Tired of wearing the VICTIM sign

[FindingFaroffrivers]

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[FindingFaroffrivers]

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[Dougella]

Maybe it's because scapegoating tends to come from other kinds of disfunction going on in families? I'm sorry I can't offer any suggestions.

[Deer]

Well, when you have lost your confidence, it can make you second guess your own judgement which makes relationships very difficult and confusing.

Maybe you are caught in a mode of black and white thinking? That, it was all because of them or it was all because of me? Maybe, you relying too much on finding an answer is causing you to not step back and think certain things through?

I went through a phase of 'blaming' parents like I think many of us do for a certain period of time and that is helpful in some sense but then it just never satisfies. Well it didn't for me anyway. So for practical purposes looking back in the past just seemed futile to a certain extent because it wasn't going to change anything.

Having said that I wouldn't discount what you feel at all. You could be completely right or your thoughts could be part of the truth but maybe some feelings have narrowed your perception and you haven't thought about how you could have dealt with it better?

Or,maybe you are vulnerable and don't express your feelings firmly enough? Or others don't see how you really feel and are hurting your feelings without knowing?

It isn't always easy that's for sure especially when you are sensitive and it feels like people are kind of out to pick at you. I still feel like that now and I just resort to avoiding socialising which isn't ideal but its just the lesser of two difficulties.

[Deer]

^Well, I like your post very much and glad you highlighted how serious psychological abuse can be however I just want to point out that sort of treatment at an early age can in fact lead to a very black and white thinking pattern later in life.

And also, just to be clear as I get the sense that you have reacted overly emotionally to my post, I am not aware of the details of his/ hers experience so I was trying to be suggestive of ways of approaching it as a mental or emotional obstacle.

[Deer]

no worries, lovely

[gregarious_introvert]

Hi FindingFaroffrivers, it is hard from what you have written to determine exactly what has happened in your past, but it seems fairly certain that you have experienced some traumatic events; I can't comment on your relationship with your family, or what passed between you and your fiancé, but the attempted assault by your neighbour would have been traumatic in itself, especially as you kept this to yourself. You also mention entering a mental health rehab facility after something had happened on the outside, which again you kept to yourself - I'm not clear from what you've written whether this "something" was one of the events which you had already mentioned, or not?

You mention being a "talented youngster" and having "natural ability" but being a "failure of an adult"; I wonder what makes you feel a failure? Many of us who have mental health issues may not find success in the traditional sense, but in overcoming our obstacles and creating any kind of life for ourselves, we achieve success equal to, if not greater than, the perceived successes of those whose obstacles were far less challenging. You also say that you feel that achieving success would have made your family dislike you more, but it could also be possible that they may have been proud of you. Our perceptions of what might happen in a given situation are often tainted by experiences from our past (real or imagined) and not always accurate.

I cannot say whether the relationship you had with your family amounted to scapegoating and/or emotional abuse, or simply mistakes made my parents who did not know how to handle a talented child (whilst not comparing myself to you, I know that my own parents tried to be loving and supportive, but in a world where autism was not understood - and I was not diagnosed as such back then - they had no idea how to raise me and tried the best they could, at least as I now know from examining my life retrospectively, but at the time I felt unloved, unwanted and unsupported). One thing I do know is that every parent makes mistakes and those mistakes can have a greater or lesser impact on our lives from that point forward - and in saying that, I am not being in any way dismissive of parents who are emotionally and mentally abusive, but these things are not always deliberate and may be done with the best of intentions.

Similarly, I have no idea what happened between yourself and your fiancé but I do know that relationships are difficult at the best of times; it is entirely possible that your fiancé was not aware of the damage he was causing (and it is also possible that he was a manipulative abuser, I can't discount that either). Human beings hurt each other all the time, often without any intention or even realisation of what we have done; most of us are so wrapped up in our own lives and issues that we don't see the impact our actions and/or words have on others. Again, I am not comparing my life to yours, but I know that I have been deeply affected by the actions of others when those people had no understanding that they had any impact at all on me, let alone the depth of that impact (again, something I have only discovered retrospectively - and as I am writing this, I can see the Kierkegaard quotation in Nanuq's signature, which seems so pertinent right now: "Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards").

I think, from reading between the lines of your OP, FindingFaroffrivers, it would appear that you have kept all your issues to yourself for far too long; it may be time that you shared your experiences, possibly with a therapist, to try to make sense of what has happened and enable you to move forward. You are still young and there is time for you to achieve the things you want, but the past is what seems to be holding you back and you may need to examine that in order to find your future. Another thing I noticed from your words is that you mention that you "never had anyone to prove [yourself] to" and I wonder if you feel the need to seek validation from others, instead of from within? I realise that this could be the result of feeling unloved and unsupported as a child, but I hope that you can, at some point, realise that the only person you need to prove yourself to is yourself - although, of course, it does help when others recognise our qualities, successes and achievements.

