How is everyone feeling? (31)

[Rocket Spud]

^^ Good luck cracking on, Spuggy! And welcome (back?) to the forum.


The permanently crap undercurrent (that i usually ignore) is lurking.

[Rocket Spud]

Thanks, Kooks

[Merritt]

I have the worst combination of brain fog, tiredness and apathy lately. It's difficult to stay out of bed for more than a few hours at a time, and when I try to focus on anything I can feel my IQ trickling down like a good answer in Pointless, with the sound and everything.

Originally Posted by Spuggy

Anyway...like most here, I've so much more to say but I'll crack on and keep trying to break free!

Welcome to the board, Spuggy

[Sisyphus]

^

[Introspheric87]

I feel frustrated. My work takes up a big part of my life. Working from home has been both a blessing and a barrier for progress because while I get more stuff done overall, I am finding myself working 10 or 12 hours a day. I am a perfectionist so I want to make sure I get everything right first time without mistakes but it also means I take my time to do everything. I find myself cutting away from friends and family cancelling plans because I am getting bogged down by work. My colleagues are not great. I have two people who are always undermining me at work. They take tasks that are assigned to me and do it themselves, continuously send check up emails on something I have worked on less than 3 days,ago or ignore work I have already completed and just duplicate the work themselves. Its like I don't even exist as a colleague. The reason I know its deliberate is because if I do the same thing to them I get passive aggressive emails asking me why I have done this piece of work of theirs or they will override what work is done and pretend they were the ones who did it.

[Fantastical]

Isolated alone messed everything up

[choirgirl]

TLDR: Bit depressed.

Long, rambly, moany bit:

I've been shitty to people in the past when I didn't mean to be shitty. Guilt.
Cringing. So much cringing. Trying to avoid being seen as a fool has made me into a much bigger fool. Unfortunate. Inevitable.
Avoidance. So much avoidance.
Lack of self-acceptance out of sheer idiocy and avoidance.
I'm laughably bad at gay overcompensation. More like chronic underachiever.
Have I been masking (to a degree) my entire life? Probably. It's sent me round the twist.
Irony. A theme in my life.
I'm more into self-denial than self-destruction. The latter is too violent, my family wouldn't like it, and I have too much of a sense of self-preservation. But I do like some good old-fashioned self-denial. That might be linked to ADHD in some weird way. Is it supposed to motivate me? Note to self: it isn't working.
Being in something of a coma of low-level depression (for several reasons) for most of the 21st century. Not my best move. I should clearly have seen a person centred therapist for the really difficult stuff sooner. As a result, I feel like I'm still in my 20s mentally, because I'm so behind in every way in life. Other than in middle aged grumpiness and cynicism, which has come in right on cue.

[Merritt]

^ Can relate to much of that

I feel really weighed down by toxic shame at the moment (well, not just at the moment, but more noticeably) I literally can't think about any interaction I've ever had with other people that doesn't make me want to shoot my own head with some kind of special amnesia gun. Any good memories that I assume must be there are buried under a mountain of cringey embarrassed regret. I occasionally get brief flashes of 'You know what, I'm pretty lonely' or 'Holy shit, I will never feel warmth from another person ever again' but I'm immediately reminded that nothing good would ever come from even trying to make a fair weather acquaintance. My brain wouldn't allow it.

I don't know how to come back from this, or even if I should try. Me being thought fondly of by another person feels like the wrongest thing in the world, and an overwhelming source of shame to admit to myself that I might even vaguely want such a thing.

[Dougella]

^ Does it help him at all to externalise the OCD, so thinking "the OCD is telling me this", "the OCD is making me think this", "the OCD makes me feel like I have to do this"?

So making it a separate thing that is affecting him, not a part of him and also something that he doesn't have to listen to.

[Mr. Nobody]

^^
that sounds quite upsetting Nanuq, hope he finds a way past this,.

I'm seeing more and more that having anxiety for years has possibly done some kind of damage to my stomach,
I've always been such a worrier and often got sore stomachs because of it,
It's always painful or upset in one way or another, for no good reason
I'm getting a bit concerned about it.
I even suspect I've been putting on weight unconsciously almost as having a full stomach seems to calm things down a bit

Going to try having a better diet and taking more exercise to see if it makes a difference.

[Indigo_]

Originally Posted by Dougella

^ Does it help him at all to externalise the OCD, so thinking "the OCD is telling me this", "the OCD is making me think this", "the OCD makes me feel like I have to do this"?

So making it a separate thing that is affecting him, not a part of him and also something that he doesn't have to listen to.

This is what I do with mine and I have had some success with it.

[choirgirl]

Merritt, I don't know what to say. It's really hard.

[Tembo]

Mr Nobody, I hope your stomach aches improve - it's good you are making some changes to see if it helps.

It's Saturday night, and Im already worrying about going back to work on Monday. I feel like I'm doing more work than I can handle, but I really don't feel I can change that. It's quite a low hassle job, and other people there have to do a lot more complex and strenuous things than me and cope fairly well (but they are paid more than me), so I don't feel I can try and reduce my work load any more - and anyway, I'm only a part timer! I also have an observation next week too - having someone watching me while I'm working, no matter how nice they are, is not something I'm looking forward to. I'm sure no one likes being observed, but I tend to panic and do weird things.

I wish I could cope with a lot more with work - I can't have low wages all my life or I'll be living with my mum forever.

I watched the Life of Brian just now which was a good distraction, but the thoughts have just come flooding back.

[Amara 94]

I’m in a state of procrastination but also notice that it’s from feeling anxious and helpless.

