Should I listen to my mother?

[jp2005]

Sorry for starting so many threads lately (been going through a lot of changes and thinking about my problems a lot recently) and sorry if this isn't directly an SA issue... but I'd appreciate some input from people who understand.

I had a disagreement with my mum last night... not like a major row. We get on well and I know she'll support me whatever I choose to do, but just a difference of opinion. Now I'm wondering whether she is right.

As I've mentioned before I'm considering going to university (for a second time). As well as not wanting to spend my whole life in the same career, I also feel it could be really good for me socially. First time round I was far too anxious to get much out of it so I just kept to myself really, and I regret not moving away from home and making an effort to fit in with the others. Now I feel ready for that challenge, I definitely need to do something major to change my life and this seems the most likely thing to give me the experience I want. Plus I don't want to spend the rest of my life regretting missing out on it (which I am now).

My mother says she thinks it's unhealthy and unnatural... like I'm trying to turn back the clock, she thinks I might not fit in with the other students due to the age gap, and that it won't change the way I feel. Instead she thinks I should do something much less ambitious like an evening class or joining a club. I can see why she thinks that but I don't particularly agree. But I'm still wondering whether to take her advice. I do respect her opinion and I feel like if I'd listened to her in the past I might not be in this mess.

What bothers me most is I'm not sure she understands the way I feel, the way my life is, and the way most people's lives are these days. Whenever I talk about my problems she's always trying to play it down and says stuff like "everyone feels like that inside", "you're no worse off than anyone else", "you just need confidence", etc. Now I take her point that everyone has their own problems and no-one's life is perfect but I still think she's being too dismissive. Surely most 26 year olds have had at least one healthy and successful relationship. They haven't spent the majority of their 20s depressed. They don't feel completely out of their depth and inferior to everyone else their own age. They don't feel physically ill at the mere thought of asking someone for a date. They don't get upset to the point of missing work from reading a sweeping generalisation in a newspaper or on the internet and taking it personally (yes, this has happened to me ). I actually put most of these points to her and she point blank denied them. I'm not saying I have the worst problems of anyone, but I can see my situation is not normal and is going to need something to change to sort it out.

Also I think she underestimates how most young people live these days. It's almost like she doesn't seem to think that most of them do manage to make friends or go on dates or enjoy themselves regularly whereas from what I see they most definitely do. Maybe not as much as in teen movies or soaps, but still a lot more than I do. I think my mum never really had that kind of social life when she was young and so doesn't understand why I would want or need it.

I'm starting to suspect that (a) she has a lot more SA type issues herself than I thought but doesn't see them as a problem, and (b) she doesn't want to accept that there's anything really wrong with me as she thinks it would reflect badly on her as a mother. For years she's been telling me there's nothing wrong with me and even now (years after I've been diagnosed) she won't entertain the idea that I actually might have a mental illness.

I just don't know what to do my gut instinct is to go ahead with this anyway but a part of me says I should listen to her and forget the whole crazy idea.

[firewoman]

Would you regret it if you didn't go?

[jp2005]

I think so. And I also think that would probably be worse than going and finding it was a mistake.

[custardcreams]

ello james


looks like your mum doesnt understand sa. she seems sympathetic in a general sort of way but doesnt really get it. its really hard for non-saers to understand, particularly cus most people experience shyness at some point so they think its just the same thing.... blah, anyway i dont think she can really tell you how to deal with the problem if she doesnt understand it. from other stuff you've written about this you seem to have good solid reasons for doing this, its not some random flight of fancy and you have considered the implications and know the risks. if you think you'd regret not giving this a chance when you dont have much else lined up to take its place then maybe you should go for it. you probly shouldnt base your decision on the opinions of people who dont really understand the problem.

do you have a plan for if it doesnt work out though?

[Innerspace]

In all honesty I have no idea as to what is the best thing for you to do in this situation. There is only one person alive who can know this for sure, and it isn't your mum. It is you.

In life we have to stand or fall by our own judgements and decisions. This way we are taking respnsibility for our lives. It is a wise person who listens to what others have to say, but the wisest person then makes their own decision based on their own feelings and the input of others who have made valid points.

You feel you are now ready for the challenge, and as it will be you facing the challenge it is your gut feelings that you need to heed the most.

It is neither 'unhealthy' or 'unnatural' to want to go back and do something with your life. I wasted my education because of my mental health issues and only got into college to do a diploma in 2003, at the age of 40. I knew it would be hard, but at that point I knew I was ready for the challenge. Only I could know that though, no one else. Same with you. Only you can know if you are up to making it work for you.

