What should I do ...set boundaries?

[Shy_pretty_Angela]

Ive spoken before about how much I hate people making arrangements and cancelling at the last minute.
I have quite a bit to fit into my weeks at the moment....physio, acupuncture, hospital appointments, etc.
I have a male friend who dresses up as a woman, and I allow him to come here and he dresses up and we go out.
He also visits me socially. He often makes flaky arrangements with me and then cancels at the last minute, some of the reasons are legit, such as his mum in a nursing home (she has now passed away). But sometimes he suddenly gets a cold or can`t put petrol in the car, or some other reason, and its always last minute.

I have always been understanding when he has cancelled, but he has just done it again with the reason that his wife has taken the day off work. I asked what was wrong with him visiting a friend and why cant he tell her, and he agreed with me and said he will see what he can do..only to say oh the 22nd/23rd should be OK.

I have now missed out on my physiotherapy appointment because that was the only day she could visit. I want to find a nice but firm way of saying that I only want to make firm arrangements with him in future, as he is really starting to annoy me with his lack of respect for my time, but obviously don`t want to fall out.

Can anyone think of a way to do this? And I really don`t want to be harsh as his Mum only recently passed away and he has a lot of organising to do with the funeral etc.

[Aelwyn]

This all sounds a bit confusing, Angela. Do you mean he has never told his wife about dressing up as a woman? It sounds like a potentially difficult situation for you to be in.

Regarding him putting off arrangements at the last minute, personally I would tell him I needed to put things on hold for a while as I have lot of appointments to fit into my days. I think that could be said in a pleasant way.

Is it possible that a lot of his last minute cancellations are actually linked to his wife's activities?

[biscuits]

Do you mean that you're now going to cancel your physiotherapist to meet him on 22/23? Definitely prioritise any physiotherapy and health related appointments over social plans.

Perhaps he can't really commit to plans in advance with other things cropping up all the time. So it might be worth changing how you arrange to spend time together e.g. contacting you on the day or the day before to see if you're free? That way you're not having to cancel anything unnecessarily and he should be able to know his actual availability.

[Shy_pretty_Angela]

No I prioritise physio but last week when she visited I told her I couldnt do next Tuesday as I have a friend visiting so I now have no physio next week.
He has never told his wife he dresses up or his daughters although I feel he should its not my buisness!
Biscuits...yes... we think alike..I have thought of leaving the days open and getting him to contact me on the day to see if Im still free!

[sophie79]

Some of those cancellations sound a bit suss. Not being able to put petrol in the car is quite a strange excuse. Whatever his problems are at home that prevent him being open with his partner about seeing you are not your problem, but you shouldn't get messed about because that's the bit that affects you personally.

It's okay to be gentle but firm and say you are cancelled on too frequently and would appreciate that they try harder to stick to the planned time. Biscuits idea of more casual closer to the time arrangements sounds good too.

[Blackflies]

Originally Posted by Shy_pretty_Angela

I have always been understanding when he has cancelled, but he has just done it again with the reason that his wife has taken the day off work. I asked what was wrong with him visiting a friend and why cant he tell her, and he agreed with me and said he will see what he can do..only to say oh the 22nd/23rd should be OK

He’s using you. He values and prioritises his own time and his wife’s time (her day off) more than yours. There’s plenty of non married cross dressers out there who would love a friend like you, that offers a safe, compassionate stance and they’ll actually care about investing in your friendship, not just using you to live out their fantasy while the wife’s away.

I do believe we should be allowed platonic friendships outside our relationships but his wanting to dress differently is not a justifiable excuse to not disclose his platonic friendship with you, if that’s all he wishes it to be. It’s selfish to add pressure on you to effectively be a secret when you are overloaded with health challenges. He might need an outlet for his fetish/lifestyle to help him cope with living under a false narrative but you are particularly vulnerable to exploitation at a time when you are looking for distractions. Most friendships come and go so you must prioritise your medical treatments above all else. Any true friend wouldn’t want it any other way.

If he’s not turning up in a dress but using your living place to change into clothes, that could also be problematic to his wife’s understanding of the situation as presumably he’s either wearing his wife’s clothes, yours or is buying them the day he arrives. His wife could jump to all sorts of conclusions with those scenarios and honestly with your health, I don’t think you need that kind of potential drama or misinterpretation.

I presume he knows about your illness and if he knows you are rearranging appointments to meet him, then he really doesn’t value your friendship at all. If he doesn’t realise you are postponing medical appointments to offer your time to him, you need to inform him of that as sometimes people are quite self oblivious so, in fairness, it may not even occurred to him you are doing that. He may just think you had free time that day anyway so him cancelling doesn’t put you out.

It’s up to you if you continue the friendship but if you are able to, I’d only meet outside the house and make this clear in texts.

[Dougella]

Yeah, the fact that he hasn't told his wife that he is coming to visit you and why is suspect. Also it's not fair for him to put you in the middle of that.

From now on put your health appointments first and only see him if you are genuinely not doing anything else and want to.

[Merry]

I think you just need to prioritise yourself and your appointments Angela. That way if you make plans with friends in the future and they let you down it isn’t impacting you as much. It obviously still does affect you, as I think it possibly hurts your feelings, but I think that’s a different issue than prioritising friends over yourself. Once you put yourself first, you might get less upset if people do cancel, (I usually feel relieved if people cancel plans because I get anxious about going anywhere) but if you still feel the same, it might be worth bringing up.
I tend to have friendships where we are similar and are always cancelling/postponing things because we are all neurodivergent and struggle with energy levels and being able to cope with things. So it’s not something that upsets me, but it is different when people are honest and say they are just too tired/socially drained to meet up, than making excuses at the last minute. Also it might help to pencil in arrangements a bit in advance and then text nearer the time to say “are you still ok with xyz?” Then there’s a bit of leeway, rather than making firm plans quite far in advance, which sometimes people forget about and organise other things, not realising it clashes.

[Shy_pretty_Angela]

He has just done it again with the reason that his mother in law has a hospital appointment and wants him to take her. I predicted his cancellation. Its almost funny.
He is taking the piss so I messaged him saying that he will have to contact me the night before and hope Im still free. That way Im not blocking out days.
The dressing up is a weird one. I dont judge him on it but I think he is using my home to dress up in and live out his fantasies.
There are many other sides to the friendship and we have a long history of supporting each other through difficult times but we used to work together and meet over lunch etc...now he is retired and Im on sick leave so its different.
The way he keeps cancelling is not respectful of my time so I have set up boundries. In future he will have to respect this or not have the friendship any longer.

Does that sound fair?