Anyone suffer SA/Awkwardness when with family?

[MJC]

Hi,

I tend to be quite awkward when with family. We don't really have anything in common and when I do see them there can be long silences and my personal pet peeve...small talk.

It doesn't actually bother me all that much that we've nothing in common, but I feel as if it should bother me more than it actually does. I feel more comfortable with one of my sisters but again there can be times were I just don't want to be there. My other sister I very rarely see now (shes in uni now) and we have nothing in common.

Both my sisters are very outgoing people. The eldest is 29 (year younger than me) and she's progressed so far that I sometimes find myself getting frustrated at her happiness and the way she can connect with people. She's 2 kids and is engaged to a man who she clearly loves and who loves her back. I get confused at how they act with each other. I don't see my niece and nephew anymore because I just don't know what to say or do with them. I feel no connection with them at all and become easily frustrated with them.

She's very head strong and will argue the bit out to get people onto her way of thinking, or at least trying to. Like yesterday, she was stating how much she loves the movie Mama Mia and arguing with me that its one of the best things she's watched. I stated that I don't like Musicals and yet she would not back down. By this stage after I argued my views back I got fed up talking about it and had to resist the urge to shout at her and instead I just agreed to watch the bloody movie to shut her up (I have no intention of watching it because I just do not like musicals)

My parents last visited me on my 30th birthday back in January and it was awkward as hell. My mum was like "oh you're another year older" and I was thinking "so bloody what". I don't like the attention being all on me therefore hate all birthdays...don't see the point in celebrating getting a year older. Never have and probably never will I like the Christmas period but again hate gift giving and receiving and opening presents and faking all the smiles and shocks.

Does anyone else feel socially challenged to maintain contact with family? Just got word that my mum has booked a table at a restaurant for her, my dad, my youngest sister (19) and I. Same thing last year and likely the same struggle to find something interesting to talk about and relax in an environment I hate all whilst keeping up appearances as "the perfect family". Plus the nervousness has already started with me just thinking about it and its 2 months away.
I've tried to think of a good enough excuse to get out of it but I'm single, live alone and only really have 1 friend.

So sorry, this turned into a bit more of a rant than I planned but are there others here who feel the same?

[Velcro-Touch]

I get it with family a little bit, particularly with family members I don't see much.

I suppose if you have low self esteem you don't really like talking about yourself to others.

Also people with SA sometimes have quite empty lives and not much to talk about, being a young guy I'm asked things like 'why don't I have a girlfriend' stuff like that

Not a fan of family get togethers like birthdays, weddings, Christmas etc

Self esteem and life in general is improving so I don't hate it as much as before.

[MJC]

Thanks for your replies. I'm glad I'm not the only one.

[Virtual Jon]

Yes I do - terribly. I find it very hard to talk to them on the phone especially - and I tend to avoid visiting/being visited by them. It sometimes feels worse than with strangers! This very much depends on my mood of course - as does the quality of all my interactions with people!

[MJC]

Originally Posted by Virtual Jon

Yes I do - terribly. I find it very hard to talk to them on the phone especially - and I tend to avoid visiting/being visited by them. It sometimes feels worse than with strangers! This very much depends on my mood of course - as does the quality of all my interactions with people!

I agree with you about talking to them on the phone. I try to avoid the calls and make up an excuse, I was driving, in the shower etc when I next see them.

I still visit but it always feels forced, conversation is hard to hold etc.

[kite]

I can somewhat relate to you. I find it awkward to talk to family (parents, sister) that I live with. It's awkward to even make an eye contact. Although I live with them, I find nothing in common with them and the distance between us, since my teenage, has grown so much, beyond help. Plus they are not at all emotionally or mentally supportive. I never really have a proper conversation with them. They are used to it. Sometimes my mum gets annoyed and says "Look at me while talking" but I find it awkward.
As for relatives, I don't really talk to anyone or even like them (apart from my grandparents who I call every now and then).

[MJC]

Originally Posted by kite

I can somewhat relate to you. I find it awkward to talk to family (parents, sister) that I live with. It's awkward to even make an eye contact. Although I live with them, I find nothing in common with them and the distance between us, since my teenage, has grown so much, beyond help. Plus they are not at all emotionally or mentally supportive. I never really have a proper conversation with them. They are used to it. Sometimes my mum gets annoyed and says "Look at me while talking" but I find it awkward.
As for relatives, I don't really talk to anyone or even like them (apart from my grandparents who I call every now and then).

I don't bother with any of my extended family, apart from one cousin who I still meet up with every week or 2.

