Has anyone else given up on having friends and actually felt better for it?

[ahdn]

I am 26 years old now. I used to be popular: an active social life, a girlfriend, lots of friends. That was when I was 18.

When I went to university, things changed. I became isolated, surrounded by what were, in hindsight, some very toxic people, which simply exacerbated the isolation. I spent many years like this, losing contact with friends who were out making new ones.

In my early 20's, I went on a drive to try and make new friends. I met some girls, joined a club or two... but nothing really stuck. I began to realise how fickle people were: when I was 'cool' everyone wanted to know me, when I was socially withdrawn and awkward people treated me as beneath them. This caused me a great deal of anxiety: will I be alone forever? Am I wasting the best years of my life? Maybe this time next year things will be different?

As the years rolled by and my attempts failed - as I realised that most people make their friends for life at school and university - I went through some really dark times. Things became so clear to me - the bullying, the usery and abuse I had experienced yet denied my whole life were suddenly so obvious, whereas previously I had denied them to protect my own sense of self.

After that, I gave up on the idea of ever being 'normal', of ever being a social success like I once was. And frankly it has been liberating. I don't give a f*** what anyone thinks now. An early exit is always open to me, but I want to stick around and see what happens. I wish I had been like this sooner, it would have avoided so much suffering for me. I feel a sense of nirvana, of total freedom. If friends come, they come, but likely they won't and it makes no difference. I've already failed, so what else can go wrong? What have I got to lose?

Can anyone relate to what I am saying? Have I completely lost it?

[umm]

I can relate. It does seem the less you go looking for friends the more they come (and better quality, less toxic). But also the less dependent on the presence of friends one can become - and yes that is liberating!

I would challenge - for what it's worth - the notion that people make their friends for life at university. I mean, I'm sure loads of people do do that but I know several that acquire friends at varying times of their lives. I often think that whole friends-for-life thing tends to be more UCAS sales bumpf than reality.

[Cepaea24]

This is exactly what I am trying to do right now, I really wish I could have your attitude. I'm still at the point of desperately trying to find some friends/ girlfriend and feeling really anxious when I fail or when the people I meet mistreat me.

Do you have any advice on how you gave up on being normal?

[Hayman]

I can indeed relate to this. I was never popular, but I did have a small circle of friends at school.

Once life progressions started materalising for them at 16, they started to drift away from me...but blaming me for not keeping in touch when all my efforts were basically in vain. This pace of becoming isolated stepped up another gear at 18 and by the age of 20, I didn't have any friends left.

I remain in exactly the same place now, at the age of 32, as I did at half my age. Nothing has happened for me but I've had to endure half a lifetime of seeing things just...'happen'...for everyone else - and have them rubbing it in my face pretty much any time I've attempted to make any contact with them.

I can think of three separate occasions where I've been blamed for the break-up of friendships when the truth is, again, I'm sitting in exactly the same place now. I didn't 'desert' them or walk away as they claim. THEY did.

At the end of 2015 I bumped into my former best friend purely by chance and we've been in sporadic contact since. He's a completely different person than he was at 16 and all the thoughts and feelings of us going our separate ways at the age of 20 remain in place. I no longer make any effort with him and if he wants to keep in touch, it's up to him. I'm done with making all the effort and receiving no reward or progression for doing so. I've had to deal with that my entire adult life.

I don't actually care about having no friends as such. They're too much trouble and are very quick to probe you when you've not shared the same basic luck and fortunes they've stumbled over.

Ideally, I want zero contact with people from my past barring family and until the end of 2015, I did manage that for nigh on a decade.

[ahdn]

Originally Posted by Cepaea24

This is exactly what I am trying to do right now, I really wish I could have your attitude. I'm still at the point of desperately trying to find some friends/ girlfriend and feeling really anxious when I fail or when the people I meet mistreat me.

Do you have any advice on how you gave up on being normal?

For me it came in stages. The time when I was close to ending my life, for example. I wasn't just thinking about it, I knew it was over. It gave me a different perspective on things.

But also, realising that other peoples' opinions are largely out of your control. When I experienced utter failure time and time again. The opinions of those people I tried to impress didn't change anything for me in reality. If people were going to hate, laugh at or mock me then so be it - those are their actions, not mine. I also learned that being mean - aka standing up for yourself - had the same consequences as doing nothing. Get bullied for doing nothing, or get bullied for being rude and cruel to them... it's your choice, and I found the latter actually stopped the initial behaviour.

But yeah, ultimately it was a combination of being near (what I thought) was the end of my life and realising I had gotten into this position because of thoughts that existed inside other peoples' heads.

EDIT: Reading this back it sounds like I am praising suicidal thoughts in a way, which I am not. But those thoughts came about by me accepting that I really am at the bottom of the social hierarchy - something I spent years fighting, trying to regain my former place. When I failed again and again I eventually concluded I could never change my position, and that planted the seed that evolved into my current mindset.

[ahdn]

Originally Posted by Hayman

Once life progressions started materalising for them at 16, they started to drift away from me... This pace of becoming isolated stepped up another gear at 18 and by the age of 20, I didn't have any friends left.

I remain in exactly the same place now, at the age of 32, as I did at half my age. Nothing has happened for me but I've had to endure half a lifetime of seeing things just...'happen'...for everyone else

Ideally, I want zero contact with people from my past barring family and until the end of 2015, I did manage that for nigh on a decade.

I relate to this. The most defining moments of my life will have been the ones that happened before I was even mature enough to handle it.

When you said 32, something ticked in me. That's a full 14 years from when school ended. I am already at 8 years and I am astounded as to where the time went. I feel like that guy, the one who completely fell off after he left school. I think that's what has contributed to my current mindset in a way - I'm already at the bottom, not much lower to go.

[ahdn]

Originally Posted by gregarious_introvert

I am in completely the reverse position to the OP; all through my formative years, I had no friends whatsoever, a situation which continued until two years ago, when I was able to socialise successfully for the first time.

Can I ask how you were able to socialise all of a sudden? How did you get on having little previous social experience?

I'm not sure that, during those years, I realised that there is a basic need for human contact (I did have partners at various times, but those were the only relationships I had), being an introvert by nature - I think I would have been in my mid to late 40s by the time I realised what a solitary creature I was. For that reason, I would say that whilst it is good not to care what others think (which I still don't), don't cut yourself off from the possibility of developing friendships, because you will find those who fit in with you, not who expect you to be something different in order to suit them.

I certainly haven't cut myself off from the idea of ever having friends, but I have stopped actively pursuing it. I find very few people that I click with.

I am currently back living with my parents and the thought of moving out frightens me. As you say, there is a basic need for human contact. Not having that contact did me a lot of harm. I can't live at home forever and I do have a timeline for moving out, but to what? An empty house? Being able to have basic conversations with my parents was enormously beneficial after years of real isolation.

[Beep]

I've had a few good friends in the past but the female ones ended up 'going beyond friendship' so to speak, and the male ones attempting the same :/ - which leaves me too skeptical to be open to new friends.

I've excepted this now and now spend my time alone - luckily I've never needed people around me anyway, as a child I used to always play by myself and my hobbies now are things like painting, writing, hiking, traveling, and so on which don't require other people.

People do seem to look at me funny when I'm wondering around the countryside talking to myself but in the words of The Great Blackadder II - "it's the only way I can be sure of intelligent conversation"