Meeting people through your job (making friends)

[hollowone]

Hello everyone.

Although in some aspects working is better than being unemployed there is one area of my life that hasn't really changed (I'm embarrassed to admit). That is social life, making new friends, meeting people.

I've suggested to people meeting-up, asking them what their plans are, invited them to join me, but to no luck.

Many people say that work gives them a social life and have a social circle from their workplace. Mine is failing to deliver. I'm starting to wonder whether people dislike me of being nice to my face (sounds silly). I'm getting frustrated by it and given staff shortages and the extent to which I'm being relied on, I really do feel like saying, I feel left out, I don't feel included in anything social, if things don't get better I'll get a new job'.

Gee, why is England like this? Why are people so closed, keep-to-themselves, go their own separated ways, don't want to include.

Instead of asking 'you out at the weekend?'.. & giving a judgemental look when you say 'friends are busy I don't anyone to go out with', why not respond with 'would you be up for joining us?'. That's what I would do. Why are people in this country so god-damn un-inclusive, closed, unfriendly? Why can't work be like school and college? Why can't there be after work hanging out? Who makes this stupid rule of keeping everything to yourself? It doesn't cost a ****ing penny.

Needed to get this off my chest, it's really quite infuriating. My situation is making me depressed, I feel POWERLESS about meeting new people, expanding my social circle and turning my social life around.

In the meantime, I'm going to brainstorm some ideas of ways to make place 'I like.. hiking, cycling, swimming (but currently do so alone) would anyone be up for joining me?. If it continues to be like flogging a dead horse I'll apply for other jobs. If they're short of staff then it'll be TOUGH!

[dentedhalo]

Thats a hard 1... ive just left my job of 15 years and i litterally told my team an hour before i left. I told a couple of people i felt closer to a week on advance but, as i predicted, ive been away 8 weeks and hardly been blown over by the rush of contact.

I honestly dont know the answer... some people seem to excel in these things and make new lifelong friends even when it looks like there aren't any opportunities... i suspect theres a mindset of some nature that ive not been able to grasp... i dont like to impose myself on people so i suppose i wait on them to invite me or for some very clear signal to appear but it never does.... its a circular problem for me because i know how much i need social contact and people in my life but i dont seem to be able to connect with people until i know them well and, of course, its difficult to get to know people if youre unable to connect on any level because youre so anxious

[hollowone]

What's the rationale for work NOT being like school/college/uni?

RE

i dont like to impose myself on people so i suppose i wait on them to invite me or for some very clear signal to appear but it never does....

Just take the bull by the horns, ask people what they're upto, if you have any plans say 'I'm thinking of x at y time, would anyone be up for joining me'. There's no heinous act of desperation in that.

Regarding getting to know people; it would be good if people would be up for meeting in low-pressure settings like coffee shops, going for walks and hanging out after work (like school kids and students do, who says adults can't?).

I saw a documentary about loneliness years ago (can't remember the title) and one person interviewed who was a builder mentioned how 'back in the day, we'd all go for drinks afterwards and bond, nowadays everyone goes their own separate ways'. I think this speaks volumes about the loneliness epidemic.

[dentedhalo]

Oh god, my blood litterally ran cold at the thought of doing that. Which is strange because i guarantee the people i work with would say i was confident and self assured... i started in this job a few weeks ago and offered to run team quizzes... but all that stuff is on the surface, its not really real, if you know what i mean... i can do stuff like that really easily but actual social stuff totally terrifies me... i very much need hand held through it until i know people well... i really struggle understanding people and how to interact and respond... i generally say that i understanding the theory of all this stuff but how to put it into practice has alluded me

[hollowone]

Hi there dentedhalo

i can do stuff like that really easily but actual social stuff totally terrifies me... i very much need hand held through it until i know people well...

Well why can't colleagues offer to hang out in low key settings (like school kids and college students do), If it was things like walking to the bus stop, walking halfway home, going to a cafe, going to a pub early, that would help people get to know people. Why does it always have to be deep end, crazy nights out? If school, college and uni students can get to know their peers that way, what's stopping adults? I don't know the rationale for bonding and getting to know people being restricted to high-stress situations?

[biscuits]

Sometimes little things like, "does anyone want to go to the shop with me at lunch time?" Or going for a walk at lunch time. When I worked in a office a few of us found a little lake to walk to and have lunch. There were some funny characters at the lake that we liked to watch. A man that was always 'bird' watching with binoculars.

That sometimes leads to other things like going to a pub quiz together, grabbing a meal one day after work.

You can even take something in to do at lunch time with others like an arrow word book.

Finding common interests like watching the same TV programme. I've had people ask for my number so we can WhatsApp each other our thoughts and reactions.

[hollowone]

@ biscuits

Exactly, little things like going for walks at lunch, walking to shop (lunch), bus stop en-route (home), any excuse to chat with your colleagues and get to know them. Doing so regularly as do school kids and college students. There's no excuse for adults not to do the same.

[dentedhalo]

Youre assuming people did that as kids/young adults

[Formershyguy]

For me I think it depends on the company, working environment because I have worked in some places I had no intention of really socialising with anyone because I wanted to keep that separate. I just never felt comfortable in some places.

My last longterm job I had was for 3.5 years and it grew from me and one person to a team of 5 then there were 2 nice girls I really got on with. One time they even invited me out for a night out but I felt uncomfortable because I don't drink and they did so I was afraid they'd find me boring.

Also my team was mostly Temps apart from my boss. It was a big company and I felt it was like school in a way because there seemed to be other teams who were like cliques and only seemed to talk to people in their teams or people who had dealings with them.

Although I would try and talk to people in the kitchen but a couple of people seemed very standoffish. There was one girl who would always say Good morning to me and she worked at the further end of the office in a different team so I started chatting to her whenever I got the chance.

[Clumsy*]

^often I don't know if people who don't say hello choose to not say hello because they're shy, or because they don't like the look of me.

There's a person like this at the place where I volunteer. Everyone there is lovely and have made me feel welcome. But this one person is so aloof and their demeanor just does not match the charity's ethos. It doesn't help that I have an inferiority complex and I learnt (much later after starting to volunteer) that they drive a luxury car to work. It just reinforced my suspicion that they look down in me and just not consider me worthy of a hello.

After 6 months of not even acknowledging each other's existence, it becomes even more difficult to try and break the ice and start chatting.

Then there's my postie who delivers my parcels with such a cross expression, I feel like apologising for receiving parcels. My neighbours seem to love him though so he must be lovely to them. Why not me?

I think I've mentioned once or twice before on here that I'm brown, so it's always at the back of my mind whether this is the reason why I get treated differently.

I know I'm insecure and must not read too much into it, but it's still work in progress when this theory becomes practice.

[limey123]

Even though some people seem to like me at work, I just assume I'm not interesting enough, too poor at small talk, and too introverted to be friend material on any deeper level.