You mention your mother not really accepting that there is anything 'wrong' with you in case it reflects badly on her. My mum was the same to a degree, and has never really got to grips with the idea that I have a mental disorder. When I had counselling as soon as I told my mum that my childhood experiences played a part in how I am now, she clammed up and never asked again. I just don't think she can handle the feeling of being in any way responsible. I assume this is a natural reaction some parents might take in such circumstances as ours.

Is Uni what you really want to do? Would you resent your mother if you didn't give it another try? Do you definitely feel up to the task this time? Is going with your mother's reservations a way of copping out of making your own decision?

The answer to these, and other, questions should help bring you to your own conclusions on this one. Ultimately the decision has to be your own. You have to be content in the fact that any decision is your own and based on what you feel you are honestly capable of. If you base it on what others think, at the expense of what you think and feel yourself you could look back in the future full of regrets.

[hardy]

I'm with Fairy on this.go for it. Your mother is just trying to be kind by minimising your problems .

[Allgood]

Hi JP2005 I was really interested to read your post. It's a hard decision about what you should do. Think long and hard about it and look honestly at your motivations for going back to Uni.

Is it for a course to help boost your capacity, skills and knowledge in your current work or maybe change of career/work direction? If it's all about equipping you in something like that, then great. It's probably better if the Uni decision is about that and you have some end goal in mind. You'll be motivated and have a driving reason for being there.. cos it's hard work and with the challenge of the social stuff on top. Age is not an issue at all. But if you want to mainly try and tackle social losses from missing out earlier, there may be other better ways to do that in your life now.

I have done this myself - gone back to Uni at an older age than yourself, 33, and left behind a good paying career. I just felt like, like with a lot of things in my life I had gone into it (former work that is) not based on my own strengths, desires and unhindered choices, but that of others. And I felt stuck.

It was...it is...a big risk. It's been hard, still is. One of the hardest things in deciding was also a fear of failure, of taking risks, of getting it wrong. And that can be a part of entrenched beliefs and fears that stops u giving your desires a go (however imperfectly or problematically..) and yes maybe getting things wrong. You have to think, ok what's the worst that could happen? Do you have a back-up plan? If it doesn't work, well I can have other choices, it doesnt have to be the end of the world, I can find another way and also I dont have to be ashamed about it (one for me definitely). And, I tried.

I think also maybe with your mum it may be better to use your energies differently. It's great you've got that kind of relationship where you can be honest and open about yourself with her - I wish I had that. However, stop trying to convince her of how things are for you - you know how they are and there are other people who understand - like on here. I guess it's natural in a way for her to prefer to think everything's ok - her way of trying to boost your confidence maybe. But consider her inputs, yes, but make your choices for yourself based on your own perspective on how you know things are for you, what you feel you want to/can try and why. Only you can really know this. Hope you can figure it out

[SuGaR!*]

i think u should do it if u want to. u know whats going to make u happy and if going back to uni will then just do it or u will just regret it and will always be thinking what if.

[Winnie57]

Listen to your heart. I know mothers can be very persuasive but you know what you want to do.
There are lots of mature students around and I think you'll fit in. I started a degree at the age of 29 which I never actually completed but the learning experience in itself was an enriching experience.

[jp2005]

Thanks a lot for the replies, there's some great stuff there sorry for taking so long to respond, so much to answer, had to wait 'til I had a spare hour!

Originally Posted by crazyfairyx

If you go to uni and it all goes wrong, then fall back on what you're doing now, you won't have lost much and if it all goes well it's worth that risk. Doing something like starting uni will always be a risk, but the rewards are worth it.

This is what I feel. My mum says she'd like me to do something that's not so "high risk"... but I don't see why this is any higher risk than, for example, getting a new job. The worst that could happen as far as I can see is that I have to go back to my present career, in which case I'm not much worse off than I am now. My mum thinks if I go through with this and it doesn't give me what I want, I'll feel even worse. Whereas I think (a) it's unlikely that I won't get something from the experience, and (b) whatever happens I'll feel more able to put it behind me and say "well, I gave it my best shot". Right now I feel haunted by the idea that I could have done so much better.

Originally Posted by Innerspace

Is Uni what you really want to do? Would you resent your mother if you didn't give it another try? Do you definitely feel up to the task this time?

All good questions. I am fairly sure it is what I want to do (it's the only thing I've felt truly excited about in years, in fact). I'm also pretty sure I'm ready for it... I've put myself in situations before of being away from home and not knowing anyone, and coped better than I expected. Right now I feel frustrated because I feel like I've overcome SA to a large extent, but I'm stuck in a dead end that doesn't give me many opportunities to put what I've learned into practise. So I think I need to make an effort to put myself in a more social situation.

Originally Posted by Innerspace

Is going with your mother's reservations a way of copping out of making your own decision?