[Rollerball]

I can relate to what you are saying. I also do not like small talk and somebody on this site actually put it in perspective for me recently in the extravert introvert explanation. The extravert's wanting others to be like them and do not understand the introvert personality or seem to want to understand us.
There must be literally thousands of families out there who do not enjoy a close knit bond with each other and there can be many reasons for this. Sometimes it is the style of parenting, or your own particular life experiences as an individual that made you develop in the way you have as a person. I am not that bothered about family get together anymore. I have not lived within a close knit family, I never got on with my step mother and as a teenager we had problems whilst growing up. I was asked to move out at 16 because 'we didn't get on' I still remember the day she said it. Can you imagine saying that to a teenager today, go on of you go, get a job, earn some money get a mortgage? I do not think so.
It's about the most insensitive thing I have ever heard I think. I also do not like small talk but again I am introvert in nature but our personalities have their place in society. The things is, if everyone was loud, jumped in there when making decisions and spent everyday working 100 mph there would be no room for the thoughtful, measured, more laid back kind of people would there?
Its got pretty bad in my family in that my brother doesn't talk to my parents anymore, xmas presents and birthday presents have gone out of the window with them, we give you 20 quid and you give us 20 quid back in a card. It just doesn't seem meaningful and kind of forced if I am honest.
My advice would be to just be yourself and try and have the confidence to say 'no' if your not comfortable. At the end of the day it is your life and you need to feel happy and comfortable within yourself. You do not need to apologise for being you, others need to accept you for being you.

[MJC]

Originally Posted by Rollerball

I can relate to what you are saying. I also do not like small talk and somebody on this site actually put it in perspective for me recently in the extravert introvert explanation. The extravert's wanting others to be like them and do not understand the introvert personality or seem to want to understand us.
There must be literally thousands of families out there who do not enjoy a close knit bond with each other and there can be many reasons for this. Sometimes it is the style of parenting, or your own particular life experiences as an individual that made you develop in the way you have as a person. I am not that bothered about family get together anymore. I have not lived within a close knit family, I never got on with my step mother and as a teenager we had problems whilst growing up. I was asked to move out at 16 because 'we didn't get on' I still remember the day she said it. Can you imagine saying that to a teenager today, go on of you go, get a job, earn some money get a mortgage? I do not think so.
It's about the most insensitive thing I have ever heard I think. I also do not like small talk but again I am introvert in nature but our personalities have their place in society. The things is, if everyone was loud, jumped in there when making decisions and spent everyday working 100 mph there would be no room for the thoughtful, measured, more laid back kind of people would there?
Its got pretty bad in my family in that my brother doesn't talk to my parents anymore, xmas presents and birthday presents have gone out of the window with them, we give you 20 quid and you give us 20 quid back in a card. It just doesn't seem meaningful and kind of forced if I am honest.
My advice would be to just be yourself and try and have the confidence to say 'no' if your not comfortable. At the end of the day it is your life and you need to feel happy and comfortable within yourself. You do not need to apologise for being you, others need to accept you for being you.

I haven't heard of the extravert/introvert explanation before, but I'll google it to find out more.

Being asked to move out at 16 must have been really hard for you. How did you cope with that?

I relate to you on the £20 in a card scenario. Problem I have is I just don't know what people want. I could get them things I think they need but then they might take that offensively, so I play it safe and just give money where possible.

I do say no to certain things, but with my mum this is extremely hard. She starts trying to read into it, asking things like "why not" or the one I hate "there must be a reason why you don't want to". The majority of times she's manipulated the whole thing to I just give in to shut her up, bit like with my sister too.

[MJC]

Originally Posted by J-Dog

Poor mum! She might not be perfect but try giving her a break.

Same for the rest of your family, no need to hate on them so much.

I don't think I hate on them, not to their face anyway. I'm quite good at faking the emotions that would be an acceptable response just to get the time over and done with so I can get out

[boots35]

I used to have big problems with my dad and sister. When my dad was in the hospital for something I didn't feel comfortable going to see him, and I felt so stressed I told my mum that I did not love them. She said "who said you have to love them". I went to the mental health centre and they gave counselling and my relationship with them was much improved

I was the same about birthdays also. One year I had just moved and my family were on and on at me to go out for a dinner and I just said I will see you all the week after it, lol. But last year on my birthday my boyfriend, friend, mum, dad and sister and I all went out to dinner and it was good actually. Had never been bothered with celebrating my birthday before.

[BritishPeace]

Yes but my brothers are complete bastards and mentally deranged more then me.

[Lanser]

Yes haven't spoken to my mother for about a year stuck in a if doesnt call she does want to speak cycle.
My sister occasional texts but she is too wrapped up in her own life to think of me.
My Dad I get on well with frequent meet ups for chats and food