I don't know how one heals one's faith in humankind, because although I have come close several times in my life, I never quite lost mine; I do know that there is good and bad in everyone (I think I just unwittingly quoted Stevie Wonder) to varying degrees and that, in my experience, as a whole there is more good in humankind than bad (even when the opposite seems to predominate). I also know that there are a lot of good people on this forum who have supported each other through dark times (I have benefitted from that support and possibly wouldn't still be here without it) and shown love to strangers, people they know only through a keyboard and screen - if that doesn't portray the innate goodness of humanity, then I don't know what does.

I do think that you need to start by talking to someone, though.

[limey123]

Originally Posted by Nanuq

^^

Nice Kierkegaard quote (Livet forstås baglæns – men må leves forlæns)

Btw, it's Søren with an "ø"

Sounds like some good advice from GI.

[FindingFaroffrivers]

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[FindingFaroffrivers]

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[Deer]

Yes, I have had similar experiences. And, though it is often good to talk and be able to have your feelings validated by someone you can trust, I also think that there comes a point where you have realise you are banging your head against a brick wall if you hope to get the validation from those that have continuously let you down. And also wishing things turned out different.

I don't mean you shouldn't have strong resentments and all that but kind of just looking at how to move forward whilst also dealing with the past, you know? Like ask yourself, what is the next best step I can take to improve my life, and what am I capable of doing at this moment? Sometimes,we are just a few little steps from feeling some relief from the things that drag us down.

Since, I left hospital, I have just dropped all demands that I used to put on myself. I just do what is best for me,and what I am capable of doing which at the moment isn't much.

But, my god, please distance yourself from your family if that is attitude. I felt the burden of it just by reading your posts.

So, what is your situation at the moment if you don't mind me asking? Have you got much support and independence?

[gregarious_introvert]

^ I am glad to see that you have found some positivity, FindingFaroffrivers; I don't think any of us expected you to share your life story, but the thing I found most interesting in what you wrote is that the one event I would have expected to have more impact than anything else (although how we are affected by things, of course, varies from person to person) is the one which you dismiss most quickly - and that is the multiple occasions of attempted assault.

I hope that this year is your year, but if the positivity you express in the post above isn't sustained, then you may need to consider discussing your issues with someone who can make more sense of your history than I (or most others on this board) can - and I worry that, whilst you have provided some detail regarding other life events, these attempted assaults are the ones you have buried and maybe not dealt with? As things seem to be good at the moment, perhaps you don't need to right now, but (and I hope they don't) should things start to feel less hopeful, examining that issue may be something worth considering.

[Utopia]

Well, if things are doing much better now, and you are doing charity work, then keep it up, don't let your family or past drag you down, you need to look to the future. Tbh, it seems like you might have some abusive people in your life and it's better to try to cut ties with people that are only making you feel worse. Stay confident that you are right, and prehaps your family were jealous of your capabilities? I mean they would never admit that but you need to draw confidence from that possibility, at least privately, and move forward.

[Deer]

Originally Posted by FindingFaroffrivers

I am in a better place now
Me and family drew up a truce.
Which means agreeing to
Disagree a lot but
Things changed and family
Life is more peaceful.
The past rears it's
Ugly head at inconvenient times.
No resolution is perfect.

I know to an outsider
That someone saying
That they wished they
Could put someone
In care, just because
They are temporarily
Out of sorts, is
A horrific thing to say.
They did not say
It to me, I overheard them.
But men from
My walk of life
Try and act tough (hard)
And they were drunk
When they parted with
This nugget of wishful thinking.
Plus I am only
Their step daughter.
They were (and still are)
Simply self centred
And drunk and foolish.

Like you said I accept
The best I can
Get with my family.
Expecting them to
Ever admit they
Were wrong would
Be like banging ones
Head off a brick wall.

I can see the light at the
End of the tunnel.
Its about time it
Was my year.
Maybe this year eh.
I don't want it all.
I am independent.
Have my own space.
Doing some volunteer work.
Life is ok. I am ok

I thought you'd wrote a poem for a moment then
Ah, good, good! Glad to hear you have tour own space like. It'd be a nightmare having to live under the same roof of your parents.
What volunteering you doing? Anything interesting?

[FindingFaroffrivers]

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