Originally Posted by cJohn0

I just sensed a theme that you may need to have others legitamise your decisions or feelings, perhaps you have never had that or the support that what you choose is ok...

I think this is an issue for me. I hate making big decisions because I'm always convinced I'll get them wrong. The thought that there might not be one right answer, or that different people have different opinions, or (most of all) that if I make a choice that isn't perfect it doesn't have to be a disaster, seems to be hard for my brain to grasp.

Originally Posted by hardy

Your mother is just trying to be kind by minimising your problems .

Yes, I've wondered about that for a while. I can see where she's coming from though, she thinks it's unhealthy for me to focus on my problems and get too negative about them. Which is true up to a point, but I think she goes too far and tries to deny that there is any problem there at all. In the past I think this prevented me from seeking help until things got really out of control.

Originally Posted by Allgood

Is it for a course to help boost your capacity, skills and knowledge in your current work or maybe change of career/work direction? If it's all about equipping you in something like that, then great. It's probably better if the Uni decision is about that and you have some end goal in mind. You'll be motivated and have a driving reason for being there.. cos it's hard work and with the challenge of the social stuff on top. Age is not an issue at all.

It's a bit of both really. I don't like the idea of staying in my current career all my life, so studying something different would help with that. On the other hand, if I purely wanted to change career there would probably be easier ways than starting from scratch with another degree (like a part time course, postgrad course, getting relevant work experience, etc.). So the social side is a major reason for choosing this path too.

But if you want to mainly try and tackle social losses from missing out earlier, there may be other better ways to do that in your life now.

Possibly, but I'm struggling to see them just now. At the moment I'm surrounded by people who are starting to settle down and get married, buy houses, etc. Whereas I want to go out and have fun and meet people and do all the stuff people usually do in their teens, but my current situation doesn't provide the opportunities to do that. I suppose I could go join some more social groups but I've tried that many times before, and going out to meet a group of people once a week or whatever is clearly never going to be the same as being immersed in the university lifestyle for several years.

Originally Posted by Allgood

Do you have a back-up plan? If it doesn't work, well I can have other choices, it doesnt have to be the end of the world, I can find another way and also I dont have to be ashamed about it (one for me definitely). And, I tried.

Originally Posted by custardcreams

do you have a plan for if it doesnt work out though?

This could be a problem. At present I don't have much of a backup plan... if this goes wrong I don't know what I'll do instead. I'm almost seeing it as my "last chance" to get the life I want. I've considered other options such as changing jobs, doing voluntary work or doing a shorter course, but none of those prospects appeals to me much. I don't think they would give much benefit over staying where I am. So I suspect if this doesn't happen I will stay in my current situation and try to get myself to accept it.

I am leaning more towards going ahead. Talked it over last night with someone who did a very similar thing himself and said he got a lot out of it. Most people I've spoken to seem to have either said "go for it" or aren't sure. Strangely, though, my mum says she's talked to several people and they all think it's "completely bananas". Could be just down to the way she tells them though.

Anyway, thanks.

[Innerspace]

Originally Posted by jp2005

...I am leaning more towards going ahead. Talked it over last night with someone who did a very similar thing himself and said he got a lot out of it. Most people I've spoken to seem to have either said "go for it" or aren't sure. Strangely, though, my mum says she's talked to several people and they all think it's "completely bananas". Could be just down to the way she tells them though...

I have to agree with cj0hn0. You making your own decision and taking personal responsibility in all this would appear to ba a result in itself... regardless of the outcome.

With regard to your above quote; you seem to me to be answering your own question and arriving at your own conclusion. All other people can do is offer their own opinion, but that opinion is based on their experiences and perceptions, not yours. Others tend to tell us what they think we want to hear, or what they want us to hear.

Your mum clearly has an agenda here, and is feeding you other people's thoughts only when they fit in with her agenda. Who knows how she is presenting the facts to those people? Your mum obviously wants others to think your future plans are 'bananas' simply because for some reason she wants you to abandon them. With this in mind, she is not going to tell you if Mary Bloggs down the road thought your plans were great.

All things considered, it is you who has to make the decision for your own reasons. It is your life and your responsibility, so only you can really know what is right for you. I find it better to see our choices in terms of journeys to make. Even if they don't go 100% to plan (what does anyway?) the experience along the way is incredibly valuable and can teach us a heck of a lot. Few journeys consist of a single road, so other avenues are opening all the time with new experiences to have along the way. So even if we don't end up where we thought we would, we've still travelled a hell of a long way. Most of us do get to where we want to go with the right amount of effort and perseverence though.

From you last post, you appear to know your own mind on this. All it is a case of now is having the courage of your convictions.

Whatever you eventually do, I hope it is the right choice and works out well for you.