Have you ever been 'de-friended'?

[choirgirl]

It's not about building long term friendships, and I can see the point of ghosting an online friend. I think it seems rude to 'cut' people, unless they have offended you and you are doing it to let them know about it. For example, dumping someone in real life - don't ever have more than a two minute conversation, never phone them up, don't reply to their texts, or only one word replies, turn down invitations, if they phone you up, say you can't talk a couple of times and they'll get the message. A few people won't and then it's time to escalate. As opposed to suddenly ignoring someone when they say hello because you've decided they don't add value in your life. There is a difference. One is rude, and the other is perfectly reasonable. But maybe that's how I was brought up, and things are different now.

[choirgirl]

^I would have thought ten years would be enough!

I'm actually feeling bad about friendships that just sort of ended myself now. There's one or two I wouldn't mind back.

The worst ghosting I ever did, and I still feel guilty about it, is a sort of casual friend/acquaintance back from where I used to live, we had pretty much drifted away, but one day his mother left a message on my phone saying she was phoning up everyone in her son's contacts because he had died! And ... I never phoned her back because I didn't know what to say. Big scumbag moment. Inexcusable.

Tanya, obviously I can't take the high moral ground after that confession, maybe it is but it seems better to me. If you run into people you used to hang out with because 'it's a small world' it seems nicer to at least acknowledge their presence and be a little bit friendly, rather than not. Most people like to be acknowledged. That's why shops go in for all that fake friendly stuff.

[Gosties]

I had a few so called friends when I was growing up in my early teens to early twenties.
Things that happened during that stage have colored my view of other people unfairly.
The de-friending process started with less and less contact from them and then nothing.
Thinking back and looking at things with a more mature outlook it was probably inevitable that driftage would happen.

I don't have any wish to meet any of them again in anything other than a fleeting encounter. I'm not rude therefore would not ignore any of them.
But have no interest in picking up socially etc. I also have no interest in finding any of them on the social media platforms.

[AnxiousExtrovert]

When I first saw this thread I didnt think it applied to me but actually it does.

I think nearly everyone has been defriended at points in their lives. I have had times where it has played on my mind i.e I have felt I have made a fool or myself or opened up and relaxed too much around them and then defriending happens not long after. Its never usually very obvious but someone will just become distant and I wont be invited out or an effort to keep in touch.

Regarding people talking about ghosting and whether its rude or not how its done. Its a tricky one because sometimes it can be fairly obvious its the person doing the defriending that clearly has the issues and isnt a good friend. They then convince themselves its the right thing to do to defriend with silly hypocritical reasons. That part I can understand why it could be considered cruel and rude to the other person.

[choirgirl]

Originally Posted by mutedsoul

Ghosting doesn't really make moral sense to me, unless the person you are ghosting is an abuser. It makes sense though as some people are scared of confrontation, but it's not moral.

Yes. This. This is what I've been wanting to say but instead have blabbered on for about five posts.

[Jen.]

Originally Posted by mutedsoul

Yes, ideally. That shows that you are comfortable with yourself and value your self-worth. The same way not ghosting but telling someone why you may not want to speak to them, although hard, shows that you are comfortable with yourself.

It goes both ways.

This "although hard" bit sounds strange when it's not about it being difficult in terms of awkwardness or whatever, but about wanting to avoid what you believe could likely be an abuse-based response. That has nothing at all to do with being comfortable with yourself. It doesn't make sense to me to suggest that someone is morally-obliged to risk opening themselves up to receive abuse from someone for the sake of that person's peace of mind.

[Dougella]

^ That's so sad

[Utopia]

I mean people have their own reasons for 'ghosting', if you do this because you don't want a barrage of hate sent you way(because you have nothing nice to say in response), then that clears things up for me, but it still gives a bad name to others who may 'ghost' for other reasons, but at least then there is no confusion, because I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and assume there must be others like me out there, somewhere.

Also, I think with things like dating sites, it can be hard for a woman to deal with all the messages that come her way, so really this kind of 'ghosting' is likely a different thing in that case.

[AnxiousExtrovert]

I think dating sites its far more reasonable. There is obviously cases where it would still be rude i.e arranging a date and then just ghosting.

Regarding a friendship or something where there is meant to be some level of care and respect I can't see many reasons where ghosting can be justified.

From the point of view of someone who isn't expecting to be ghosted or have a reasonable idea why it happened. It would be pretty distressing, playing over your mind what exactly is going on. It would affect their trust issues etc. It's kind of abuse.

There would be much more understandable situations where an argument has happened or things have happened to show you aren't really friends. Ghosting wouldn't be so bad then. I don't think cutting people out of your life is a bad thing at all if they genuinely deserve it.

[Utopia]

Yeah, it's a difficult one, I mean it's certainly a rude gesture anyway, but whether or not it's justified is another issue.

I mean people are accidentally rude all the time due to things like anxiety or lack of experience and things like that.