[Mellie]

So tired lately, keep sleeping during the daytime. I have blood tests on Thursday so will see if anything wrong soon.

[Professor Willow]

Anxious about my mum, one of her colleagues tested positive for Covid and now I'm worrying that she might have been exposed.
She's the wrong side of 60 and not the fittest person in the world :/

[Rocket Spud]

Really ****ing tired with life; it's been particularly testing of late and is about to get a little more unsettling.

[Mellie]

Feeling irritated with myself for not getting anywhere in life and feel like people don’t want to talk to me cos I’m too negative so I’m trying to fake being well not to scare people off. I’m drinking again, guess it’s just a escape from reality. I know I’m never going to be social able or normal like everyone else. I don’t fit in anywhere and a outsider everywhere I g gg o. I don’t get why one of my friends keeps saying I’m her best mate, I’m always quiet and boring!

[choirgirl]

You can still be best mates if you're quiet. Maybe she likes that.

[Mellie]

Yeah she’s got social anxiety aswell

[Mellie]

She keeps saying I’m sweet which is annoying lol

[choirgirl]

That is annoying if you're not sweet. I am not sweet (I think that is obvious!)

[Amara 94]

Do you ever feel like you need people you can relate to? Or people that are in the same position as you? I do.

Yesterday I spoke to one of my cousins, the one I feel attached to, I feel we probably have similar temperament or way of thinking that I understand the way she acts. However, I also have a guard around her. The convos were good, the most casual they have been I would say. But there was a barrier to which I thought we don't really just bond. I thought I must come across boring to her. I use to share more with her but think I found it offensive when she used to always start convos with "How are you doing?" because every convo came to her advising me on my life.

Then, the one friend I have spoken to for years, but mostly on whatsapp, we do bond. I think he care about some deep stuff like I do. But yesterday he said he was listening to the music in the background more than me. I guess cause the thing I spoke about was repetitive.

With this one friend although we do bond, if I speak about doing my haircut, which I did yesterday evening, his response doesn't seem positive or as interested as I am. It's like I can only show the deep side of myself with him.

I need people on the same page as me that they probably don't define me too much, if that makes sense. For example, if I talk about cutting my hair, they can relate to why I enjoy or understand. We are able to have confrontations time to time, that's partly my problem. I think the thing I am talking about is just being able to be really authentic.

[Deer]

Its tricky isn't it? Determining whether it is ourselves that need to change; whether the other person could have a better perspective, or whether we just act and react in a way that causes offence. That in itself is tricky to figure out.
I think what you are looking for is the effortlessness of just doing the normal stuff, right? Rather than trying to figure out where the wedge is stopping that ease of being.

We often try to pretend it isn't the case and that maybe because of mental health issues, it is me that is thinking negatively. When in actuality, that is the mental illness, not feeling totally at ease. So what often is the case is we try to change how we view them situations. If I think positively about it, it might influence how the conversation goes. Yet, the pretense of positive thinking and the contradiction of our experience-to what we think- leads to further frustration and dismay. So I think it is important to remember that it isn't necessarily the way you think about a situation that is causing it to be the way it is, it is the fact that under an unwell mind, it is extremely difficult to ever feel at ease for a sustained period of time.

I would say you could check in with them from time to time. Ask them if you are annoying them or being boring.

Also, with folks with MH problems, I find it is quite easy for them to be cast down to the bottom of social hierarchy. Down here, you are hugely disadvantaged in social situations. People seem to think less of how you feel and think more in terms of using you as a tool to improve their own social standing. Down here, we have to contend with more judgement and more fight from others. Down here, even though we have the least energy, we use more energy just on the basics of socialising. We are more likely to be argued against rather than influence others to agree to our ideas. All these positions people take aren't logical or reasonable either which makes it all the more damning.

What they have is a defensive mechanism that seems to break down for us and we can no longer combat against those subtle attacks on our character. So we have to choose between, silent indignation or a response that can easily be dismissed by the others.
The difference for them is that they are dealing with that automatically without giving it much thought. We are aware that it has broke down and become more sensitive to how cruel social circles can be when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable with an helpless mind.

[Amara 94]

^Yeah, true.

[Appear]

Not depressed. And I haven't been for a fair few months now. This is new.

[Amara 94]

Nice to hear Appear.

[Dougella]

^^^ Good news Appear

[Mo34]

Really quite shit.

Haven't been on here for awhile as the touchpad on my laptop stopped working, has taken a while to fix. Which has made work really interesting.

Have been packing and sorting out move, new tenancy started Monday after a lot of hiccups including being given the wrong code for the key safe to access the property and no one knowing what the actual code was
I should be feeling happy but my emotions are swinging beyond wildly. My git neighbour has been being quiet which I'm finding somewhat annoying. And my thoughts on my new flat are erratic, I've all of a sudden decided I don't think I really want to move as I'm giving up a flat that is nicer than the one I'm going to. Its a block of 6 and all of a sudden I've decided I'm not sure I can cope with it. It's built up and I feel I don't like it. On saying that my mood changes dramatically - yesterday I was feeling optimistic and today full of dread. I've not been sleeping and wake up anxious. I mean ffs

I can only assume its change - and that's the actual issue but God knows. Hope I haven't made a massive mistake. Better the devil you know.....etc...

Work is all change as well are little team has all but been broken up, so everything is all up in the air till the New Year and all the restructuring will have settled. Am going to ask about more hours but I need to be careful I don't over do it.

[Dougella]

^ Moving is really stressful Hopefully when it's done you will settle in to the new place and not have to put up with ridiculous levels of noise from your neighbour anymore!