible to have a 1 to 1 conversation if anyone else can hear.

Getting on buses, trains or anywhere busy or enclosed.

Probably the hardest thing I find is talking about myself to other people.

So yea pretty bad I guess as I have found myself now with only 1 friend who lives 200 miles away and then a couple of family members who i see every now and again.

[goth_jester22]

i have social anxiety but i'm better at talking to guys actually, girls i'm attracted to are next to impossible to converse with for me i guess that's why im still a virgin