[Displaced]

I was de-friended by someone I went to college with. We used to get on great then, hanging out together most weekends. Gradually, he started making up weird reasons not to visit, or would make arrangements and then just not show up, citing some ridiculous excuse like he had to take his cousin into school (on Saturday evening) to hand in some project work. After that, we would still text occasionally, but as soon as I asked what he was up to on [whatever day] or if he fancied going to the pub/cinema/snooker hall/wherever, the conversation would stop dead in its tracks. I took the hint after that and decided I didn't want to waste time trying to be friends with someone who had so little respect for me.

[Sunrise]

I've been "de-friended" by every friend I've ever made. It's almost as if the problem might actually be with me rather than them.

Personally I've always preferred the silent treatment over the "**** off and die" type responses, but maybe that's just me. I suppose you know more where you stand with the latter, although I've always assumed the silent ones are thinking much the same but are too polite to actually say it.

[choirgirl]

I wonder if this is a thing that's come about because of internet dating. Maybe the feeling that there are plenty more fish in the sea, bad experiences from not ghosting in the past, and not running into people socially is bringing this about. Then it spills over into friendships as well. I suppose the only reason many people are polite or kind to people they don't care about is fear of social sanction and habit. Even more so if the person has done something inconsiderate. When you remove the social sanction, then there is no incentive to be nice.
I wonder if this is a new normal amongst the young? If you don't like this then you have to move to small towns and villages and where you have the opposite problem, where if one or two people take against you, they gossip nastily about you behind your back, start rumours and the like. I've not had major problems myself, but I know people who have. That's worse.

[Lostspirit]

Yes and it hurt like hell and if i think about it too much it still does, it was 3 yrs ago, i was just left guessing why, but in the end i put it down to something this person had to do to be able to move on but i never understood how a simple goodbye couldn't of been said.

[Orwell20]

Originally Posted by mutedsoul

Escapism, running away from yourself. It seems modern society is kinda based on this. No wonder their is a mental health epidemic.

I wouldn't say running away from yourself explains our MH crisis. It's more to do with overcrowding (tiny houses crammed together, horrendous traffic, too many people), overstimulation (flashing screens, constant noise), 24 hour (bad) news, social media (which constantly undermines our self-esteem) and an ever faster pace of life.

[limey123]

^ Plus perhaps a general lack of faith/something to believe in/belief in a higher power?

[choirgirl]

^^^^^Good point. I'm unaware of this because I'm not on social media (or barely) but yeah, I'm sure you're right. I'm not sure I thought that one through!

[Moksha]

Originally Posted by Nanuq

I agree with this. I live in a decent house in a safe village, so don't have as much stress as some people, no people sharing a building with me, or having intimidating groups of people about, but I still have dozens of people walking past my house all day, am only feet away from the neighbours..

We spent the last 2 summer holidays in France, we drive there and sleep in the van. The amount of space is amazing, the roads are empty, I only use my phone to navigate because I am with my family so don't feel alone. It says a lot that I prefer living in a van, with access to space, freedom and company, than my normal life of living in a semi detached house with all it's mod cons. After being away for a few weeks I don't even like the TV on at home at first, you realise just how much technological noise you have going on day in day out.

Last year, when we had crossed back through the tunnel, we had to stop for breakfast at the first motorway services, the volume of traffic and humans was so overwhelming that I nearly cried trying to get to the toilets. This country is ridiculously crowded.

My hairdresser was telling me that some friends came to visit from Canada. They landed at Heathrow and then drove to Essex. One of their children was so freaked out by the number of cars, the speed, the feeling of being crushed and penned in on the narrow roads, etc, that she began hyperventilating and crying. I also have a neighbour who drove down to Cornwall in June for a family holiday. He said he wouldn’t do it again if you paid him. The journey itself was hell, and the idyllic little fishing village was just a giant car park, with so many visitors you could barely move. You’re right, there are too many people in this country. I hate it. Living on a crowded island like the UK makes my anxiety so much worse.

[Kipper]

Yes, by someone whom I adored. I inadvertently upset her. The awfulness still remains with me 18 months on and it made my S.A. so much worse.

[Orwell20]

Originally Posted by Moksha

My hairdresser was telling me that some friends came to visit from Canada. They landed at Heathrow and then drove to Essex. One of their children was so freaked out by the number of cars, the speed, the feeling of being crushed and penned in on the narrow roads, etc, that she began hyperventilating and crying. I also have a neighbour who drove down to Cornwall in June for a family holiday. He said he wouldn’t do it again if you paid him. The journey itself was hell, and the idyllic little fishing village was just a giant car park, with so many visitors you could barely move. You’re right, there are too many people in this country. I hate it. Living on a crowded island like the UK makes my anxiety so much worse.

