Socialising when older

[Mr Ploppy]

I've posted about this before but there is a real shortage of socialising opportunities for older people. For 95% it seems the pub is it, otherwise there's just a few infrequent meeting places such as walking or similar clubs & associations.

I suppose the thing is when you hit 40 you're expected to have a family & friends around you, so meeting strangers is less important.

[no0ne]

meetup.com or evening classes or clubs linked to an interest

[Mr Ploppy]

It's a sad reflection that's all there is though, isn't it ? And these things aren't always that easy to find in your area.

[no0ne]

what is it you're looking for?

[Mr Ploppy]

Originally Posted by BFG

what is it you're looking for?

I'm not sure really.

Originally Posted by Cynic

I would have thought 30 was nearer the benchmark than 40.

Maybe, but 40 certainly.

[schneebeli]

Originally Posted by Dragnet

I suppose the thing is when you hit 40 you're expected to have a family & friends around you, so meeting strangers is less important.

yes, and the trend seems to be even more towards entertaining at home and less pubbing / going out these days. I noticed some of the middle aged guys at work bonding. Two of them met up to go to see a big footie match and another two went out for dinner with their other halves, and also went for a round of golf. Having other halves and common interests were the seed, so it helps to have something in common in the first instance I guess.

At least living in the internet age we have options that weren't there before.

[AxelFendersson]

Originally Posted by Dragnet

It's a sad reflection that's all there is though, isn't it?

Is it? I don't mean to be rude or dismissive, but what more would you expect? Generally, people meet and get to know each other by doing things together. That may be working together, or it may be through pursuing hobbies and interests together. I don't really see what else there would or could be.

I do sympathise with your position. I may be a bit younger than you are but I am old enough that to some extent I have the same problem: most people my age are starting to get settled in life; they've got their friends — and, in some cases, families — established and aren't particularly out to find themselves or meet new people any more. So it is much more difficult to break into social circles when you don't know many people around you.

But I don't think it's a particularly damning reflection on society that the only options that do exist are to either meet people through work, or to meet them through classes or clubs based around a common interest. How else would you expect to meet people?

And I can confirm that if you find the right pastime to pursue, it can work, even as an adult. It can be slow and take some time, especially if you're not a particularly outgoing person (as we generally aren't on here!). But I am definitely finding that by going out and doing things with other people in the evenings, I am gradually getting to know people, make connections and become part of a community. And even when I'm not particularly making any progress, I am at least out doing things that I enjoy, rather than sitting at home alone dwelling on how lonely I feel.

[-Simon-]

I never found it particularly easy when I was younger, I don't know that there ever was an age at which one was not expected to already have an established network of friends. In fact, I wonder if being a loner in your teens or twenties is viewed with more suspicion by the social police.

[Johnni]

Originally Posted by AxelFendersson

And I can confirm that if you find the right pastime to pursue, it can work, even as an adult.

Maybe as a adult your opportunities may be limited compared to a much younger person but regardless if you found just 1 club or someone you met in the gym/work for instance then that's all you need i feel.
I think whats important to realise is that a person regardless of age is willing to meet new people and befriend them so if you go to a evening class when you are 40 people will be friendly and be willing to socialise with you outside of class rather than think 'i have a wife and friends so don't really need any more friends'.

[Phool]

I think it is harder to find like minded people as you get older, especially as people know themselves more and aren't necessarily willing to try new things. I am guilty of that as much as anyone.
I had a pretty hectic social life in my 20s, but in a way I was just going along with a lot of things and hated it a lot of the time. At 30 I ditched a lot of friends, the ones that still wanted to go clubbing and partying, and stuck to quieter friends.

Now I'm coming up to 37 I have one good friend I do things with and a couple of others that I see about once every three months and others even less and mostly stay in touch by occasional texts and emails.

That's comfortable for me but last year I was getting a bit bored and so joined in with a few more community activities and I now have one group, a political party, that I feel comfortable with and we meet once a month, and I have made a couple of friends that I like, one of whom has depression as well.

So for me its been about ditching people I have outgrown, having a break and then making an effort to meet new people that are similar to me.

The thing I am trying to get at is don't knock the joining a club thing. If you pick something you like doing then you naturally have something in common with people in the group.

I also think its OK at this age to be a bit of a loner and a bit quiet. I don't feel that people judge me in the same way they used to when I turn down an invitation or when I in into work on Monday and say I did nothing all weekend.

[talk.09]

Originally Posted by Cynic

Why would it be viewed with any more or less suspicion at any age? Maybe because it is teens and twenties when most people have established their cliques and gangs, and by 30's they're settled down with a career and family?

Wanna bet...???

To be fair, with regards to 'cliques', that might be true in some cases but not all. Exclusive little 'groups' form at all ages in all sorts of societies.

[catlover]

I'd say that as you get older, there are fewer opportunities to meet new people but also less pressure to do so, which is a relief of sorts.

In school, for example, the pressure to have friends is extreme, as your position in the social pecking order is determined to a great extent by how many friends you have. But when you graduate from school, it is much more possible to live a quiet anonymous life, at least in urban and suburban areas. (I'm guessing that the pressure to have friends continues if you live in a rural area where everyone knows each other's business.)

I agree with the others who have mentioned after-work activities such as clubs or classes or activities. I would add churches and synagogues to the list as they are very popular forums for adult socialization at least here in the states.

[Wheelie Bin Bird]

I found it harder in my teens and twenties.

So many pretty girls all vying for attention same age as me and I had no chance.

Now I'm in my 30's I have no worries. I guess thats because I have kids. though I don't do the whole 'Mother in the playground thing'...I know lots of people from many walks of life...Being with Tom helped too. He's very outgoing.

[black_mamba]

Originally Posted by Dragnet

I've posted about this before but there is a real shortage of socialising opportunities for older people. For 95% it seems the pub is it, otherwise there's just a few infrequent meeting places such as walking or similar clubs & associations.

I suppose the thing is when you hit 40 you're expected to have a family & friends around you, so meeting strangers is less important.

Forgive me for posting here I am not even 30, but everything written in this thread applies to me (and probably a lot of other people in their late 20s). Most of my friends are getting married and settling too, so I am seeing less and less of them. Instead I have made new friends.

I think it's a myth that most people only socialise at the pub. I'm going to go through my facebook friends list now and see where I met everyone from:

-old uni mates

-friends of existing friends

-friends of relatives

-people I met whilst volunteering for charities

-ex work colleagues

-people I met at events in London (protests, seminars, film making workshops, life drawing classes, meetup.com events etc)

-people I met at SA UK meets

None of those things are age-dependent.

[custardcreams]

im wondering about this too. just hit 29 last week. dont know how to meet people. finding it difficult to get into established social sets, and some people in relationships seem to just socialise as a couple which can make things a bit odd. met some nice people through a friend but they're a bit far away. can't make friends from a one-off meeting at an event cos i'm too dorky, need to have time to let people see i'm not totally rubbish and that only happens over several meetings :P hmm, dunno what to do. life of loneliness bar a few dogs and my paintings to talk to perhaps.

[black_mamba]

^custs come and live with me! Or we can be neighbours, you be crazy dog lady and I'll be crazy chicken lady.

[custardcreams]

i'll come and live with you on the internet. we are internet housemates now. lets hope the internet dogs dont eat the internet chickens :/

[black_mamba]

Sweet. Don't be stealing my Internet milk though! Hmm maybe I should write my name over everything so you don't steal it.