The Labour Party think they will win votes by relaxing immigration rules and building hundreds of thousands of council houses. They don’t seem to understand that ordinary people, the JAMs (the ‘just about managing’), don’t want more people and more houses. They want more silence and space. The UK is due to hit 70 million soon. Then what? 80 million? 100 million? I always laugh when I hear people go on about retiring to a peaceful little village when they are old. ...There won’t BE such places 20 years from now.

[Jen.]

All those people on waiting lists for council houses probably do want there to be more council houses.

[Utopia]

I mean the reason for all the people is greed - it increases demand for business and increases gdp. I believe the real population statistics are actually higher and is done to cover up a percapita gdp recession. Everyone would be so much happier if they had the basics secured. Unfortunately people do need a place to live also, it's just mindless selfishness, and it's so sad to see. Immigration has been way way too high for many years now.

[Dougella]

Originally Posted by Jimmy77

The Labour Party think they will win votes by relaxing immigration rules and building hundreds of thousands of council houses. They don’t seem to understand that ordinary people, the JAMs (the ‘just about managing’), don’t want more people and more houses. They want more silence and space. The UK is due to hit 70 million soon. Then what? 80 million? 100 million? I always laugh when I hear people go on about retiring to a peaceful little village when they are old. ...There won’t BE such places 20 years from now.

You're misrepresenting what the policies are. Whoever is in government there is still going to be a certain amount of immigration because we need it in a lot of industries, not least the NHS. Also outside the south east there are many quiet areas and villages that could easily have a few houses added with no change to the overall atmosphere. There are lots of abandoned buildings and homes that are unoccupied as it is, there are places like that near me actually.
People waiting for council housing right now in cramped temporary accomodation or unsafe private rented housing will be so much better off and better able to contribute actively to the economy, as it happens, when they finally get proper social housing.

[Dougella]

^ There is also a problem with extremely wealthy (often foreign, but I don't think these people count when people complain about immigration) people buying properties as investments and just leaving them empty! When there isn't enough housing to go around that shouldn't be allowed to happen.

[Utopia]

Originally Posted by ᚦaul

the housing problem is due to a lack of new builds, its come right down since the 90s. even if there was no immigration it would still be an issue. I don't think silence and space is something that is gonna change here in the uk until we see a total change to the system, unless a person is wealthy and can afford a nice house in the country there ain't much hope. here the structure is so completely different to other countries and just the pace of life being that its a huge westernised capitalist country. its so difficult, expensive and problematic to buy land and create your own space. nothing to do with immigration just the way our country is organised and wealth distribution. a lot of countries in europe are totally different, its why the idea of buying a cheap place abroad has so much appeal.

Yes, I noticed house building decreasing while the population was increasing at record levels also. Money isn't everything, and money locked up in a house isn't worth anywhere near as much as cash in the bank as you would need a place to live obviously. I think it's set up to make us blame immigrants, when really it's mindless greed that's the real problem. (Really this is the wrong thread for this discussion though).

[sillypenguin]

Yeah i have a few times since reaching adulthood. Only with one of them was there a legit reason for it happening, which I wasn't caring about since our friendship effectively dead by that point anyways. But I definitely think since reaching adulthood, people are just too busy to invest in quality friendships. I honestly cannot be bothered trying anymore, its just exhausting

[Mountainstream]

I've been ghosted. It's as if some people think I don't exist.

[Valka]

I have recently but I don't think it was just me, and I kind of have to someone else... but I'd not call it ghosting as such.

One was an online penpal I'd been speaking to for a few months pretty much daily for a time. She was from Spain and was moving to the Netherlands for a job.
Seems she took the clean slate saying a bit too literally as she hasn't bothered with Skype since and deleted her other profiles, both on the Penpal site and her Facebook was deactivated too. So kind of got ghosted, but so did everyone else.

The second one I'd probably not really class as ghosting as I basically told the person I wasn't comfortable with us speaking. But then again I didn't reply back after telling her that.
Long story short this was a girl in England who contacted me through the same penpal site and became quite obsessed with me. She sent me some things through the post without my permission (including a card scented with her perfume), all she did was cause drama and complain about her boyfriend. It almost sounded like she was trying to find an excuse to breakup with him and I wasn't getting involved with that.
And on Skype video calls if I wasn't constantly chatting she would get moody thinking I was ignoring her (and she had these calls lasting hours).

So I told her that she was causing all kinds of drama and I wasn't having a good time with it all and didn't feel like doing calls. Kind of giving her the hint.
She sent me some messages like "can we chat" and such that I didn't reply to. Just she was causing a lot of drama out of nothing. Plus was acting creepy!

[firemonkey]

I've been defriended by a niece, by a person who didn't like me voicing doubts about Jeremy Corbyn, and by a person who turned against me on a small mental health forum I go on .

I defriended one person because they were getting quite personal in a rather aggressive way. I defriended another because she made it clear she supported the BNP. I also defriended the person who ran that group I tried at the library , because he was posting really virulent anti-Semitic comments .

[Mountainstream]

I have, but I also mass delete. For no reason other than my paranoia. Then I feel guilty.